Jest Right

by Piers Anthony

  “I can handle that,” Squid said. “Smells don’t bother me much.”

  “Our team is forming,” Santo said. “But you mentioned two substances, Kadence. What is the second?”

  “There are several, used for hardening and weathering agents, all uncommon. Probably what is best is iridium, the metal of the asteroids. With that coating the wall of the tunnel would become permanent regardless of moisture and abrasion. Iridium is very rare in Xanth, because it exists mainly in the science realm. They mine it in Mundania along with platinum and lesser metals like gold. I realize it is not feasible to go to Mundania for it, or even away from the World of Three Moons. There is bound to be some here, if we can find it.”

  Magnus looked at Tata. “Can you find it, dogfish?”

  The robot’s screen flickered. “Yes,” the peeve translated. “But it is thinly spread. It will be a chore to get enough, and it will take time.”

  “We can’t afford much time,” Magnus said. “We need to get this done and depart the planet expeditiously, so there is no suspicion that we did anything but enjoy the scenery.”

  “Then we have a problem,” Kadence said.

  “We have two problems,” Aria said. “Mine is that I can’t sing at shows at the same time as my host Noe shores up Santo.”

  “O, beans!” Magnus swore. “I should have thought of that.”

  Dolph looked at Jess. “You are a fair hand at solving difficult problems, protagonist,” he said, and Noe nodded. “Do you care to tackle these? Kadence can make you intelligible to the rest of us.”

  Jess almost regretted becoming so forceful when dealing with Noe’s threat of suicide. Almost, but not quite. Now others thought that because she was the protagonist she could handle any problem. She didn’t want to disappoint them, but she had no ideas.

  Ula walked across to join her. Kadence put her hand on Jess’s arm. Bleep! Now the others could take her seriously and she had to perform.

  Jess focused, and it came. “For the iridium, ask Tata. Not where it may be hiding in thin layers on old rocks, but where a more convenient form of it might be available. He can point the direction, if there is one.”

  Tata’s screen flickered. “There is,” the peeve said.

  “That should do it,” Kadence agreed. “My problem can be handled.”

  “And what of my problem?” Aria asked. “Do I sing, or does Noe shore up the tunnel wall?”

  “For the problem of one person being in two locations at once,” Jess said, “there is a simple solution. You two princesses surely return to your original bodies regularly, to eat, pee, poop, exercise and check to be sure they remain well hidden.”

  “We do,” Aria agreed. “It is necessary upkeep.”

  “Then next time you do that, when it is time to return here, switch hosts. Let Kadence go to Noe, and Aria go to Ula. Then Kadence and Noe can be with Santo, while Aria and Ula join the show. You can safely do that, can’t you, as long as your hosts know about it and agree?

  The jaws of both girls dropped. So did several others. “Yes,” Kadence said. “We can do that.”

  Dolph smiled. “See? I told you she’s a sensible girl, when she can be taken seriously.”

  “Except I won’t have my friend Squid with me,” Aria said.

  “Oh! I didn’t think of that,” Squid said. “I’m sorry.”

  “This adventure is not yet over,” Jess said. “This is only an episode. Squid will be free when the tunnel is done.”

  “Meanwhile, let’s see about the iridium,” Santo said. “So that we know we have what we need before we start.”

  “Tata, where is it?” Nia asked.

  The dogfish’s screen flickered. “That way,” the peeve said, pointing with a wing.

  “Let’s break for lunch first,” Nia said. “And the princesses can swap in that period, if they wish. That will give us all a chance to get used to it.”

  “Yes,” the princesses said, almost together.

  Then Ula and Noe took over. “They’re gone,” Ula said. “This may be weird. I have come to know Kadence this past year. I don’t know Aria.”

  “She’s a fine singer,” Jess said. “And an assertive princess. And a decent person, I believe.”

  Santo came to talk with Jess. “I know what you did for Noe,” he said. “Aria told me.”

  “I did what I had to do. I couldn’t let her die.”

  “Yes. And you were right. If she had died, a key part of me would have died with her. I don’t know how to thank you enough.”

  Jess smiled. “If you can ever do a similar service for me, I’ll ask you.”

  “I will remember.”

  By the end of the meal, the princesses were back. “I am Kadence,” Noe’s mouth said. It did sound like Kadence.

  “I am Aria,” Ula’s mouth said. And that sounded like Aria.

  “They’re right,” Squid said. “It’s weird.”

  “Weird,” Myst agreed.

  Both princesses laughed. “Say the octopus and the ball of vapor,” Kadence said. “We’re finding it a bit odd ourselves.”

  “But we can handle it,” Aria agreed. “As long as we don’t have to kiss anyone.”

  “What do you mean by that?” Kadence demanded.

  “Your host wants to kiss Santo. Didn’t you know?”

  Noe’s eyes flicked to Santo. She opened her mouth for a sharp retort.

  “We have other business at the moment,” Nia said quickly, in effect calling them to order. They might be teasing each other, but it was skirting the edge of serious mischief.

  “How far is this source?” Jess asked Tata.

  “Not far,” the peeve said. “Other side of the planet.”

  “Um—”

  “I’ll take you,” Dolph said quickly. “I can cover a planetary distance fast enough.”

  “But there’s something odd about that, too,” the peeve said as the robot’s screen flickered. “Tata’s not sure what, but it may complicate things.”

  “One way to find out,” Jess said. “Let’s get moving.” But she did wonder. The dogfish was not given to humor.

  They exited the boat and Dolph changed to roc form.

  Jess, Tata, the peeve, and Ula/Aria boarded the big bird. Tata squawked, startling Jess. The roc spread his wings and took off. “He spoke in roc language,” the peeve explained.

  Evidently so. They flew up into the plaid sky, lower than the orbits of the three moons, and headed what Jess judged to be west.

  “Wow!” Ula said. “This is fun!”

  “Yes it is,” Aria agreed. “We had some nice flights on the other planets.”

  “I wonder,” Ula said. “If I’m with the show, well, I’m not much of a singer the way Noe is. That may mess you up.”

  “I doubt it,” Aria said. “I will do the singing.”

  Jess found this dialogue interesting. The two voices issued from the same mouth, but were distinctly different.

  “But—”

  “I will demonstrate.” Then she sang the Greena national anthem.

  Jess was impressed. Ula might be the host, but it was very much Aria’s voice, evocative as ever.

  There was also something else. Jess found herself thinking of the Sea Hag, for no reason in particular, since they were finally quit of her. She quickly banished the ugly memories.

  “Squawk!” Tata said. The roc started gliding down toward land.

  Soon they landed on an outlying field of what looked to be a small farm. They slid off, and Dolph resumed man form. Then they walked toward the modest little house in the center of the farm.

  Dolph knocked on the door. In a moment it opened, revealing a tall handsome man with silvery hair and beard, though he did not look at all old. “Yes?”

  “I am Dolph, from Xanth proper,” Dolph said, omitting his
office. He indicated Jess, Ula, and the animals. “These are my associates. We are in search of iridium.”

  “That I can provide. I am Ira, and conjuring iridium is my talent. It suffuses me, as you can see by my hair, beard, and eyebrows. But hardly anybody wants it, and it has a negative effect on my personality. Why do you want it?”

  “That is a secret we are reluctant to share,” Dolph said.

  “Conjuring more than a small quantity soon becomes wearing. If you want a thimbleful, you can have it and begone. If you want more, I will need to know more.”

  Dolph looked at Jess. “We will need more. Do we tell him?”

  “Let me try to frame it fairly,” Jess said. She met Ira’s gaze. “My curse is that nobody takes me seriously, though a few have learned to do it in special circumstances. Will you be able to follow an evasive discussion? Are you following me now?”

  “Oh, yes. Perfectly. You fascinate me, you gorgeous creature.” Ira looked around. “Come in, all of you. I believe we have something to discuss.”

  This was curious. Jess had felt a kind of rapport when their gazes met. This was no ordinary man.

  The peeve, perched on Tata’s fish-shaped shoulder, glanced up at Jess. “Caution,” the bird murmured.

  Caution about what? Jess wished she had a chance to learn more privately. Did the complication somehow involve her?

  They were ushered into his home. Soon they were seated on his worn chairs, with Tata and the peeve beside them. The others were letting Jess do the talking, if that turned out to be feasible.

  “We wish to hear your case,” Jess said, cautiously. “Why is conjuring iridium a challenge for you?”

  “I mentioned that conjuring iridium has a negative effect on me,” Ira said. “And that fetching more than a small amount makes it worse. Even tiny amounts become cumulative, so I am careful. As it is, I trade token samples that women want for jewelry, for other things I need, with the effects on my body you can see. But worse is the effect on my personality. It attracts me to the repulsive, not in appearance, like garbage, but in magic, somewhat in the manner one positively charged bit of metal repels another while being attracted to a negatively charged bit. Most women are positive, so I can’t approach them. But in your case—” He paused. “I wish I could kiss you, Jess.”

  What? This was a complication indeed! “I don’t think you understand,” Jess said carefully. “A man can kiss me only as a joke.”

  “Will you allow a demonstration? I promise to take no undue liberties. Let me kiss you.”

  “I will let you try,” Jess said, standing.

  Ira stood and came to her. He took her in his arms. He kissed her. He seemed to mean it. She felt nothing but desire in him, not laughter. Could this be real?

  He drew back his head, still holding her. “That was wonderful. I could love you, if you let me.”

  A complication indeed! She needed to find out. “Take a liberty,” Jess said.

  “Gladly.” His hands slid down her back to her bottom, and squeezed. He nibbled on her ear. His passion increased.

  He really was immune to her curse. He was taking her body seriously. “That’s enough,” she said. As far as she could tell at the moment, this did not directly relate to their mission.

  He let her go and stepped back. “That’s more than enough. I don’t want to get carried away and offend you.”

  Offend her? He had been a perfect gentleman. It was the implication of his reverse magic that she would need to think about, in due course. Right now she had to focus on the mission.

  They sat down again. “You have made your point,” Jess said. “My curse, that effectively repels others, attracts you. Now let me make our point.”

  “You have my complete attention, lovely lady.”

  And he was serious. But what counted this moment was that he could understand her discussion. “We are on a very special mission that involves the welfare of the whole of Xanth proper, and maybe the linked world like this one, too. That secret must not be revealed to outsiders. You might be better off not knowing it. Can we make a deal with you to get a good deal of iridium without clarifying what we want it for?”

  “Two things there,” Ira said. “I do care about the welfare of Xanth and the worlds. But I can’t be sure whether your mission means to help Xanth or harm it. You are strangers to me. So I do need to know more, because I will not betray my worlds. The second thing is that you personally are highly attractive to me, Jess. That may be more magic than social, as I hardly know you, but considering that you are the first woman to have this effect on me, I want very much to continue my association with you. You may be the one woman I could happily marry. It would break my heart to have to turn you down and therefore alienate you, but I would do that rather than risk betraying Xanth.”

  Jess looked at Dolph. “I can’t make a decision based on personal feelings. I think someone else will have to decide.”

  “A vote,” Dolph said. “Do we take Ira into our confidence so we can obtain his help, or do we look elsewhere for the iridium we need?” He paused. “Aria?”

  “It is clear we got the iridium, in my time, and there was no betrayal,” Aria said. “I vote yes, trust him.”

  “Ula?”

  “Yes.”

  “One girl gets two votes? Because she has two names?” Ira asked.

  “Not exactly,” Dolph said. “We will explain if the vote is positive.” He looked at the dogfish. “Tata?”

  The screen flickered. “He says yes,” the peeve said “And so do I.”

  “This is really curious,” Ira said.

  Dolph looked at Jess. “Jess?”

  “I think I should recuse myself.”

  “Fair enough,” Dolph said. “I believe he is an honorable man, and we do need his help, so I also vote yes. So the count is five yes, and one abstention. The vote carries. We will trust Ira to keep our secret.”

  “I am impressed already,” Ira said. “Yet somehow I suspect that this is only the beginning of the remarkable things about you as a group.”

  “True,” Dolph said. “Now a more proper introduction. I am Prince Dolph of Xanth proper. I am a Magician. My talent is to change forms.” He changed to griffin and back again, demonstrating.

  “You are right,” Ira agreed. “I am amazed and doubly impressed. This speaks already to the importance of your mission.”

  “Indeed,” Dolph agreed. “My associate here, Jess, is the protagonist of this story.”

  Ira stared. “You mean this is being recorded for a Xanth History Volume? I am triply impressed.”

  “It’s no special virtue in me,” Jess said, embarrassed. “I’m just the convenient viewpoint character.”

  “It remains a signal honor. They are not carelessly chosen.”

  Jess shrugged. This man was pleasing her, and she did not want to be pleased. It was bound to mess up her judgment.

  “Ula is an ordinary girl whose talent is to be unexpectedly useful,” Dolph continued. “At the moment she is hosting Princess Aria, from the future.”

  “Hello, both,” Ira said. “It becomes wearisome to continue multiplying my impressedness. Consider it done.” He focused on Aria. “I am not a great historian, but there was a notorious incident involving a roc with the power to delete people. He was finally stopped by the intercession of a child Sorceress from the future, I believe.”

  “That was my cousin Kadence,” Aria agreed. “Now Ragna Roc has gotten loose again, and has deleted our mothers, in my time. We have to stop him again, if we can do so without paradox.”

  “And your time is. . . ?”

  “Nine years in your future.”

  “I am beginning to understand. Naturally you want to prevent that disaster.”

  “The bird is the pet peeve,” Dolph said. “Originally a universal nuisance, now a solid citizen. He translate
s for Tata, the computer dogfish with a formidable memory bank. He is the one who led us to you.”

  “Thank you, Tata,” Ira said. His gaze returned to Dolph. “Of course I will help you to the best of my ability. I had not known before how serious your mission is.”

  “We will need you to provide enough iridium to finish lining a tunnel we will make,” Dolph said. “It is the tunnel that will enable Princess Kadence and her cousin Aria to escape deletion and come here to try to change history.”

  “Not so fast,” Jess said, surprising herself. “We came here to make a deal for iridium, and it’s going to be hard on you to provide enough. How can we repay you for your service?”

  “I am ready to help regardless, for the good of Xanth,” Ira said. “Had the mission been less important, then I might have insisted on a deal.”

  “Such as what?”

  “Such as my help for your favor, you enticing creature. But as I said—”

  “I love another man.”

  “Too bad for me,” Ira said. “So I will help without any such deal.”

  “But you should be repaid.”

  “There really isn’t anything else I would want. So forget it.”

  Jess was troubled. “Am I being unreasonable?”

  “You are being princessly,” Aria said. “But since you aren’t a princess, that is not a code you need to honor.”

  “I think I do need to honor it.”

  “Talk with Santo,” Dolph said shrewdly.

  “I will.”

  “We have matters to discuss among ourselves,” Dolph told Ira. “We will return on the morrow. Will you be prepared to come with us?”

  “I have commitments to complete, these next two days,” Ira said. “Then I will be free to join you.”

  “Then it will be merely an update tomorrow,” Dolph said.

  They left the house, and this time let Ira see Dolph transform, and take off with them.

  “Are you crazy, Jess?” Ula asked when they were aloft. “It’s almost as if you’re arguing against Ira’s help.”

  “Let her be,” Aria said. “She has a case. Ethics can be tricky to understand.”