by Lucy Clark
‘How do ye know what she wants unless ye ask her, eh? Maybe she’s willing to do all of those things but thinks that you don’t want her so she’ll just move on with her life—without you. We women are strange and complicated creatures, wee one, and sometimes we need to be given a completely different option to consider.’
‘Hmm.’
‘Sounds as though you’re the one considering.’
He could hear the smile in Georgie’s voice. ‘I’d better let you go. Call me when you get to Uluru so I know you’re safe.’
‘Will do. Love to Heather…oh, and to you.’
‘Right back at you, big sister.’ He rang off, his thoughts whirring even faster than before. Just because he’d realised he was in love with Megsy, it didn’t mean they would end up happily ever after. He wasn’t as naive as he’d been when he’d first married Bonnie.
He went and checked on Heather, standing by her bed just listening to her breathe. The two of them had worked hard at making their life as smooth as possible and to add someone else to the mix could be disastrous. Heather must be protected.
He’d noticed her spending some time with Megan during the week, especially as Megan had offered her office for Heather to do her homework in. A few times when he’d been ready to leave, he’d found the two of them talking, sometimes laughing together. It warmed his heart that Heather had bonded so easily with Megsy but at the same time warning bells had started to ring. He didn’t want Heather getting too close to Megan just in case things didn’t work out…because at the moment he wasn’t sure they would. He was a dad who needed to protect his baby girl.
Heather still looked tiny in that huge bed and he couldn’t help the smile that touched his lips as he recalled Megan being so adamant that she wasn’t going to get on to help him test it out. In hindsight, he realised she’d been right. Even back then, the tension between them had been strong. Now, after the rescue at the blow hole and the events that had followed, the tension was almost at breaking point.
In a few months’ time, Megan would no doubt be gone, leaving Kiama for somewhere different. The thought brought many mixed emotions. He wondered what life in the seaside town would be like without her around and all he could see before him was darkness. If she left, she’d take the light with her and then what?
At the same time, he knew if she did leave, it might be better for all concerned. He could protect his heart and Heather, and Megan could go and find whatever it was she was looking for.
Loughlin headed back to the living room and stood at the window again.
What was he supposed to do?
One week after the blow-hole rescue, Megan was standing at her living-room window looking out into the night—only one thought on her mind.
What was she supposed to do?
She hadn’t believed her own emotions when she’d discovered she’d fallen in love with Lochie. It wasn’t in her plan and she was a woman who always stuck to the plan. She liked things to be organised, to be structured and to be within her control.
Loughlin didn’t promote any of those things. He made her feel so out of control, so spontaneous and free. Most of all, she realised it was OK to be that way. She’d liked the few times she’d stepped outside that very comfortable comfort zone she inhabited but each time it seemed to bring more confusion, more questions and even a bit of pain.
She couldn’t be in love with a man she barely knew. Could she? And if she was, what would happen when she found out more about him? Would she fall out of love with him? Would that love only grow deeper?
Everything with Calvin had been so neatly organised and structured and she now knew that had been because Calvin was similar to her. There had been no real dramas in their relationship, not until he’d left her at the altar. Yet with Loughlin there had been one drama after another from the instant they’d met. He made her feel far more vulnerable and scared than she’d ever been before. He was making her question herself, too. Not directly but emotionally. Was cutting herself off from him what she needed to do in order to ensure her heart didn’t get pulverised again? Would it preserve her? Did she want to be preserved?
Closing her eyes for a moment, she shook her head. Her thoughts were only going round in circles at this point and she realised she needed to talk to someone. In the next instant she had the phone to her ear and was listening to it ring.
‘Mum?’
‘Megsy. What a lovely surprise. How are you, darling?’
She quickly went through the niceties with her mother, checking up on her brother and his family to ensure everyone was healthy. They talked about her new car and hospital life, Megan wondering how on earth she could swing the conversation around to the topic of her confusing love life. She need not have worried.
‘Did you know that your Loughlin’s sister and her husband have just been to Jasper’s for dinner? We met them and they’re such lovely people. Georgie’s accent is very strong but the way she talks about that brother of hers, well, you can tell that she thinks the world of him.’
‘Yes. They seem very close.’
‘That’s good. It’s good for family to be close. To be able to tell each other things.’ Iris’s words were highly pointed. ‘Such as whether they’re dating a colleague who just happens to be from Scotland.’
‘What have you heard?’
‘Nothing. Well, not really. From the general direction of the conversation, it appears both Jasper and Georgie are of the understanding that you and Loughlin are a couple.’
Megan closed her eyes and shook her head. She knew it was because Jasper had walked in on them kissing and had therefore jumped to conclusions. He hadn’t broached the subject with her when she’d seen him before they’d left Kiama to return to Sydney and she’d hoped she was off the hook. It appeared not.
‘Megan Iris?’
Her eyes snapped open at her mother’s tone. ‘Yes?’
‘Are you? Are you dating this Scotsman?’
‘No.’
‘Oh. Then why do you presume your intelligent brother would think otherwise?’
Megan sighed. ‘Because he caught us kissing. Oh, Mum. I don’t know what to do. I’m so confused. More confused than I’ve ever been before.’ The words tumbled over each other so quickly she had to gasp for breath. ‘Lochie and I aren’t dating but, Mum, I think I’ve fallen in love with him!’
‘Love?’
‘Yes. I know. Ridiculous, isn’t it? I mean, I hardly know him but he’s incredible and smart and funny and he’s always making me laugh and he’s sweet and sexy and has the most amazing smile and I feel completely at ease when I’m with him. Well, when he’s not tying me up in knots with the way he makes my heart race every time I look into his eyes. And his voice.’ She sighed. ‘Oh, he has the most amazing voice and I love listening to him talk and when I think about him, I don’t get the chest pains and I feel like I just want to lie back and listen to him talk all day long. And he’s funny—’
‘So you’ve said.’
‘Except when he totally frustrates me and sometimes I just want to knock him over the head with a book or something. And then we’re kissing and then I’m mad at him and then I decide I need to mellow out and then I find I’m in love with him and then he’s kissing me and then he’s not sure what he wants and the whole thing is a confusing mess.’
‘Sounds like it.’
‘Mum. I don’t know what to do. What should I do?’
‘Oh, Megsy. I can’t tell you what to do. You’re a grown woman. I do think that leaving Sydney was the right thing for you and Kiama has certainly helped you. You’ve told me before that your chest pains aren’t as bad and it’s great that Loughlin helps you but, darling, you can’t rely on him to just come along and fix your life.’
‘That’s not what I want.’
‘Isn’t it? Are you really in love with him or are you just infatuated by the way he has you reacting? You’re experiencing new emotions, you’re thinking outside your usual box and that’s all g
reat, but is it gratitude you feel for this man?’
Megan started to bristle at her mother’s words. ‘No. No. Well, of course I’m grateful that he stopped and helped me that first day, and having him at the hospital has helped make my working life easier.’
‘Well, there you are, then.’
‘But I feel happy when I’m with him.’
‘And yet he frustrates you?’
‘Yes, but only when he’s being obtuse, and no doubt I frustrate him, too. We’re very similar in a lot of respects and very different as well. He’s been through a bad marriage and we all know my sad little story and it’s as though together we’ve found some common ground, an area where we both understand and appreciate each other’s pain.’
‘A bond has formed.’
‘Yes.’
‘But is it really a bond of love? One that you can build a solid foundation on? Megan, I’m not meaning to be horrible or unsupportive, darling, but I just don’t want to see you hurt again. Calvin was never any good for you and I don’t know if this man is either. His sister certainly seems nice but that’s no reason to jump into a relationship with him…not when you’re in the process of finding out who you are.’
Megan knew her mother made sense but at the same time it was as though she was desperate to convince her that she really was in love with Lochie. That this wasn’t just an infatuation or misplaced gratitude. That the frightening natural attraction that existed between them wasn’t just because they’d both had bad relationships in the past.
‘And doesn’t he have a daughter?’
‘Heather? Yes but that’s a non-issue. She is wonderful.’
‘You’ve spent time with her?’
‘Every day after school she comes to the hospital and she needs a quiet place to do her homework so I said she could use my office.’ Megan smiled as she remembered some of the conversations they’d shared. ‘She’s just so alive and vibrant and open. It’s how Lochie is too and then there are moments when he’s completely guarded and closed off. I want to be with him, to talk to him, to get him to open up to me. I want to help him.’
‘That’s because you’re an amazing person, Megsy.’
She smiled. ‘You only say that because you’re my mum.’
‘And I’ll also say again that you need to guard your heart.’
‘I know. Didn’t I say I was confused?’
‘You did, darling.’
Megan was silent for a moment, her thoughts working almost faster than the speed of light. ‘I guess the real question I need to ask myself isn’t whether or not I’m in love with Loughlin but whether I think I’ll lose myself in him. That’s what happened with Calvin, Mum. I lost myself in his life. I did everything for him. Lived my life just for him, and when he didn’t want me, I felt as though my life meant nothing. I don’t want to do that again. Even if I love Loughlin, I can’t lose myself, my identity again. I just can’t.’ She looked out into the darkness. ‘What am I supposed to do?’
‘So you’ve been offered three different jobs?’
Loughlin overheard Nicole ask Megan as he walked onto the ward. He slowed his pace a little, neither woman having seen him yet.
‘Head of Unit at the Royal Melbourne and consultant positions at Brisbane and Perth hospitals.’ Megan didn’t sound too happy about any of them and Loughlin frowned. Why not? All three sounded to be quite viable options. ‘And Jasper called last night to say a colleague of his in England has a job I might be perfect for.’
‘England? You’d leave the country?’ Nicole was clearly surprised.
‘Why not? People have worked overseas before, Nicole.’ Megan signed her name to the case notes she’d been writing and looked at her colleague.
‘So which one are you going to choose?’
‘I have no idea.’ To say she’d been stunned by the responses to her job enquiries was an understatement. So many places to choose from, so many decisions to think on, and yet all she could think about was Loughlin and how the thought of leaving him would tear a rift in her heart. He was such an incredible man and one who’d moved halfway around the world to try something new. It was clear to everyone he met that he loved his job, that he loved helping people, fixing them when they were broken.
Well, he’d helped to fix her. Just by telling her how beautiful she was, just by kissing her the way he had, just seeing the mounting desire for her in his eyes…Megan’s self-confidence had soared. Now, although it would be painful to leave him, she knew she could do it. That she would survive. She might not be completely happy without him but she was strong enough to cope. Until she’d met him, she never would have realised this about herself.
‘You’d leave Loughlin?’ Nicole was very surprised.
‘Yes. Why did you say that? He’s just another colleague.’
Nicole snorted as though she didn’t believe her in the slightest. ‘Right. As if. I’ve seen the way the two of you look at each other.’
‘What? How? How do we look at each other?’
‘Like you’ve just seen the newest endoscope and then discovered it’s selling for half-price.’
Megan stared at the CNC for a split second before bursting out laughing. ‘Oh, Nicole. You are funny.’
‘It’s true. If I thought I had any chance with Lochie, I’d take it, but he only has eyes for you, Megan. Oh, he may charm every woman in the town but it’s clearly you he’s interested in.’
Megan had no idea what to say to that. Her mind, which usually worked too fast for her to keep up, was stunned at Nicole’s words. She knew the whole town had been talking but she hadn’t realised the talk had gone that far.
She heard footsteps in the corridor and turned to see the man in question walking towards them.
‘Oh, hi, Lochie,’ she said, her tone sounding over-bright even to her own ears.
‘Hello, hello. How are things here? Patients all behaving themselves?’ He smiled over-brightly at Nicole and herself.
Nicole looked from one to the other and shook her head. ‘You two are insane.’ At that, she headed off, leaving them alone.
‘What was that about?’ Megan wondered out loud.
‘Apparently, we’re insane. Listen, have you seen Heather?’
‘No. Have you checked my—?’
‘Office? Aye. She’s not there.’
‘It’s not as though the hospital is big enough for her to get lost in so she can’t be far. Would you like me to check the toilets for you?’
‘If you wouldn’t mind.’
‘Sure.’ Megan was glad to get away from the confined space of the nurses’ station, especially after what Nicole had been saying. She checked the restroom but Heather wasn’t in there so she decided to check her office, pleased when she found the preteen in there, packing up her homework. ‘Hi. Your dad’s looking for you.’
‘OK. Thanks.’ Heather smiled. ‘You look really nice today, Megsy. That pink top really suits ye.’
‘Uh…thanks.’
‘It would look good on me, too. Think maybe I could borrow it some time?’
Megan’s eyes widened at the request. ‘Well…I don’t see why not.’
‘Ye seem surprised.’
‘I’ve just never had anyone want to borrow my clothes before.’
‘That’s right. You don’t have a sister. I keep forgetting. I’m used to borrowing clothes and lending mine out. I have five girl cousins as well as my aunties and we used to always share.’
‘You must miss them.’
She shrugged. ‘I do but they’ll visit and we’ll visit and it’s totally the bomb being in another country.’
‘You like it, then?’ She hadn’t been sure how the young girl would cope but Heather seemed to be quite an adaptable person, just like her dad.
‘Och, aye. Especially my new school.’
‘All settled in?’
‘Aye.’ Heather hesitated for a split second, as though she wanted to say something but was deciding whether or not she should. Even Me
gan could see she was about to burst so she waited patiently. ‘And there’s this gorgeous boy I like.’
‘Boy?’ Megan blinked in astonishment. ‘You’re only twelve,’ she protested.
‘And? What age did you have your first boyfriend?’ Heather’s lilting question had stumped Megan for a few seconds as she tried to think back.
‘Not until I was at university.’
‘You’re joking! No wonder you went pale when I told you about sweet David in my algebra class.’
Not wanting to confess to Heather that she’d only had three boyfriends during her entire thirty-eight years—Calvin being the last—she steered the conversation away from herself. ‘Have you spoken to your father about this David boy?’
‘Da’?’ Heather had looked at her as though she’d grown an extra head. ‘No way. He’d more than likely pass out or, worse, embarrass me by becoming all protective and the like. Nay. I’m not tellin’ me da’.’
Megan was unsure how to take this news. Obviously Heather felt comfortable confiding in her because she was a woman and as her aunts and cousins weren’t around, it appeared she was the next best choice. In a way she was flattered to receive such a confidence but she was unsure what to do about it. ‘So…uh…what does this David look like?’
At that, Heather’s eyes sparkled, her face radiated pure girlish happiness. ‘Nice. Really nice. He has blond hair, blue eyes and he’s on the rugby team and hilariously funny. He likes my accent.’
‘He likes you back?’ Oh, this was getting dangerous.
‘I think he does.’
‘But you’re only twelve!’ she repeated. Megan felt so out of her depth it wasn’t funny. What was she supposed to do? Tell Loughlin and break Heather’s confidence? Encourage Heather to tell her father? Or just let this go and hope that the schoolgirl crush was nothing more than that…a schoolgirl crush?
‘There you are.’ Loughlin appeared in the doorway and looked from one female to the other.
‘Found her,’ Megan offered, pointing to Heather.
‘I can see that.’ Loughlin’s expression radiated tiredness. Megan’s heart yearned for him and she wanted to touch him, to run her fingers through his hair, to be held by his firm strong arms. She looked away, knowing she couldn’t do any of that. ‘Right, hen,’ he said to Heather. ‘We need to get going.’ He held out the car keys to his daughter. ‘You go get settled. I just need to speak to Megan for a moment.’