Jest Right

by Piers Anthony

  Dolph glided down to land on a flat roof, while the other roc winged rapidly away. Evidently Dolph had told it where they were going, and it had guided them there.

  Ida came to the roof as they dismounted and Dolph became a man. She was birdlike in outline and manner, with a cloak that resembled folded wings. Her orbiting moon resembled an ant. “Yes, they call me Ant Ida,” she said before anyone asked. “You are of course worlds travelers.”

  They introduced themselves, relayed the greeting of the Ida of the prior world, and caught her up on their mission. She was happy to facilitate it. She also clarified that yes, the small birds were peeves; this was their home world. “They are generally not well regarded elsewhere,” she said. “It seems that other folk don’t really like to be continuously insulted. Can you imagine?”

  Soon they were on their way to the world of Ant. This was of course governed by ants, and featured many species. They did not land, as Ida had warned that the insects could be territorial and might resent any outside intrusion. Jess was glad; she did not want to come up against a determined army of warrior ants. Only when they reached the castle did they touch ground beside it and become a regular human party.

  Not close enough. An enormous ant appeared, blocking their approach. They tried to go around, but the ant intercepted them, clacking his mandibles. He seemed determined that they not reach the castle.

  “I could vaporize and choke him,” Myst said dubiously. Jess could see why: the ant was so big it could probably absorb her and maybe digest her. In any event, ants did not breathe the way humans did.

  “I’ll handle this,” Dolph said. He changed form again, this time to a similar ant. He went forward and touched antennae with the balky native.

  Then the other ant walked away, no longer barring their way.

  “What happened?” Myst asked.

  “That is Adam Ant,” Dolph explained. “The very first ant to colonize this planet. From him and his queen all the rest are descended. He values Princess Ida, so protects her castle, and is very persistent about it. In fact he is adamant.”

  Jess groaned internally. Adamant. Adam Ant. It was a pun.

  Ida’s castle resembled as elaborate ant hill, and she herself looked a bit like a sultry queen ant. Her moon was perfectly formed, but blue.

  They made the usual introductions and explanations, and Ida was as sharp as her other iterations. “The folk of the next world are friendly,” she said. “Yet you probably do not want to socialize overmuch, lest you become depressed. They also tend to talk a blue streak.”

  “We will try to be polite, but move on quickly,” Dolph said.

  They advanced to the Blue Moon. Everything about it was in shades of blue. The seas of course, and the sky, but also the foliage, the ground, and the animals, such as blue birds. The flowers were blue bells. The insects were blue bottles. And of course the people. They looked ordinary, but were all shades of blue. The women had long blue hair under blue bonnets, and the men wore blue jeans and had blue beards. Some at a picnic were sitting on blue grass and eating blue cheese.

  Unfortunately it was a rainy day where they landed, and blue fog covered the area. They could not see where Ida’s castle was, though Dolph knew the general direction. “It’s not far,” he said. “We can walk.”

  But that meant taking a circuitous route, because the most direct paths had blue policemen who would surely ask what the visitors were up to. They had had enough of that sort of thing on the female planet. So they looped around, finding open paths, slowly making their way closer. But it was dusk by the time they got there. By that time they had had their fill of the sad blue music that was universally popular here; everyone was playing and singing the blues.

  At least they were shielded from it once they entered Ida’s castle. This version of her looked normal, albeit garbed in blue, and had a normal colored moon orbiting her head. Except for one detail. Or three.

  “The World of Three Moons!” Noe exclaimed gladly. “My home!”

  But would Fibot be there? Jess kept silent.

  They acquainted Ida with their nature and mission, and she was helpful. Soon they were on their way.

  They arrived in darkness. Jess had never quite figured out where the sunlight came from on these worlds, or how the day and night cycle worked, but it seemed standard. Noon on one world seemed to be noon on the next, and the nights matched. “I suppose you will want to get straight home?” Jess asked cautiously.

  Noe paused. “I do, but I think I need a bit more time to get my mixed emotions settled. I’m not sure yet what to tell my folks. Some of it would freak them out, and I don’t want that. Could we camp in the woods until morning?”

  “That seems sensible,” Jess agreed, relieved. “Is it safe outside at night?”

  The girl’s face fell. “No. there are monsters.”

  “I can take care of that,” Dolph said. “I will transform to a house fly.”

  Jess started to laugh, then stifled it. He just might be serious.

  He was. He became a giant fly in the shape of a house. They were able to open the front door and enter it, and it was well appointed inside. There were a living room, bedrooms, kitchen, and even bathroom. Jess, Noe, and Myst were soon making a nice dinner from materials in the ice box.

  “I confess to be pleasantly surprised,” Aria said. “Uncle Dolph is even more talented than I thought.”

  They ate, relaxed, and retired. They decided to sleep in three beds in one bedroom, because Myst preferred company at night and Jess was a mother figure to her, while Noe remained emotionally shaky, even with Aria’s company.

  Aria sang them all a compelling lullaby, and they slept readily enough.

  In the morning they made their preparations, then exited the house. “We’re out, thank you!” Jess called.

  The house shifted into a giant fly, then to Dolph. “Never tried that before,” he said. “I discovered that having folk running around inside my guts tickles me. Good thing I didn’t laugh.”

  “You were perfect, Uncle,” Aria said.

  “Which way is your house?” Jess asked Noe.

  “That way,” the girl said, pointing. “Um, when I see my folk, how much should I tell them? I don’t want to freak them out.”

  “Tell them as much as you feel comfortable telling them,” Jess said. “They love you and can handle it, as long as they know you’re safe now.”

  Dolph looked around. “This area so so thickly wooded I’m not sure there are many landing areas for a roc. Is there a sufficient clearing near your house, Noe?”

  “No. It’s mostly swamp, and sometimes it fogs up so I’ve gotten lost in it.”

  “There are other creatures who can carry things,” Myst said. “Other birds, even. What about a pro-duck? A big one. I’ve seen small pro-ducks swimming near our house, carrying things.”

  Jess groaned inwardly. Pro-ducks, products. A pun creature.

  “A pro duck,” Dolph said. “A fowl with a positive attitude. That will do.” He changed, and became a huge duck-like bird. He waddled to the nearby swamp inlet and plumped down, spreading out a wing so they could use it as a boarding ramp.

  Soon they were on their way as the duck moved smoothly ahead, his huge webbed feet below propelling them forward. Noe directed the route.

  A big slipper rose up ahead, eyeing them hungrily. “Oops, a water moccasin,” Myst said. “They’re poisonous.”

  Jess glared at it. After a moment the moccasin concluded that it couldn’t take her seriously as prey, and slipped back under the surface.

  They came into sight of Noe’s house. “Mom? Dad!” she cried gladly, running ahead.

  Her mother, Noleta, emerged. “Noe? Are you. . . ? They said the Sea Hag—”

  So much for hiding that aspect.

  “I’m me! I’m free!” Then she was in her mother’s arms, and
both were crying.

  Soon they were all inside, telling the whole story. Jess was gladder than ever that she had talked the girl out of suicide. How could they have come to her parents with that awful news?

  It turned out that Fibot made regular runs to the World of Three Moons, because Princess Jenny’s son had married a local princess. In fact they had fitted in a run while they waited for Jess’s party to rejoin them, and Santo was recovering from that effort. He was considering making a permanent tunnel connecting the palaces so that he wouldn’t have to wear himself out doing it repeatedly. Jess wasn’t sure how that worked, with the worlds spinning in different directions, but of course she did not understand all the nuances of magic. So the boat had passed by, and Nia had visited to tell the parents the bad news. But there was hope, Nia had said, because she herself has escaped the clutch of the Sea Hag, and Noe could, too.

  “Where is Fibot now?” Myst asked.

  “Docked at the palace,” Noleta said. “They mean to check here every day, in the hope that there is news of the three of you.”

  “Four of us,” Noe said. “Counting Aria.”

  “Of course,” Noleta agreed. “That’s why you went with them, to host her. How is that working out?”

  That led to a capsule summary of the disaster of the future.

  “They did mention building a tunnel between worlds,” Noleta said. “It seems complicated, but we are happy to do our part.”

  “Queen Jenny is also cataloging the local worlds,” Dell said. “That’s how we knew that Stench was relatively close to this world, as such things go, so we had a serious hope you would be here soon.”

  “Assuming you were able to deal with the Sea Hag,” Nia added.

  Jess made a mental note to thank Queen Jenny when she had a chance. Her connection to this world had vastly simplified their return to the fire boat.

  Around noon Fibot sailed in. “Halooo!” It was Santo’s voice.

  Noe dashed out, Jess and the others following. Santo spied her immediately. “Noe! Are you. . . ?”

  “Yes! It’s me! I’m free!” Noe exclaimed, then paused as if uncertain of his reaction. Jess remembered how the girl had felt terminally unclean. Jess also remembered a wild story about savage life in Mundania, where in some parts women got raped and were then rejected by their male friends as unclean. It was crazy, but that was Mundania, and Xanth was not entirely free of such attitudes.

  Santo leaped to close the gap between them, sweeping Noe into his embrace. “Oh, Noe! I couldn’t make it without you! I knew that when I had to recover from the last hole. Win and Squid are helping, but it’s no longer the same. You—you’re better, somehow. Don’t ever leave me again. I’ll . . . I’ll even be your boyfriend for real, if that’s what it takes to keep you with me.”

  Well, now. Jess and the others stood back, not interfering. This was something Noe had to handle herself. In the emotion of the reunion Santo was making an offer everyone knew he couldn’t really honor.

  “Pretend boyfriend, as before,” Noe said. “I’ll be your sibling sister for real.”

  And there it was, her more realistic counter-offer.

  “Oh, Noe! Thank you! I love you!” They were both in tears.

  So much for getting rejected for her supposed dirtiness. Noe had played it correctly, and their relationship was complete. Jess saw Myst nodding, as well as Win and Squid, whom Myst had been briefly talking to. Noe was indeed becoming one of them.

  Ula came up, and Kadence manifested. So did Aria. The two princesses embraced, and there were more tears. Squid joined them, and Aria hugged her, too. The separation had been hard on everyone.

  Now Magnus came forward to embrace Jess. “Funny thing,” he murmured in her ear. “Touching you I can’t take you seriously; it’s just show. But away from you I felt much as Santo does about Noe. So I’ll say it as I rehearsed it, because it was serious then and should remain serious now. I need you for the show, Jess, or rather, I need Atrocia. All the demand is for Atrocia. Without her, we really have no show. Now with you back, we can do the show that Princess Froma wants for her wedding celebration.” He took a breath. “But apart from that I rehearsed this, too: there’s a need apart from the show. A personal one. The show needs Atrocia; I need you, Jess.”

  Jess was thrilled to hear it. But there was a problem, the one they had had all along. “I don’t think you can have both, Magnus.”

  “That’s the bleep of it! I know I can have one or the other, but I need both. So even if you find a cure for your curse, it won’t solve my problem.”

  “It won’t,” she agreed with resignation.

  “Now would you like me to kiss you? It’ll be fake, but I can make it look real.”

  “Yes, please. It’s half real: my half.”

  He kissed her, making it look real, and she loved it as always. But of course it wasn’t enough. She could feel the lack of passion in his body. The ardor was all hers. They did it in full view of the others, but the others knew their situation, as they knew Santo and Noe’s situation. They were used to such shows.

  Then Jess remembered something he had said in passing. “Who is Princess Froma?”

  “She’s the one Prince Jerry, Jenny’s twenty-year-old son, will marry. They have normal ears but four fingered hands, the way Jenny does.”

  “But I thought that was because Jenny came from a far planet, the World of Two Moons. No one else in Xanth has four fingers.”

  “The royal ancestry here is originally from the World of Two moons. That’s one reason they like the World of Three Moons. Princess Froma used to wear gloves all the time, to hide her hands. Until she saw Jenny and Jerry. It was pretty much love at first sight. They will marry soon.”

  “Of course you must give them a show,” Jess said. “Atrocia will be there in her style.”

  The other siblings came to congratulate Noe on her recovery, and Jess for her safe return. There was bound to be some time spent catching up on the details.

  Now it was time to return to the boat. Noe bid a tearful temporary farewell to her folks, then took Santo’s hand to board the boat. Jess did the same with Magnus.

  But where were they to go from here, in terms of the mission? They had found the Sea Hag, and lost her, and would have to find her again and somehow deal with her. But how? Jess had no idea, and doubted any of the others did, either.

  But at least she would be able to relax fully, for the first time in days. In Magnus’s arms, with luck. Maybe in their sleep something would happen. It was at least worth hoping for, or dreaming of.

  Chapter 13

  Tunnel

  They spent the night relaxing, Magnus holding Jess close, but like a big doll. She knew that he wished as much as she did that it could be otherwise. It was as if he was holding a doll while longing for her, and of course he couldn’t take the doll seriously. “Some day, some way, I will find a way,” he promised her.

  “Of course you will,” she agreed. But even she couldn’t take that seriously.

  In the morning they held a strategy meeting, all hands and feet on deck. “Reprising what we all know, we have two things to do,” Magnus told the group. “We have to put on a show for the royal wedding, and we have to fashion a tunnel between here and Castle Roogna in Xanth proper. We may have to divide our party, so that the one can attract public attention while the other proceeds unsuspected by outsiders. I think we all agree that the secret must be kept as close as possible.”

  “Indeed,” Dolph agreed. “I wondered why I was allowed to lie fallow, all these years, until this point. Now I realize that it was to keep the secret. How could I give it away if I did not know it myself?”

  “And we two princesses did not know about the tunnel until we came of age to use it,” Kadence said. “Only when Ragna Roc strikes in your future, our present, did we remember it, without the circumstances of it. It d
id save our lives, and guided us to safe harbor, so that now we can visit with you to see about making it.”

  “Without paradox, we think,” Aria agreed. “Because of the closely nestled alternate realities. But we must do this for whatever track it helps, as another track did for us.”

  “First the easier one,” Magnus said, exerting his talent for organization. “Now that we have Atrocia back. The show. I will MC it as usual, and Atrocia will divert the audience while I get my volunteers ready. Aria enhanced it significantly with her humming last time; she certainly belongs in this group. Others can fill in as available. Any problems?” He looked around, finding none. “Second, the critical one, the tunnel. Santo must form it, and Noe must be by his side as he recovers from the effort. What else is required, Santo?”

  “Normally my tunnels are temporary,” Santo said. “But this one has to be permanent, at least for nine years. That means it must be made more firmly, and shored up. You are right that I will need Noe as well as a sister or two to shore me up, because I will not be able to rest until it is done and it will required a sustained effort. In addition we will need Kadence to align the lining, much as she did for the undeleted egg several years ago.”

  “I am ready,” Kadence said. “But there is a problem. When I worked on the egg, I had a supply of undeleted remnants others had gathered from all around, wherever Ragna Roc had been. We pretty well cleaned out the supply of that. This time we’ll have to work with an alternate substance, and it may not be easy to obtain.”

  “What substance?” Magnus asked.

  “Two substances, actually. The first is the poop of the giant stone-borer worm, which coats the tunnels it drills so they don’t collapse behind it. Once that poop sets it’s like mundane plastic, and clings tightly.” She smiled. “So all we need for that is the worm.”

  “Readily solved,” Dolph said. “I will assume the form of the worm, and poop up a storm. However, there will have to be someone to slap it on the wall of the tunnel behind me, because it coagulates in a few minutes and I can’t to it myself. Real worms have helpers. Unfortunately it stinks almost as bad as the atmosphere of Planet Stench.”