Numb

by Tanya Paterson

  Still, when the final bell rang that Friday I was beginning to wonder why I was the only girl in the entire school that Alex wasn’t interested in. What was wrong with me? I started to regret my tangerine hair and my emo-inspired wardrobe and wish I was more of a girly girl.

  Neither of us seemed to be in a hurry to leave that day and it was a good half hour before we started to gather our books. Alex walked me to the lockers and the change in our routine made me puzzled. We’d exchanged glances and the occasional word outside of our time in the library, but we hadn’t really been alone together at school before. I expected to say goodbye as I packed my books in my bag but he then walked me to front gate where I spotted his car parked opposite the entrance.

  “Where’s Ally?” I asked, expecting to see her waiting for him. It was the first time I’d mentioned her name to him.

  “She has drama or music or something,” he said, looking around. “Where’s your car?”

  “It wouldn’t start again. I really need to face up to the fact that it’s ready for retirement. Or the dump. You know my mum was driving that Beetle around Australia when she met my dad.”

  “Really? I’d never have guessed,” he muttered sarcastically, arching one eyebrow.

  “Hey! Not everyone has an indulgent uncle who can afford to buy them a new Mini.”

  He shrugged off my jibe and asked, “would you like a lift home?”

  “Thanks but Sean’s picking me up. Today. Hopefully. Although with his track record I may still be waiting here when you arrive on Monday morning.”

  I leaned against the fence to wait and Alex paused besides me. He ran a hand through his hair and scratched at the scar on the back of his neck. That was another thing we never spoke about. His scars. They’d faded since he first arrived but he still kept his shirt collar up turned up high around his neck and always wore long shorts, even on the hottest days.

  “Are you going to Dave’s party tomorrow night?” he asked so quickly the words seemed to tumble out all together. Something in the way he asked made my skin tingle. If I didn’t know better I’d swear he sounded nervous, uneasy, hopeful.

  “N-no,” I stammered, also nervous. “Dave hasn’t….I mean, I don’t think….”

  Alex cut in. “Dave’s invited the whole senior class if that’s what you’re worried about.”

  “It’s not that…umm…” I didn’t know what to say – how could I explain eighteen years of history with Dave Matthews and why he made my skin crawl?

  Alex moved in closer and held my gaze and my heart stuttered. “I’m going. Why don’t you come? With me?” He reached out and gently took my hand in his, lacing his fingers through mine.

  Oh. My. God.

  My heart stopped. The line between friendship and something new entirely had been crossed in the space of a heartbeat and my head was reeling to catch up. I felt light headed from the energy spiralling between us. I looked away to our intertwined fingers as he gave then a gentle squeeze.

  Wasn’t this what I’d wanted, dreamt about, since I’d first seen Alex in the quadrangle that morning?

  Except now that it was happening it didn’t just feel so very right but so very wrong. For too many reasons.

  “I really like you, Hayley,” Alex said, no more than a whisper. “I want to hang out with you outside of school.”

  Alex stood very still waiting for my answer. I could tell he was anxious to know my reaction. His thumb gently massaged the palm of my hand and I looked up into his eyes which were now peering nervously at me from under his long fringe. A thousand questions ran through my head at the same time.

  One question in particular stood out.

  “What about Ally?” I asked.

  “I don’t want to go with Ally.”

  “Did you break up?”

  “No, not yet.”

  I wanted to ask about Krista and all the other girls. I wanted to tell him that I couldn’t be the girl who stole another’s boyfriend and that I wouldn’t be the girl who tolerated her boyfriend seeing other girls. At the same time I wanted him so badly that I was almost prepared to say ‘the hell with principals’. But deep down inside there was another reason. Alex continued to hold my gaze and my hand as my mind played tug-of-war with my body. Both wanted me to say yes and at the same time both wanted me to say now. An eternity of seconds passed before my mouth could form the words.

  “I can’t Alex,” I said releasing the breath I’d been holding. I wanted to elaborate and say more but those words were too difficult to say. It was too complicated, too painful. Even if he broke up with Ally first, a party at Dave’s house was the last place I wanted to go. I needed to find the words to explain. I disentangled my hand from Alex’s and shoved it in my pocket where it continued to tingle from his touch.

  “Sorry, I didn’t mean to overstep….” Alex clenched his jaw shut like he always does when he’s angry with himself or is worried he’s going to say something he really feels. His shoulders stiffened and he looked down at his shoes, his hair falling across his face again so I couldn’t see what he was thinking. Still he didn’t leave as if he also wanted to say more but couldn’t find the words either. He nervously shuffled his feet as if he was willing them to walkhurryrun away but they wouldn’t obey. I knew I had to explain before he left.

  “Alex –“

  “Hayley –“

  …we both said at the same time.

  Alex continued. “This whole thing with Ally and Krista and the rumours going round…” Alex left the sentence hanging as he tilted his head so that I could see directly into his dark brooding eyes. “You must know …. I’m not the person everyone thinks I am. That’s not the real me. I thought you knew that.”

  And with those words, Alex shed the last of his costume.

  My Alex – as I’d come to think of him – the boy I thought-hoped-dreamed he was stood in front of me – unguarded, bruised, broken, in pain and so very, very alone. He looked so fragile and vulnerable I wanted to take him in my arms and never let him go. I wanted to tell him that I could see the real Alex, that I knew his pain and that his scars ran deeply under the skin. I understood him.

  “I’m not stupid Alex. I know the truth. I know exactly who you are,” I said, looking into his eyes.

  You’re the boy I’m falling for.

  “Hurry up, Hayley. Let’s go. We’re late!” Sean shouted from the car, leaning on his horn for emphasis. For once in his life Sean was on time and it had to be the one time I wanted him to be late.

  “Just a minute,” I shouted back, throwing in a furious glare to let him know I needed a minute.

  I turned to Alex but the mask was back in place and more impenetrable than ever. Alex’s eyes were dull and I could taste his disappointment and sting of rejection in the air.

  He nodded grimly. “Right. I get it. I understand,” he said and turned away from him.

  No!

  Wait!

  It was obvious he didn’t understand at all. He didn’t give me the chance to explain.

  I cared about Alex but I just couldn’t go with him to Dave’s party because of Ally, because of Krista, because of Dave and because of so many other reasons that were still too raw to discuss.

  I went to grab his arm and stop him leaving but at that moment Sean leant on his horn in one long blast. “I haven’t got all day Hay, could you hurry up please?” he yelled.

  “Just a second,” I shout furiously back at my brother.

  But when I turned back to Alex to explain, he was already gone.

  CHAPTER 24

  ALEX

  I was in a dangerous place…mentally and physically.

  I was on the precipice, standing on the outside of the highest balcony on the top floor of the house, leaning out as far as my arms would stretch so that just the tips of my fingers gripped the wooden handrail behind me.

  This time there was no pool below to break my fall.

  I made sure of that.

  The voice inside my head had been
strangled into silence, the nerve-endings in my body locked down and the numbing chill returned like an invisible blanket of protection wrapping around my body, shielding me from the truth.

  I leant further into the abyss, willing myself to just let go. Just. Let. Go.

  Fuck it.

  What did I have to loose?

  CHAPTER 25

  HAYLEY

  Going to Dave’s tonight need you

  What????

  Need you to come with me to Dave’s party

  Who is this and what have you done with Hayley???

  Don’t be a drama queen, Pete, have reasons

  Is this a joke? There is no way the Hayley I know would ever set foot in Dave’s house again!!

  Please I can’t go alone, you know why

  Oh God do we really have to go?

  Yes really

  -

  Please Pete

  -

  Pretty pleeeeaaaassseee

  -

  I need you

  Ok pick me up at 8.

  I needed to see to Alex. I’d tried calling twice but hang up before the call connected because what I needed to say was better in person, even if that meant going to Dave Matthew’s house which is the one place I hadn’t visited since the night my father died more than five years ago.

  But I would go for Alex. I would go to explain why I didn’t say yes at school yesterday. And I’d find out if I was just another girl he was playing with or if my instincts were correct.

  Was Alex the person I thought he was?

  Or was I fooling myself?

  CHAPTER 26

  ALEX

  Some things are a given. The sun will rise in the east. The moon will orbit the Earth. And sooner or later I will fuck up.

  I was beyond caring anymore. I was too wired to care. I only wanted to forget.

  Dave passed around a bag of pills and everyone helped themselves. Everyone except me. Not because I was abstaining but because I had my own extra special stash hidden in my back pocket. A special cocktail that would guarantee all my problems would go away. For the first time in years I needed chemicals not because I wanted to feel, but because I needed to dull the pain. I never realised that once I’d opened up that box of raw emotion I wouldn’t be able to just lock it shut again.

  Dave also had his own secret hoard in his pocket and earlier that evening he’d pulled me aside to see if I wanted any of the Rohypnol he’d managed to get. I had declined. Roofies weren’t my style but I wasn’t surprised Dave had some; he was that kind of guy. I didn’t ask him what he was doing with them. I had my own problems.

  I was not looking forward to the conversation I was about to have with Ally but the relationship had dragged on too long and I was especially eager to extract myself from it and quickly. Ally still hadn’t arrived at the party but it would be over soon enough, a matter of hours, seconds if she’d bloody well hurry up. Hooking up with her had been a colossal mistake. All my own fault of course as I knew we had so little in common that our differences would become an issue sooner or later. In the past couple of weeks I’d avoided her like the plague and we’d only seen each other at school and only if there was a group of people around because when it was just the two of us the silence would hang between us like an insurmountable barrier.

  Contrary to the rumours I hadn’t been screwing around behind Ally’s back. With the exception of that one kiss from Krista, I’d not cheated on Ally. At least not physically. Emotionally I’d cheated many, many times because my feelings were for someone else. I’d been intending to finish it with Ally for weeks but our dating had served the purposes of getting me in with Dave and his crowd, and also keeping the other girls at bay while I worked out my feelings for Hayley. Now things had come to a head because if I couldn’t have the girl I wanted then I may as well have every other girl instead. The best thing right now was to be a free agent and try to block her image from my brain with whoever would be willing.

  The other problem wasn’t that I didn’t know how to get myself out of one sticky situation with Ally and prevent myself from getting into another with Krista. Since our fumble in the restaurant, Krista had dropped plenty of not-so-subtle hints that she wanted a piece of me – grabbing my arse when no-one was looking and texting me constantly. But now Rachael was sitting next to me with the side of her body pressed up against mine and her hand on my unscarred leg as her fingers stroked the inside of my thigh. Could she be the solution to all my problems?

  You don’t want this, a voice said, struggling to be heard.

  Yes I do, I growled back, now leave me alone.

  I was beyond salvation.

  I was ready to open Pandora’s box.

  CHAPTER 27

  HAYLEY

  We parked half a dozen houses down from Dave’s and could hear the music before I even turned off the engine. Dave lived in a run-down, single-storey, fibreboard house near the sugar mill and just off the main road that led out to Proserpine’s reservoir. I hadn’t been here for years but the place didn’t appear to have changed at all; it was still unloved and run down and haunted by the ghosts of my childhood. The paint was so faded it was practically non-existent, just as I remembered, and the garden was a flat expanse of dirt with a few tuffets of scraggly grass struggling to multiply and spread. The only difference was the waist-high, chain-link fence that once defined the property’s boundary had disappeared leaving only metal posts and a long iron balustrade leaning sadly towards the dirt.

  My dad and Dave’s dad Gary had been childhood friends and best mates since the day they were born. They went fishing together, played football for the same team and were practically inseparable. In better times for both of our families, Dad often brought me and Sean here to play. But then Dave’s mum ran off with a regular from the pub where she worked; leaving only a two-word note that simply said ‘had enough’. No-one blamed her. Gary had never been a model citizen so everyone assumed he was an even worse husband and father. I wouldn’t have been standing outside the house then if I hadn’t known for certain he wasn’t inside. One Matthew’s at a time was more than enough.

  Not long after Dave’s mum left Gary’s began drinking more heavily and my dad graduated from Gary’s best buddy to Gary’s best drinking buddy. That was the beginning of when things turned bad for my family. My parent’s marriage was quickly going the same way south and it didn’t take long before Mum put a stop to me visiting the Matthews house altogether. Dave didn’t understand. He took it personally as if he’d had some weird claim to me, like he’d owned me or something. Then one day when I was twelve, my family were invited over to the Matthews house for a barbecue on the day of the Melbourne Cup. While Mum and Sean were trying to regulate the men’s beer consumption in the back yard, Dave cornered me in his bedroom and told me he loved me and we were destined to be together forever. He pushed me to the floor of his bedroom, stuck his tongue in my mouth and started groping me. I fought back with a knee to his tender parts and fist in his face. He’s never forgotten that day. Neither have I.

  That’s why I stayed away from Dave Matthews. Because the apple never fell far from the tree and he was a bomb just waiting to go off.

  But now we were at his house and as fate would have it he was the first person ran into.

  “Hayley!” Dave called, unable to conceal his surprise as he pushed past the crowd of people that were packed into the kitchen. It was obvious he was wasted. His eyes were blinking as if struggling to focus on me although I was barely two feet away from him. Like father, like son.

  “Hi Dave,” I said as casually as I could, looking over his shoulder to note the nearest exits and at the same time noticing that most of the senior class and half of Year 11 was there. I got a surprised glance from Kylie and hostile glare from Krista. Both girls were comforting Ally who was sobbing by the lounge room window, her face blotchy and red and streaked with tears.

  “You’re here,” Dave said, surprised, puzzled, and hopeful at the same time.

/>   “We’re here,” Pete said, nodding seriously at him, making him aware of his presence as my own personal bodyguard.

  Dave glared at Pete and gave him the tiniest nod of his head but didn’t return the greeting. Not enough water under the bridge for those two. They would always hate what the other represented.

  “Can I get you something?” he asked me, holding up a bag of pills. “I could make you one of my special cocktails? Just for you, I have a secret ingredient that will rock your boat.”

  “Thanks, but we’re ok,” Pete answered for me, holding up two fluorescent-coloured alcopops – two for him, none for me as I was driving and just the very idea of drinking in this house made me want to vomit.

  “I’m glad you came, Hay.” Dave didn’t take his eyes off me, completely ignoring Pete. “It’s been a long time, you know.”

  “Yeah.” I gritted my teeth, my eyes nervously scanning the room, still searching for Alex but finding Krista again. I inwardly cringed and hastily looked away but not before I saw the look in her eyes and noticed her moving towards us. I needed to get away from Dave but couldn’t see Alex anywhere. Maybe he’d changed his mind and hadn’t come after all and I’d made the trip to this house for nothing.

  “Ahhh…I see,” murmured Dave, nodding his head in understanding as he realised why I was there. “You’re looking for someone in particular.” His disappointment had a nasty edge to it

  Krista arrived next to Dave and glared at me. “What are you doing here?”

  “We just thought we’d drop in,” I lied, not very convincingly.