Jest Right

by Piers Anthony

“Your crudity is becoming tiresome,” Jess said.

  “All you have to do is let me go, dearie, and I’ll get the bleep out of your sight and hearing.”

  “We may have a problem,” Jess said. “We’ll attract attention if we keep her hands bound, but she’ll get into mischief if we don’t.”

  “I should be able to guide Aria in the right direction,” Dolph said. “As the flea.”

  That was right. It had slipped Jess’s mind. This was workable.

  Dolph untied Noe’s feet. The Hag stretched her legs out as she sat, so that her skirt hiked back, exposing her thighs. “Get a good look, Doofus. See anything you want more of? My panties are almost showing.”

  Dolph put his arms around her upper body. What was he doing? Oh—untying her hands. Then, without separating from her, he disappeared.

  “He’s aboard,” Aria said as she got to her feet. “I never thought I’d want a flea in my hair!”

  “Weird,” Myst said appreciatively.

  “I am picking up his thought,” Aria said. “I know where to go.”

  They started walking. Soon they came to a town. There were people doing this and that, but they ignored the visitors. Jess wondered about that; no curiosity at all?

  “No men,” Myst remarked.

  That, too. Where were the men?

  Beyond, on a hill, was a small castle. That would be the residence of Distaff Ida.

  Then they came to a road block. “Halt strangers,” a stern-faced woman called.

  Uh-oh. It seemed that they had not been entirely ignored.

  Jess was about to speak, but realized that would do no good, because they would not take her seriously.

  “We are just passing through,” Aria said.

  “Not without kingdom bands, you aren’t,” the woman said. “What’s your kingdom? Why are you bandless?”

  Jess saw that all the villagers wore green bands on their left wrists. So did the challenging woman. She hadn’t thought to notice this before. What to do?

  But Aria proved to be up to the challenge. “We are interworld travelers. We wear no Kingdom Bands because we are not local. We mean to go to Princess Ida and move on to the next world.”

  “And who are you?” the woman demanded.

  “I am Princess Aria of Xanth proper, with my associates. I am not accustomed to being challenged on the street like a common serf.”

  Jess was glad that Ida had advised them of the uses of partial truth. What Aria was saying was true.

  “You are not where you came from, girl. Touch me.” She extended her hand.

  Aria strode forward and touched the hand. It was almost as if a spark jumped.

  “Oh, my!” the woman said, backing off. “You’re a Sorceress!” She had evidently felt the power. Jess knew what that was like.

  “I am, of course,” Aria agreed. “Most princesses are. Now please get out of the way and leave us to our business.”

  “Nuh-uh,” the woman said. “No royals move on from here.” She brought out a small mirror. “Thirza? We’ve got a Royal from offworld. What to do?” It was evidently a magic mirror, used for communication.

  Soon they were guided into a well-appointed cell. Thirza showed up. She was a solid woman with graying hair and an air of authority. Jess took an instant dislike to her and saw that attitude reflected in her companions.

  “We have verified your identity. There is a young Princess Aria. You are of course ignorant of our local policy,” Thirza told Aria, completely ignoring the others. “So I will inform you. Women govern this world of Distaff, but we are short of competent rulers. Any Royal is slated to govern, because the people prefer royalty. A princess will have a kingdom. You will govern the local Kingdom of Greena, because we are the ones who found you. We are in dire need of competent government, but there are not enough royals to go around and we are at the low end of the list. So we suffer.” Her mouth quirked. “We take it out on our men, sending them to the mines. That needs to change, and not just because men are useful workers and can be fun in bed.”

  They did seem to need better government, Jess thought. But setting Aria up as a queen was no good; she could not stay with Noe forever, and neither could Dolph. The moment they left, the Hag would take over. She would love to become a despot queen, but it would be disaster for all concerned.

  “Thank you, but no thank you,” Aria said politely. “We are not staying.”

  “You are not going. This is our planet and our law.”

  “I am not entirely what I seem,” Aria said. “For one thing, I am using a host body, not my own. My spirit can depart at any time. You can not hold me against my will.”

  “And what of your servants?” Thirza demanded. “They can not escape the way you can. They will suffer in your absence. We guarantee it.”

  They thought that Jess was a servant woman, and Myst a servant girl, and Aria was not correcting them. She was playing it well. But this whole business made Jess distinctly nervous.

  “You have the temerity to threaten me?” Aria demanded haughtily.

  “No, only your servants.”

  Aria considered momentarily, making a show of it. “We will consider. Begone, woman.”

  Thirza did not argue. She backed off, literally. She had made her case, and trusted a princess to appreciate it. Soon they were alone in the chamber.

  Were they being watched and listened to? Surely so! They had to be careful what they said and did.

  “There is something about her,” Aria said.

  “She’s like me,” Jess said. “Cursed to be disliked.”

  “That’s it! Yet I sense that she is not a bad person beneath that nasty exterior. She seems smart, competent, and even fair minded. A good ruler.”

  Jess realized that this was Dolph’s opinion being relayed. He was surely a shrewd judge of upper echelon character, not unduly swayed by the superficial curse.

  “We could go,” Jess said, not needing to specify how. Dolph could become a fire dragon and blast a hole in the wall.

  “But is that the right thing to do?” Aria asked. “They do seem to need a competent ruler.”

  This was curious. “What are you thinking of?”

  “I could rule in absentia.” This was definitely Dolph. “Using a proficient regent who might not be accepted on her own.” Her mouth quirked. “She wouldn’t have to be popular.”

  Even Myst nodded. They might be able to get out of this while doing a bit of good along the way. It did seem to be the princessly way that Aria was trying to follow.

  “Could we set it up in an hour?” Jess asked, conscious of their deadline to get the Hag to the Pool.

  “Perhaps. We can try.”

  “Then let’s have a serious talk with Thirza,” Jess said.

  “Yes. Let her know.” It had to be phrased as a directive from the princess, that the servant obeyed.

  Jess went to the door. It wasn’t locked, but when she opened it there was a guard outside, an alert amazon. “The princess wishes to talk with Thirza,” Jess said.

  The amazon turned smartly and marched away. Surprisingly soon she returned with Thirza. “You wish to speak with me, princess?”

  “Yes,” Aria said. “Touch my hand.”

  The woman put out her hand, and Aria took it. Jess saw the reaction; the Sorceress was showing her aura, her power of spirit. If Thirza had had any doubt, it was gone.

  Aria released the hand. She had made her point. “As I have said, I am unable to stay on this planet long. But I believe I can solve your problem of competent governing. I will accept the Queenship of Greenia, then appoint a capable regent to rule in my absence.”

  “Princess, you can’t leave.”

  “I can do what I choose to do,” Aria said haughtily. “Do you question this?”

  “No, of course not,” Thirza said qu
ickly. “But I am obliged to point out that you will be regarded as a captive queen, who rules but remains under guard. They will not allow you to depart.”

  “They?” Aria asked. “You do not agree with this policy?”

  “I do not. I do not like coercion, even in a case like this. But I am not the one who sets policy. I obey and enforce what is required of me.”

  “And if I appoint you as regent, you will obey me.”

  Thirza was taken aback. “Princess, nobody likes me!”

  Aria smiled. “Allow me to introduce my companion Jess.”

  “Hello Thirza,” Jess said. “I am similarly cursed. Nobody takes me seriously.”

  The woman considered her, perhaps for the first time. “You are joking, of course. Yet it seems that the princess heeds you.”

  “Take her hand,” Aria said.

  Thirza extended her hand, and Jess took it. Their two similar curses met, clashed, and nullified each other. Both women were surprised.

  “Now I can take you seriously!” Thirza said.

  “And now I can like you,” Jess said. Because she did.

  “There is an affinity. My curse blots out friendships and romance.” Thirza smiled ruefully. “Which leaves me largely objective to deal with problems of government. I suppose that’s an advantage.”

  “My curse does much the same,” Jess said. “I have become a jester, making folk laugh. But a Sorceress can nullify it temporarily.”

  “So you can see I do have a notion of your situation, Thirza,” Aria said. “Will you accept appointment as my regent?”

  “If that is your will, princess, yes, of course.”

  “Set up a formal gathering of the folk of Greenia. I will address them, then appoint you, then depart, leaving the kingdom in your charge.”

  “As you wish, princess.

  “And send me a copy of your national anthem.”

  Jess wondered what that was about. But Aria plainly knew the protocols of royalty.

  Thirza was clearly doubtful about aspects, but did not argue. She and Jess separated hands, but the effect lingered; Jess did not dislike her, and knew that she could now take Jess seriously.

  Thirza was certainly efficient. In a minute the amazon brought a scroll with the music and words for the Greenia anthem, and Aria studied it. In an hour there was a considerable gathering in the town square. Aria mounted the central platform, looking regal; local girls had garbed her to be queenly and done her hair. The body was that of Noe, but she did look the part. She was a girl verging on womanhood, and now she looked like a princess. Jess and Myst, as the loyal personal servants, stood nearby, ready to do the queen’s bidding at any moment.

  “Citizens of Greena,” Thirza announced, “I present to you Princess Aria of Xanth proper, our new queen. Bow your heads.”

  As one, the local women bowed their heads.

  Aria stepped forward. “Raise your eyes.” They did, in unison. “I will now sing the anthem.” And without further adieu Aria broke into song. Jess had never heard it before, but such was the power of the Sorceress’s talent it mesmerized her from the start. She could see that the effect was similar on the citizens; they were in rapt wonder until it finished.

  Then Aria held up her left arm. With her right hand she put the green wrist band on. “I am Queen of Greena,” she said. “My word is the law of this kingdom.”

  No one questioned it.

  “I am unable to remain here at this time,” Aria continued. “I have essential other business elsewhere. I will appoint a regent to govern in my absence.” She turned to face Thirza. “Thirza, I hereby appoint you regent of Greena, to govern until I return.” The woman nodded obediently. Aria faced the audience. “She will guide you in the interim. You do not have to like her, merely obey her as you would me. If you discover problems you can’t abide, stifle them until you can take them up with me.” She paused a good three quarters of a moment. “And now I bid you adieu, my people. You are dismissed.” She turned regally and glided off the stage.

  What a performance! Jess realized that Dolph had to have been helping Aria put on the show, getting the details exactly right. It had certainly been effective.

  Jess and Myst trailed Aria back to the cell. Only when they were alone did the girl relax. “Jess, please organize our escape while I recover,” she said as she sank limply onto a chair.

  She had had Prince Dolph’s support, yes. But she had also been fighting off the Sea Hag. No wonder she was tired! Dolph was probably tired, too; the Hag was such a canine.

  Jess got to it. “Myst, vaporize and check the area for guards. We need to be able to get somewhere close where Dolph can change and fly up and away.”

  Myst fuzzed into vapor and drifted through a wall. Jess had not realized that she could go through walls instead of around them; it had to be very thin stuff. It was also apparent that she could move about freely, when there was no wind to blow her away.

  Then Jess spoke to Dolph, who remained hidden as the flea, because he could not afford to leave Noe where the Hag could take over and cry the alarm. Naturally the Hag wanted to be Queen, rather than be hauled off to the Pool. “Prince Dolph, you may be tired, too, fending off the Hag. But I hope you will be ready to transform on short notice when we find a suitable place. We may have only one chance to escape; if we muff it, they’ll be twice as careful as before.”

  Slowly Noe’s head nodded. He was ready.

  Myst returned, reforming. “There are guards all over, but they’re relaxing and drinking boot rear, maybe even barrels of beer. They think Aria’s leaving is just talk, that maybe she’ll go to a country estate. There’s an open courtyard close by, and the passage there is not being watched right now.”

  “Lead us there,” Jess said. She glanced at Noe’s body. “Follow me.”

  “Oops,” Myst said. “Mairzy says a guard just came out by chance, and is standing in our way.”

  Mairzy? Then Jess remembered: the day mare Myst was hosting. “I forgot about Mairzy! We haven’t heard a peep from her since we left the boat.”

  “She’s been trying to get in touch with Imbri, who is with Win, so as to send news of where we are. But she doesn’t know how to jump to other worlds. She’s been in a green funk.”

  “Well, she can help us,” Jess said. “Tell her to bring a distracting daydream to that guard, so he won’t notice us.”

  Myst smiled. “Great! She heard. She’ll do it.” Then: “She’s there. We can go.”

  “Good enough,” Jess said, hoping that it would work. She realized that the mare was invisible when doing her job, so as not to be seen by others.

  Myst led the way. Jess followed her closely, and Noe’s body followed her. Myst knew exactly where to go to avoid the guards. At one point they could hear the guards celebrating in a nearby room. It was nervous business, but they made it through to the passage where the lone guard stood. Was he distracted?

  Then Jess saw that he was. The daydream was visible over his head. In it he had been transferred from dull cell duty to bright hayberry farm duty, where a golden haired damsel almost as luscious as the berries was working. “I am worried,” her speech balloon said. “I am not sure this crop is good enough for the market. Here, taste one, handsome man, and tell me what you think.” She picked a fresh yellow hayberry and brought it to the guard, who was bemused by her full red blouse and short green skirt.

  “Uh, I don’t know,” his balloon said. “I’m not supposed to eat while on duty.”

  “But this is duty, silly,” the damsel said. “Please, please, won’t you do it for me? I’d be so grateful.”

  “Well—”

  She leaned forward so that her low blouse gave him a deep peek into a truly evocative valley between mountains. “Only one berry. Is it good enough?” She popped it into his mouth.

  He chewed on the berry. “It’s delicious
!” he said as he stared into her cleavage. He was of course on the verge of freaking out.

  She took a deep breath that moved mountains as if they were made of jelly. “Oh, I’m so pleased. Try another, just to be sure.”

  But by that time Jess was past the scene and could not see its conclusion. She was almost disappointed. Would the guard get to explore those mountains before the daydream ended?

  They were at the courtyard. They could not have done it safely without Myst and Mairzy.

  Aria’s mouth quirked. “I didn’t know that soft mountain valleys appealed to fleas.”

  “Depends on the flea,” Jess said. “And the mountains.”

  They laughed. Their escape was perfect so far. “Be ready to grab Noe,” Jess told Myst. Then, to Dolph: “We’re here. Transform.”

  The roc appeared beside them. The Hag opened her mouth to scream. Myst put her hand over that mouth, stifling her. The Hag bit down viciously, but the hand dissolved into vapor that filled the mouth, gagging it another way.

  Jess put her arms around Noe’s body and half hurled the child onto the roc’s back. “Grab on!” she called to Myst. “Take off!” she told Dolph.

  The huge bird spread his wings. There was just room in the courtyard. He lurched into the air.

  The Hag coughed out the vapor and took a breath. But then she stalled: the host was back in contact with Dolph’s body, and Aria was able to resume control.

  They sailed up, up, and away. There was no outcry below; the guards had not realized that the prisoners had escaped. That was better yet! The manner of their departure would be a mystery. Thirza would probably stifle any serious investigation, as she owed her regency to Aria’s absence.

  The roc oriented on the castle. They glided down for a landing. Princess Ida heard the swish of air and came out to investigate. “My word!” she exclaimed as Dolph transformed back to flea form and hopped back onto Noe. She wore a swimsuit and had a piece of coral orbiting her head.

  “Hello, Great Aunt Ida,” Aria said. “I am Princess Aria, in a different host, and these are my friends Jess and Myst. Prince Dolph is also with us, and Mairzy day mare. And the Sea Hag.”

  “You must have a considerable story to tell, dear,” Ida said, taking it in stride. “Come in, all.”