Numb

by Tanya Paterson

  “Of course she is. It’s not like she has anything better to do,” said Rachel.

  “Yes, you don’t have a life, do you Hayley.”

  “Well some of us have to work for a living,” Hayley replied, seemingly unaffected by the girls’ bitterness. She placed a pile of menus at the end of the table and made her away down towards the other end, a fixed smile on her face. I watched her until I felt Ally’s eyes on me and then turned back to my date.

  “I love your top Ally,” said Krista, enviously eyeing Ally’s new shirt which had the words “sugar baby” splashed across the front in glittering sequins.

  “Alex took me shopping,” Ally replied, leaning across to kiss me, her unblinking eyes holding mine possessively. “And we bought the new Katy Perry and Rihanna CDs and we got a few other things,” she said, emphasising the ‘we’ part and toying with the silver bracelet around her wrist so that the girls would notice that it too was new and expensive but they didn’t take the hint and instead started talking about the cover shot on Katy Perry’s CD. I feigned interest for a few minutes then tuned out when the girls began debating the merits of Rhianna’s latest hairstyle and went looking for more interesting conversation. To my left, Macca and Benny were talking football, which was what they called rugby league in Queensland. I listened in but I didn’t know any of the players they mentioned so while I tuned in and out of the conversations around me I moved the food around my plate and eventually gave up and started playing with my phone, taking photos and shooting some video of Dave sculling full glasses of beer in an attempt to get even more wasted. Pointless distractions because nothing diverted my attention, no matter how hard I tried.

  I tried not to stare every time Hayley brought over another round of drinks. I tried not to follow her movements around the table when she cleared the plates. I tried not to wonder what the family at the table in the corner had said to make her laugh. I tried. I failed.

  “What are you gawking at Alex?” Dave asked, twisting in his seat next to Krista to look behind him. I’d been watching Hayley talking to the other waitress, a girl I recognised from our school whose name I think was Helen, near the door to the kitchen. They were sipping from tall glasses of iced water and flicking their straws at each other, laughing. I’d been wishing I was the one Hayley was laughing with and thinking of how much I envied her friend.

  “I’m trying to get Hayley’s attention and order more drinks,” I lied, “I thought this was a party! I thought we were going to get wasted,” I added loudly, catching the attention of the others at the table and receiving a chorus of “wasted, wasted, wasted” in return.

  “HAYLEY!” Dave bellowed above the din, causing the other diners in the restaurant to turn, frowning, in our direction.

  Hayley rolled her eyes at Helen and walked over to the table, her face set in a polite smile but cautions. “Yes Dave. Is there anything else you’d like?”

  “Oh, I think you know what I’d like,” he slurred suggestively, before Krista thumped his arm. Dave blinked at his girlfriend and as if wondering who she was for a moment before glaring at her. He curled his lips in a snarl and Krista shot back a look which was a combination of fury and fear before lowering her eyes to her hands in her lap. Dave issued one final snort and turned back to Hayley.

  “Drinks!” he ordered. “We’re thirsty. Another round pronto or my mate Alex here is going to start a riot. Aint that right Alex?”

  Hayley’s eyes instantly zeroed in on mine and they were now full of questions and disappointment as a tiny crease furrowed her brow. I silently held her gaze for what seemed like minutes before I realised everyone’s attention was now on us and Angie’s hand tightened on my thigh. I couldn’t let her or anyone see how Hayley affected me. Not only was it too raw, but they would make her suffer even more. Consternation filled my body as I took a deep breath to pull myself together before forcing my eyes aware from hers as if she was worth my attention.

  “Another round,” I repeated Dave’s request before adding, “and make it doubles!”

  “Pronto!” barked Dave, smacking his hand on the table and the cutlery and plates jumped.

  I felt more than saw as Hayley looked away without another word, worked a smile onto her face and took out her pad and pen to take our order.

  Way to go Alex. You fucking tosser.

  Shut up, I pleaded in reply.

  And so the night carried on. The roller coaster racing faster and faster, spinning me around and around, a scream frozen in my throat. There was no stopping, no way off, I had to ride it out till the end.

  More drinks arrived, the girls became bolder and more flirtatious, the boys caught the scent of opportunity and ordered even more alcohol. A few people would get lucky tonight provided they could stay the distance. My buzz was dead, had been since we sat down. I knew there was no way I’d make it through the rest of the evening without further assistance so I excused myself to find the restrooms. I was on my way there when I bumped into Krista in the corridor outside the toilets.

  “Hi Alex. Alone at last,” she purred, saying more with her eyes.

  Easy tiger.

  “Hi,” I returned her smile.

  “Having fun?” she asked.

  “I will be in a few minutes,” I replied, patting the small plastic packet of goodies in my pocket.

  “You strike me as a guy who doesn’t mind sharing,” she said. I wasn’t sure if Krista was referring to the bag of pills or herself. More than likely she meant both. I decided to take it one step at a time and pulled out the packet.

  “Of course, I don’t mind. More fun for everyone.”

  I was flirting and it was dangerous to flirt with your friend’s girlfriend, but what the hell. This night was already a disaster. If I was going to screw up, I would royally screw up. It was almost inevitable.

  This is a really bad idea Alex.

  I pinched a pill out of the bag and held it up expecting Krista to hold out her hand. Instead she brought her mouth to my fingers and took the pill with her tongue. I blinked and wondered if all Australian girls were so forthright. The one’s I’d met so far had been.

  Not Hayley. She’s different.

  “I’ve been wanting to do this since we first met,” Krista said, closing the distance before she kissed me. I wasn’t shocked or surprised. From the moment I’d met Krista on my first day at school, I’d known this was inevitable. She was the kind of girl who wanted more than she had, and I was the kind of guy who was brought up to please others first. So I kissed her back.

  “Excuse me. Oh, sorry!” a startled voice cried.

  My internal organs slammed against my ribcage as the roller coaster car derailed, plummeting into the abyss before exploding into flames.

  I sprang away from Krista.

  “Sorry, I…” Hayley said again before looking at the floor as if she too was hoping it would open up and swallow her. “I need to get past.”

  Hayley made to move past us when Krista stopped her by grabbing her arm.

  “Mind your own business, Hayley,” Krista glared at her threateningly, “and keep your mouth shut. If anyone finds out, you’ll be sorry. Come on Alex.” She let go of Hayley and grabbed my hand.

  I didn’t, couldn’t, move.

  “Give me a minute,” I said, releasing my hand and wiping it across my lips as if it could wipe away the previous two minutes.

  Krista gave Hayley a final filthy look before as she stalked back to the table. I glanced up at Hayley to find her eyes were locked on mine. The furrow between her eyebrows had deepened with concern and…pity. Oh God, she felt sorry for me? Why did Hayley always act how I least expected her to?

  “You Australian girls sure aren’t shy,” I joked, trying not to show how compromised I felt and failing miserably as I nervously ran a hand through my hair and shuffled my feet.

  “We’re not all the same,” she said matter-of-factly.

  “No.” You’re different.

  “You behave differently when
you’re around your friends.”

  Wasn’t that the truth.

  “It’s like you’re less somehow,” she mused, and I felt an ache at how she sounded so disappointed in me and then angry that she made me feel too much.

  “Do you always have to say exactly what you’re thinking?” I countered.

  “Do you always have to pretend you’re someone you’re not?” she returned and I winced.

  “I’m just wasted, Hayley.”

  Hayley rolled her eyes. “Yeah, right.” It was clear from her tone that she didn’t believe me.

  I sighed and she waited for me to say something, anything, in reply. I stayed silent because I didn’t trust myself around her. Everything I said was too much like the truth.

  “Fine,” she said making to go and then stopped. “I’m just being honest Alex. Remember? Honest and real. I thought friends could be like that with each other.”

  Friends? She thought we were friends? Why did that make me feel even sadder?

  “Hayley!” someone called from the restaurant and she turned to leave again.

  “It’s not easy being me,” I admitted before I could stop myself. She turned to face me.

  “Oh Alex,” she sighed. “Everyone feels that way.” Her voice was soft and gentle, full of compassion and understanding. My guard slipped further.

  “But you see, that’s the crux of the problem,” I said holding her eyes and punctuating each word. “I. Don’t. Feel. Not without…” You. “…help.” For emphasis, I tapped the pocket of my jeans where I kept the small plastic bag. Our eyes were locked and my pulse accelerated but it wasn’t from the narcotics racing through my veins. The impulse to let my barriers fall further away and let Hayley see who I was, the real and honest me, was so strong, so powerful I almost gave in to it. It was like this when we were alone. It was exciting. Dangerous.

  “Hayley, we need you in here,” someone called more urgently.

  She let out a sigh of frustration and glared in the direction of the voice, “Damn it. I’m sorry, I have to…”

  I smiled grimly and nodded understanding, again feeling a conflict of emotions – relieved and disappointed. Yet Hayley lingered a moment longer, her eyes serious and thoughtful.

  “Alex, have you ever tried going without…you know…” she asked softly, her finger indicating the pocket of my jeans. “Because I think you might find you like yourself better if you did.” Then she turned on her heels and walked back into the restaurant.

  I slumped against the wall and bashed the back of my head against the bricks, self-loathing filling every cell in my body. I could handle my parent’s disappointment and loathing, but the thought of Hayley feeling that way about me made my stomach clench. I made it to the bathroom just before my stomach emptied its contents, pills and all.

  CHAPTER 19

  HAYLEY

  “I think this colour would be absolutely fabulous on you. You want me to do yours too, sweet pea?” Pete held up the small bottle of sparkly blue nail varnish he’d been painting his toenails with.

  It was Pete’s usual weekend visit. An event as regular as Sunday dinner and often coinciding with it. Pete’s parents were older, very devout and not at all happy to have a gay son, even less thrilled that he was so open about his sexuality. Weekdays at Pete’s house were tense enough and spending even more time together on weekends just wound everyone up even further. So while his parents prayed for his soul, Pete escaped to mine and avoided the ‘you’re-going-to-hell’ speeches. I thought his parents secretly hoped all the hours hanging out with me would convince Pete he really was straight after all and we would get together. But you don’t get to choose who you fall in love with.

  “Sure,” I said, stretching out my feet so they lay across his doughy legs. Besides my brother, Pete was the only guy I felt this physically comfortable with. He was more of a girlfriend than a boyfriend. Pete had a serious case of vagina-envy and was always trying to share his girly interests with me. Over the years we’d reached an understanding: I tolerated the little things like nail varnish and glittery eye-shadow, and Pete wouldn’t push me about the big things like my lack of love-life and adamant refusal to watch Housewives of Melbourne.

  We were lounging on my bed with the ceiling fan on high, not that it gave much relief on the heat. My mother insisted we didn’t need air-conditioning in the house, going on and on about reducing our carbon footprint. Green Day was blaring through the speakers and we could just about hear the music over the whooping of the fan. I flipped through my legal studies text book but I wasn’t really concentrating.

  “You look beat, Hay. Tough night at the Dragon?”

  “Mmm. I didn’t get home till after one and then I was up early this morning to finish my Legal Studies assignment.”

  “Well this should cheer you up,” he said, flicking the varnish brush in the air, “I know I always feel better with sparkly nails.”

  I smiled in thanks and watched him in silence for a few moments, but my mind was stuck on what had been bothering me the past 12 hours. Specifically, what Alex had said to me the previous evening about how he didn’t feel anything. I’d assumed the opposite was true; that Alex felt so much he had to contain it and locked it down inside him so his emotions wouldn’t explode out of him. It was the one thing I’d thought we had in common – locking something deep inside so it couldn’t escape. So it couldn’t hurt you anymore.

  “What’s up, sweet pea?”

  “Nothing,” I wanted to smile but ended up shaking my head, “I’m just tired.”

  Pete expertly painted blue stripes down either side of my last toenail and finished with another straight brush stroke down the middle. Perfect. Pete had real skill with the polish, never once slopping varnish onto the skin like I did in my haste and indifference. He screwed the lid back on the bottle and folded his hands in his lap expectantly.

  “Come on Hay, dish it. What’s bugging you?”

  I sighed, there was no point trying to keep anything from Pete. He knew me too well. He’d probably pick it out of my head in a minute anyway.

  “Last night I walked in on Krista making out with Alex in the hallway outside the Dragon’s bathroom.”

  “Reeeaaaly,” he shrilled, face lighting up at the scent of scandalous gossip. “What did Dave do? Oooh…what did Ally do? No, don’t tell me…there were gel tips at ten paces, fistfuls of highlights torn out at the roots….”

  “Nothing happened because nobody knows,” I interrupted, “I was the only one to see them and obviously I didn’t tell anyone. Before you, I mean.”

  “Of course, you wouldn’t spread juicy gossip, you’re too Little Miss Nice. That’s why you have me,” he smiled deviously.

  “You’re not going to say anything to anyone either.”

  “Why not?” he cried, incredulously. Pete shifted my foot with the painted toes to one side of his ample lap and beckoned for my hands. I spread one on his knee. I preferred my fingernails unpainted but I could always remove the blue after Pete left. “This sort of action is what we’ve all been waiting for, Hay. It’s inevitable. Those bitchy girls have been scheming for Alex since the moment he arrived. I just knew one of them was going to get stabbed in the back sooner or later. The only downside is that I guess this confirms Alex is a total slut for the ladies,” he sighed sadly, “and more than one at a time.”

  “You know what Krista is like, Pete. She’s been vying to trade up from Dave for years. Besides, Krista was coming on to Alex.”

  “So he didn’t kiss her back?”

  “It wasn’t his fault,” I said instead of answering.

  Pete looked at me curiously for a moment, his eyes narrowing as he took stock.

  “Why are you sticking up for him, Hay?”

  “I’m not,” I lied, looking down at my blue nails, hoping he wouldn’t see through me, which would be a first. I still hadn’t told Pete about my feelings for Alex because I was still trying to understand them myself. I felt so unlike myself whenever I wa
s near Alex – in a wonderful, thrilling and terrifying sense. It was like I was connected to him on some intangible, atomic level. I didn’t believe what everyone was saying about him – that he was a player and a good-time guy. Even when I’d caught him with Krista, my mind was telling me ‘this isn’t Alex, he’s not really like this’. I couldn’t explain the belief or intuition or sixth-sense or whatever it was I was feeling that made me absolutely certain Alex was pretending to be someone he wasn’t and instead of having everything all figured out and together, he was actually unravelling and falling apart.

  “Hay…” Pete pressed, instinctively knowing there was a bigger story than I was telling.

  “I think there’s more to Alex than everyone thinks,” I shrugged, admitting that much at least. “It’s like he has this public face, like he’s trying to be this person everyone else wants him to be but underneath he’s not like that at all. He looks and acts like the popular kids but he’s not one of them. Not inside. He’s different,” I bit my lip to stop from saying anything else but it didn’t work, “I think he doesn’t know who he is, not really and inside he’s just as insecure and confused as the rest of us.”

  There was a long moment of silence before Pete burst out laughing. He laughed so hard a little of the varnish spilled onto my doona cover.

  “Come off it, Hay! What have you been smoking? Those devastating good looks, that penetrating gaze, the flirtatious smile! Alex knows he’s the hottest thing in town. He’s got everything going for him and he’s totally milking it by having the time of his life going from one blonde bimbo to the next. You’re crazy if you think that deep down inside he’s really this sad little boy who needs saving.”

  I wasn’t crazy. I was certain I was right. However it was easier to agree with him.

  “You’re probably right,” I said, relieved that at least Pete hadn’t caught on to my true feelings.

  “It has happened before on occasion,” he said flippantly, although his eyes frowned as he scrutinised me for a moment longer, before eventually returning his attention to painting my nails.