The History in Us

by L. B. Dunbar

  “That’s not what I was going to say.” His eyes narrowed on me.

  Suddenly, AJ cried out, and Levi gave me a dismissive wave. The moment he left the room to retrieve his son, I saw myself out of his apartment but instantly wanted to turn back. Instead, I walked with a heavy heart down the steep stairs and went home to my roommates.

  * * *

  “Well, well, well, if it isn’t the mystery roommate,” Penelope snarked as I entered the apartment earlier than my typical time. Tuck watched me with concern in her eyes as I crossed the living room for my bedroom. I dropped my bag on the floor and flung myself across my bed. I didn’t know how to explain my feelings.

  First, I blamed myself for wanting things from an unobtainable man. I was frustrated by my heart and overwhelmed by the constant desire in my body. I longed for his touch when we were separated. I treasured each stolen kiss before darkness fell and we could explore one another. Most hours we lived a secret—keeping our relationship hidden. But was it really a relationship? I’d never had one before and I didn’t understand. Where was the declaration of devotion? The commitment that said I’m only with you? Even a word that said I think of you often would reassure me I was on his mind as much as he was on mine.

  Instead, our time was physical. Levi was a tactile person, and I loved the exploration of his body. I loved when he touched mine, but I needed more. I needed reassurance I wasn’t filling a void for him. There were too many words unsaid, and as a writer, I needed the words, I decided. This led my thoughts to what he did say. Stupid stories? Levi took for granted what he did have—the support of powerful people like Wayne and Anne. In addition, he was too busy blaming the universe, and Alicia, for what he didn’t always see as a blessing—AJ. He’d told me how he felt God punished him by giving him a child as retribution for the ones lost, but I saw it as redemption. He received AJ as a gift, to understand life was precious and he should enjoy it.

  A soft knock came to my door, and I muttered into my pillow: “Come in.”

  “Sugar, you all right?” I flipped onto my back to find Tuck standing inside the door.

  “I’m not a very good roommate. I guess I haven’t really been around that much and you should have taken my room.”

  “I like the other one. It has charm. Besides, you didn’t know this would happen when I first moved in.” She waved dismissively at me. I shook my head. No, no I certainly did not see Levi Walker coming. “What happened tonight?”

  “We had a fight, I guess. I don’t even know. I just said too much, and he got mad. And then I got mad.” Tuck nodded in response, understanding on her face, but her expression slowly fell.

  “He didn’t hurt you, did he?” Her voice softened and something in her tone made me stare at her. Her eyes avoided mine, but the avoidance spoke volumes.

  “No. No, Levi wouldn’t do that.” He might have fought battles, but he wasn’t a violent man. “Why?” She shook her head, dismissing my question, and I realized how little I knew of my newest roommate.

  She pointed to my desk and a white envelope.

  “Another message came for you. Penelope said they were yours. You have a secret admirer other than Levi?” Inflection rose in her tone, questioning the possibility.

  I stood at my desk and opened the envelope.

  K –

  You’re the key. Unlock me.

  ̴ L

  I stared at the words, knowing the note came too soon from the only-moments-ago fight. Plus, I recognized Levi’s handwriting enough to know this wasn’t his.

  “You okay, Sugar?”

  I sighed as I pressed the note to my chest. Tears welled in my eyes. For some reason, I suddenly missed my family.

  “Yeah, I think I’m going to call my dad.”

  “A girl always needs her daddy,” Tuck agreed as she stepped out the door, pulling it closed behind her. Only moments later, a stern sounding voice filled my ear with greetings.

  “Hey, Dad.”

  “Hey, baby.” The instant I heard the endearment, tears spilled. “You okay?”

  “I’m good. Just busy. Lots to do at school and work.”

  “You know I think you work too hard.” While we didn’t have too much, we had more than many in our small town. My father invented some gizmo that earned him a large sum of cash when I was young. College was a luxury but also mandatory. As my dad never fully finished his advanced degree, he didn’t want that to happen to me. He encouraged me as best he could, but he knew I was struggling.

  “It’s all good. Just lots of projects and group outings.”

  “Outings? Is that code for parties?” He laughed. The infamous Jess Carter had been a popular man in high school, and it carried over when he returned to Elk Rapids. Our family was social, gathering once a week to enjoy each other’s company. We celebrated birthdays and our town’s summer festival, Harbor Days. We were party people, minus me.

  “I wish,” I muttered. My dad knew I didn’t have an active social life. That’s where Penelope came into play for me, but even with her wild side, I didn’t have half her expertise in social ability.

  “Seeing someone?” he hinted. I giggled as I thought, leave it to my dad to be blunt. I swiped at my damp cheek, hesitating a moment as I didn’t know how to answer.

  “Who is he? Do I need a shotgun?” I chuckled half-heartedly again, knowing he was kidding. We might live backwoods but Jess Carter wasn’t a man of violence. “Anyone I know?” he added as if he’d know anyone in Chicago.

  Actually…

  “Nope, no one you know. And just to clarify, we aren’t dating.” I swallowed the lie, accepting the fact that the Levi Walker of today was not the boy my father would remember. I choked on the reality of the second statement. We weren’t anything I could define, but dating wasn’t it.

  “Katie…” My dad was processing and I could almost see his jaw clench through the phone.

  “How’s Mom?” I asked, too cheerfully, too swiftly. I needed to change the subject before this conversation turned to areas I couldn’t explore with my dad.

  “Em’s good. She misses you. We all do. You’re coming home for Thanksgiving, right?” My shoulders fell at the thought. A large, exuberant family was what I needed, but it also brought moments of loneliness for some reason. I thought of Levi and wondered what he’d do for Thanksgiving. He didn’t have any family to return to, and I realized I was the one suddenly ungrateful for what I had.

  “Dad, would you mind if I brought a friend home for the holiday?”

  The silence again told me he was working his jaw in concentration.

  “Friend is code for the man, right?” he asked quietly, trying to contain his concern.

  “Dad…” I dragged out. It was too much to ask. Too much to explain. I didn’t even know where I stood with Levi and bringing him home would make a statement, a statement I was certain Levi didn’t want to make. Not to mention, how could I explain AJ? Here was a single man, with a child of nearly eight months, and only a few months out from his previous relationship. The scenario wouldn’t sit well with my father. When put in perspective, it didn’t sound good to me either.

  “Let me talk to Em. She’s not home yet tonight. Daisy had cheerleading.” My younger sister was very active in high school.

  “Okay. I gotta go, Dad,” I said, but silent tears trickled down my face again, betraying my need to end the call.

  “Okay, baby. Love you.”

  “Love you, too.” The click of the phone cut the connection, and I fell back on my bed, silently letting tears take me to sleep.

  * * *

  I shouldn’t have been upset to go to the scholarship dinner alone. I was used to being alone, but after weeks and weeks with Levi and AJ, my solitude wasn’t as comfortable as it had been before. I ignored Levi’s calls, finally texting him to say I’d just see him at the dinner. I picked up an additional shift at Vintage Vine as I often found inspiration working within the confines of the recycled treasures.

  “What happene
d?” Sidonia asked the moment she saw me.

  “Do I look that bad?” I asked, taken aback.

  “If you mean, you look like someone drove over your puppy, then yes. But I also recognize a breaking heart.” A caramel colored hand came into my line of vision, and Sidonia cupped my chin. Shaking her head, she tsked. “What did he do?”

  “I think it was me.” When I thought I had no more tears, new silent ones fell. “I lost my cool. I just got so angry that he doesn’t see what’s before him. People helping him get a job. His beautiful son. And…” I caught myself.

  “And what, Katie Kat?” Sidonia tenderly squeezed my chin, forcing me to speak.

  “Me,” I blurted. “He has me. Why can’t that be a prize?” I sighed, frustrated with myself for thinking such a thing.

  “Katie, tell me more about this Levi. Why is he so special to you?”

  I shrugged at first. “I guess, I like the way…” I closed my eyes as a hundred caresses filled my mind. “I like the way he touches me. He makes me feel alive. I like who I am when I’m around him. We’re comfortable, or so I thought. Maybe too comfortable. And I love his son. AJ is just amazing.”

  “Having a child in the mix is risky business.” Sidonia frowned.

  “I know!” I exhaled, exasperated. No one knew more than me. I’d heard stories of my father’s hesitancy to accept Emily at first. He didn’t want to risk me, as his child, growing attached to her. But the older I grew, the more I learned he was afraid for himself as well. Was that how Levi felt?

  “What’s really happening here?” Sidonia encouraged, and I hung my head.

  “I think I’ve built him up in my head. First kiss. Second kiss. Suddenly meeting again. I wanted to believe, I so wanted to believe Levi was here for me. And I’m just a stupid fool. A stupid girl, writing stupid stories of fantasy.”

  Sidonia released my face and placed her hands firmly on her hips.

  “Who told you your stories were stupid? And when did you start writing?”

  I blinked up at Sidonia.

  “I’ve always been writing.” I paused. “Well, maybe not always, but I’ve always had the imagination for stories. Fairy tales and fantasy. Knights and heroines. Usually, the female takes the lead, slaying dragons and saving herself.”

  Sidonia smiled slowly.

  “First, that sounds like a much better story. Who needs a man for saving? I’d only want him for cooking expertise.” She winked. “But also, why is this the first I’m hearing of you writing?” She admonished me like a child, and I shrugged again. I didn’t share my dream with many. Emily knew I wanted to write. Penelope knew of my stories. Anne Johnson, Levi. That was the total of who knew my real ambition. I’d lumped Sidonia into that list without realizing she wasn’t.

  “I just thought you knew, somehow,” I added sheepishly.

  “Am I ever going to get to read said stories?”

  “I guess so,” I offered, suddenly wondering why we were off course from Levi and talking about me.

  “No guessing. Gimme, gimme.” She wiggled her elegant long fingers playfully before her and I laughed.

  “When I’m home, I’ll forward one to you.”

  Sidonia eyed me suspiciously. “You won’t purposely forget, right?” I shook my head and crossed my heart.

  “Now, as for the man, making someone into something they are not is dangerous. I know this from experience. You have to let him be him, and you be you. If you are meant to be, it will be.” I closed my eyes. I knew everything she said was true and I internally kicked myself for being a fool. Every fairy tale had the foolish character. How could I forget that? “Making assumptions is equally dangerous. You need to ask him how he feels. Risk telling him about you.”

  “It’s not that easy,” I sighed, like a petulant child, faced with my own fears of honesty.

  “Love never is.” She smiled slowly.

  “Who says I’m in love?” I chuckled, nervously realizing Sidonia was onto me. I was in love with Levi. In many ways, I always had been.

  “Now, you’re living a fantasy,” she scoffed, nodded knowingly and winked at me. “Because you’re lying to yourself.”

  * * *

  I worked the remainder of the evening, and Sidonia gave me the dress, demanding I wear it despite the cancelled date. I couldn’t skip the fundraiser and I couldn’t refuse the offer as I needed formal attire and didn’t own any. The dress still looked gorgeous on the hanger, but I didn’t feel as sexy as I had the first time I tried it on. Apprehension filled me over seeing Levi.

  The scholarship dinner was held at the Chicago History Museum, a place I hadn’t visited despite my years in Chicago. Not as popular a museum as the nationally recognized ones, it was filled with history directly related to the third largest city in the United States. Pre-cocktail access allowed us to wander the museum. Dinner would be served in a heated outdoor tent and dancing was scheduled to follow inside the building in the ballroom. I meandered through the museum taking in the history of the elevated train—lovingly nicknamed the “L”—an exhibit on industry, and another on the history of political unrest. Eventually, I found myself inside a tiny alcove with a small club table, two chairs, and the pulsating beat of jazz music. The space was perfectly discrete, a replica of a speakeasy buried under the city.

  I took photos on my phone of placards to research later the music of history in the city. It would be a great addition to our project. Spinning slowly, I found a man in a tuxedo, perched against the opening to the small exhibit. His body leaned casually along the wall, ankles crossed, hands in his pockets. Our eyes caught and a small smile fought on his lips. He wore his glasses tonight, looking studious and regal in all black.

  “Levi,” I breathed, coughing to cover the dreamy sound coming from my throat. He was an incredibly good looking man. Jeans. Shorts. Tuxedo. He could pull off any appearance.

  “You look beautiful,” he said softly, as he continued to lean against the wall. His hands remained in his pockets and I fought the urge to go to him. It had only been two days, but I missed him. I missed AJ.

  “How is AJ?” I swallowed the lump in my throat feeling cut-off from the child I’d grown too attached to in the last few weeks.

  “He’s fussy, as always.” Levi chuckled and stood straighter, smoothing a hand down the front of his jacket. “He misses you.” The tenderness of his tone forced me to look away. I didn’t want to cry in front of him.

  He cleared his throat. “What are you doing back here?” His chin tipped toward the fuchsia pink walls around me.

  “Research. There’s great information here.” A sultry pulsing sound filled the small area, and I turned to a video screen projecting a classic singer and the typical jazz band behind him.

  “Levi, I’ve been looking everywhere for you.” The shrill voice of our fellow classmate Emma came from somewhere behind Levi. I spun to face him, certain the expression on my face gave away the horror of my heart. He’d brought someone else as his date. Suddenly, Emma rounded Levi’s body and stood facing me.

  “Katie?” Her eyes passed from Levi to me and back. “Professor Erickson is looking for you, Levi. It’s almost time for dinner, and your speech is first.” Her hand came to his elbow and the sight of her touch turned my vision a deeper shade of fuchsia. Taking a deep breath, I waited, wanting them to walk away first, willing them to leave me to myself for a moment. I only had to make it through dinner, and then I could fake a headache, asking Anne to be excused.

  Levi nodded at me and spun along the wall to walk with Emma. I waited for a beat, hidden in the alcove to collect my thoughts. Liquid filled my eyes, and I blinked several times. My fingers trembled as I wiped under my eyes, praying I didn’t smudge the make-up Sidonia had applied. She not only gave me the dress, she helped fix me up. She truly was a fairy godmother. Only I wouldn’t be leaving a shoe behind. My heart already fell to the floor.

  Taking another deep breath, I took a few steps toward the exit and rounded the protective wall to fi
nd Levi pressed against it. I stopped short, inhaling sharply. Holding my shoulders tight, I attempted to pass without a word, but a thick hand reached out for my wrist, stopping my movement.

  “She didn’t come with me.” The words struck me as dirty and inappropriate, but he owed me nothing.

  “You don’t need to explain yourself to me.” We had no agreement. I knew Levi’s history. He didn’t want to love, and that included loving me. He wanted sex, but also not with me.

  “Katie,” he exhaled, but I tugged on the enclosure of my wrist. “I despise lying, so I’m telling the truth.” He paused. “And I’m sorry.” His voice was so soft that I wasn’t sure I heard him properly. He tugged me toward him and I stumbled on my heels. Colliding with his chest, my hands rose to prevent me from pressing fully against him. His hands came to my shoulders, seductively rubbing down to my elbows.

  “I miss you,” he whispered, and I melted. I hated how quickly it happened, but I also sensed Levi didn’t say the words lightly. Then he added, “Do you miss me?” He was a boy again, for just a moment, the one telling me not to look at him like I wanted to kiss him. But it wasn’t about me. It was about him. He wanted to kiss me just as much, and he was suddenly shy. Hesitant. Cautious. I wanted to be brave and hold my head high. I wanted to lie, but I didn’t have it in me.

  “Yes,” I breathed, lowering my head as I instantly pinked at my admission. The small curve to his mouth hinted at his relief. A dimple peeked around the curl of his lips. Damn him for being so adorable.

  “Join me for dinner?” He leaned forward and kissed the side of my lips. Tender and too brief, I was suddenly starving—for him. He released me and bent his elbow in my direction. Letting him lead me, he escorted me to dinner, but the irony was not lost on me. I too easily let Levi lead and I wanted more control over us.