Dare to Hope

by Caitlin Ricci

  “After all that, you’re gonna let it go?” Chris called out.

  Kaden, Trent, and Samuel looked their way, but it was Trent who spoke.

  “This is a breeding male snapper, and we always put the biggest ones back so they can continue to breed. We’ve got a few smaller ones from earlier on ice that we can make for a late lunch.”

  “Aaah, okay. Makes sense,” Bran mumbled.

  Neither Chris nor Bran, it seemed, were all that interested in fishing. Chris liked fish well enough, but he liked them deep fried with french fries and some malt vinegar, not dangling from a hook at the end of a pole and line.

  With the excitement over, Trent fired up the small tabletop BBQ grill and pan fried the fresh catch for them. Kaden and Samuel made a couple of salads, and they all enjoyed the lovely meal with a glass of wine or beer as the warm day started turning cooler with approaching nightfall.

  “Wow, Trent. That was amazing,” Chris thanked him when he swallowed the last bite. “At least I know my brother will be well fed. Come on Bran, let’s clean up, seeing as these guys made the food.”

  It didn’t take long for them to wash the few dishes and secure them in the small wooden cupboards in the cabin. When they were done, Kaden and Trent seemed deep in conversation on one bench, and Bran walked over to join them.

  Samuel had gone up onto the deck, and Chris made his way up there too. He went around and lowered himself between Samuel’s legs, his back resting against his man’s chest. Samuel’s tattooed arms came around him to hold him closer as they stared out over the glass-like water. The sun had lowered on the horizon, and beautiful hues colored the sky.

  Chris sighed. “It’s so beautiful here.”

  Samuel’s chest rumbled behind him as he chuckled in agreement. “It is, and I remind myself often to be grateful for it.”

  Chris leaned his head back to see Samuel’s face, using one arm to pull him down for a kiss. As always, it didn’t take much for the heat to spike between them. Samuel fondled him through his shorts, and Chris gasped as his neck was nipped and licked at the same time, making him nearly animalistic as he rubbed himself against Samuel, desperate for contact.

  “You make me want to strip down and have sex right here.”

  Samuel groaned deeply. “Maybe another time, without an audience.”

  On cue they heard snickers. “Get a room!” Bran yelled at them.

  “As if you can talk!” Chris retorted. They withdrew and turned back around to appreciate the view. “We gonna be okay?” He was frightened and uncertain, needing Samuel’s reassurance, even if all Samuel could give him were his words and the promises in them.

  Samuel kissed his ear. “We’re gonna be fine.”

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  AFTER THEY docked the boat back at the marina later that evening, well after the sun had set, Samuel wanted Chris to come back home with him. But Chris went to his bike instead, pulling on his helmet as he walked away from the rest of them. Samuel went to him anyway, hoping to convince him to come over. “You can load the bike into the back of my truck and I’ll take you back to my place,” Samuel offered.

  Chris flipped up the visor on his helmet so they could talk. “Look at my present first. And I didn’t mention how much I like seeing the necklace I got you around your neck. It’s hot.” He reached up and touched the small jade pendant, and Samuel took his hand before Chris could pull away.

  “I’d rather have you come back with me.”

  Laughing, Chris shook his head. “Present first. Come over tomorrow morning if you want to.”

  Of course Samuel would want to. He wanted Chris to come over now, though. It wasn’t just that he wanted to have sex with him, it was that he wanted Chris close by. He wasn’t ready to say good night to him just then. “If you insist on not seeing each other until tomorrow, I’ll respect that.”

  Chris took off the helmet and gave Samuel a soft, lingering kiss. “Don’t sound so sad. I need to do a few things, and I want to think a little too.”

  Samuel frowned at him, and Chris smiled as he put the helmet back on.

  “See you tomorrow.”

  Samuel stepped back, giving Chris some room. “I’ll be there in the morning.”

  Chris gave him a nod and took off down the road, the bike kicking up dirt and loose gravel in its wake. Samuel shook his head and turned to see Bran watching him as Kaden and Trent loaded up Trent’s truck.

  “He does care about you, despite whatever it is you’re thinking,” Bran said.

  Samuel didn’t doubt that at all. “I know. It was good to hear him say he loves me. It would be nice, though, to be let into his life, to feel like I have some place in it.”

  “You do. May not seem like it, but you are in his life in a big way.” He took out his phone and started typing. “I really shouldn’t do this, and Chris would probably kill me if he found out, but here, he sent me this text while you were all cooking dinner. He didn’t want us to be overheard.”

  Samuel walked over to him and looked at the text Bran had pulled up on his phone. If Samuel asked me, I’d say yes. Help me plan it? Not sure what passes for a wedding here, and I don’t want a cow as a best man. Freaking out but surprisingly not feeling crazy. Glad he can’t tell. Also, and don’t you dare mention this, but I start therapy again on Monday. Don’t make it a big deal.

  Samuel grinned and wanted to go find Chris that minute, to take him in his arms and hold him close. He knew Chris wasn’t ready for marriage, but it was enough to know that he was thinking about it, that he’d thoroughly considered it, and that Chris wanted to say yes to him. He was also going to therapy. It was going to be hard for him not to ask Chris about how it was going.

  “Told you so,” Bran said, smiling at him. “Fucking divorce lawyer probably getting married before me. He always was the romantic one between us, though, despite his aversion to a piece of paper and a ceremony. The party part was never an issue. Talk to you later.” Bran went over to Kaden since Trent’s truck was loaded up, and took his man’s hand.

  AT HOME, Samuel went straight to his bathroom and pulled open the drawer Chris had told him to look in, and for a while there he could only stare at the small knife, still tucked away neatly in its sheath, with a bright red ribbon wrapped around it. The knife was a present, clearly, but it was so much more than that. Samuel took it as a promise that Chris wasn’t going to be cutting anymore, and that he knew he had family there in New Zealand to help him when things did get to be too much for him.

  Samuel understood the overwhelming need to release the tension inside of himself, and he took care of that need with martial arts. It was healthy and constructive and something he hoped to introduce Chris to someday, because he knew Chris would still need some way of helping himself if life got to be too much for him. His hands shook as he pulled the knife from the drawer and considered what to do with it. He didn’t want it anywhere near him or anywhere Chris could find it again either. Picking a place where it couldn’t be used ever again, he took it downstairs and tossed it in the trash bin outside of his house. Chris had better ways of coping now, and he had all of them to lean on when he needed some support. They were his family, and someday soon Samuel intended to be his husband.

  I got your present. Thank you, Samuel texted him.

  The reply was nearly instant, but it wasn’t anything like what Samuel had been expecting to receive from Chris.

  Which of these paint chips do you like most?

  Along with the text was a picture of six pieces of colored paper, all taped up against a cream-colored wall Samuel didn’t recognize. Most of Chris’s walls were light blue, and he was renting the house anyway, so he didn’t understand what Chris was doing with paint chips to begin with.

  What are you painting? Samuel texted back.

  Doing this myself would require getting dirty. I don’t do that unless it’s sex. Pick a color.

  Samuel wanted to know what was going on first. Tell me what you’re doing. Then I can help
.

  His phone lit up, and he answered it, glad Chris had called him. Maybe he could get some answers while Chris was on the phone.

  “Come over,” Chris said before Samuel could speak. “I want to see you. It’ll be fun. Stuff to talk about. Might even let you play with my piercings if you’re good.”

  Samuel’s body reacted instantly to the thought of Chris’s new piercings, but he sounded distracted, despite the softly teasing note in his voice.

  “So… you coming over? I don’t really have clothes on to get to you.”

  “Well, if you put it that way, don’t go to any trouble. I’ll be right over.” Samuel chuckled at the image of Chris strutting around naked in his house.

  Chris groaned, sounding like he was stretching. “Great. Door’s unlocked. You can help me eat this ice cream.”

  “Leaving now. See you soon.” Samuel grabbed his keys off the foyer table and locked the door. The drive to Chris’s place didn’t take long, and he pulled in behind the motorbike where it stood in front of Chris’s garage door.

  The lights were on, all of them, which Samuel thought was strange as he turned off the engine in his truck and headed up to the front door, which had been painted a pretty dark blue since the last time Samuel had seen it. The door was unlocked, just as Chris had said, and he came inside to find Chris sitting at the island, wearing only a pair of black boxers. He had a carton of ice cream beside him and a pile of papers in front of him. In his right hand he twirled a pen between his fingers.

  “Hey,” Chris said, looking up at him.

  Samuel put his wallet, keys, and phone down before walking up to him to give him a kiss, tasting the sweet coldness on his lips. “Hey. I missed you.”

  “Missed you too. Even though it’s only been a few hours. I figured we’d talk tomorrow… but I was up, you were up, and paperwork is always less boring with a sexy distraction. Start distracting me. I still have six pages left to do.” Chris gave him a light shove away, smirking at him.

  “Six pages of paperwork is a lot. What are you doing?” Samuel was curious.

  Chris bit his lip as he turned the papers toward Samuel without saying a word, and Samuel started reading for himself. They were immigration papers, filled out nearly completely. The only things Chris had left to fill out were the references. The rest of it, Samuel saw, were the laws he’d have to abide by. He stared at the forms in astonishment before looking up at Chris.

  “Wow, that’s a big step for you.”

  Chris shrugged, looking like it wasn’t as big of a deal as it was. Only Samuel saw the worry in Chris’s eyes.

  “You okay with this? I’m not just doing this to be near Bran. You’re going to have to put up with me being around a lot more than only at holidays. The guy I’m renting this place from, he said I could make my law practice from here if we ever do move in together. Which would be into your house, in case you were wondering. I’m not giving up living there. Not a chance in hell.”

  “I’m glad you like my house, then, and this is perfect for a law office. What were you planning to set up here?”

  Chris slid off the barstool and, seemingly nervous, took Samuel’s hand. “C’mon, I’ll show you what I’ve been doing since I got off Trent’s boat a few hours ago.”

  He pulled Samuel into a small room that Samuel hadn’t even noticed before since the door had always been closed, but now that Chris had let him in he saw a shiny brand new desk, a bookshelf half-full of law books, and Chris’s degrees and awards hanging on the walls.

  “Welcome to my office. I was hoping you could help me pick a wall color. I hate white walls. So boring.” Chris let go of his hand and stepped back, still looking worried.

  “You have been busy. It looks really nice and professional, but the walls look a bit dull, I agree with you. Where are the color charts you texted me earlier?”

  Chris smiled at him, obviously relieved. “In the bedroom. I figured that if I was going to go through the trouble of getting one room painted, the others should be done as well. I’m glad you’re okay with this. With me starting over here. Misha made me realize, when he told Trent he loved him, that all of my family is here now. And there’s nothing left for me in Manhattan. My neighbor will visit, but my dad isn’t speaking to me, and my mom hangs up on me. If Misha really is ready to stop, I don’t want to be away from him. Bran and I aren’t perfect, but we’ve been texting all night. And then there’s you….”

  Samuel could see the concern all over Chris’s face, and he wanted it gone, so he teased him a bit. “Oh? What about me?”

  “Kaden was right. It is a long way for a quick screw. Guess if I want you all the time, I better be here,” Chris said, his scared smile giving way to a grin. “I want to see you more than once a month. More than once a week, even.”

  “You mean you just want me for my body?” Samuel mock frowned.

  Chris snorted. “Maybe not just your body. Kind of want your heart too, seeing as how you’ve had mine for the last eight months. And I’ve put holes in myself for you. Four of them. That should count for something.”

  Samuel pulled him closer until their hips met. “You had my heart a long time ago, so it’s yours. And I can’t wait to start exploring your holes.”

  Chris laughed loudly. “Ha. Then you really had better follow me into the bedroom. Oh, and no telling Bran that I’m staying just yet. We’re getting coffee at that place you guys went to in Thames. That’s tomorrow morning. I’ll tell him then.” Chris pulled out of his arms and started heading down the hallway with Samuel close behind him.

  “I won’t see him before tomorrow anyway,” he told Chris as he followed him into the bedroom.

  Chris rolled his eyes and closed the bedroom door behind them both. “I was more worried about you texting him. I figured you wouldn’t be seeing him after midnight unless you were all at a club. Colors are on the wall there. I have it narrowed down to six. I guess. I’ve never had to choose paint before so, really, they could all be wrong.”

  Samuel wasn’t looking at the paint, though, not when Chris was pushing the boxers down his hips, appearing completely at ease with the idea of being naked with him around.

  “Like any of them?” Chris asked as he started lotioning up his arms now that he was naked.

  Staring at the colors, Samuel shook his head. “Do you honestly expect me to concentrate on paint if you’re naked next to me?”

  “You said no more nudist beaches. I have to get my naked fix somehow. What? Is this hard for you?” Chris asked him with a snicker.

  “You have no freakin’ idea how hard it is.” Like steel, in his pants.

  “Maybe you need to be closer to the paints, then,” Chris teased him, pulling a random color off the wall and bringing it up to Samuel’s face. “How’s this? Still hard?”

  It could have been an accident, but Samuel figured he’d spent enough time around Chris to know that his hand brushing against the front of Samuel’s pants was completely intentional.

  Chris giggled when Samuel turned around with a growl and half picked him up as he stepped over to the bed, where he dropped Chris on the duvet before climbing on top of him.

  “Very hard for me, so very good for you.”

  “I’d like to think you get something out of it as well,” Chris said with a laugh. Samuel shut him up with a kiss, then quickly made coherent speech impossible for the next few hours.

  SAMUEL LEFT a groggy Chris early the next morning to head back to the farm for the morning milking. For the last few days he’d had this idea but hadn’t wanted to follow through until he knew for certain whether Chris had made up his mind about some things, such as their relationship and possibly making a home in New Zealand.

  His phone beeped a few hours later, and he looked down at it, surprised to see a text from Chris this early.

  Doesn’t anyone in this country sleep in? You weren’t here, and Bran woke me up with a text telling me it was going to rain so I should bring a jacket. I’m not five. I blame t
he cows. You all and the cows.

  Samuel smiled at the whiny tone he could practically hear Chris using through the phone.

  He rushed through a hot shower and chomped down a large bowl of cereal before heading out. For this mission he drove to Hamilton, because the city would have many more options for what he was looking for. His first stop was a pet shop and after that three more with no success. The two animal shelters also couldn’t help him, and though he was relieved most of the cages were empty, it made him worry his trip had been a waste of time.

  As a last resort he used his phone to find all the farm veterinary clinics in the city and drove to them one by one. Almost four hours later he walked into a small clinic on the outskirts of town, and by the size alone he doubted he would have any luck.

  The young girl behind the counter perked up when she saw him, her eyes taking on a calculating gleam. “Hi there. How’s your day been?”

  Samuel sighed. “Hey. It’s been a long day so far, so I’m hoping you can help me.”

  She turned her head slightly sideways and played with a curly strand of hair hanging by her ear. “Well, I can do my best. What were you after?”

  Samuel looked around the small shop attached to the veterinary clinic, not seeing any pets on display. “I am on the lookout for a gift for someone—a puppy to be exact. Do you have any for sale here?”

  She shook her head slowly, and Samuel felt like walking out of the store without another word.

  “Not here, no. But someone came in here yesterday and left this here for us to advertise. I haven’t put it up on the notice board yet, but you can look at it.”

  She held out a sheet of paper, and Samuel stepped closer to take it.

  The moment he laid eyes on the puppy in the middle of the three on the photo, he knew his search was over. “Where do I find these?”

  She smiled and gave him another once-over. “It’s a local farmer who owns them. Their farm is about twelve kilometers from here.”