Dare to Hope

by Caitlin Ricci

  Like an echo, Samuel heard the words yelled at him so many years ago. “Why are you crying, boy? Crying is for girls, not men. Toughen up and shut your mouth, or I’ll smack it shut, just like your eye!”

  When Chris calmed down, Samuel stroked his back, still holding him close as he started to speak. “I’ve never told you about my childhood, and I know none of my friends will, because it’s not their story to tell.”

  Chris pulled away, his face all puffy and his eyes reddened from his tears. “I thought you all had wonderful, normal, and innocent childhoods,” he mumbled and tucked some hair behind his ear before laying his head down to watch Samuel.

  “Kaden and Trent pretty much did, but not me. Not until I lived through a few years of hell first,” Samuel offered with a weak smile.

  “Were you sexually abused? Is that why you don’t want me?” Before Samuel could even say a word, though, Chris was already groaning. “That sounded so much less selfish in my head. Please pretend I didn’t just ask you that.” He took a deep breath and curled his hand in Samuel’s shirt. “Okay. Starting again. And better this time. I promise. Do you want to talk about it at all? I’ll listen. I’m fucked up enough that I probably won’t be of any help, if you do need any help still, since you seem incredibly put together, but I promise to listen and not ask you any more stupid questions if you do want to talk about it.”

  Samuel smiled and pushed Chris’s head back down into his neck. “Shhhh and listen.”

  “Okay,” Chris sniffed and mumbled against his skin, giving him a soft kiss, making goose bumps break out over his skin.

  “My parents drank and did drugs, lots of them. I seldom saw my dad sober, but more than anything I remember the fights. The yelling, the swearing, breaking stuff, and of course the punches and slaps as they beat each other up.”

  “What about you?” Chris quietly asked him, as if he was afraid of Samuel’s answer.

  “Let’s put it this way—if my dad lost the battle, my mom pretty much saved my ass. If he won, I was usually next.” Samuel rubbed a hand across Chris’s back when he felt him tense.

  “I never thought I’d be the one with the better dad, and I’m sorry that happened to you. What happened to them? Do you still talk to either of them?”

  “After one particularly bad night, I managed to escape my dad’s grip and ran off into the dark. I wandered as far as I could with only one eye, because the other one was swollen completely shut. Much later I found a small stream with some long grass and thought it safer to sleep there than risking going back home with my dad in such a rage. I never realized I’d actually stumbled onto the neighbor’s farm.” Many of the memories were foggy for him, but he remembered the comfort of the place where he’d spent the night.

  Chris’s hand tightened in Samuel’s shirt, keeping him close, as if Chris couldn’t have even an inch between them. “Random guess, and I’m probably wrong, but was that Kaden’s parents’ farm?”

  “It was. Long story short, Kaden and Trent came to swim in the stream early the next morning and found me there, all beaten up. They took me home, and Kaden’s mom took one look at me before grabbing a baseball bat and paying my folks a visit. Half an hour later, she came back with a plastic bag with some of my clothes, wrapped me in her arms, and told me I was never going back to that horrible place again. And that was that. I was happy to stay there. A few months later, my parents moved away to who knows where.”

  Chris slowly nodded against his neck. “No wonder you three never went into specifics when I asked how you all met. It was good of his mom to take you in. I’m glad she was there for you.”

  “I’ve never heard from my dad since, but my mother got in touch with me via a distant relative about six months ago. Apparently my dad almost killed her for real a few months prior to that, and waking up barely this side of death made her rethink her life at that late stage.”

  “Was that weird for you? To hear from her again after so long? I don’t know if I could have talked to her.”

  Samuel nodded his understanding. “It did surprise the shit out of me, but you know what? All that stuff happened a very long time ago, and she was as much a victim as I. I know she played a role in the mess by drinking and doing drugs too and not looking after her kid, but she was also very young. I’m not saying I’m ready to live happily ever after and so forth, but I’m saying I was willing to reach out because she was.”

  “You’re a strange man. And a lot more forgiving than I think I would have been, if I was in that situation.” Chris nuzzled the side of his neck for a few seconds before giving him a kiss.

  “The mending is not over, and I didn’t just dive headlong into it like a little lost kid. She told me she had separated from him and went to rehab for the alcohol and drugs. She now lives with her sister, and she has managed to find a decent job in town. So before falling for it all, I verified it was all true, which it proved to be. So we’ve had a cup of coffee a few times, and so far so good. She’s never been here, though, and I think it will be a while before it gets to that point.”

  “Does she know you’re gay?” Chris asked.

  “She did the first day she called me. I told her there was no point in catching up if she couldn’t handle a gay son. She insisted it didn’t matter to her. So we’ll see how it goes or how long it takes her to try to introduce me to some woman or something.” He chuckled.

  “I hope it works out for you, however you want it to.”

  Chris pulled away from him, and it was good for Samuel to see that Chris’s eyes were no longer puffy from tears.

  He gave Samuel a weak smile and smoothed his hands down the front of Samuel’s shirt. “So…. This is pretty random, but I was just thinking about it. Do you remember after Richard? When I was lying down in bed all fucked up with bruises and stitches and you came up to check on me? That meant a lot to me, not only that you would make sure I was okay but also what you said. About how I’d get better and that I deserved better than I’d gotten from him. How I deserved better than being fucked in random back rooms by nameless guys.”

  Chris took a deep breath and met Samuel’s gaze. “Thank you for that. Richard was just a stupid mistake, but he wasn’t the first, and it was good to hear someone actually say that to me. I want you to know that I did listen to you. And I did try. I failed, clearly, but for a while there, I was completely normal, and I actually felt like I was in control of myself for the first time in a lot of years. So thank you. It might not have meant anything to you, and not a big deal if it didn’t, but it did mean something to me. A lot to me. Anyway, I just wanted you to know that.”

  With incredible slowness, Samuel turned them so he was on top of Chris and slid his hand over Chris’s stomach, coming to rest at his hip. He’d lost weight, and some of his beauty along with it, but he was still attractive. No, he was more than that. To him, Chris would always be beautiful, but now that he knew the truth, he couldn’t help comparing Chris to a violent storm in his mind. He was drawn to Chris, but the man’s self-destructiveness needed to stop, and Samuel was afraid of who he’d end up bringing down with him before he finished hurting himself.

  “I want you better. I need you to stop cutting yourself,” Samuel murmured softly.

  Chris easily moved under him without having to be told what to do. “How about worrying about that later, and I’ll go upstairs and get a condom out of my bag?” he suggested as he lifted himself up to kiss Samuel’s neck.

  His offer was tempting, and Samuel did want him, but he wanted to enjoy Chris first. There were things they had to work out before Samuel would be taking him to bed, but denying them both was nearly impossible. Chris had said, multiple times, that he hadn’t been with anyone since meeting him, and from the eager kisses Chris gave him as Samuel bent to meet his lips, Samuel believed him.

  He pushed Chris’s shirt up a little, enough to gain access to the button of his shorts, but Chris was quick to bring his shirt back down.

  “What are you hiding now
?” Samuel asked. If Chris said he’d cut himself on his chest too, or if it was something worse and even more self-destructive, Samuel had no idea what he would do. He was barely hanging on as it was.

  “A tattoo that I don’t want you to see right away. Later, but not this second.”

  That surprised Samuel, as he didn’t remember Chris having any tattoos before, but if Chris didn’t want him seeing it right then, for whatever reason, Samuel would respect that. He refocused his attentions on Chris’s shorts, opening them up and pulling them a little over his hips, enough to give him access to Chris’s thick cock. He was waxed, beautifully hairless, and seemingly perfectly ready for whatever Samuel would give him.

  He tried to ignore the little scars that ran over Chris’s hips and the thicker pink cut that lay over his inner thigh. But it was impossible, and soon he found himself tracing that pink line. It was a dangerous area and sensitive too.

  “This is the one you did before you called me,” Samuel said, even though the words were needless. Of course it was. It was the newest one, and as he touched it, even gently, he saw how Chris shivered, as if it still hurt him. “You are not to do this ever again, Chris. I mean it.” Samuel looked away from the cut to make sure Chris had heard him.

  “I won’t. No more cutting there. Or that deeply.”

  That wasn’t good enough, though. Samuel took his thick shaft in his right hand and leaned over Chris’s body. “No. You can’t cut yourself anymore at all.”

  But Chris only shook his head. “I can’t promise you that. I’m sorry. I wish I could.”

  Samuel didn’t understand, and he wasn’t happy about it, but he could see plainly enough that Chris believed in what he was saying. To Samuel, he could have stopped at any time. But for some reason, Chris didn’t seem to see that, and it broke Samuel’s heart. Samuel kissed him, hoping to drive away his own worry, along with Chris’s pain, with his rough kiss. He used his left hand and pinned Chris’s hands loosely to the arm of the couch as he gripped him with the other.

  Soon enough Chris’s lips parted and his breath escaped in a rush with each quick stroke over his shaft. Samuel wanted to be inside of him, to have Chris’s body flush against his, but this was as much as he was willing to do while Chris was still such a mess. Each of Chris’s harsh gasps filled him with need, and he knew, given half a chance, that if Chris was well, he would have already had him in bed.

  Surprisingly, Chris didn’t try to pull his hands down. He only kept them where Samuel held them, though he could have easily brought them down to touch him. Seeing him stretched out like that, with his face flushed with pleasure, made Samuel so hot.

  Chris’s orgasm seemed to surprise him too, as Samuel slowly squeezed him, milking him as Chris stared up at him. “Sorry. I told you it’s been a long time for me.”

  Samuel didn’t mind how quickly he’d come at all. “It’s okay.” Samuel leaned down to kiss him before getting up to wash his hand. While he was at the sink with his back turned, he heard Chris go upstairs. When he came back down, Chris had changed his clothes, this time wearing a pair of comfortable-looking shorts and a simple gray T-shirt.

  “Thanks for that,” Chris said, sitting back down beside Samuel on the couch. “Can I treat you now too?”

  He reached for the front of Samuel’s shorts, but Samuel took his hand before Chris could touch him. “I do want to, but I would like you to be healthier first. I need you to stop hurting yourself. You can’t keep doing that.”

  Frowning, Chris pulled his hand back. “And if this is the best I’m ever going to be?” Chris asked him, almost bitterly.

  Samuel didn’t believe that for a second. “Then I would only be comfortable being your friend. But with therapy and work, I’m sure you could move on from this. You don’t have to hurt yourself. The stuff that happened to me was long ago, but the scars are still there, and the pain I went through was enough to last me forever. If you hurt yourself while you’re with me, it would hurt me too. In a very bad way, because you’ll be part of me, and if you’re down on yourself enough to cut, then I won’t make any difference in your life. I need you well for you and for me. Otherwise I would start doubting what my purpose in your life is, and if I’m not enough, then there’s no point for us to go down that path. It will save us both a world of heartache.”

  Chris shook his head and moved to the other side of the couch, putting a few feet of space between them. “I can’t be just friends with you. That would hurt too much.” He took out his phone and started tapping away loudly on the screen.

  “Who are you calling?” Samuel asked him, wondering what Chris was doing now.

  Chris didn’t look up from the screen of his phone. “I’m booking a taxi. And a hotel room. I’d like to see you again while I’m here for the next few days, but I need some space to think. I can’t do that with you around. You can keep my kit here. I’ll pick it up before I go back to Manhattan.”

  Samuel reached across the couch to him and put his hand over Chris’s, making him lower the phone. “Don’t do this. You’re welcome to stay here for as long as you want to.”

  Chris looked as if he was near tears as he slid off the couch and got to his feet. “I know I am. And thank you for that. But I can’t stay here. If I was capable of being just friends with you, this would be so much easier. That’s just not possible, though. I wish it was. The taxi will be here in a little while, so I should go pack.”

  Samuel got to his feet as well. “I can take you to whatever hotel you want, then.”

  Chris hesitated on the stairs and looked like he was considering Samuel’s offer but slowly shook his head after a few seconds. “I’d rather take the taxi. Thank you, though.”

  “Why?” Samuel demanded, not understanding in the least.

  Chris looked away from him, his hand tightly gripped on the railing of the stairs as he visibly shook. Samuel took a step toward him, but Chris moved back, silently showing Samuel that he had no intention of being touched by him again anytime soon. “My best isn’t good enough for you,” Chris quietly explained.

  He licked his lips and shook his head before bringing his gaze back up to meet Samuel’s. “I tried. I didn’t fuck anyone, and I stopped drinking. A few cuts a week, or a day even, aren’t a big deal to me. The one on my thigh is a problem, but that’s the first time in years that I’ve cut that deeply. You’re asking me to drop it all before you’d even give me a chance, and I can’t risk that. This is my best. I don’t know how to be better than this. Not yet. I don’t know if I’m even capable of more than this. I was good for eight months for you, and it wasn’t enough. So please, I need some space to think and figure this out. I’m going to go pack, I’ll take a taxi to the hotel, and tomorrow I’ll call you and see if you want to do something. But right now I just can’t be around you without breaking down.”

  “I don’t mind if you do that around me,” Samuel said, Chris’s words hitting him in his gut and closing around his heart, nearly strangling him at the same time.

  “I do.” Chris quietly headed upstairs and closed the bedroom door behind him. He came back down half an hour later, right as the taxi was pulling up. Samuel stood in front of the door, and Chris sighed once he saw him waiting there.

  “Please let me go?” Chris asked him, sounding weary. “I can’t do this.”

  Samuel had wanted to fight him, to keep Chris there with him for as long as he was able, but seeing him looking practically miserable at the prospect of spending another night under the same roof with him had Samuel reconsidering that prospect.

  “Chris, I know you think this is your best, but hear me out. You stopped sleeping around and drinking, and I’m really proud of you for that. You were on the right track with counseling, but thanks to your father, you stopped getting help. What you’ve achieved is wonderful, and you’ve been strong. I’m not saying it’s not good enough for me. You being well is a necessity for you, not me. I want you healthy for your own sake, and only then do I matter. If we go into
this relationship as it is, I don’t think we’ll survive. Either of us. We both deserve better than that. I want more than just a small chance to make it work.”

  Chris gave him a slow nod and pulled the duffle farther over his shoulder. “I hope you find someone that can give you that. I’d like to go now. Please.”

  Samuel knew Chris wouldn’t give an inch right now. “You will call me tomorrow.”

  Chris nodded. “I will.”

  Believing him, Samuel stepped out of the way and let Chris go, and somehow this time, it was harder than back in Montana. How many more times did he have to let Chris walk away from him, he wondered as he closed the door with a heavy heart.

  Chapter Six

  WHAT’S A bar Bran wouldn’t be at? Chris texted Samuel nearly two hours later, when he’d given up trying to be entertained by the TV in his hotel room. It was a damn nice room, but it would have been a lot better with some company, and he wasn’t about to ask Samuel to come out there when he’d only just left him back at his house. It was barely even dinnertime, and he could have been out doing any number of things that the TV commercials had said were available in Hamilton, from hang gliding to rock climbing to the scenic horseback rides. But he hadn’t wanted to run into Bran while taking a little outing, so he’d stayed right where he was and quickly grown bored.

  Planning to throw your good behaviour away already? Samuel texted him back.

  Getting a text from him at all was a surprise, but he’d kind of expected the anger he could practically hear coming out of Samuel’s typed words.

  He shook his head as he texted back. It shouldn’t have hurt that Samuel would think that about him. He should have been able to simply ignore whatever Samuel thought, about him or anything else, but he wasn’t that easy to ignore. Wanting to dance.

  Renegade. It’s in Thames. Seven months ago one of the servers acted like a jerk to Kaden and we haven’t been back.