Dare to Hope

by Caitlin Ricci

  Misha gave him a crooked smile. “Deal. But I do have to go. And for the love of God, will you please put on some pants?”

  Chris laughed, then quickly covered his mouth, hoping he hadn’t woken Samuel up with the sound. “I’m going down to the hot tub right now.”

  Misha didn’t look pacified. “And Samuel?”

  “He can nap. No reason to wake him when I’m just going to be up to my neck in hot bubbling water.” Chris smiled. The hot tub was his favorite thing about living in the building, and he absolutely could not wait to indulge in it, especially since it had a window where he could watch the snow coming down as he relaxed.

  “No. I mean what are you going to do with him now that he’s here? Planning to throw him into a hotel until he quietly goes away, or what?” Misha asked.

  Chris hadn’t planned on that at all. “He’ll stay here, with me. We’ll figure it out.” He shrugged, not really having anything definite in mind. Without a job to go to, there wasn’t any sort of plan for the week in his mind, except for eating some junk food and sleeping in as long as he could each morning. It would be like his first break in college with Bran, when the most entertaining thing they did was play video games and throw popcorn at each other. That had been before they’d discovered the wonderful combination of alcohol, older men, and sex.

  “I need you to promise to let someone know if you’re going to be cutting yourself again,” Misha said, his voice soft despite the ice running through his words.

  Chris swallowed thickly and gave his brother a nod. “I will. Thank you for not just assuming I can turn this off like a light. I wish I could. I haven’t cut today, but that doesn’t mean I won’t tomorrow.”

  “I figured it was something like that. I only want you safe. You have friends. Let them help you.” Misha gave him a sideways hug before he got off the bed. “Come on. Show me out.”

  Chris knew he was right and intended to talk to Samuel if anything changed for him from his current state. Bran wasn’t his go-to, not right now, but he was pretty sure that Samuel would listen to him and might not yell at him this time. If he could talk about what he was feeling, or if he could have some kind of distraction when his emotions and the stress got to be too much for him, then maybe he could get through the height of the need until it naturally tapered off.

  There had been times, especially in meetings with his dad, that he couldn’t cut on himself right when he became upset and felt most like he needed to. And the urge eventually lessened to a more manageable degree, so he knew it was possible. It was usually a tense couple of minutes where he shook and wanted to claw at his skin to lessen the frustration and hurt, but it could be done if he couldn’t help himself get through it any other way.

  As Misha gathered up the few things he’d brought with him, Chris found a notepad and a pen to write Samuel a quick note. He left them both by Samuel’s left hand, which was on the couch, and hoped Samuel saw them before he started to wonder where Chris had gone. The building had towels down by the hot tub for them, so he didn’t bother bringing any with him, only his keys and phone, as he met Misha at the door and they headed down the stairs together.

  Hugging Misha at the front door to his apartment building was hard, because it meant that Misha would be leaving and he wouldn’t be seeing him again for a while, and with him being places Chris would be afraid to step foot in, he couldn’t help being constantly worried about his brother.

  “Be safe,” Chris told him.

  Misha chuckled and ruffled his hair. “I’m more worried about you. Go soak and relax. Be nice to Samuel, don’t stay up too late, and eat something healthy once in a while.”

  Chris snorted, then backed up so Misha could go and not hit him with the door. “See you.”

  “Tell me when you’re in New Zealand and if Trent likes my gift.”

  “I will,” Chris promised.

  Misha gave him a wave, and Chris stood by the doorway, silently watching him, until Misha started driving away. When he could no longer see the beautiful black car Misha had rented, Chris headed into the small hot tub room, grabbed a towel from the metal shelf, and put his things on it a few feet from the hot tub so they wouldn’t be splashed, but close enough that he could still reach them if he got a call.

  Seconds after getting in, he was up to his chin in the hot water and had his eyes closed as he enjoyed the bliss. The hot tub room was perfectly empty this time of the evening, and in a few hours, it would be off limits to anyone under eighteen. He hadn’t brought any bottled water down with him, so he couldn’t really stay hydrated and cool himself off, but he didn’t plan to be down there too long anyway.

  Chris rolled his head to the side and opened his eyes. He smiled softly as he watched the snowflakes glitter as they were caught in the streetlamps outside. Winter in New York City could be exceptionally beautiful, as long as he didn’t have to go out in it.

  Chapter Seventeen

  SAMUEL DIDN’T know how long he slept, but it surprised the hell out of him that he’d fallen asleep on Chris like that. Looking around, he listened but couldn’t hear anyone moving around in the apartment. Then he saw the note next to him.

  In the hot tub. 1st floor, clear glass door.

  A hot tub of any kind sounded amazing to him right then, and he went in search of his luggage to get out a towel and a pair of shorts appropriate for joining Chris. He kept a T-shirt on as he made his way down to the floor that housed the tub. He stopped in front of the door, looked in, and saw Chris deep under the bubbling water while he stared out the window at the snowy night. With the now longer tendrils of wet hair sticking to his neck and his skin flushed from the heat, Chris looked so tempting to him right then. Drawn to Chris by some seemingly irresistible force, Samuel pushed the door open to a room full of steam and heat.

  “Stop staring and get in here,” Chris called to him.

  Samuel hadn’t even thought his eyes were open, but as the door closed on its own behind him, Chris turned his head and gave him a soft, sleepy smile. “Hey. Glad you could join me. Sleepyhead.”

  “Well, it’s snowing outside, and what’s a better way to stay warm than this?” He pulled his T-shirt over his head and placed it with his towel close by before climbing into the warm water. He sighed in bliss as he took a seat opposite Chris and allowed his muscles to relax.

  He watched as Chris slowly closed his eyes again.

  “You’re never allowed to wear a shirt again. I’m outlawing it. Fuck, you’re beautiful.”

  He was flirting, clearly, but since Chris didn’t make a move to come closer to him, Samuel was fairly certain he didn’t actually mean what he was saying.

  “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and all that. To some people, I’d be too big or whatever, and someone like you would be considered stunning. Which you are. To me.” Flirting was harder than he thought, but he meant every word he said about Chris.

  Chris opened his eyes and tilted his chin toward Samuel. “The only people who wouldn’t want you are lesbians. Everyone else will have their eyes clawed out by me if they stare at you. My neighbor is going to drool just as hard as Aaron did back at Renegade. I think you might like her. She’s nice, has a kid that isn’t obnoxious. By the way, though, you fell asleep before you told me how long you’d be staying here.”

  “My workers gave me a week off.” Samuel smiled as he said it so Chris would know he joked about being allowed time away.

  Samuel couldn’t help staring at him as Chris stood up, long rivers of water running down his chest and over his flat stomach. He didn’t have defined abs, not like Samuel himself did, and maybe that difference added to his beauty. Or maybe it had something to do with the sexy, tempting smile Chris gave him as he slid himself into Samuel’s lap and laid his forearms over Samuel’s shoulders.

  “A whole week, huh? Anything you’ve ever wanted to do in New York that we can take off your bucket list? Assuming I don’t have to stand in the snow for it, of course.”

  Samuel
couldn’t get over how right Chris felt in his lap, and he quickly wrapped his arms around Chris’s waist to keep him in place. He was so content with Chris around him and didn’t feel like talking about New York right then.

  “Let’s talk about that tomorrow. Can we just enjoy each other’s company for now, and after what happened back home, I haven’t slept much. I just want to chill out with you. Okay?” Samuel tightened his grip on Chris’s hips and pulled him forward, making their groins touch.

  He felt Chris shiver as he leaned forward and rested his forehead against Samuel’s shoulder.

  “Two things. First, not sure if Misha told you or not, but I quit my job today. It was pretty much a nuclear war zone in public with my dad. Not great. So I’m pretty worn out too. Second, and I can’t believe I’m about to say this when you’re holding me like you are, but I don’t think we should have sex this week. And don’t you dare push me off your lap because I said that. I will bite you, and not in the sexy way either.”

  Samuel groaned and let his head rest back onto the side of the bath. “Misha told me about you quitting. I’m really proud of you for doing that, because I believe that place was toxic to you. May I ask why you’ve decided no sex for us for another week?”

  Chris wouldn’t look at him, which bothered Samuel, but he wasn’t about to start demanding anything of Chris. Not again so soon after what had happened back home.

  “You said you didn’t want to come home to a dead boyfriend, and you deserve not to have to worry about that kind of thing. Quitting felt good, but I’m in no way cured. You like to have sex with people you’re actually with, and I don’t want to be someone you feel like you have to call and check on every few minutes to make sure I’m still alive. So, as much as I want you, I don’t want you to be with me right now. If that makes any sense. I don’t want you with anyone else, though, either, in case you were starting to get any ideas. I’m a selfish bastard like that.”

  “Well, that’s perfect, then, because I’m the same way. What’s mine is mine, and with my head full of you, there is no space for anyone else at the moment anyway,” Samuel teased him.

  “What do you need from me to have something together?” Chris asked as Samuel slid him a little closer. The warm water bubbling around him felt amazing. “I’d want to be at a place where you don’t have to worry about me all the time. I can’t feel guilty for making you call me because you’re afraid I’ve been cutting myself, rather than simply wanting to talk to me.”

  Samuel thought about it carefully before deciding on an answer. “I would like for you to throw away your kit, but I also don’t understand what you’re going through, so I may be completely unrealistic.”

  He smiled as Chris gently kissed the side of his neck.

  “No more cutting at all, then. What about living on different sides of the planet?”

  Samuel grinned now. “Well, seeing as you no longer have a job, you may soon have no place to live, so how about coming back home with me?”

  Chris snorted like he thought Samuel had been joking, only Samuel hadn’t been, so seeing the mirth in Chris’s eyes put a damper on his good mood.

  “And what? Come be a dairy farmer with you? No thanks. I don’t get dirty unless it’s with sex.”

  Samuel felt so relaxed. “Mmmm, sex is a brilliant way to get dirty. And no, you don’t have to milk cows with me. You have amazing qualifications, which would be valued and recognized all over the world, so you can do anything you like.”

  “As long as I’m not cutting anymore.” Chris sighed, and Samuel held him a little tighter. “The stupid part is that I should be done with this. I was fine for an entire decade. I don’t need a babysitter. At least I shouldn’t. And I don’t want you to be that for me. I want you so damn much, but not like this. I don’t even know if it’s possible for me to cope at this point, since I’ve been cutting or using other people to help with that for so long.”

  He stroked his hands down Chris’s warm back in comfort. “You will be fine, and I think you’re stronger than you think. As soon as you’re away from all the voices who made you doubt yourself, your head will clear and you’ll be able to think straight, probably for the first time in your life. Maybe then things will all seem clearer to you.”

  “Is not living in New Zealand a deal breaker for you?” Chris asked, seeming to avoid what Samuel had said entirely.

  “No, not necessarily, but it would be hard to have such a long-distance relationship. Look at it this way—at least we have Bran in common. He lives there.” Samuel didn’t want to put a damper on things, but opposite sides of the planet could make things incredibly hard.

  Chris moved back like he wanted some space, and Samuel reluctantly let him go and tried not to blush as Chris got to his feet in front of him, the front of his briefs coming down a little and exposing the hairless base of Chris’s dick.

  “Don’t look so surprised. It’s not like you’ve never seen me naked.” Chris laughed as he got out of the hot tub and started to dry himself off while Samuel still watched him intently. “We shouldn’t stay in there too long.”

  He sat forward in the water and turned to get out. “I’ve seen you naked before, but this is something else. You tease me.” Samuel started toweling off and pulled his T-shirt on.

  Chris grinned. “Yeah. Want me to stop, or is a bit of playful flirting between friends allowed?”

  Samuel shook his head. “Playful is good. Just don’t be surprised if I pin you to the nearest surface, because my control is almost at its end.”

  “Having sex with me isn’t off limits for you, then? Despite my issue? Or do you just want to tease me back and don’t actually want to try me out?” Chris asked, the towel pressed against his stomach as he stopped drying himself off. “And also, telling me that someone I’m really mad at right now is going to be nearby isn’t really an incentive. I know Bran’s there. And I’ll probably have to see him when I visit you and give Misha’s present to Trent. Doesn’t mean I’m looking forward to it, though. Enough about that. Back to sex.” Chris dumped his towel in a bin and looked at Samuel as if waiting for his answer.

  Samuel understood Chris was still mad at Bran. “He’s your best friend, and this too shall pass. No, I don’t like teasing you, especially if it goes nowhere, but I’m not gonna rush things either. You asked for space, and that’s what I’ll give you, all right? So calm down and don’t be mad anymore. It’s time to replace all those ugly memories with the good stuff.”

  Chris picked up a clean towel and threw it at him, hitting Samuel in the face. “You sound like my old therapist. It’s not such a bad thing. I think what I’m worried about is that you’ll forget all about how you want me not to cut anymore and settle for great sex and being worried all the damn time. Worry because I’m in New Zealand and hang gliding or something, not because I’m home alone and upset about something stupid. Deal?”

  “Yup, I understand that, but remember, I’m not fifteen years old or even twenty-five. I know what I want, and great sex won’t make me stupid enough to ignore when you’re not doing well. And great sex also couldn’t be a substitute for your health and happiness. So I’ll never settle for something, as you call it. It’s called working at it and making progress.”

  Samuel blushed as Chris came up and kissed him on his cheek before taking his hand and pulling him from the hot tub room. “You’re a good guy, Samuel. Too bad I didn’t meet you before I got all fucked up in the head. You said you’d only been with three guys when we were back in Montana. Right? Tell me who they were?”

  “The first one was a high-school crush, and it was fleeting and quite awkward, because he couldn’t quite figure out if he was gay or not. The second guy was someone I did martial arts training with. That time was more serious, until his father, our sensei, found out and threatened to send him far, far away unless he forgot about me. Which he readily did, of course. The last relationship I had lasted about two years, give or take a month, and the end came very suddenly. For me
anyway. He felt a little bit like you about cows, actually—he hated living in the country and being so isolated from the big city life he grew up in. He took a position at a dental practice in Queensland but told me a week before he left. I didn’t see it coming, and I’ll be lying if I say I wasn’t hurt, because I was. And before you go there, the answer is no, he doesn’t pose any competition for you, and I won’t take him back even if he came and begged me to.”

  Chris shook his head and opened his apartment door. “They all sound like assholes. Sorry if you still care about them at all, but they do.”

  He closed the door behind Samuel and let go of his hand, making Samuel instantly miss that simple connection as he watched Chris head in the direction of the bedroom.

  “Shower’s here if you want to get the chlorine off you. I’ll be out in a minute. And I’m not that worried about competition from your exes. I was simply curious. The only person I ever thought was a threat to what I want with you was Bran when I caught you staring as he gave Kaden that lap dance.”

  He disappeared into his room, leaving Samuel standing there in the living room. Chris hadn’t closed the door all the way, though, and Samuel caught sight of one perfectly toned and beautifully tanned buttcheek before he looked away.

  A cold shower looked very attractive right then to get rid of the hard-on he had going since the hot tub, and seeing Chris’s naked butt hadn’t helped. He retrieved a change of clothes, something warmer and more suited for New York in winter, and a dry towel, then turned the shower on cold. The water was freezing for a few minutes before he turned the taps so it slowly heated up, and he sighed when it reached just the right temperature.