Dare to Hope

by Caitlin Ricci

  “What’s wrong? You sound out of breath.” Misha’s concern was clear through the phone.

  Chris gave Samuel a wink. “I’m fine. Just working out on the mats with Samuel. He’s showing me some great moves.”

  “I don’t need to know my little brother has a sex life, thank you very much,” Misha groaned over the line.

  Chris snorted and leaned forward to kiss Samuel. He pulled away before Samuel could get a hand on him, though. “Right. And here I was referring to some punchy kicky things. With big bags hanging from ceilings. But whatever, perv. Get my text? Trent wants you here.” Chris pushed the phone a little toward Samuel as if he was saying that Samuel could talk to Misha too if he wanted to.

  “Yeah. I got it. Thanks for giving him the tag. Only took you a fucking week.”

  As Samuel watched him, Chris turned bright red. “I was busy. Doing stuff.”

  “Sure. I’ll see you later. Tell Trent I love him.”

  Chris rolled his eyes. “Tell him yourself. I’m not your fucking messenger.”

  Misha laughed, and Chris smiled down at the phone.

  “Someday. But I’m going into a hot zone right now, and I want Trent to know that. In case.”

  “Nothing is going to happen to you. Don’t think like that,” Chris said with a dramatic sigh.

  “See you. Don’t piss Samuel off. I want you two to be friends, not you dead because you didn’t know when to stop.”

  “Yep. Bye.”

  He hung up the phone, and Samuel was sure he’d get to hold him now that he was no longer talking to Misha, only that didn’t happen then either as Chris stood back up and went to his pants, this time stepping into them.

  “Where are you going?” Samuel demanded, shocked that Chris would leave him so soon. And part of him was terrified that Chris was running away again.

  He had his pants zipped up before he answered him. “I have to go. See you.”

  Samuel grabbed his wrist before he could get too far, though. “Where are you running to now? And why?”

  With a smile Chris softly kissed him. “I’m not running anywhere. I need to shower and change before I go to Renegade tonight. I promised Jeff I’d be there. You should bring the guys.”

  “Are you with him?” Samuel asked, instantly hating that he had to question that.

  Chris’s expression turned serious in an instant. “No. You’re it for me. If we can figure out our shit before I go back to the States, that is. I figure a month should do it. Gotta go now, though. Thanks for this. You know I had fun.” He quickly kissed Samuel, then bounced away before Samuel could grab him again.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  RENEGADE WAS alive with hot bodies and thumping music when Chris walked in the door, waving to the bouncer on his way in. He’d been spending a few hours every night there since getting into New Zealand, and the guys at the door had started to recognize him. He wasn’t there because he had started drinking again, or because he wanted to dance with the dozens of guys that hit on him every night, but because he genuinely liked Jeff and Aaron. And when Jeff had complained of not having enough help on his first night back for a quick drink of soda, Chris hadn’t been able to resist helping him. He hadn’t known them long, but they’d easily been brought into his small circle of friends. And being at the bar let him work off some of his energy. He’d been an anxious wreck while he’d been working up to seeing Samuel and Bran again.

  He stripped off his jacket and shirt, pushing them under the bar as he came up beside Jeff as he busily mixed drinks. Aaron was only a few feet away, pouring a few beers from the taps.

  “Already busy tonight,” Chris said, smiling to some of the regulars he recognized. He didn’t know their names, not yet at least, but he was good with faces.

  Jeff gave him a nod before passing out the drinks to the guys at the bar. “Yeah. You look like you had fun. You’re practically glowing.”

  Chris just shrugged at him. “Maybe I did.” He liked the feeling of the bar, the music around him, and that he got to do something to help out a friend when the bar really started going. Aaron wasn’t much of a help, though he did try.

  And behind the bar, he felt like it was safe to dance and have fun while he poured drinks and flirted casually with the guys. “Aaron, come here,” he called. Like a cute, eager puppy, Aaron was at his side in an instant.

  “What’s up?”

  Chris grinned at him and pulled out a shaker. “I’m going to teach you a new drink. Pay attention. And remember, you gotta smile while making drinks.” A whiskey sour was one of his favorite drinks, and he easily remembered the ingredients. Whiskey, lemon, sugar, and a lemon wedge for garnish after he’d shaken it all up and served it over ice. The man nearest to him hadn’t ordered the drink, but he took it with a smile when Chris handed it to him. “Whiskey sour. Think you’ve got it?”

  Aaron nodded, looking uncertain, but Chris had faith in him. He was a fast learner. Leaving him to it, Chris went to help Jeff.

  “I’m amazed that he listens to you so well. I try to teach him the big industrial dishwasher in the back and he tunes straight out. You, he freaking idolizes.”

  Chris snorted and shook his head. “He wants me, even though he knows that is never going to happen. There’s a big difference between attraction and idolization. But I’m happy to help out.”

  “Thanks. You’re a great bartender. For a lawyer.”

  “Dated a guy. He was cute, horrible lover, but I picked up some skills. Also, spending a good part of my adult life drinking more alcohol than water probably helped.” Chris went back to it, taking drink orders as they flew at him and mixing the drinks up when he had to, otherwise sending Aaron off to pour them if they were only beers.

  When he got a few seconds, which wasn’t often, he closed his eyes and danced, letting the music go through him and not really caring about anything else until either Jeff or Aaron tapped him on his shoulder, getting his attention again.

  He could have been back with Samuel instead of here surrounded by random people, but if they were going to do this and actually try to have a relationship, Chris wanted them to have their own time to do their own things. That was important to him. It wouldn’t always be just the two of them, or even the five of them. If this was going to work, then Chris would need his time. He was independent and stubborn, but it seemed like Samuel was too. So maybe they had a chance. He hoped they did. The sex had opened his eyes a bit, but if he was really being honest, he’d wanted to give some serious thought to being with Samuel since he’d gone in and asked Samuel to hold his wrists for him. Cutting was so much easier than that night had been, especially since he’d had to be so fucking vulnerable with someone he really did care about. That was nearly impossible for him.

  He just needed to prove to himself that he could handle maybe just one week of being normal like everyone else and not wanting to cut. If he was okay with that then maybe he could make it to two, and then maybe he’d be okay at a month. It drove him nuts that he’d been fine, masking it all and dealing, for over a decade. But he hoped, and his ultimate plan, was to just stop it all. He wanted his crap gone and done with. When he had sex, hopefully with Samuel now that he knew just how good Samuel was, he wanted it to be because he was horny, because he wanted the other person… because, honestly, he was in love with Samuel and wanted to be with him. He didn’t want his frustration, his pain, or the constant pressure on him to be why he found someone else and let them screw him. He only wanted Samuel, and he wanted to be good enough for him. No issues, no complications. Just him and just Samuel. He wanted to go on dates, to hold Samuel’s hand as they went out to lunch, and not to feel like he had a volcano inside of him, just waiting to go off the minute he was pushed too hard.

  He was still thinking about what he needed to do and how much he needed to work on himself an hour later when Samuel, Bran, Kaden, and Trent came through the double doors of the bar and headed straight toward him.

  “Aaron, you’re up,” C
hris said as he started on an order of three martinis. “Four guys that just walked in, get them whiskey sours. And if you hit on the guy with the tattoos I will claw your eyes out.”

  Aaron laughed. “I remember him. He the reason you’re in such a good mood?”

  Chris grinned but didn’t answer him. “Get the drinks going.”

  “Don’t even know why Jeff makes me listen to you,” Aaron grumbled.

  “He doesn’t. You do that on your own. Soon as you stop thinking every guy here could be the right one for you and focus more on dating guys that don’t just want quick hookups, he won’t ask me to hang out and watch over you so much.” It was just a guess, since Jeff was more than efficient when it came to running the bar from what Chris could tell, and they’d talked a little about the kind of mistakes Chris had made growing up. None of the worst of it but plenty of the small stuff.

  He glanced over at Aaron, making sure he made the drinks well enough that his friends wouldn’t get sick from them, then gave the martinis he’d made to Jeff to hand out. Aaron put the whiskey sours in front of them, and Chris took his spot. “Hey,” he said, giving Bran a nod but Samuel a smile as he leaned over the bar to quickly kiss him. “Glad you came.” He dragged the fingers of his right hand down the front of Samuel’s chest, loving that he’d worn one of those muscle shirts that showed off every bit of him again. He wouldn’t be wearing it for long, though, if Chris could bring him home that night.

  “Hey, nice tattoo, can I buy you a drink?”

  Chris turned to face the unfamiliar man and gave him an easy, flirty smile. “Sure. I like vodka. Straight up. That good for you?”

  The man gave him a smile, and Chris turned away from them all as he pulled down the most expensive bottle of vodka, grabbed a shot glass, and also a bottle of water he had hidden behind the pricey whiskey hardly anyone ordered. He poured himself a shot of water, hid the water bottle, and put the vodka away before turning around and making a big deal of shooting the water and having it burn like vodka. The guy laughed, his friends pulled him away, and Chris passed the money he paid over to Jeff, who gave him a nod of thanks.

  He went back to Bran and Samuel, looking to Bran first. “How’s noon tomorrow for you look? We need to talk.”

  Bran looked uncertain. “Why don’t we talk now?”

  They could, actually. There were plenty of dark places in the bar where they could go to talk, and it wasn’t as if Jeff actually needed him there. He was pretty sure he was only there as eye candy and to help out sometimes, not that he minded. Or maybe it was that Jeff liked having someone around to talk to that wasn’t a bull-headed twenty-two-year-old who seemed to know everything but absolutely none of it being important. “Sure.” He turned his attention to Samuel. “I’d like you to come over tonight. If you can. I’ll text you my address.” He quickly did just that and got a little beep from Samuel’s phone in return to let him know the message had been delivered.

  Samuel nodded. “Okay, I’ll be there.”

  Chris gave a little wave to Jeff to let him know he wouldn’t be there for a few minutes, then lifted up the flap in the bar to get to Bran. They found a small, sort of quiet corner, and Chris crossed his arms over his chest as he tried to figure out where to start with Bran. “I want you to know I still love you, and I don’t want to stop being friends. Ever. You’re like a brother to me. I actually like you more than Misha 90 percent of the time, if not more.”

  Bran gave him a weak smile and laid his forearms over Chris’s shoulders. Instead of pushing him away, Chris wrapped his hands loosely around Bran’s back, resting them at base of his spine. “I can’t fight with you anymore. I overreacted, I was stupid, and I’m sorry.”

  “I know you are,” Chris said. Bran had apologized plenty enough already. “I’m mad at you because when you told me you screwed my brother, I forgave you. And when you didn’t tell me that Richard had abused you, and then I got hurt by him, which could have been avoided had you actually told me the truth, I forgave you then too. But when I let you know that I was doing something that only ever hurt me, you threw me out of your life. That wasn’t okay, Bran. I needed you, I’ve always needed you, and you pushed me away and treated me like I was nothing. Like you would rather that I screw strangers and hurt myself with other people and put myself in really dangerous situations, rather than just cut myself.”

  Chris waited for him to say something, to show that he understood why Chris had been so mad at him, and when Bran finally nodded and looked like he was about to cry, Chris was pretty sure he did get it this time. He pulled Bran tightly into his arms and closed his eyes as Bran held him just as close, digging his hands into Chris’s back.

  “I get that. And I’m sorry I did that to you, but I don’t like you cutting. I wish I could stop you somehow,” Bran quietly said, barely loud enough for Chris to hear him.

  Chris nodded. “I don’t like doing it either. I don’t want to do any of it. When I told you, though, I only wanted you to listen, to try to understand, and it hurt that you couldn’t do even that much for me after everything we’ve been through.”

  “I’m going to make this up to you,” Bran promised him.

  Chris didn’t worry about that too much. Bran had been listening now, and by his tears, Chris knew he understood. “We’re best friends. We’re going to fight. I just wanted you to understand why I’ve been needing to punch you lately.”

  Bran laughed and pulled back. He wiped his cheeks, getting rid of his tears. “I don’t blame you for that at all. What’s your plan now?”

  “I need to talk to Samuel for that.” He took Bran’s hand, and they headed back to the bar where Chris slipped behind it. Before he moved away, though, he leaned over and kissed Bran quickly on his cheek. “You’re still a great friend. But you are stupid sometimes.”

  That made Bran laugh.

  Chris served a few more drinks before Jeff came over to get his attention. “Thanks for the help, mate, but go so you can spend time with your friends. I’m sure you and your buddy over there will cause quite a stir on the dance floor by the looks of you together.”

  Chris saw him gesture at Bran and laughed out loud. “Oh, I’m sure we can. We used to dance like that all the time while in college. Just hope no one dares to touch us, or Kaden and Samuel may do some damage.”

  Jeff grinned at him. “If I hadn’t worked my butt off to get this place, I would buy front row tickets. You guys are all smokin’ hot. Go on. They’re waiting for you.” Jeff pushed him away with a hand on his shoulder.

  He grabbed his shirt from where he stashed it under the bar and tucked it into his pants. When he reached his group of friends, Samuel’s eyes latched onto his tattoo before moving lower to his navel.

  “We gonna dance a bit?” he asked them all, but kept his eyes locked to Samuel’s heated gray ones.

  Bran was the one to answer his question. “Hell, yes. This music has me squirming on my seat to get moving.”

  Chris took Samuel’s hand, pulling him onto the floor and immediately pressing himself against Samuel’s chest, needing that contact. “So…. You okay with me being here? Random guys hitting on me while I walk around without a shirt on, or does this make your jealousy kick in?”

  Samuel put his lips to Chris’s ear, giving it a quick nip. “They can look all they like, but if they touch, all bets are off.”

  Laughing, Chris ran his hands down the front of Samuel’s shirt, both loving and hating that he wore the skintight shirt again. It showed off everything, which was awesome, but then everyone else could see Samuel too, which made him want to yell at them all. “Good. Because I like it here. And we would have had another fight if you’d told me you forbade it or some shit like that. I don’t really follow orders too well.”

  Samuel gave a deep laugh as he pulled Chris’s hips closer and started moving with the beat. “I think I know that very well.”

  Chris looked to his left and quickly looked away again. “Don’t look over there. I don’t want yo
u seeing my best friend practically screwing his boyfriend in public.” He wanted to put a sheet over them and toss them in a bedroom somewhere, which was where they belonged, but Bran and Kaden looked completely oblivious as Bran rubbed his ass against Kaden’s crotch and Kaden kissed him from behind. It was hot, absolutely so, but Chris wanted to make sure Samuel didn’t see them too. “Do you remember when Bran gave Kaden that lap dance back in Montana?”

  “I was a bit drunk from the spiked vodka and orange juice you two made, but yes, I remember some of it.” Samuel’s hands went around his hips to grasp his ass and pull him into a pump-and-grind movement.

  “Well….” Chris had no idea why he wanted to share an embarrassing fact with Samuel, but out it came anyway. “I was afraid you’d want him more than me after you saw him doing that. Clearly, I was wrong. But it was an insecure moment. We’re both good-looking. I’m not blind or stupid about that. But Bran’s got something all his own.”

  Samuel was doing a good job of getting him really horny.

  “So do you. Why would I want Bran if I can have you? He belongs to Kaden and has since the very first day they met on Tobias’s steps in Montana. I would never do that to my friend, and besides, Bran and I would’ve killed each other a long time ago. We are not a match. Believe me. What I want is right here in front of me.”

  Chris couldn’t help blushing at Samuel’s words. “Want to go to my place? It isn’t far. Or did you bring the rest of them and now we need to wait for them before I can have you? There are bathrooms here, but I don’t really see you being a bathroom screw kind of guy.”

  Samuel turned him around so Chris’s back touched his front as they danced. His head fell back onto Samuel’s shoulder, and he shivered when Samuel kissed his neck and jaw.

  “Any bathroom but this one. I’ll do you in Kaden’s bathroom, Trent’s—hell, even the one at our milking shed, but not here. Why, do you have a thing for bathrooms?”

  “Hell no. Except that they’re often the most convenient places to suck off random guys, but in general, they smell and are dirty. And let’s not have sex in their bathrooms either. They probably have, and I’d rather not do that. I’m making that a rule. Unless we’re absolutely desperate and can’t wait to get back to your place or mine. But please can we get out of here? I can feel your cock through those jeans, and I really need you right now.” Chris wasn’t above begging if it meant getting Samuel naked in the bargain.