The History in Us

by L. B. Dunbar

  “You did, and might I add, I’m shocked you didn’t mention you knew of this project or this dinner,” I added, admonishing her teasingly.

  “It’s just like I never knew you wanted to be a writer.” She paused as we reached the line of waiting guests for the bar. Turning to me, she spoke as her brow pinched.

  “You’re very talented, Katie. Quite the imagination for fantasy. Why didn’t you tell me before?” Shrugging a shoulder, I didn’t have an answer.

  “I guess it isn’t something you bring up between pass the box-cutter and ringing up customers,” I joked.

  “I wish I’d known earlier.” Her voice softened as we took another step toward the bar. After ordering a glass of wine for each of us, we turned back to the glowing ballroom. Instantly, my eyes landed on a handsome man in a tuxedo.

  “Levi,” I sighed, as he stood less than a foot away from me. He leaned in politely, circling my elbow and stepping forward to brush my cheek with his lips.

  “You look beautiful,” he whispered as he lingered a moment. He stepped back just as swiftly and my tongue froze. We stared at one another.

  “Hello. I’m Sidonia Thomas,” my boss interjected, extending her hand to Levi.

  “Levi Walker,” he offered, shaking hers.

  “I’ve heard so much about you.” Sidonia smiled.

  “All good I hope,” he teased. Sidonia narrowed her eyes and winked.

  “Yet to be proven. If you’ll excuse me. Katie, come sit with me for dinner.” Sidonia sauntered away before I could reply, leaving Levi and me awkwardly alone. After a moment of silence, I spoke.

  “How’s AJ?”

  “He misses you.” Levi’s eyes softened, but the clenched jaw and too-much-white-teeth smile contradicted his words. “I do, too.”

  “I don’t think you’re allowed to,” I muttered, looking down at my feet. Seeing him was worse than I’d thought. My heart raced, but a cold sweat covered me. I couldn’t be near him without missing him triple-fold and I scolded myself for wanting a taken man.

  “Can I speak with you a moment?” He tipped his head to an alcove near a set of French doors. While my head screamed don’t follow, my heart said just listen. I’d always been good at listening. I nodded and followed his lead.

  “I want to explain…” My hand rose defensively.

  “You don’t owe me—”

  “Yes, I do.” He reached forward and linked his fingers with mine, stepping too close to me. The scent of him, clean and manly overwhelmed me. Being alone with him was a mistake.

  “Did you bring Alicia?” I snapped. My intention was to hurt him because my heart ached. I angled my head to scan the ballroom for a woman I didn’t wish to see.

  “There is no Alicia.” My head spun back to him. “I made a mistake. We were never getting back together, but I thought I should try once more to see if she wanted to be a mother. If I took the job, I felt I owed her the opportunity to be with her son. I was wrong. Very wrong.”

  My heart pinched when I thought of AJ. Too young to recognize the rejection, but he’d grow into a son who would learn he wasn’t wanted by his own mother. I would always know the feeling.

  “I’m so sorry. What will you do?” I don’t know why I asked. His answer didn’t belong to me, and the hair on the back of my neck rose with hope and hostility. I wanted him to ask me to be with him, take care of AJ, but I didn’t want to be his second choice.

  “I didn’t take the job.” My shoulders fell. I had to admit I was sorry to see his dream disappear. I knew that feeling, too.

  “I’m so sorry. I guess this award ceremony becomes all the more important to you now.” He still had the possibility of a publishing contract. Who knew? He could change it into a photojournalist book of his own, if he wished. He was in the editorial category.

  “That’s not why I’m here.” He scratched under his chin as his eyes narrowed on me. “I declined the candidacy.”

  “But…”

  “I don’t want to be a writer, Katie.” It was my turn for eyes to narrow, taking his meaning as an insult. That being a writer was unworthy as a career. My chest rose and fell, the irritation growing.

  “Why are you here then?” I snapped, setting down my glass of wine on a nearby table, no longer thirsty.

  “I came to support you.”

  Levi

  Katie stared at me dumbfounded. Her sweet rosy lips hanging open. I’d stunned her into silence, but silence was all I’d heard the past week, so I wanted her to speak. Say something—anything—to me.

  “I…I don’t know what to say.”

  “Say you’ll sit with me for dinner or let me sit with you, as a start? I don’t care. I just want to be near you.” I stepped closer to her, inhaling the wintery fragrance perpetually on her skin. A scent that tortured me each night while I slept on my side of the bed, holding her pillow in comfort of her loss.

  The call to dinner came and Katie nodded, allowing me to follow her to her boss’s table. Sidonia Thomas was a striking woman, a touch older than me. Her exotic appearance would entice any man, but I only had eyes for the girl next to me. I longed to reach for her hand under the table, or touch her thigh. Any connection, just to feel complete again, would satisfy me. The last week had been hell.

  I pulled out her chair and I took the seat to her right. Sidonia sat on the other side of Katie.

  “I’m glad to see you don’t have your crutches. Are you feeling all right?” Katie asked.

  I straightened my leg instinctively, relieved to find a new fit.

  “I’m better, thank you.”

  “Everything happened so quickly,” Katie hinted, and I could see her hesitation to make small talk about my leg.

  “Good insurance and Grant Mullens can make things happen,” I smirked.

  Sidonia coughed from the other side of Katie.

  “Are you familiar with the Mullens family?” she asked, her green eyes opened wide.

  “Grant Mullens is one of my few friends in the city. I had…an accident…last week and he came to my aide.” Curiously, I stared at Sidonia Thomas wondering how she knew my affluent friend, sensing she had her own familiarity with the Mullens family.

  Katie stared at me, ready for an explanation. I’d decided the moment she walked out my door, I would no longer hold things back.

  “Grant showed up later on Saturday. I don’t know how he knew, but he said he’d heard about the accident. Came to see what I needed and found me daycare to help while I went on doctor visits.”

  “Another babysitter,” Katie muttered and my hand reached for her thigh. Instant mistake, only because of the material of her dress. I recognized her in it immediately, my eyes drawn to her the second she entered the room. My hands already knew the texture of this dress and the skin hidden under it. I took a deep breath to calm myself.

  “Yes, some older woman who scared me, but knew how to handle a baby and a grown man acting like one.”

  Sidonia laughed from the other side of Katie and Katie’s hand hesitantly covered mine under the table. Linking our fingers together, I looked down at our clasped hands before drawing up her body.

  “You look beautiful. I told you that already, right?” My lips curved, my body alive. The simple touch of her welcome hand was a step in the right direction.

  “Hmmmm…you’re doing good, man,” Sidonia pointed at me over her plate. “You’re doing good.” She clapped her hands and reached for her wine. Katie giggled, and I relaxed at the sound.

  Dinner was served. Music played. The award ceremony began. Katie’s fingers tightened on mine as her category drew near.

  “And in the category of Fantasy Fiction, the winning finalist is—Vanessa Dawson for The Race.” Applause sounded around us and Katie released my hand to clap. Sidonia placed a hand on Katie’s other thigh, speaking to her, which I couldn’t hear over the vibration of hands.

  “I’m sorry,” I whispered as the noise died down and the categories continued. She waved me off with a hand und
er her chin, but I sensed she was crushed. I wanted to do everything to take away her pain. I had a hundred words but none of them would be the right thing said. Instead, I decided I needed to envelop her in my arms, holding her against me.

  When the ceremony finished, music returned. Katie’s sense of flight vibrated off her skin. She was ready to flee, and I was losing my grip. I needed more time with her.

  “Dance with me,” I asked as I leaned into her shoulder.

  “I don’t feel like dancing,” she mumbled, smiling weakly at me. “I’m heading home in a moment.”

  “Just dance with him. One dance,” Sidonia harshly whispered, loud enough for the entire table to hear. She winked at me, and Sidonia was suddenly my new best friend. “Thank you,” I mouthed as Katie stood, and I followed.

  I pulled Katie into my arms and instantly knew it wasn’t close enough. It had been nearly two weeks since I’d made love to her. Over ten days since that searing kiss in the extra bedroom of her aunt’s home. I wanted to get closer to her, assure her there would be other contests, other opportunities.

  “It’s going to be okay, Katie. Take it as a sign. It wasn’t meant to be this one.” I smiled, dipping my chin to make her look at me.

  “I think that’s easy for you to say. You never want what’s in front of you.” She tugged back, but I tightened my hold, gripping her hand firmer, wrapping around her waist tighter.

  “What do you mean?”

  “The job. The finalist. Me.”

  “I wanted that job,” I retorted. “But it turned out it just wasn’t for me. It wasn’t the one. I have other plans. As for the competition, I already told you, I don’t want to write. And as for you, you’re all I want, Katie. I don’t know how you don’t see that. You are the one.”

  She blinked at me, confusion closing her pinched forehead.

  “You called Alicia. She knew about the job before me. You wanted her to take care of AJ. All understandable, but still…” Her voice quivered.

  “Still what?”

  “It hurt,” she snapped, ducking her head as she thought she spoke too loudly.

  “Why?” I squeezed her hand, needing the words, hoping what she felt reflected my feelings. “Why did it hurt, Katie?

  “Because…I…” I couldn’t take the suspense any longer, I needed her mouth on mine. I needed to feel the words against my lips. Fuck the ballroom. My mouth lowered, brushing over hers, too tender, too brief.

  “Tell me, Katie. Let me be your fantasy.”

  Shaking her head, she stepped back from me. I was losing her and my heart raced. My palms sweated. The music closed as if it were pressing down on my chest. I willed the panic not to consume me as I tried to hold tighter to her hand in mine.

  “I can’t be second, Levi.” She smiled weakly. “I’m always in the shadows, but I won’t be here. Not in this matter.”

  “What matter? Tell me.” I jiggled her hand in mine, hoping to force an answer.

  “Not where my feelings are involved, Levi. I’m in touch with my emotions. I know how I feel about things. I deserve the fantasy and I deserve to be someone’s else as well.” She tugged back far enough that I released her before I made a scene.

  “Don’t abandon me, Katie,” I muttered.

  “You abandoned me, Levi. You left me.” She walked away from me again, and all I could do was watch her leave.

  Katie

  My legs wobbled as I hustled off the dance floor, heading directly for the main door. I would explain things later to Sidonia. Standing by the coat check, I noticed her father speaking on the phone. I received my coat and slipped it on as I headed for the elevators. My toe tapped. I wasn’t making my exit fast enough. For the first time ever, I didn’t want Levi to chase me. I wanted to be alone.

  “Leaving so soon,” Mr. Thomas addressed me, and I turned to face the imposing man.

  “I have homework,” I weakly offered. “Final exams next week.” He nodded, pouting his lower lip in understanding.

  “Sidonia tells me you’re a great writer. She read the piece you entered in the contest.”

  I took a deep breath and let my shoulders fall. I couldn’t take any more disappointment in regards to my writing.

  “I can’t say I’m familiar with it, but why don’t you give me your elevator pitch.”

  I stared at him and looked at the elevator.

  “In thirty seconds or less, tell me what your story is about.”

  “Mr. Thomas, with all due respect, I don’t think it’s something that would interest you.” His business attire and disappointment in his daughter’s business hinted that he was a powerful man who wouldn’t have time for the silly fantasies of a dreamer like me. His eyes narrowed at me and he tilted his head like he’d done earlier to his daughter.

  “Humor me,” he said, his voice slightly gruffer.

  “It’s titled Silent Warrior, and it’s about a girl who doesn’t speak. She learns things, like a spy, the quiet observer in the room. She’s discredited by her silence as being dumb, but she’s smart. She uses what she sees to be a vigilante of sorts, protecting the weak and supporting the strong. There’s a romantic element, but the story is hers. She’s the hero.”

  My heart raced as I recalled my tale in less than five sentences when the story was almost one hundred thousand words.

  “Very interesting,” Mr. Thomas said, crossing his arms over his chest. “And this is the story Sidonia read?”

  “Yes, sir.” The elevator dinged, and I realized the timing marked the end of my pitch. The practice was good for me, but the moment disheartened me further. I couldn’t take any more disappointment.

  “It was a pleasure meeting you, Mr. Thomas. I hold your daughter in my highest respect. She’s a good friend.” With that I stepped into the elevator and let the closing doors silence my world.

  * * *

  Penelope and I stared at the television. The brilliant light illuminating the living room as we shared a late-night bowl of popcorn.

  “It’s been a long time,” Penelope said and I knew what she meant. I’d spent so much time with Levi and AJ, I missed my best friend. I chomped on another kernel as I muttered my agreement at her statement. My mind still raced with the evening’s events. Levi’s confession that I was the one haunted me. Had I made a mistake? Did I walk away too easily? Taking a deep breath, I fought the urge to call him. Then I remembered something.

  “Don’t you work for a company named Mullens Manufacturing?”

  Penelope’s head hit the back of our couch. “Don’t ruin a perfectly good evening by mentioning my day job?”

  I twisted to look at her. She turned her face toward the ceiling and closed her eyes.

  “Why?”

  “Grant Mullens is the man I temp for. He’s such an ass. Pretty to look at, but a total ass.”

  Grant Mullens? The name rang a bell. Levi mentioned him, but they couldn’t be the same person.

  “Huh, Levi mentioned a Grant Mullens tonight. Said he helped him after we first came home from Thanksgiving.”

  Penelope snorted. “Doubtful we are talking about the same Grant Mullens then. He doesn’t care about anyone but himself. He’s a total player.”

  I suspiciously eyed my roommate. “And how would you know this fact?”

  Shifting on the cushions with a little jump, she spun to face me. Her fingers pointed at me and she ticked off her reasons with her other hand.

  “One, he’s too good looking in a suit for his own good.” My eyebrows rose in response.

  “Two, he’s selfish, arrogant, and entitled.” One finger tapped another.

  “Eeek. The worst combination.”

  “Three, his eyes are too beautiful.” I stared at her, questioning what this had to do with his personality.

  “Uhm—“

  “Four, he would never do anything nice for someone. He lives to insult. Flirt and insult. Flirt and confuse and insult.”

  “I don’t see—“

  “And lastly, his lips
are too big.” I blinked at my best friend.

  “And you know this how?” I giggled.

  “By looking at him,” she huffed, her arms crossing like a petulant child. I couldn’t help myself, I laughed. A hearty laugh that filled my throat and made my belly ache.

  “Oh Penelope, I’ve missed you.” I sighed.

  “I’ve missed you, too, Katie Kat.” Her head fell over on my shoulder and we resumed staring at the television. Both our minds occupied with confusing men.

  * * *

  I held my breath as I entered VetGym. Levi was the last person I wanted to see, but I volunteered for an extra day before I left for winter break. Sidonia had offered me a week off and I was taking the holiday between the semesters to go home again. While Kentucky and Penelope wanted me to party up my loss, stating the holidays were the perfect time to find no-strings-attached-sex, my heart knew I’d never be into that. I couldn’t even be Levi’s friend-with-benefits. I had always wanted more and bided my time hoping things would change.

  I checked in with Vic.

  “Happy holidays, Santa baby,” he sang to me. I smiled weakly at his attempts to flirt.

  “Why so glume, sugar plum?” he tried again. His old, liquidy eyes softened with concern. “You look like you lost your best friend.”

  I stared over the counter at him as he took the sign-in pen from me. Shrugging a shoulder, I responded.

  “It’s nothing like that,” I said softly.

  “It’s worse, isn’t it?” Vic’s older voice lowered. “Damn it. He broke your heart. Let me at him. I’ll straighten him out. Who was it? I’ll knock him into next Wednesday and twice on Thursday.”

  I giggle-huffed, a strange puffing combination, as Vic lifted his shaky, veined fists and shook them in the air.

  “Was it that new fella? The one always coming around here lately?”

  My heart leapt to my throat and I felt sick. Was Levi here? I couldn’t see him. I twisted from left to right as if I’d find him standing in the front lobby.

  “He isn’t here today,” Vic muttered. “But if he’s the cause of your heartbreak, I’ll break him in two and feed him to my cat.”