Jest Right

by Piers Anthony

“On this planet?”

  “Yes.”

  “Oh, my,” Ira breathed.

  “You’re really helping us,” Santo said. “Maybe we can help you.”

  “That would be phenomenal.”

  “We try to pay our debts.” Santo glanced at Jess. “Don’t we, Jess.”

  “Oh, my,” Jess echoed. “Yes.”

  Days passed as work on the tunnel progressed. Each time Jess returned, it was farther along, with first the bare substance of Santo’s conjuration, then the mud of the special feces, then the silvery sheen of the iridium coating, properly aligned by Kadence’s sorcery. A major project, to be sure, but progressing nicely. Meanwhile the boat sailed to several other kingdoms after the wedding, doing shows that proved to be very popular. Atrocia was being taken very seriously, in her laughable way, and of course the ladies loved Magnus. One of them actually picked herself up by the scruff of her neck and threw herself at him. He caught her, but set her down gently, not using the pretext to put his hands on evocative parts of her body. She managed to conceal most of her annoyance.

  “I tried to make him laugh,” Jess said in the course of her monologue. “But it seemed his funny-bone was out of order and maybe his nose; he had no scents of humor, at least where I was concerned.” They laughed; what was funny was her telling of it, buttressed by her talent, rather than the situation itself. “I even tried throwing puns at him, to absorb the humor so that he might take me seriously, but they went right over his head. He didn’t catch one of them. He had punfusion.”

  At the next village show the children were in a special program, so her audience was adult. That allowed her to get more graphic. “Then there was the demon hitman. He liked to beat up men and rape women. I was not too keen on meeting him, but he came after me, anyway. He was a brute; my talent pushed him away, but he was so intent on what he wanted that he overpowered it and grabbed hold of me. He ripped off my dress. But when he focused too closely on my body, he lost focus on my repulsion, and my talent began to get back at him around the edges. Suddenly he broke out in assorted annoyances, like itches, hiccups, coughs, sneezes, cold sores, asthma, acne, allergies, freckles, and dark spots, all at the same time. Even so he remained determined, and I feared the worst. His lips were coming down on mine, and his groin was advancing. But then he cried “Edie!” I think that was his girlfriend, or maybe her initials, e.d. The thought of her must have spooked him, because he clouded up and floated away, most chagrined. If I ever meet her, I’ll thank her.”

  The audience laughed, though the women seemed to find it funnier than the men did. Some jokes were like that.

  Then Jess remembered something. “The zombies!”

  “The zombies?” Magnus asked.

  “They maintain and guard the Tunnel, at least at the ends. We need to make a deal with them now.”

  “That’s right. That detail slipped my mind.”

  “Nine years of loyal work, for no recognition. What can we realistically offer them in return?”

  “Recognition.”

  “But the Tunnel has to be secret.”

  “Recognition as legitimate citizens of the planet,” he clarified. “That’s what all zombies crave and seldom get.”

  “But how?”

  “Queen Jenny. We shall have to take her into our confidence, and ask her to intercede with Princess Froma’s mother the queen, and issue an edict. Our two princesses will know how to set that up, I’m sure.”

  “You’re so smart,” she said lovingly.

  “I dare you to repeat that at such time as I can take you seriously.”

  “I will.”

  They talked with Aria, who set it in motion. In due course the edict was issued. The zombies were being repaid.

  When the tunnel was finished and the two ends of it duly hidden from discovery by strangers, the zombies now on guard, the whole crew collapsed into recovery. Except for Tata, who was indefatigable, and Ira, who had a very special interest. They enlisted Win, who guided Fibot to a village in another kingdom. The fireboat anchored invisibly in air while Jess and Ira got off.

  “I can’t introduce you, Ira,” Jess said. “You know why. You will have to do it yourself.”

  “Naturally.”

  “If it works out, we’ll leave you alone with her. We’ll return tomorrow to take you back to your home, if you wish.”

  “That is more than fair.”

  Ira walked up to the house and knocked on the door.

  It opened. There stood a lovely young woman with platinum colored hair. She took one look at Ira and stepped into his embrace. Little hearts flung out and orbited.

  It was done. They had repaid Ira for his labor.

  They flew back to the camp. Things were quiet there. Noe was holding Santo, who was asleep; Kadence was adding to her presence, her Sorceress aura helping them both. Squid was in her natural tentacular state, soaking in the swamp. Aria, still with Ula, was with Squid for emotional support. Friendship worked both ways.

  That night Jess told Magnus all about Ira’s evident success with the other woman. “They do seem to have been made for each other.”

  “It was generous of you to do that for him. It means you have no backup romance.”

  “I love you. I think I will always love you. There was no sense in teasing him.” Which reminded her. “What was that crazy idea he told you?”

  Magnus shook his head. “It’s a way I just might win you. But it’s so crazy I’m ashamed to tell you. You’d probably laugh your head off, or vomit on my shorts.”

  A fun reference to her show, which he had heard so many times. “Atrocia might. I wouldn’t.”

  “And it is you I want, Jess, not Atrocia, in my bed at night. I have so much love corked up that I can’t properly express. If I do it and it works, then I’ll tell you.”

  She sighed to herself. If he wouldn’t tell her, he wouldn’t tell her.

  Next day, the others mostly recovered, they sailed Fibot to go to see Ira. The boat parked invisibly again, and Jess went alone to the house. She knocked.

  The door opened. The silvery haired woman stood there, prettier and more shapely than Jess was. “Ah. You must be Jess. Ira said you would come.”

  “Yes. I—”

  “May I kiss you?”

  What? Jess stood there bemused, wondering whether he had heard correctly. The woman stepped forward, embraced her, and kissed her on the cheek.

  “But—”

  “Come in, Jess. I am Platina. Yes, I can take you seriously. I am like Ira in that respect. I am so grateful you introduced us. That was so generous of you, considering your own interest in him.”

  Oh. “You’re welcome.”

  They entered the house. Ira was sleeping on the couch. “Poor thing,” Platina said. “I know he was worn out conjuring all that iridium for your project, and I hardly let him rest all night. I couldn’t help myself. I just had to meld. You did me the favor of my life, bringing him. I knew the moment I saw him that he was the man of my life. I had just about resigned myself to being an old maid. I’m attracted to repulsive men, except for Ira, and that’s no good.”

  “I understand.”

  “You surely do. He told me about you, about your curse. But not about your project. He said that had to be secret.”

  “Yes.”

  “Here, I will wake him up. He wants to talk with you.”

  “No,” Jess said quickly. “Let him sleep. We can talk instead.” She found herself liking Platina in much the way she liked Ira, and trusting her similarly.

  “Let me give you a ring, as he did,” Platina said, presenting her with a platinum ring. “In case we should wish to get together again, after this.”

  “Thank you. I may indeed wish to use it, once our mission is done.” Now she had three special tokens, including the one from the Night Stallion.
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br />   “He told me of your relationship with Magnum.”

  “Magnus.”

  “Magnus, yes, thanks. Like mine with other men, in a way. Completely frustrating.”

  Maybe it was that this was the second person who was taking her seriously. Maybe it was that Platina was educated and intelligent in much the way Ira was, and easy to talk to. Maybe it was her sympathetic understanding. Before she knew it, Jess found herself telling her about the Tunnel project and the reason for it, after swearing her to secrecy. “So you see, it was vitally important that we have Ira’s help, and he gave it unstintingly, though I could not give him what he wanted of me. We felt we had to do him a return favor. That favor is you.”

  “For which I will be forever grateful. But I wonder. There is something about your mission that bothers me.”

  “We have to save Xanth!”

  “Oh, yes, of course. It’s not the need; I truly appreciate that. It’s the method. What you are doing is fine for the next track of alternate Xanth history. You are saving those folk an enormous amount of misery. But what you really need to do is fix this track. The one the two princesses are on, visiting you. To get their people undeleted and back in charge in their own time. To restore to life their mothers. To send Ragna Roc into permanent exile along with his foul minions. To make their lives bearable again, and future Xanth safe.”

  “Yes, of course,” Jess agreed. “But how?”

  “Well, I have an idea about that. It may seem far fetched, but I believe it is viable.”

  “How?” Jess repeated dubiously.

  Platina told her. Jess was amazed. “That is so far beyond the pale that it just might work. Even I have trouble taking it seriously.”

  “That is my thought. The idea that it is clear no prior track thought of. That’s the one you need.”

  “No prior track,” Jess repeated musingly. “We can’t do the same thing they did; we know that doesn’t work.”

  “Exactly.”

  Then Ira woke. “Hello, girls. Am I interrupting something?”

  “Platina has an idea,” Jess said. “My mind is boggling.”

  “She gets those,” he agreed. “She kept me busy all night.”

  Platina smiled. “That, too.”

  Jess suppressed a surge of envy. If only she could be that way with Magnus! But that was not related to the present issue.

  “Tell him,” Jess told Platina. “We need more minds on this.”

  Platina did. Soon Ira was nodding agreement. “I think they should try it.”

  Then they went to Fibot and introduced her to the others. Platina was as amazed as Ira, and liked the boat as well as he did. “These folk travel in style.”

  They took the new couple to Ira’s house and left them there to work out their own arrangements. Their association with these nice folk was done for now.

  They also bid farewell to Noe’s mother Noleta, who would be guarding the secret tunnel for the next nine years.

  Then they returned to Xanth proper, via a new temporary tunnel, delivering the royal couple to Queen Jenny’s home territory. Santo rested, Noe comforting him. They all rested.

  The tunneling was done. Now all Jess had to do was broach the phenomenal idea Platina had presented her with. Did it really make sense? Would the others accept it? Jess almost feared to present it, but knew she had to.

  Chapter 14

  Strategy

  Something had been nagging at the fringe of Jess’s awareness, and she finally realized what it was. It gave her a shudder of horror, but she could neither deny it, nor tell anyone else. Yet.

  It was that she knew where the Sea Hag was. Not hiding on Planet Coral, or any other world they had traversed. The Hag was here, tagging along with Jess. She had learned to smell the evil Sorceress, not with her nose, but her mind. The Hag had not taken a host, but remained in spirit form, undetectable to all but the most sensitive folk. Jess knew it only because once the Hag had tried to approach her, for a takeover, but been repelled by her curse. She had penetrated just enough to leave her psychic odor.

  Not when she was aboard Fibot, which was shielded against the Hag’s intrusion. But when she was outside it, relaxing, then the awareness had intruded. She had supposed it was just her errant thoughts, but now she had made the connection. The Hag was with her, not as a host, but as someone to track.

  It made sense, when Jess thought about it. Why should the Hag allow herself to be marooned on some distant world, facing the daunting chore of going from host to host, traveling through the chain of worlds to reach Xanth again? Much better to stay close to her enemies—without their knowledge. That way not only would she get a free ride back to Xanth, she would be aware of whatever they planned to stop her and Ragna Roc. She knew about the Tunnel, and in due course would tell Ragna, so that he could destroy it next time around. When it was time to strike, she would take another host—possibly another child in their group.

  Had the group aboard Fibot lost the war already?

  “Not if I can help it!” she exclaimed subliminally. But what could she do about it? She pondered, and an ugly idea came. But she was pretty sure that no pretty idea would ever subdue the Hag.

  She would try to implement it. If she failed, she would try again some other way. The Hag had to stopped, or all else was lost.

  But first she needed to know more about the Hag, because she could not afford to make a mistake. She had to be very sure of her information.

  “Peeve,” she murmured when there was a lull.

  The little bird came to perch on her shoulder. “What’s up, joker?”

  “Something about as serious as anything can be. I need to research with Tata, privately. Without involving the others. Can you arrange that?”

  “What’s it concern?”

  “The Sea Hag.”

  The peeve flew away. Soon it returned with the dogfish.

  “Tata, this has to be secret, for now,” Jess said. “Do you agree?”

  The robot’s screen flickered. “We agree,” the peeve said.

  “The Sea Hag is here,” Jess said grimly. “Not inside the boat, but she is hanging around outside, and follows me when I am out, such as when I was dealing with Ira and Platina. I believe the Hag means to strike again when there is opportunity, and I mean to stop her. But I need to know more about exactly how she takes over a person, and why that person doesn’t simply expel her. I believe you have the information I need in your data banks. Doesn’t hosting normally have to be voluntary on the part of the host? What is different about the Hag?”

  Tata answered, via the peeve, that a normal soul was firmly attached to its original host, leaving it only upon death, or in special cases such as the two mares and two princesses, when the alternate hosts were amenable. That yes, the host had to be willing and welcoming, and that a normal person could kick out any visiting spirit at any time. That was why ghosts did not take over the bodies of living people. But the Hag was different; she was a Sorceress with extraordinary spiritual power, which she used purely selfishly. She could not be expelled unless she wanted to go.

  “When Noe and I were traveling the worlds,” Jess said, “Aria’s visiting spirit was able to repel the Hag somewhat. How did that work?”

  The Hag had locked on to Noe’s soul and could not be removed. But Aria’s spirit was welcomed by the host, as the Hag was not, so they were evenly matched. Had Aria not been a Sorceress herself, the Hag might have overpowered her and locked onto her similarly. It would have fared ill for a less powerful soul.

  “So it is always the soul the Hag clamps onto, not the physical body,” Jess said, making sure she had it straight.

  “Always,” the peeve agreed.

  They explored the nuances, until Jess was satisfied that she had them straight. Yes it was the soul that the Hag clutched, not the body. But since the soul governed the b
ody, it normally made little if any difference. Except, perhaps, in the special case Jess envisioned.

  “One other detail,” Jess concluded. “Ida of Planet Coral said that the Hag could cross to other worlds only when in a host. But then how did she follow us here, unhosted?”

  Soon the peeve had the answer: “She was familiar with your soul, having once considering latching on to it, and with Noe’s soul, having ridden it, and with Aria’s soul, having fought it for days. And with Dolph’s soul, similarly. She probably left a cookie in Noe.”

  “A what?”

  “A Mundane term. A small cache of information she could access at will. So she had a handhold, as it were, that she could follow across the worlds. That’s probably one reason Noe felt so dirty: part of the Hag was still with her.”

  Jess nodded. “That explains much. Thank you. Remember, we need to keep this discussion private for now.”

  The dogfish’s screen flickered. “Tata says you have an impressive mind,” the peeve translated. “That’s a rare compliment, from him.”

  “I’m just doing what I have to, to maybe help save Xanth,” Jess said.

  “That, too.”

  Next, Jess approached Nia. “I need to address the group, seriously. Very seriously.”

  Nia looked at her shrewdly. “You know you can trust me.”

  “Can you take me seriously?”

  “I believe I can, or at least enough. Speak.”

  “The Hag is with us. Or with me. I think she is following me about, when I’m off the boat. I think she knows everything that has happened, off the boat.”

  “I believe you are right,” Nia said. “I have smelled her, when I’m off the boat. I thought it was just ugly memories, from the time she possessed me.”

  “Yes! So did I, though she never possessed me. She was distressingly close as we traveled the worlds.”

  “Poor Noe,” Nia agreed. “She’s still recovering from that horror. And you have a way to deal with the Sorceress?”

  “Maybe. I have been researching with Tata. But it’s ugly.”

  “It is bound to be.”

  “I think she means to take over another one of us, so she can get back aboard the boat. Therein we just might set a trap for her.”