Jest Right

by Piers Anthony

  “Now for the story. Ula has always admired birds, and would like to have one as a pet. She feels that would give her life meaning. One day as she is out walking with her sister Myst, she spies the perfect bird. It is sitting on a branch, perfectly still. It is absolutely lovely.”

  Ula looked at the peeve and clapped her hands in delight. She was getting into the role.

  “This is my pet,” Ula exclaims. “I will take it home with me so everyone can admire it.”

  “But it’s not moving,” Myst protests. “I think it’s dead.”

  Myst made a disparaging gesture toward the bird. She, too, was getting into the part.

  And so was Jess. The room now seemed more like a glade in a forest. She saw Dell and Nia similarly intrigued. Magnus’s magic of verisimilitude was taking hold of them all.

  “No, it’s merely asleep,” Ula insisted. Actually Magnus was speaking for her, but now the words seemed to be coming from her mouth.

  “I don’t know,” Myst said doubtfully.

  “I will take it home,” Ula said. She took firm hold of the branch and managed to break it off, as it was a dead stick, anyway. It came away in her hands, with the bird still perched on it.

  They walked home. “See what I found!” Ula said, proudly holding up the branch with the bird. “Isn’t it beautiful?”

  Now it was Santo’s turn. “That’s a stuffed bird!”

  “No no! It’s alive! I just need to win its respect. You’ll see.”

  “You’re crazy! It’s either stuffed or dead, in which case it will stink up the whole house.”

  “No,” Ula said. But her resolve was being tested, and she was near to tears. Nobody believed in her pet bird.

  There was a motion from the other side of the scene. A lovely nymph had just stepped out from behind a tree. “Come to mee, you handsome booy!” she called to Santo. “I will give you such a nice piece of caandy!”

  Intrigued, Santo went to her. But as soon as he got there, the nymph turned into an octopus and flung her tentacles around him. “Now I will bite off your head!” she cried hungrily.

  Santo struggled, but the tentacles bound him tightly and he couldn’t get free.

  Ula saw what was happening. What could she do? All she had on her was a vial of youth elixir she had found on one of her walks in the forest. She had no use for it, of course, already being younger than she liked. All of them were.

  Then she thought of something. She put down the branch with the bird, uncorked the vial, and ran to where the octopus was just opening its mouth wide to bite off Santo’s head. She flung the liquid at the creature. Some of it splashed into its mouth.

  The octopus’s expression went weird. Several of its tentacle quivered. Then it youthened into a spider and slunk away. Santo was free.

  “You saved me!” Santo exclaimed. “When I was cruelly teasing you!”

  “Well, I had to help if I could,” Ula said, returning to pick up the branch with the stiff bird.

  She paused, staring. For the bird was moving. Its head turned to look at her, and its wings fluffed. “It’s coming alive!” Myst said, amazed.

  “You won its respect,” Santo said. “And mine.”

  Then the bird jumped to Ula’s shoulder. It had become her pet.

  “Oh, phooey!” Squid’s voice came from a distance. “Now I’ll never get to bite his head off!”

  The play was done. The adult audience applauded. Jess was impressed. She had gotten so wrapped up in the story that she really cared about Ula’s success.

  She was even more impressed with Magnus’s talent. It was truly a good one.

  But that brought up another matter. “Why do you need an assistant?” she asked. “You’re doing fine on your own.”

  “Because in a village things are more complicated,” he said. “I need to focus on the play, or the effect dissipates. I lose track of details. Someone has to keep it organized. And between acts I need to catch my breath, drink some water, and organize my mind for the next one. That’s where a supplementary act is perfect.”

  “Supplementary? I don’t know how to act, and no one would take me seriously if I did.”

  “Ah, but you’re wrong, Jess. You can be a great actress, when you make your talent work for you instead of against you.”

  “I don’t understand.”

  “Bear with us a moment,” Magnus said to the others. “We’ll have another act coming up soon.”

  They were glad to talk among themselves, adults and children alike, because of the experience they had just had.

  “I really feared I’d get my head bitten off,” Santo said.

  “I really felt like a decent bird,” the peeve said.

  Meanwhile Magnus took Jess aside. “Here is what you do,” he said. “You will become Atrocia, making fun of your curse.”

  “Fun? It’s not fun!”

  “In the show. Pretense. The way you do with me.”

  Oh. With his attention right on her, she almost believed. That talent of his was in full force. He might not be taking her seriously, but she was responding seriously to him. As she had that night at the Good Magician’s Castle.

  “You’ll need a prop.” He went briefly to Nia, who exited and returned with a bag. He gave it to Jess.

  Then Magnus joined the audience, and Jess was on stage with her bag. Could this possibly work? All she could do was try.

  “I am Atrocia. Nobody takes me seriously,” she said truthfully enough. Then she went into her little story that Magnus had made for her, just as he had made the story for the children. “I told my boyfriend that I loved him and wanted to marry him, and he laughed his head off.” She paused, then reached into the bag. “And here it is.” She drew out a manikin head with an open mouth, as if laughing.

  And the audience, adults and children, burst into laughter. She was a success!

  She realized that while Magnus’ talent had set the scene, with the audience ready to respond, her own talent, the curse, had augmented it. She was truly unbelievable, and this joke played right into it. She could after all be an actress. A comedienne.

  “And that’s it,” Magnus said. “The details will differ from village to village, as the people differ, but that’s the essence. We’ll make them laugh and cry.”

  “You certainly will,” Nia agreed. “Now we understand.”

  “Atrocia,” Dell said. “That certainly fits the role.”

  The audience broke up. “I’m going to take a nap,” Magnus said. Jess saw, now that he was unguarded, how tired he was; putting on his act evidently was a strain on him. She wanted to go hold him and comfort him, but knew it would have the opposite effect. Better to let him be.

  “I’m going to play with my siblings,” Myst said. She was clearly thrilled to be back with them. “We’re going to learn the Alphabet. You know: A-corns, B-corns, C-corns, all the way up to Uni-corns.”

  Jess suppressed a smile. That was certainly one way to do it.

  “I will check on progress topside,” Dell said. “We should be getting close.”

  “I’m with you,” the peeve said, flying to perch on the man’s shoulder.

  “That leaves me,” Nia said. “Do you want to talk? I believe I can take you seriously enough now, if I don’t get too close to you.”

  “Actually, yes,” Jess said, surprised.

  Nia nodded. “You had that look about you. Come to the cockpit and we can relax and watch the world go by.”

  “How did you know I wanted to see that?” Jess asked, surprised again.

  “I’m a woman. An old woman. I know the signs.”

  They went to the cockpit, which turned out to be a comfortable chamber surrounded by glassy walls that showed the outdoors around the craft. The Land of Xanth was slowly passing beneath them, its colored fields and forests and mountains and lakes forming a
splendid tapestry.

  “I remain amazed by this magic boat,” Jess confessed. “I’ve never even imagined anything quite like this before.”

  “The three princesses, Melody, Harmony, and Rhythm, made it as teens for their diversion,” Nia said. “You know of them? Each is a Sorceress in her own right, and any two together square it, and the three together cube it. When they outgrew it they turned it over to the Good Magician, who assigned Dell and me to run it, to our surprise.”

  “You seem like ordinary folk,” Jess said. “If I may ask, how did you qualify for such, well, power?”

  “We are ordinary folk, with one oddity: we are compulsively honest and essentially incorruptible. That was what qualified us, though we did not know it at the time. We will never knowingly allow Fibot to be misused.”

  “How does it feel to be old, with a young body?” Jess asked. “I don’t mean to pry, but I’m curious as bleep.”

  Nia laughed. “It’s great. I spent my first life learning through my mistakes, and I made a lot of mistakes. So I knew a lot, too late to do me much good. Until I got youthened. Now I am making sure not to repeat those mistakes. I take the best possible care of Dell, knowing how. It’s not just stork summoning.”

  “Not,” Jess agreed morosely. “If only it were!”

  “Magnus can’t take even that seriously, with you?”

  “Even that,” Jess agreed. “It frustrates us both.”

  “I can imagine.”

  Time to get off that subject. “Do you have a magic talent? Is your physical youth it?”

  “I have a minor talent, that the Good Magician enhanced. Do you see those eyes?”

  Jess became aware of a floating pair of eyes staring at her. She could have sworn they weren’t there before.

  “They weren’t,” Nia said. “That’s my talent: spot on the wall. Actually two spots on the wall, which now I can form into eyes that actually work. That is, I can see through them.” She laughed. “I can spy on anything I wish, near or far. Don’t worry; I won’t be spying on you and Magnus in your bedroom. That would not be ethical.”

  “I wish there was something to see.” Jess considered briefly, then decided to say it. “Except last night, when Rose of Roogna gave me a rose that countered my curse for a few hours. That was phenomenal.”

  “I hadn’t known she had that kind of rose.”

  “It’s a new type, it seems.”

  “At least you had one night to verify his intentions.”

  “One glorious night,” Jess agreed dreamily.

  “I have never encountered magic quite like your curse. It must be horrible.”

  “Often it is,” Jess agreed.

  “Have you any idea what your mission is?”

  “None. I can’t figure what a day mare and night mare could have to do with it, or two princesses.”

  “Two princesses,” Nia repeated. “We do have a visiting princess.”

  “You do? One of the trio who made this boat?”

  “No, she the daughter of one, Princess Rhythm. She got married recently, and her ten-year-old daughter Princess Kadence visits from the future.”

  “How does she do that? As a ghost?”

  “No. Her spirit comes and animates Ula as a host. That is one of the unexpected ways Ula proved to be useful, per her talent. We like her; we would keep her around anyway, but this is convenient.”

  “Animates as a host,” Jess repeated. “She pushes out the person whose body it is?”

  “No, they share. They’re compatible. Ula likes being a princess, at least in a manner, and is glad to let Kadence do what she wants. There’s a subtle change when the princess takes over; you can see it if you pay attention.”

  “I will try to pay attention. But this, too, is remarkable to me. I am having trouble relating to either Ula or the princess. I mean, why either should want to associate with the other. Aren’t they of quite different stations?”

  “They are,” Nia agreed. “But Kadence evidently likes the company of the girls, who accept her as a girl rather than a spook or a princess. I am thinking that Kadence could be one of the princesses you seek. But that still doesn’t tell me your mission.”

  “It’s a mystery,” Jess agreed.

  They lapsed into silence, watching Xanth go by. Jess found it relaxing, partly because of its pleasant novelty, but mostly because of Nia’s company. The woman did know how to put a person at ease.

  Then the peeve flew in. “We’re getting there. Time to go topside.”

  Nia nodded. “Time to go topside,” she agreed. “Our next engagement is upon us. With luck it will clarify your mission.”

  “With luck,” Jess agreed hopefully.

  Chapter 4

  Mares

  Fibot had landed beside a clog tree with a number of ripe clogs. Not far from it stood a sandalwood tree with wooden sandals. That was all.

  “I don’t understand,” Jess said.

  The dogfish’s screen flickered. Tata, being robotic, was relatively unencumbered by human emotions, and was able to take her seriously. “Tata says this is Mare Imbri’s tree,” the peeve said from her shoulder.

  “Who?”

  “Mare Imbrium, the former night mare. She is now a dryad, a nymph of a tree.”

  “How could a night mare become a tree dryad?” Jess asked, confused. “They’re completely different species.”

  Magnus joined them, shedding a few leftover flakes of sleep. “I know of night mares. They bring bad dreams to folk who deserve them. Without that punishment, bad folk would quickly take over Xanth, fearing no punishment. The mares are spirits, as are the nymphs; in special cases one can assume the role of the other.”

  “That is what Imbri did,” the peeve said. “She liked a faun, and this was how she could be with him. She had lost her original body; it’s a long story. Capsule edition: the Horseman, an evil crossbreed, was taking out the kings of Xanth. And she, having become King of Xanth, kicked him in the head and killed him. Then she had to get rid of his magic amulet that gave him too much power, by throwing it into the Void, so that it could never be used again. But in the process she got caught in the Void herself, and lost her body. Fortunately she had obtained a soul, and that survived. She is one of the very few creatures who have survived a fall into the Void, in her fashion. Later she joined a tree, as a nymph spirit, and it provided her with new bodily substance. Now she and the clog tree support each other, and both prosper, and she sees the faun every day, and maybe some nights too . . .” The bird paused for a naughty ellipsis.

  The Void. Jess remembered that the next querents for the Good Magician had the talents of sending things to, or fetching things from, the Void. Too bad they hadn’t been with the night mare. “So what do we want with her now?” Jess asked, her confusion clinging valiantly to her like a foggy cloak. What a history that mare had had! “Don’t we need a night mare who is still practicing the trade?”

  Tata’s screen flickered, and the peeve translated. “Imbri retains some contacts with her old night mare friends. She may be able to find one who will join us. We can’t just go to them directly; the night mares’ home base is on the moon, out of our reach.”

  Oh. Jess felt slightly stupid. That irritated her.

  “Well, let’s talk to the mare turned dryad,” Magnus said briskly.

  “Hey, naughty nymph!” the peeve called loudly to the tree, using Jess’s voice. “Get your curvy little—” It paused, choking on a word. “Oh, bleep! I can’t say it!”

  “Yes you can,” Magnus said. “Just rephrase it as a polite compliment.”

  “Bleep!” the bird swore. But there was no help for it. “Please bring your lovely posterior out to talk with us.”

  A nude nymph appeared in the tree. “You look like the peeve, but you can’t be,” she said.

  “Allow me,” Magnus said
. “This is the peeve, but it is perching on the shoulder of Jess, who is cursed never to be taken seriously. That interferes with the dirty bird’s natural mode and it is unable to insult you at the moment, to its considerable frustration. We are on a mission for the Good Magician, and think that you may be able to help us, if you are kind enough to do so.”

  The nymph looked at him, visibly impressed, as most females were. “You’re not bad at expressing yourself. Who are you?”

  “I am Magnus, Jess’s companion. But she is, I think, the central character of this story. The protagonist.”

  “Oh, one of those! I was one once. So was my friend Forrest Faun. That’s how we met.” She turned to Jess. “What do you want from me?”

  “The Good Magician said we need a night mare and a day mare for our mission. We hope that you can help us find them.”

  “No, seriously, what do you want?”

  “Please take me literally,” Jess said. “Remember my curse.”

  “This is difficult.”

  “Perhaps I should speak for her, for now,” Magnus said. “We need the participation of a night mare and a day mare. Can you help?”

  Imbri sighed. “I am not sure I can. Both the night mares and the day mares are severely distracted now, and don’t have time for incidental tasks.”

  “Distracted?” Jess asked.

  “It’s complicated.”

  “Everything is,” Jess said ruefully. “But we must do what we can.”

  Imbri nodded. “Let’s get to know each other better, so as to see what we can make of this. Have a seat.”

  Three branches of the tree slowly descended, shaping themselves into comfortable seats. Magnus sat in one, Jess in another, hoping the tree would take her seriously. Fortunately it did; it was not a child’s chair. She settled into it, and Imbri sat in another opposite them, crossing her bare legs. Jess cringed inwardly at the view that was giving Magnus, but knew it was unintentional. Tata lay on the ground, and the peeve perched on Jess’s shoulder.

  “Now tell me something,” Imbri told Jess.

  “The Good Magician, or rather his wife Rose, gave me a rose that nullified my curse for a few hours,” Jess said.