Numb

by Tanya Paterson

  “Hayley, I can smell that god-awful Durian from across the field.” A woman’s voice shouted from outside.

  We both shot back in surprise. Spell broken.

  “My mum hates Durian,” Hayley murmured as she led the way outside.

  Hayley was right, I was a while.

  The moment Hayley’s mother, Annie, saw us walking out of the sorting shed she came over to hug us both enthusiastically and insisted I stay for dinner so I could tell her all about myself. I was too overawed by her to refuse.

  Annie was a lot younger then I expected, probably only in her late 30’s or early 40’s, and she had wavy brown hair down her back. She was wearing a long multi-coloured skirt and sleeveless tie-dyed top which exposed two tattoos – a yin/yang on her shoulder and a large sun on her back. There was a stud in her nose, dozens of bracelets around both wrists, and a tiny chain of bells around one ankle which jingled as she walked barefoot with us towards the house. She was totally at ease with herself and everything around her, content in her skin, and she looked exactly like the eco-hippy Hayley described her as. Seeing Annie in a rainbow of colours made me realise that other than a school uniform, I’d only ever seen Hayley dressed head to toe in black. She had more than enough colour in her eyes and hair and lips, I realised, taking an unsteady breath as I thought about how close I’d come to her lips just moments before.

  Later that evening I was sitting at a long weather beaten wooden table outside under the night sky. After another hot afternoon, the night was cool and bright and millions, billions, of stars sparkled above as the Milky Way flowed across the night sky like a glistening stream. Small beeswax candles in old pickle and jam jars stood in a row down the centre of the table, a citronella candle popped and sizzled in a tin bucket under the table keeping away the mosquitoes. Everything I could see and touch was worn and homely – either homemade or recycled and thrown together haphazardly so that nothing matched.

  Annie brought various plates of food to the table – grilled vegetables, salad, rice, fresh bread, a bowl of homous and some other dip I didn’t recognise. Hayley’s brother Sean had arrived home a few minutes earlier and I could hear him talking on his mobile as he paced around the veranda while he finished his call.

  “Mum and Sean are vegetarians,” Hayley said, placing a plate of cold chicken between us, “so this is all for us.” She sat across from me, the dancing flames from the candles flicking shadows across her face. Her eyes looked darker, more olive coloured tonight.

  “You’re not a vegetarian as well?” I asked.

  “No way.”

  “It’s one of Hayley’s little rebellions,” Annie said, sitting next to her daughter and throwing her arms around her in an affectionate hug. There had been a lot of hugging since Annie turned up. Hayley rolled her eyes elaborately and smiled, leaning into her mother’s embrace.

  “Hayley? Rebellious?” I joked.

  Annie laughed. “In all the right ways, of course. I never thought any kid of mine would choose corporate life over nature, but my daughter is dead-set on becoming a lawyer. I’ve tried to encourage an unconventional lifestyle but Hayley is her own woman, aren’t you Hay? The only concession I got was the hair.” Annie smiled adoringly at her daughter as she playfully ruffled Hayley’s tangerine locks. Even a blind person would have seen the genuine love and affection between them.

  My own family and upbringing couldn’t have been more different and I felt that void more than ever as I listened to Annie fill Hayley in on her day. Rebellion or contrary opinion of any kind for that matter was not tolerated in my family. I was given no choice but to live a life that fulfilled my parent’s desires and goals for respectability, status and money. Any deviation would not be tolerated.

  Hayley’s mother was the polar opposite to mine. Annie was affectionate, inquiring, empowering and genuinely friendly. She didn’t just tolerate her daughter’s differences but admired her for them. Hayley was the child of a hippy who desired a conventional life in law, the meat-eater in a vegetarian family, the black sheep, so to speak, who was accepted and loved for who she was, despite her differences.

  My admiration of her grew and grew.

  “I’m starving, what’s for dinner? Let me guess, veggies? Hey there, you must be Hayley’s mate. G’day, I’m Sean.” Sean’s words tumbled out without a breath as he stuck out his hand for me to shake, sitting at the place next to me as he did so. So they do shake hands here, I thought, grasping the offered hand.

  “Alex.”

  “Nice to meet you Alex,” Sean said helping himself to a plate and launching into a non-stop recap of his day while shovelling food onto his plate.

  I liked him immediately.

  Sean had a joie de vivre, the kind of unstoppable energy and enthusiasm that was infectious. His long hair was tied back with a rubber band and he was wearing a pair of cut-off jeans and a Quicksilver t-shirt. If they had bigger waves in North Queensland I would have picked him as a surfer. He was not much older than Hayley and he looked and acted anything not at all like I’d expect from a successful businessman and his hyperactivity made me wonder if he’d knocked back one too many triple espressos. Inconceivably, Sean seemed relaxed and easy going at the same time.

  “Thanks for giving Hay a lift home today, Alex,” muttered Sean through a mouthful of food, “I got called in to see those bloody blood suckers at the bank and can you believe…”

  “Umm, Sean. Alex’s step-father is a banker,” Hayley interrupted. “Easy on the slander.”

  “Although the blood-sucking description is very apt,” I said quickly.

  Annie and Sean laughed although Hayley stared at me curiously.

  “Actually I’m going to be reading economics at Cambridge next year. So I guess one day I’ll be a blood-sucker too,” I admitted before I could stop myself. Something about this family, these people, this place, made me want to drop my guard and let them in. I wanted them to know me and accept me, despite our differences.

  “Economics?” Annie sounded puzzled, “Hmm, I didn’t get that from you Alex. Did you Hay?”

  “Mum,” said Hayley, gently reprimanding her mother.

  “What do you mean?” It was my turn to be puzzled.

  “Well,” Annie paused, taking a sip of her beer, “I can see you’re actually quite a creative person and your emotions run deep. I don’t think you’ll enjoy sitting at a desk all day looking at numbers and spreadsheets. You should be an artist or a writer. Or an actor. Don’t you think, Hay? Do you get the same vibe?”

  I was puzzled and confused and surprised, what was she talking about and why was she asking Hayley for her opinion?

  “Mum…” Hayley said in a warning tone as her face flushed pink with embarrassment.

  “Hayley…” her mother challenged teasingly in return.

  Hayley stared severely at her mother.

  Sean intervened. “Come on you two, we have a guest. Can we not freak him out with your weirdness until after we’ve eaten?” Then he sighed and launched into an explanation. “Mum can see auras, and she thinks Hayley can too, but Hayley thinks it’s a load of bullshit and is in total denial. The most she’ll ever admit to is a ‘feeling’ about people but if you ask me – ”

  “Ok Sean,” Hayley interrupted, “that’s enough. People at school already think I’m weird enough.”

  “Auras?” I turned to Hayley. “You mean like colours?”

  Hayley frowned at the flickering candle.

  “You can call it a good judge of character if you want, Hay,” Annie persisted. “But I think it’s a gift. Anyway Alex…” she continued, fixing her attention on me. “You might look the slick banker type but you and I – and Hayley – all know that’s not where your real passion lies. Your heart would be happier writing or pursuing some other creative vocation, but my guess would be writing.” Annie finished by popping a lychee in her mouth. She was so sure of herself. So certain.

  I was speechless. The speak-your-mind-gene obviously ran in the family
.

  Who were these people who could see right through me? How could they look through my painfully constructed layers and see me without any trouble at all? I felt exposed, vulnerable, and uncomfortable.

  And you thought you were so clever.

  Annie was spot on of course – the only passion I had for economics was hating it.

  I loved to write. Last year I even admitted this to my parents after I’d won a young writers competition in England. That success had given me hope that I might actually be good at it; that I might even be able to make a career out of writing. My parents had other ideas. Even my father, who I thought would have been more understanding as he’d written half a dozen books himself, insisted I ‘not deviate from the path’. Their path. Their plan. My parents, together with my step-father, had invested too much time and money in my future to have me walk away. They wanted to see their returns. It was the turn of the screw that cracked the nut when I finally realised that what I wanted didn’t matter. My parents would never let me live the life I wanted even if I could prove I could succeed at it. They had too much invested in ‘the plan’.

  I glanced at Hayley and I knew she could sense my disquiet. She smiled as if to apologise, again, for the psychoanalysis but as I stared back into Hayley’s eyes which were now shining brightly in the candlelight, I realised Annie had been spot on.

  Whether she could see auras or not, one thing was certain, Hayley could see right through me. She’d been able to see me all along.

  I couldn’t hide from her.

  Then don’t.

  CHAPTER 21

  HAYLEY

  It was late when Alex left. After dinner we’d moved up to veranda and sat on the oversized cushions drinking cold beer and talking. I mostly listened because between Mum and Sean I couldn’t get a word in. They monopolised Alex for most of the evening, asking him question after question about England. Alex had travelled all over the world and they hungrily devoured his stories about places they’d both dreamed of visiting but had yet to make it to. I knew they were envious. Thankfully mum and Sean steered clear of asking awkward family questions when it was obvious Alex was uncomfortable talking about his parents. I got the feeling they were pretty cold and controlling. No wonder Alex was so tightly wrapped inside his shell.

  Mum and Sean finally went inside around ten and left us alone.

  “Sorry about all that,” I said stretching my legs out on the Thai mats at the same time as Alex, “I did warn you that you’d be a while. You’re lucky – some people don’t escape for days.”

  “I’ve had a great time and I’m not in a hurry to leave… unless… you’re tired.”

  I didn’t want him to go either. “It’s ok, I’m not tired.”

  We sat talking on the veranda for another hour: not chatting about anything in particular, just whatever came to mind. I told him why I wanted to study law and how I wanted to help people who needed it most. Alex admitted my mother had been right and he didn’t want to study economics. We avoided the uncomfortable subject of people at school. Alex didn’t mention Ally or Krista and had turned his phone off earlier in the day when it kept beeping with messages and voicemail. I didn’t mention Ally or Krista either mostly because I didn’t want to be reminded that Alex had at least one girlfriend waiting for him to return her calls later that night. I don’t know why this bothered me, because Alex and I were only friends and would only ever be friends even though for a second earlier that afternoon in the packing shed I wondered if we could have been more.

  It was pointless denying any longer that that I’d fallen under Alex’s spell just like Pete and the countless other girls at school. The feelings I had for him were overwhelming and all-consuming and my body was having crazy reactions just by being near him. It was like there was constant static in the air as all afternoon my body tingled from being so near to Alex.

  Later when the lights in the house had dimmed and I couldn’t stifle a yawn and longer Alex got to his feet.

  “I’d better go. It’s really late.”

  I didn’t say anything, just nodded.

  “I’ve had a great time, Hayley. It’s been….a revelation.”

  He was smiling ironically and so I smiled back. I didn’t want him to leave, but it was late.

  “Thanks again for the lift home,” I said as I walked him to his car and he got in.

  Alex rolled his window down and stared at me silently for a moment. He had a strange look on his face as if he was happy and sad at the same time. I felt the same way.

  “See you at school,” he said, holding my gaze a second longer before starting his car and waving goodbye as he drove down the drive and into the night. I watched his car turn onto the main road until I could no longer see its headlights, then I went inside.

  It didn’t matter that I couldn’t keep my eyes open, sleep refused to come. I replayed every conversation that afternoon: every look, every gesture. I was definitely on the way to full-blown obsession.

  It was so not healthy.

  Eventually, I stuffed a pillow over my face and but of course the image of his face was now imprinted on the inside of my eyelids. In a small, dark corner of my mind I knew I should be worried I’d allowed this boy to slip past my shields, but like a cliché schoolgirl I easily gave in to the growing feelings inside and allowed my imagination to run away with impossible fantasies and dreams.

  Impossible because I knew deep down that I would never let any of them happen.

  Because I would always be too afraid.

  I hid my face in my pillow and started to count sheep but it was much, much later before I finally drifted off to sleep.

  CHAPTER 22

  ALEX

  I wasn’t stalking Hayley, I wasn’t. Only psychos or perverts stalk. It’s illegal. It’s sick. It wasn’t what I was doing. I just happened to keep running into her although not always accidentally. Call it infatuation, call it divine intervention; I preferred to think of our meetings as happy coincidences.

  Over the next couple of weeks, I found myself arriving at school early at exactly the same time Hayley pulled up in her beat-up old Beetle. Sometimes we’d walk together until we arrived inside the gates at which point she’d go her way towards her friends and I’d go towards mine. Our schedules were so different that we never really connected at other time during the school day and those first few minutes together before the start of the day were enough to sustain me until I saw here again in English class or the library period.

  I became a regular at Juicy Bits and learnt the names of everyone who worked there, even some of the other regulars. If Hayley wasn’t working I’d buy smoothies for Charles and Margaret and take them to the office because maybe Hayley was there. Margaret must have thought I was a model nephew and I’m sure Charles was wondering if the tropical sun had given me heatstroke.

  Every morning without fail I would rise early and be at the Proserpine pool before 7.30am in the hope of running into Hayley before school. Sometimes she made it and we’d swim a few laps together but mostly I was alone.

  Only once I felt like a real stalker when I left Ally in a dress shop at Airlie Beach and surreptitiously followed Hayley around Airlie’s open-air market as she browsed amongst the stalls and stopped to admire an intricately carved greenstone necklace and buy a notebook of handmade paper decorated with tiny colourful shells.

  I had a girlfriend but it was Hayley I wanted to spend more time with.

  Was it wrong to wonder if she wanted me too?

  CHAPTER 23

  HAYLEY

  For almost the entire school population – students and staff – the last period Friday afternoon was the most anticipated of the week. It was the final hour of confinement in the school grounds and signalled a sixty-minute countdown until we were all granted a two-day pass to freedom. The atmosphere noticeably changed around lunchtime Fridays and the excited anticipation increased with each passing minute.

  But for me the last period Friday had become a bitter
sweet hour.

  Alex and I shared this period in library, and that meant it was usually the last time I would see him until Monday although he often came into at Juicy Bits on the weekend but he never hung around for long.

  Since that day Alex came to dinner, we’d become friends. Sort of. We didn’t see much of each other at school but in the library we were friends and had developed a rapport. Our library study period was definitely my favourite hour of the day. Often Alex would test me with the summary questions at the end of each chapter in my legal studies book and in return I would quiz Alex on French grammar, although my pronunciation was so terrible that his eyebrows would often pinch together while he tried to make sense of exactly what I was saying.

  In reality, we didn’t get a lot of studying done.

  Instead we would talk. About the world, books we loved, music, anything. It turned out we had a lot in common. Alex was more than just a good looking guy, he was intelligent and interesting and slowly, minute by minute, Alex began lowering his barriers, piece by piece, to let me in.

  As the days went by I struggled to keep my feelings purely platonic. At least once every day (usually more frequent than that) the electricity between us would spike and I’d find myself staring at him, lost in his dark brown eyes and marvelling at how everything felt so right with him. And sometimes (usually more frequent than that) I would catch Alex staring at me and I would imagine that he felt something too and my feelings weren’t all one-sided. It made me hope that that afternoon at the farm when I was sure he wanted to kiss me as much as I wanted to kiss him, wasn’t just my overactive imagination playing with me.

  In the library we were friends but outside of our airconditioned sanctuary life reverted to type. Alex wore his most-popular-guy-in-school mask and I remained an outsider. Nobody knew the real extent of our friendship. Not even Pete. Although I’m sure people noticed us talking sometimes. Of course, Alex was still very much with Ally and Krista was also hanging in the wings. I also heard the gossip about the many other girls he was rumoured to be with on the side but I ignored them. Alex never mentioned Ally or Krista or any other girl to me and like a coward I never brought them up. It was one area of his life I didn’t want to pry. Partly because I believe it all to be a lie and partly because I was worried he would tell me it was all true.