The History in Us

by L. B. Dunbar

  The white tent, heated and highlighted by gas lamps, gave off a festival feel. The surroundings felt mystic and roaring 20s-ish. The atmosphere was addicting as people in tuxedos and formal dresses mingled with glasses of champagne. I felt like a usurper, completely out of my element, but found balance when I focused on the white tent. I tried to remind myself the tent was the same as the beer tent back home during Harbor Days. This tent represented me, dressed up, but still made of small town fabric. I didn’t belong here amongst these donors, other than my status as the recipient of their generosity.

  The moment we entered the tent, Levi was whisked away by Emma who’d been waiting for him. Before he stepped away, he turned back to me and placed another kiss on the corner of my lips.

  “Wait for me.” The statement held so much meaning, but I warned myself not to dig too deep. Emma escorted him to the stage, and I found my assigned seat. The crowd quieted, and then Levi was introduced by Wayne. His accomplishments were hailed, celebrating him as a war hero, surviving an ambush, and surpassing the obstacles of losing a limb. Subtle gasps and collective nods passed as if they understood Levi. They sympathized with him, and yet, knowing what I knew, I realized the people of the audience would never understand him.

  “Thank you for that generous introduction, Professor Erickson.” Levi nodded at his mentor as he stood behind the podium. Observing Levi, I realized, he had the outer confidence to be anything he wanted. He was like an actor, molding to his surroundings, and I wondered what that said about him when he was with me. “As Wayne just mentioned, I’m honored to have served our country for two tours, stationed in Afghanistan, before suffering a life-threatening injury and returning to the United States.” His eyes hovered over the audience.

  “I could speak to you today about the horrors of war. The things I saw. The sounds I heard. But I won’t. My speech is not written to frighten or endear you. I was asked to speak about perseverance, the theme for a current writing contest. Professor Erickson rolled that theme into my current course, forcing me to retell the historical journey of something within this great city. A journey of perseverance. The Great Fire represented here in this museum is evidence this city has heart and determination. I’m thinking I could rename Professor Erickson’s course to Perseverance 414, as it takes strength to put up with Wayne’s lectures, his interjections, and his sidetracks.” Levi smiled over at Wayne and the crowd laughed.

  “But in all seriousness, perseverance does not come easily. It involves the basic element of hard work. It includes confidence to achieve a goal and determination to strive toward that end. I think that relates to all of you present. Being a student has a goal. Education. Graduation. Employment. We strive for a dream: to be a business owner, to cure medical conditions, to write fantasy stories.” My head shot up. “We hold those dreams dear to our heart, working hard to achieve an end result, confident we’ll make it. Sometimes, we doubt ourselves. Sometimes others put us down without intending to. If we don’t keep the goal in mind, we falter. We curse. We hesitate. Perseverance keeps us on track. So does assistance. No man is successful in his own right. We need support in our journeys. We need people who believe in our dream. Support our goal. Boost our confidence. That’s where many of you in this room come in. Your support, financially, or with practicality, through internships and mentorships, help keep us on our path.” He paused, fidgeting with note cards on the podium for a moment.

  “I had the rest of this speech written and memorized, but recently it came to my attention, that sometimes we aren’t grateful for what we have. I’m not grateful for what I have.” My head lowered and my teeth gripped the corner of my lip. “Despite losing a leg, I have many blessings in my life. Like most humans, I swing the pendulum of confidence and doubt. At times, my path seems unclear. I don’t understand why I survived and my men died. When I woke in a hospital room, transported to Germany without even knowing I’d left the desert, I had the will to live. I screamed it through the medical center. I’m told my perseverance helped me survive. And when I grieved my loss of limb and friends, cursing unseen enemies, and a greater power I no longer trusted, I was told that determination, the cousin to perseverance, saved me. I took no step alone. Although many times, I felt lonely. And even in my darkest hours, I held onto something.” Levi tapped his chest for emphasis and his eyes searched the audience, rapt with attention on him. “Something in my heart that told me, while I didn’t understand the plan, there was a path for me. It took some time, but I found the strength, the energy, to get my education, earn a degree, and endure the struggle to find out what’s next for me.” He chuckled lightly to break the tension he’d built. “Perseverance I’m told is what keeps me taking one step in front of another, and those first steps were difficult. I think moving forward takes heart, something deep inside that drives us. It takes examining our past and deciding to live a future.” Levi paused and stared out into the crowd. “There are plenty of other people, everywhere in this room, equally equivalent to the drive in me. They have the heart to be something. They want a future as I do. They have dreams as I do. And on that note, I want to thank you, the donors, the intern mentors, the professors, for helping us as students, achieve. Thank you.”

  Levi turned to Wayne and shook his hand. The crowd stood to applaud and honor his service to our country. I suddenly didn’t have to fake a headache. Guilt ate at me that I’d made him feel bad for lacking gratitude, when he’d already suffered and surpassed so many obstacles. It was a reminder again, that my life had been simple and easy compared to his. I excused myself as my table mates returned to their seats and exited the tent, finding refuge inside the building in the dimly lit ballroom. The band equipment filled one end of the great hall, resting in anticipation of the later evening. At the other end, a stain-glassed window, back-lit from behind, centered the wall. Something drew me to the colorful display, and I stood in a spot where people of great wealth professed love and marriage to another person of equal stature. The hall could be rented for weddings, but I suddenly had a sickening sense that I’d never marry. I’d never find the man of my dreams—my hero—who didn’t necessarily rescue me, but save me by loving me, like Emily did with my father. It was such a silly dream, and I wanted to punch the happy, artistic display within the etched glass before me.

  A light tapping of hard-soled shoes drew closer to me, but I refused to turn around. Whomever it was would just walk past me. I’d blend into the background like I tried to as a child.

  “You heard my speech, right?”

  I spun to face Levi, his hands in his pants’ pockets, his head lowered.

  “I…I did. You’re a natural born speaker. They loved what you said. I loved what you said.” Stepping forward, I reached for him but lowered my hands. I hadn’t realized they were shaking. “I didn’t mean what I said the other night. You’ve suffered plenty in life, Levi, and I’m sure you’re grateful for what you have. It was selfish of me to think otherwise. You’re an intelligent man. I know you’ve earned the success you have at great sacrifice.”

  “Don’t.” His head snapped upward. “Don’t apologize. And don’t sound like you feel sorry for me.” His hands pulled from his pockets, and one covered his hair, resting on the back of his neck.

  “I don’t feel sorry for you,” I said to the floor. “I’m jealous.”

  Levi stared at me. “Why?” His voice snarled, and his brows pinched enough to create a crease.

  “You have opportunity, leading you in a direction after you finish school. And you have AJ.”

  “I…” He stepped forward and his hands covered my upper arms. “Katie.” My name was a plea and a question rolled into one as his forehead came forward to rest against mine.

  “I’m sorry,” I said and his lips came to my hair. Holding them briefly against my pounding head, he pulled back and said, “Don’t be.” Our eyes met and held for a moment, and I so wanted to believe he felt the same toward me as I felt for him.

  “Why are you in her
e?” he asked, looking around our empty surroundings.

  “My head is pounding. I’m not good at these things. I don’t make small talk well, and I thought I’d leave soon.”

  “You can’t leave until you dance with me,” he teased.

  “Levi, you don’t have to do this. I’m not staying through dinner, another speech, and dessert. This isn’t me. Small town girl, remember? This isn’t my thing.”

  “Katie, dance with me.” I stared at him, looking over his shoulder at the vacant band equipment.

  “Now?”

  “Now,” he said, stepping into me and slipping a hand around my lower back. His other hand cupped mine, and then he moved us in time to a song in his head. He pressed me closer to him as he slowly spun us, his rhythm choppy but seductive as he held me against him.

  “This dress, Katie. You look…incredible.” The word washed over me, renewing the taste of seduction I had the first time I wore it. His hand slid lower on the slippery fabric, temptingly close to the curve of my behind. His mouth came to my neck, and the combination of the coarse hairs on his cheeks and the vibration of his humming tickled my exposed skin.

  “Is that ‘Let It Be Me’?” I whispered, surprised that he gently sung one of my favorite songs. He kissed me briefly, a smile on his lips against my skin, and then we twirled. “I love Ray LeMontagne.” Levi only continued to smile, mumbling words into my neck, asking me to let it be him. How did he not know, it was already him? It had always been him, and I’d been waiting a long time.

  Levi

  Holding her in my arms again brought instant relief. A sense of calm I hadn’t experienced in the days we were separated slipped slowly over me, caressing me like this dress hugged her body. A panic attack seized me the moment she walked out of my door. I wanted her to turn back. I wanted to go after her, but AJ cried, and it suddenly felt reminiscent of when Alicia left. But the pain in my heart was a hundred-fold worse. I wanted to call her the moment after the panic ceased, but I didn’t think she’d want to hear from me. Her cold attention the following day in class proved I was correct.

  I’d sought her out tonight, frantically searching the crowd after each turn I took in the museum, hoping to find her among the attendees. My heart stilled when I found her hidden away in the corner, looking stunning and radiant in a dress made for her body. Pressing her against me, my hands wandered the silky material, forming their own search, and discovering nothing remained under that dress. Only the thin dress separated naked Katie from me and my body stiffened with the thought. But it was more than that—we balanced on a string, and I knew I had to be the one to pull us forward. The foreplay we had going on for weeks drove me insane with desire, but the lack of sex was good for me. I didn’t want Katie to be a one-night stand any more than she wanted to be that for me. There would be no holding back.

  “Should we get out of here?” I whispered into her exposed neck. Her hair was pulled up and fine strands curled loose around her creamy skin. My palm absorbed the warmth of her as it wrapped around her nape.

  “You probably shouldn’t leave, being the guest of honor and all.” My mouth ignored her and nipped at that juncture of neck and shoulder, on that vein that pulsed life through her, and tempted me to live.

  “Join me for dinner.” I blew over her neck, soothing the bite.

  “You’re at the table of honor. I’m in the back, Levi.”

  “You like to play by rules, don’t you, Katie?” I sensed that about her. Good girl, who did the right thing, worried about consequences. Her shoulder shrugged, teasing my mouth for another succulent taste.

  “Let’s break the rules tonight.” I retreated to look in her eyes. “It’s just you and me.” We were hardly alone, almost always with AJ. I loved my son, but he was the third wheel sometimes, and I selfishly wanted this beautiful woman to myself for a while. She bit the corner of her mouth and nodded slowly.

  “Yeah?” I reached for her hand, slipping her fingers through mine.

  “Yes.”

  * * *

  I don’t know what we were running from as if we had escaped a prison, but Katie laughed heartily as we jogged to the corner and hailed a cab.

  “The Green Mill,” I ordered once inside the stale, yellow vehicle. It wasn’t as plush as an Uber, but he was already waiting on the streets.

  “What’s the Green Mill?” Katie asked, pressing into my arm. She’d slipped her jacket over her dress and I missed the exposure of her skin. My hand rested on her thigh, and slowly I inched up the material.

  “Levi,” she hissed. I slipped my arm from her grasp and draped it over her shoulder, switching hands to continue my travels. “Levi, the cab driver will see,” she whispered. I dipped my head, positioning my mouth on her ear.

  “He isn’t watching. No rules, remember.” I let the dress cover as much of my arm as it could, but my fingers were on a mission. I needed confirmation of what I already thought. The tips of my fingers hit heat and slick skin. “Fuck, Katie,” I groaned into her neck. Her thighs clamped together, but the twist of my wrist forced them apart enough to slip a finger inside her. Her head tipped back and her teeth tugged that lip. My mouth covered hers, feeling strangely comforted, like a welcome home party. She pulled back from me, but her mouth still rested close to mine.

  “Levi,” she sighed. “I’ll make a mess.” Instantly, I withdrew my fingers. I didn’t mind messing her up, but I wanted more time in public before I stripped her of this dress in private. I’d never heard Katie utter a swear word in the time I’d been with her, but she cursed the second my fingers released her. Her eyes closed and her breathing shallowed.

  “Say you’ll go home with me later. I promise to make this up to you.” She nodded lazily. I understood the torture. Part of me wanted inside her now, and it wasn’t just my fingers.

  The cab slowed to a stop, and I helped Katie exit the vehicle. We stood before the famous Chicago jazz club, and the music wailed out to the street.

  “What’s this?” she asked, a smile on her lips.

  “Research,” I said and pulled her forward. We entered the club famous for an endless list of jazz bands. From the notorious Al Capone and friends, this club held history like no other. The place was packed for a Saturday night, but the enthusiasm of the crowd added to the atmosphere.

  “Drink,” I offered over the soulful sounds of heavy horns and the sultry, raspy tone of a female voice. I grabbed Katie’s hand and dragged her toward the bar. I ordered us each a shot, hoping Katie would continue to break the rules with me. She raised her glass, clinked against mine and sucked back the sharp liquor. Her mouth puckered, and she waved a hand in front of her lips.

  “Holy…” My mouth crushed hers hoping to distract her from the burn. My tongue swept over hers, savoring the combination of whiskey and Katie. Taking a moment longer to drink her in, I pulled back and tossed back my own shot.

  “Dance,” I hollered, dragging her closer to the bandstand. We wouldn’t be able to dance like we did in the empty ballroom, but I only needed her to be close to me. We stood with her back braced to my chest. My hands caressed the curves of her hips and the flat of her stomach. I pressed her against me and her arms reached upward and around my neck. My mouth lowered to her moist skin, damp from the heat of too many close bodies. I sucked on the salty treat while she swayed, seductively rippling against my body, like the incredible dress covering hers. Blood pulsed through my veins, lazy and alive, but the bass rhythm was concentrated in one place. We only made it through three songs before I couldn’t take the tension any longer. I spun her to face me, my mouth finding hers again. She leaned into me, wrapping her arms around my neck and returning the kiss.

  “Let’s get out of here.” Keeping my arm around her waist, I tugged her out into the street. The space before the club was too crowded to find a cab, so I led her down the block. She pulled me into an alley, just enough to disguise us and her mouth returned to mine. Our mouths collided over and over.

  “Katie.” She har
dly came up for air. My hands fisted in that sexy material covering her skin, skin I wanted access to. “Katie, I can’t take you against the wall.”

  “Why not?” she moaned, a guttural sound from the back of her throat. She sounded desperate, hurried, like if she didn’t get to me now, she’d never have me.

  “Not for our first time,” I muttered against her eager mouth, although I’d take her against a wall, over a table, on the floor anytime, but the first time, I wanted it to be right.

  “What if this is our only time?” she muttered, kissing over my scruffy cheek, and along the hard cut of my jaw. Pushing her back, intense blue eyes sparkled in the dim streetlight.

  “Don’t say that.” I crushed her mouth with mine once again, angered at the thought. If I had her once, I’d want her again and again. I knew it from every previous time she responded to my touch, from every time her mouth moaned my name, from every moment she was in rhythm with lips.

  I moved us from the darkened alley and hailed the first cab I saw. Throwing out my address, my fingers wandered again under her silky dress, teasing her thigh, drawing close to my destination but not crossing the path. I was hyperaware of how she held in the need to wiggle and reach for the friction my fingers promised.

  In the stairwell, I crushed her to me again and kissed her until we were breathless. I’d already started the process of removing her coat, and she had done the same to my jacket. I wanted to spread her on the stairs, but my apartment was only a few feet away. Recovering only briefly, we entered my apartment like a married couple. We’d gathered our wits enough that I chatted briefly with the babysitter while Katie went to check on AJ. She returned as I paid the babysitter. I barely had the door closed on the sitter before I had Katie pinned against it. Instantly, my hands came to her cheeks, my mouth devouring hers, starved from not eating dinner, and yet what I hungered for was so much more than food could provide. I pulled back to walk her to my bedroom.