Dare to Hope

by Caitlin Ricci

  Chris had plenty of smelly bottles in there, and he made use of a couple to clean himself. It felt so good, if a little bit corny, to smell like Chris when he was done. He quickly pulled on a pair of thick track pants, a T-shirt, and a hoodie over that. After dealing with his towel and dirty laundry, he padded into the lounge on bare feet.

  “Are you hungry at all?” Chris asked from the couch as soon as Samuel came into view. Samuel looked him over and smiled at the sight of him in jeans so dark blue they were nearly black and a soft-looking gray sweater. He was stretched out on the couch, the sweater riding up a little over his stomach and showing off the bottom curve of his tattoo. As he watched, Chris slowly sat up, and a bit of his brown hair fell over his forehead. It looked like he hadn’t cut it since Montana, and the small curls that had been there before had lengthened into soft waves around his face and neck.

  “I ate a meal in Bangkok, which freaked me out because I couldn’t figure out what it was”—he shivered again in horror—“and again on the plane, but I have no idea how long ago it actually was. Going by what my stomach is saying, yeah, I’m hungry.”

  Chris laughed, and Samuel shivered for a completely different reason as he dragged his palm across Samuel’s stomach before going into the kitchen.

  “Cold pizza, Thai, milk that might still be good, or let me take you out? Or there’s always the option of ordering food in….” Chris leaned his back against the fridge as he waited for Samuel to decide.

  Samuel turned up his nose. “How about ordering something nice and warm? I’m not quite up to going out tonight. If that’s okay with you?”

  Chris smiled at him and gave him a quick nod. “Sure. Anything you want is fine with me.” He reached into a nearby drawer and pulled out a stack of delivery menus, along with a credit card. “Pick something out. All my favorites are circled. It makes things easier for me when I can’t remember what I like from where.”

  He pulled the menus closer and scanned through them before deciding on spicy Indian curry. Back home he didn’t eat it often, but reading the descriptions of the delicious food, he felt a sudden craving for it tonight. He stiffened, only for a moment, as Chris came up behind him and rested his forehead against Samuel’s back.

  “Remember the first time I ran my hand down your back? You got so stiff. I thought you were going to turn around and punch me,” Chris said. He sounded like he was smiling.

  Samuel frowned as he recalled the moment. “Ten years ago, I probably would have.”

  “You wouldn’t have hit me.” He seemed so sure.

  “Maybe, but it would’ve been a reflex if I did. Let’s just say, as a kid, my dad came from behind.” It wasn’t much of an explanation, but he didn’t want to talk about it anymore.

  Samuel felt it the minute Chris pulled away from him, backing up abruptly.

  “I’m sorry. If I’d known, I wouldn’t have done it. I wanted you to want me as much as I did you.”

  Samuel watched him as he came back around and stood beside him against the counter, giving Samuel his shoulder.

  “I did want you. From the start, but I don’t like rushing into anything worthwhile.” Samuel thought admitting that much would help Chris.

  CHRIS GAVE him a soft smile and put his phone on the counter. “Back in Montana I thought the definition of worthwhile was an hour with you under me. Use my phone to call. No reason you should get charged for an international call for dinner.”

  Samuel nodded and took Chris’s phone to dial the number. The chirpy guy on the line took his order and promised delivery within half an hour.

  When he disconnected the call, Chris smiled at him. “Would you like something to drink? Coffee, tea, ice tea, wine? Sorry, I don’t have anything stronger, because I’ve stopped drinking. The wine is left from then, if you’re interested?”

  “Ice tea would be nice, thanks. The hot tub made me thirsty.”

  Chris busied himself pouring them each a tall glass and added a slice of lemon. He placed one in front of Samuel where he sat at the small dining room table and took a seat.

  Samuel could see the strain of the day taking its toll on Chris. Dark rings framed his slightly red eyes, and small tension lines pulled at the corners of his lips.

  “You are exhausted, aren’t you?” Something in him wanted to take care of Chris. So badly.

  Chris tried to laugh it off. “I’m fine.”

  Samuel frowned at him. “I am the one person you don’t have to lie to, so don’t. Tell me where the cutlery is, and I’ll set the table for us. Our food will be here soon.”

  Chris let the mask drop. “Deal. Second cupboard on the left for plates. First drawer for knives and forks. The next drawer holds the napkins and place mats.”

  He ended with a deep yawn, and Samuel smiled.

  If they could be honest with each other, and it appeared Chris wanted that, he had hope for them yet.

  Chapter Eighteen

  SAMUEL USED the last piece of garlic naan to mop up the butter chicken sauce on his plate. Before them the table looked like a disaster zone… well, on his side anyway. Chris had long since finished eating and watched Samuel clean out the rest of the food from the takeout containers.

  He sat back with a sigh and drank the last of his second glass of tea. “Wow, I didn’t realize how hungry I was.”

  Chris stared at him with wide tired eyes, which he blinked very slowly. “I can’t believe you just ate all that.” He tipped the empty containers toward him to see if they were completely empty, which they were.

  “Hey, I traveled many, many miles to be here, and the trip sapped all my energy, so be nice,” Samuel joked as he got up and took their dishes to the kitchen, where he rinsed them before stacking them in the dishwasher.

  “I’m about to fall asleep on my feet. The day must have taken a bigger hit on me than I thought. Imagine that. I woke up this morning like every other day and did some work. At the end of five hours, I had no job and no parents left.”

  Chris gave a weak laugh, but Samuel heard the sadness anyway.

  He stepped closer to Chris and rubbed his palms over his upper arms and shoulders. “I know it must have been damn hard to stand up against your father like you did, but give it time. As soon as the cloying fog of his intimidation and abuse fades, you will be a different person.”

  Chris dropped his head back limply as he looked up at Samuel. “I hope you’re right.” He leaned closer and kissed Samuel softly on his mouth. “Yuck, you smell like garlic.”

  Samuel laughed as he switched off the kitchen light. “So do you. We ate the same food.”

  Chris smiled crookedly. “Your fault. I’m gonna go brush my teeth and crash, or I’ll end up passed out on the floor here.”

  “Where are you sleeping?” Samuel looked around.

  “On the couch… and before you object, it’s really comfortable, and I sleep on it plenty of times for that reason.”

  Chris disappeared into the bathroom, and Samuel waited his turn.

  When Chris came out, he went into the bedroom. “I’m just changing into more comfortable clothes.”

  The door stood open a crack, and Samuel forced himself not to peek.

  In the bathroom he cleaned his own teeth and used mouthwash twice before feeling satisfied. He came out to see Chris dressed in soft sleep shorts and a pale yellow T-shirt as he prepared his bed on the long sofa.

  “I’ll be fine. Go to bed. You’re as tired if not more so than I am. See you in the morning. Good night.”

  “Okay. G’night.” In the bedroom he left the door half open and took off his shirt and hoodie before sliding under the covers of the large, comfortable bed. The bloody thing was massive and had more than enough room for both of them, but Chris needed his space, so he wasn’t going to push.

  Knowing Chris was near worked better than any sleeping tablet Samuel had ever heard of, because he didn’t remember falling asleep. About an hour later, even his complete exhaustion couldn’t suppress his sharp reflex
es, because the moment Chris pushed the door open farther, he woke up.

  “Are you okay?” His voice sounded groggy, but he was wide awake.

  “Can I please sleep in here with you?”

  Chris’s voice sounded pretty normal, but Samuel knew something was wrong.

  “Of course you can. It’s your bed. Come here.” He lifted the bedcovers to his left so Chris could crawl under them. He slid right up to lie beside Samuel, their skin touching as Chris made himself comfortable and wound his legs around Samuel’s.

  “I guess the couch wasn’t as comfortable as I remember,” Chris said softly against his shoulder, but Samuel could feel the twitches in his muscles. Samuel knew it to be a lie, but he said nothing.

  Chris placed the palm of his hand on Samuel’s chest and rubbed it back and forth while he tried to push the other underneath his back. “That’s a lie. I’m sorry. I’m not doing too well.”

  The relief at the honesty washed over him. “What can I do to help?”

  Chris’s body shook a bit harder. “Please hold my wrists for me. The craving to cut is almost overwhelming, but I don’t want to. I want to stop hurting myself, but I’m afraid I’ll scratch my wrists to let out the pain, the disappointment. It hurts inside. So bad.”

  Samuel rolled onto his side and pushed Chris over too until he spooned him. He wriggled one arm around Chris’s neck and reached the other over his body to take both his wrists into a strong grip.

  “I’m here for you. Whatever you need.” Samuel kissed the back of his neck where Chris’s hair fell away to reveal soft, warm skin.

  Chris’s teeth started chattering, and he curled his fingers into tight fists as he took deep breaths, which released as small sobs full of deep agony. “I’m so freaked out by all that happened today. I’ve always had my job and my parents. They may have been shit at having kids, but they were a constant in my life. Bran too. Now it’s all gone, and it scares the fuck out of me. What comes next for me? Bran’s in New Zealand. Misha is God knows where. My career is shot to hell if my dad has anything to do with it. And my mother and father have finally written me off. Torn me out of their lives like a dirty page in a book.”

  Samuel squeezed him tight against his chest. “They wrote you off long before today. Emotionally anyway. And I promise you, you haven’t lost Bran, and Misha will be back before you know it.”

  “I tried to call my dad a couple of times, but he’s not answering, and his receptionist refuses to put me through to his office. My mom hung up on me, several times. I guess it’s really over.” Chris’s tears wet Samuel’s arms where his cheek rested. “The need to cut and let the pain flow out and drift away became unbearable earlier. I got the knife out but thought of you in here believing in me. It felt like I would be betraying you if I did it. So I stopped and came in here instead.”

  “I am so glad you did and proud of you for saying no to yourself. The only loss in this situation is theirs, babe. You are worth so much more than what they’ve given you. Instead of being proud of you, loving and nurturing you, they’ve done all they could to destroy your heart. They don’t deserve you in their lives. You may have lost part of your family, but you’ve gained three more in us. And once Kaden’s mom meets you and Kylie forgives you for lying to her, you’ll have a much bigger family than you’ve ever dreamed of.” Samuel hoped his words would hit home for Chris, the realization he wasn’t alone anymore.

  The shaking and sniffles continued for another ten minutes or so, but eventually the tension eased from Chris’s body as he relaxed completely into the shape of Samuel’s position. He loosened his grip around Chris’s wrists but didn’t release them yet.

  Chris stretched his legs after a while. “You can let go now. I think I’m over the worst. You being here helps.”

  Samuel let go and rubbed his thumbs up and down to get the blood circulation going again, and Chris hissed at the sensation.

  “I’m sorry. They must tingle,” Samuel apologized.

  “If you hadn’t done that, the damage would’ve been way worse. Thank you.” Chris turned over and pushed him onto his back before wrapping one leg and an arm around Samuel’s body. He placed his head onto his chest and sighed deeply, slight tremors still echoing through his limbs. “I think I can sleep now.”

  He followed it with a yawn, and the next Samuel heard was soft deep breathing.

  He closed his own eyes and tried to grab a hold of sleep again. The storm had come and gone, and they were still standing.

  Chapter Nineteen

  WAKING UP, Chris struggled to untangle himself from the rumpled sheets twisted around his legs. Bright light hit him in the face as soon as he turned over, and for one panicked moment, he thought he was late to work.

  But then he remembered the day before, and especially that night, and shame darkened his cheeks as he slowly sat up in bed, trying to make as little noise as possible. He heard Samuel moving around in the kitchen, and Chris knew he’d have to go out there and see him at some point. It might as well be right then.

  He got out of bed and stopped by the bathroom to go through his morning routine. He skipped the shower for now, and couldn’t help looking at his wrists, where Samuel had held him. There were faint pink lines, but Chris hardly minded them. He’d let Samuel into a place that no one had ever been with him before. As far as he could remember, no one had ever cared enough to be there either. Bran loved him, but they were different from that. Chris would have never allowed Bran to see him as vulnerable, as absolutely fucked up as Samuel had seen him last night.

  His kit wasn’t on the sink where he’d left it the night before, but after a quick look through all the drawers, Chris found it next to his supply of condoms. Samuel had put it away right where it belonged without even realizing it. His two vices, neatly packed together in one seemingly innocent drawer.

  Samuel was still in the kitchen when he came out of the bathroom, and Chris gave him a weak smile as he slid onto one of the barstools at the island. “Hey.”

  “Hi. I’m glad you were able to sleep.”

  Samuel slid a cheese omelet onto a plate in front of him, and Chris frowned. The breakfast clearly wasn’t for him, as Samuel couldn’t have known what time he would be getting up, but before he could say anything, Samuel was already moving on to the next.

  “Thanks,” Chris said, taking a bite and slowly starting to eat. Breakfast wasn’t usually a big deal to him besides a piece of fruit or maybe some yogurt, both from the break room at the firm. Eggs in the morning were a nice surprise and one he couldn’t have anticipated since he didn’t have any eggs in the apartment. Or he hadn’t until Samuel had gone down to the convenience store at the corner. The shopping bag was still on the counter.

  “About last night…,” Chris began, though he quickly lost his nerve as Samuel looked at him over his shoulder. “Never mind.” He went back to eating.

  Samuel finished cooking his breakfast and came over to sit next to him at the island. “I’m glad you came to me when you needed help.”

  “I’m sorry I had to at all,” Chris said quietly. He didn’t like getting to that place, especially not with Samuel around. His hand shook, and he put the fork down before it could make a lot of noise and draw Samuel’s attention.

  Samuel kept eating, but he did glance over at him. “Will holding your wrists until it passes always work?”

  “Cutting is the easiest and fastest way to stop the pressure. Sex does help, but it needs to be rough, and it takes longer. I’ve scratched or pinched myself when I couldn’t do either of those, but I end up bruising more than anything else. I have gloves in my backpack that I put over my hands when I can’t scratch but still need to release.”

  He went back to eating and was glad his hands were no longer shaking. “But no one has ever held my wrists before. It worked, though it did take a long time. I’m not used to being in that space for that long. It was just a guess that it would work at all, but I figured not being able to use my hands would make hurt
ing myself impossible. I didn’t mind it, though.” Explaining everything to Samuel, talking about it like the normal thing it was for him, was liberating in a way. He wasn’t delusional in thinking Samuel accepted what he had to do, but it was nice that he was willing to listen anyway.

  “What would you like to do today?” Chris asked. There was so much to see and do in New York City, and if it was warmer and not snowing, there was plenty he would have wanted to show Samuel, from the Statue of Liberty to Times Square, Grand Central Station, Central Park, and the New York City Library. They were some of the biggest tourist spots, but that made them no less interesting to him, and it didn’t stop him from wanting to share them with Samuel in any way.

  Samuel took a long time answering him, and Chris waited for him to make up his mind. When he did speak, though, what he said had Chris freezing beside him. “I’d like to go to the September 11 Memorial. Do you know where it is?”

  He had to remember to breathe as he gave Samuel a slow nod. “I’ve lived here all my life. I know where it is. You sure you want to go there?”

  “I do. Would you rather do something else instead?”

  There were probably a hundred places Chris would have rather gone that afternoon, but if Samuel wanted to see the site where the World Trade Center had fallen, he’d take Samuel there. It just wasn’t his favorite place to go, not by a long shot, and Samuel must have realized that somehow because he stopped Chris with a hand on his arm before he could finish standing up.

  “We don’t have to go there.”

  Chris leaned forward and kissed Samuel’s cheek. “Get your shoes on. And wear something warm.” He pulled out his phone and ordered a cab. When he was done, he looked back at Samuel, and when he didn’t see him getting up to get ready to go, he frowned. “What’s wrong?”