Jest Right

by Piers Anthony

  “Then perhaps Myst should translate for Jess, when there’s a question,” Nia said.

  “Sure,” Myst agreed, not picking up on the irony. “We’re a family.”

  “Let’s get aboard and introduce the others,” Dell said.

  “How many does that little boat hold?” Jess asked, determined not to be shut up at the outset.

  “She means—” Myst started.

  “Peace, child,” Nia said. “Nobody believes about Fibot, either, until they have seen it.” She smiled. “Just as they don’t believe about me.”

  Squid and Win laughed together, though Jess couldn’t see what was funny. She was watching Nia, though there was something odd about her manner.

  “Fibot is larger than it looks,” Dell said. “This way.”

  They walked to the boat. Then Dell helped Nia climb aboard, and Magnus helped Jess. The two girls smiled as Myst puffed into a cloud and drifted up to the deck before reforming.

  “Did you forget to tell us something about your sibling?” Nia asked Win.

  “Oh, that’s right,” Win said. “It’s her talent. She can turn misty, and back again. The way the wind is my talent, and—”

  “I believe I have the picture,” Nia said. Jess was privately satisfied to see the woman caught by surprise.

  Dell led the way to the center of the craft, where there was a hatch that led down. Nia climbed down into it, though obviously it couldn’t go far; the ground was right below the boat.

  Yet in less than a moment Nia disappeared below. Jess peered after her. There was a hole that went well below ground level, with handholds all around it.

  Then she remembered: Fibot was larger than it looked. It was one of those magic things that were larger on the inside than on the outside. That explained a lot.

  “You’re next,” Dell said. “We were surprised, too, when we first boarded Fibot. There’s a lot more to it than the fire sail.”

  Myst clambered down. Then Jess went, carefully. Then Magnus. Dell and the two girls remained topside.

  Below it was relatively enormous. This was clearly the interior of a ship, not a boat. “I will show you to your cabin,” Nia said. “Once you’re settled, I will introduce you to the others.”

  “Thank you,” Jess said somewhat faintly.

  “She means it,” Myst said.

  “So it seems.” Nia led them down a short hall, her graceful body swaying with a natural allure that caused Magnus to shade his eyes with his hand. “This suite should do,” she said, opening a door. “If it is unsatisfactory, we’ll find another.”

  The suite was palatial, with a family room, bedroom, child’s room, bathroom, and phenomenal closet space. In fact the whole external Fibot could just about have fitted inside it. Jess had not encountered magic of this nature before, and was horribly impressed.

  Magnus looked at her, lifting an eyebrow. “It will do!” Jess said.

  “Excellent,” Nia said. “I will prepare a meal while you get settled. Do you have any preference?”

  Jess looked appealingly at Magnus. He took over without hesitation. “We will be happy to have the house special, thank you,” he said. “We will be out shortly.”

  Nia nodded and gracefully exited, closing the door softly behind her.

  Now at last Jess could relax. “You said pretty girls threw themselves at you, but this is beyond the pale.”

  He laughed. “A pretty girl is one thing. Nia is another. I’ve never seen a woman like her. She wasn’t even trying, yet she was close to blowing me away.”

  “I noticed.”

  “Remember, she’s married. She doesn’t want me, anyway. Don’t go getting jealous on me.”

  “I’m not jealous!” Jess exclaimed.

  Both Magnus and Myst laughed. “Good thing we don’t believe you, anyway,” Myst said.

  Jess realized she was making a foolish scene. “I’m sorry. I never had a man take me seriously before, even for one night, and I’m not used to handling it.”

  “Remember, I have a mind as well as an eye,” Magnus said. “I look at women, but I know you are the one I want.”

  “Kiss her,” Myst said wisely. “She needs it.”

  Magnus took Jess into his arms. “I am faking it because that’s the only way I can do it. But behind the fakery, it’s real. I hope you understand.”

  Jess was suddenly very glad they had had the prior night together with the rose. That had clarified his real interest. “I do.”

  He kissed her. She loved it.

  Myst applauded. “Notice I didn’t even say ‘yuck.’”

  “Thank you.”

  “There’s something funny about Nia,” Myst said. “Maybe she’s magical.”

  “She could be a nymph in human guise,” Magnus said. “It doesn’t matter as long as Dell is satisfied.”

  “What man wouldn’t be satisfied with a nymph?” Jess asked. “They have perfect bodies and are effectively brainless.”

  He smiled. “I wouldn’t. I encounter too many of those at my shows. But I agree, most men would.”

  They used the facilities to wash and primp and handle natural functions. They then went out to brace Nia again.

  She had a lovely meal set out on a kitchen table. Her taste was perfect.

  Jess could no longer contain her curiosity. “How do you do it?”

  “This craft has everything including kitchen sync, so as to synchronize dishes. That makes it easy.”

  “I mean you seem so competent for one so young.”

  Nia smiled. “Just as Fibot is larger than it looks from outside, I am older than I look. Outside I am twenty-one. Inside I am sixty-one.”

  “Sixty-one!” Jess exclaimed.

  “I had an encounter with the Fountain of Youth, and lost two thirds of my age. As it happened, Dell liked that, so we get along. I have a fair amount of experience, and make sure to give him what he wants, even if he does not always know what he wants.”

  “He thinks you’re twenty-one?” Magnus asked.

  “He knows my age, mentally, and prefers it, but is satisfied with my younger body. We were friends before it happened; he first knew me as the grandmother. We understand each other.”

  “I appreciate that,” Jess said.

  “She means it,” Myst said.

  “Yes, I believe I am coming to understand how to relate to you,” Nia said. “You are not what you seem, in attitude, just as I am not what I seem in appearance. We should get along.”

  Jess rather thought they would, now.

  “Any other questions?” Nia asked graciously.

  Jess looked around. “There’s even art on the walls. It looks like sheer quality. How did you get that?”

  “It’s not original,” Nia said. “We gave a lift to a traveler with the talent of the spitting image. Where he spat, there was a perfect copy of an original painting.”

  Jess remained amazed. “Everything here is so bright and colorful. Not grubby the way a boat can be.”

  “We gave a lift to another traveler, Polly Ester. Her magic was to make everything colorful.”

  “You certainly managed well.”

  “And I think you are not being facetious.”

  “I am not,” Jess agreed.

  “Now you must meet the others,” Nia said as they finished the meal and she cleaned off the places. She snapped her fingers.

  A boy appeared. He was about twelve, ordinary, but there was something about him. “This is Santo,” Nia said. “Santo, these are Magnus, Jess, and—”

  “Santo!” Myst cried, leaping into the boy’s embrace.

  “Oops, I forgot,” Nia said good naturedly. “Of course you know each other. You’re siblings!”

  “We sure are,” Myst agreed happily.

  “You’re from the future, too,” Magnus said.


  “Yes.”

  “However,” Nia continued, “There are two other things you should know about him.”

  “Let me tell them!” Myst said. “One, he’s a Magician, or almost. He makes holes. Big holes. You’ll see.”

  “You will see,” Nia agreed. “We couldn’t travel properly without Santo.”

  Jess decided to keep quiet, though she didn’t see what was so special about making holes.

  “And he’s gay,” Myst said.

  Neither Jess nor Magnus knew what to say about that, so they were silent. They could get more details from Myst later, if they needed to. Obviously it made no difference to Myst.

  Santo lifted a hand in parting, and departed.

  Nia snapped her fingers again. This time a girl responded. This was a ten-year-old girl with orange hair and eyes. “This is Ula,” Nia said. “Whose talent is being useful in unexpected ways. She is not a sibling, but has bonded with the others and they accept her as one of them. Ula, these are—”

  “Magnus and Jess,” Ula said. “Win and Squid told me.” She glanced at Jess. “Neat talent.”

  “Thank you,” Jess said, bemused.

  Ula looked at Magnus, and went silent. She, too, clearly felt his aura.

  “And our animal complement,” Nia said, snapping her fingers twice.

  A little robot dog walked in, with a screen for a face, and a small black bird perched on its shoulder. “Tata Dogfish,” Nia said. “Our chief source of critical information. He’s a robot.”

  Jess looked at the dogfish. He was male, metallic, with fish-like scales, and a fish tail, but also stubby legs, or maybe descending fins. Taken as a whole, a remarkably strange creature, whether alive or dead.

  “I understand it was raining cats and dogs, and he came down in the storm,” Nia said. “Later he came to join the crew of the boat, as he can be of better service here.”

  The fish tail wagged affirmatively.

  “And the Peeve, our chief source of irritation.”

  The bird flew up onto her shoulder. “Thank you, harridan,” it said in Nia’s voice. Then it turned to Magnus, while Nia kept her mouth clearly closed. “We know of you, circus man,” Nia’s voice continued. “Tata knows everything, when he looks it up in his database.”

  “Close enough,” Magnus agreed.

  The bird turned its beak toward Jess. “As for you, you lovely creature—” It broke off, then tried again. “You are a marvel of discretion.”

  Now Nia laughed. “What’s the matter, birdbrain? Cat got your tongue?”

  “It’s not coming out right,” the peeve complained.

  “And do you know why? Because nobody takes her seriously. Not even you. You can’t seriously insult her.” Nia faced Jess. “The peeve’s talent is the insult. It seems you’re messing it up.” She was clearly enjoying this.

  The bird made an effort and tried again. “You really are blessed, because—”

  “Let me say it for you, peeve,” Nia said. “BLEEP!!”

  “Thank you, crone.”

  “Why don’t you go join her? I’m sure she’d love your company.”

  The bird spread its wings and flew across to Jess, landing on her right shoulder. “You are looking gorgeous today, Nia,” it said in Jess’s voice.

  Even Jess had to join in the laughter.

  “Would you believe,” Nia said, “the peeve actually went to Hell for a while, but got kicked out because it overstayed its welcome?”

  “I am beginning to,” Jess agreed.

  “You see, peeve, her curse nullifies yours,” Nia said. “You can’t insult anyone while you are with Jess.”

  “That’s lovely,” Magnus murmured.

  The bird turned angrily to face him. “What’s it to you, handsome?”

  “Thank you.”

  “Maybe the peeve should stay with Jess,” Myst said brightly. “People would really like them together.”

  The bird started to spread its wings, then folded them again. “Maybe so, beautiful.”

  “And now the introductions have been completed,” Nia said grandly. “Let’s go topside.”

  They didn’t ask why; the woman seemed to have something in mind.

  They mounted the ladder and stood on the upper deck beside Dell. Magnus and Jess gasped.

  The boat was no longer ground-bound. It was floating several hundred feet high in the air. The Good Magician’s Castle was visible immediately below.

  “But we never felt it take off,” Magnus said.

  “You don’t, from inside,” Dell said. “It’s deceptively comfortable.”

  “Where to?” Win called from the stern.

  “That we still have to decide,” Nia said. “What did the Good Magician tell you, Magnus?”

  “We will need the participation of a night mare, a day mare, and one or two future princesses,” Magnus answered promptly. He evidently had a good memory.

  “One of whom may know what your mission is,” Nia said with insight that was not, after all, beyond her years.

  “What say, Tata?” Dell asked the dogfish.

  The creature’s screen flickered. THE MARES.

  “And where will we find these unspecified mares?” he asked. The man was evidently used to working with the dogfish robot.

  The dogfish trotted over to join Win. She nodded. Then her hair blew out before her face as she turned the tiller. The square fire sail, quiescent before, brightened as the wind caught it. The Good Magician’s Castle drifted back behind as they sailed across the landscape. They were on their way.

  “How far?” Dell asked.

  “About two hours,” Win called.

  “Then we have some time to kill,” Nia said. “Let’s go below and get to know each other better.”

  Jess would have liked to stay topside and admire the passing scenery. But she realized that there was bound to be plenty of time for that, as they pursued their mystery mission, and the passengers and crew did need to get better acquainted. They might be working together for some time.

  Then the craft rocked violently. “Blip!” Win swore. “We just ran afoul of an invisible air foil that fought my wind. I have it under control now.”

  “That’s good,” Dell said.

  The boat rocked worse than before. “Curses!” Win swore. “Foiled again!”

  Jess couldn’t help smiling.

  They descended to the interior and took seats in a broad circle in the main chamber. Only Win and Tata remained above, guiding and propelling the boat.

  “Now that we are on the way to perhaps discovering your mission,” Nia said to Magnus, “Perhaps you can clarify for us what it is you do.” It no longer seemed odd to Jess to have a twenty-one-year-old lovely woman running things.

  Jess discovered that she was quite curious about that herself. She knew he put on a show, and she would assist him, but the details had never come forward.

  “By all means,” he agreed. “I put on a show, a kind of structured free-form play that involves the audience and provides the spectators a unique experience. I have been quite successful in my local village, but now want to expand my range.” He smiled. “I crave success; that is my reward.”

  “Most of us do,” Nia agreed. “I craved romantic success, and now am achieving it, thanks to the youthening I encountered.” She glanced at Dell, who smiled tolerantly; he was obviously well satisfied with their relationship. It occurred to Jess that an experienced old woman with the body of a nymph could make any man happy, if she wanted to. “However, your outline lacks detail.”

  Translation: clear as mud, so far.

  “I think a demonstration is in order,” Magnus said. “We have here a sample audience of three adults, four children, and a bird.” For the peeve remained perched on Jess’s shoulder, possibly snoozing.

  “A
n audience of eight,” Nia agreed.

  Magnus stood in the center of the ring of chairs. His suit became a flashy showman’s outfit. “I will tell a story, of a kind, speaking the lines for the volunteer actors in the play. No one needs to memorize anything; just follow my lead. Now who would like to be in the play?”

  “Me!” all four children exclaimed, jumping up.

  “And me,” the peeve said in Jess’s voice. “I’m sure you will impress us all.”

  Magnus smiled again. He had a winning smile, which was probably why he used it so much. Jess found herself wanting to please him, and knew the others were similarly moved. It was part of his talent. “But you, peeve, will be insulting folk right and left the moment you leave Jess’s shoulder and stop getting balked. We can’t have that; we’re trying to make a good impression. So I lay one stricture on you: you will merely perch on a chair and remain silent. I assure you, you will be the center of attention throughout.”

  The bird huffed up as if to make a scathing refusal, but was balked by the curse. “Of course,” it said meekly.

  Dell and Nia laughed. “I like this play already,” Dell said.

  The bird shot him a clean look.

  Magnus eyed the children. “Santo, you will be the lead man, the leader of the band.”

  The boy nodded.

  “Ula, you will be the protagonist. That is, the main character.”

  “Me?” she asked, surprised and startled. “But I’m nothing.”

  “Exactly. The secret truth is that most of us are nothing inside, but some of us pretend we are something. You are in excellent company.”

  Ula shrugged. “I hope I don’t mess it up.”

  “You won’t. I’m sure you’ll make a fine actress.”

  He turned to Myst. “You will be Santo’s little sister, sometimes resenting but always supporting him.”

  “That isn’t even acting!” Myst exclaimed, laughing.

  He turned finally to Squid. “And you will be a beautiful nymph, out to catch a foolish boy and eat him.”

  “Easy,” Squid agreed. “I hope he tastes good.”

  “Peeve, perch on this tree branch,” Magnus said, taking a chair and setting it in the center of the circle. The peeve obediently flew across to perch on the back of the chair. To Jess, it almost looked like the branch of a tree.