Numb

by Tanya Paterson

  “I’ve tried talking to them, many times, but they don’t listen and don’t care. You see they’ve put too much time and effort and investment into me. I’m to do what is expected, what I’m told to do, without argument and trust me, I discovered early on that standing up to them just makes it worse. Much, much worse.”

  “It got to the point where I had to shut down just to deal. It was like I had this black hole inside that sucked in all emotion and left me numb. It was the only way to cope because if nothing mattered and I didn’t care about anything or feel anything everything was ok. The only time I felt anything was when I was wasted so I took just about every drug I could get my hands on, and I’m not proud of it but yes, I screwed around. A lot. But even that wasn’t an escape for long. It made it worse.”

  “I figured there was only way out. One way to escape my parents. I was dead on the inside anyway so one weekend when I was home from school, I drank a bottle of vodka, took a handful of pills and stole my step-father’s car…and….well….” I gestured towards the scars on my leg and across my back and shrugged “even that didn’t go according to plan. I still had a pulse at the end of it.”

  “After they pulled me out of the wreck my mum and dad and step-father were too busy trying to protect themselves to worry about me. They didn’t even realise or care that I’d tried to kill myself. It wasn’t until my school found drugs in my room and I was expelled that my parents freaked out and dumped me here to ride out the scandal. I’ve been given twelve months to clean up and shape up before I’m expected…expected…to crawl home with my tail between my legs, beg for forgiveness and get back with the program. Or they’ll force me into an institution or cut me off for good.”

  I took a shaky breath.

  “I only ever wanted them to actually care me. I now realise that’s not going to happen. They’ll never love me, no matter how hard I try.”

  Hayley reached out and put her hand on mine which were clenched in my lap. “I’m sure they love you, Alex.”

  I stared at our hands. Hers gently resting on mine, my fingers locked together, the knuckles white with tension. The truth was hard.

  “No, they don’t. My parents don’t know what love is.”

  “You don’t know that.”

  “Yes, I do,” I quietly insisted, daring myself to look into her eyes, “because I think I know what love feels like.”

  Hayley removed her hand from mine and I looked away and directed my words to the floor where they felt safer. I was determined to tell her everything. No more secrets.

  “Hayley, do you believe in fate or destiny or love at first sight?”

  It was the softest gasp of breath but I heard it clearly all the same. I glanced at her. She was as unmoving as a stone statue. After what felt like an excruciatingly long pause she gave an almost imperceptible nod. I pushed down my anxiety and the trembling that was threatening to shake my entire body and continued.

  “The first day I met you Hayley…no the first moment I saw you, across the quadrangle, do you remember it?”

  She gave another tiny nod.

  “It was like you were looking inside me, like you could really see me.” Something occurred to me then. “Could you?” I asked.

  “Yes,” she admitted, barely a whisper, her lips hardly moving. “I think I could.”

  “You’re the first person who ever really noticed me. Me. You scared the hell out of me that morning,” I frowned, “because suddenly it was like a switch had been flipped and I went from feeling nothing to feeling everything at once. The first time I spoke to you I couldn’t string two words together because I had all these feelings exploding inside and I couldn’t think straight let alone speak. It was terrifying because for the first time in years I felt… alive! And it was like that every time I saw you.”

  “And it freaked me out because on one hand I really wanted to be this person I was around you because he was someone I actually liked, but on the other hand everyone else expected me to be this other person around them and it was easy to give them what they wanted because that’s who I’d always been: someone who was brought up to please others. Bloody hell, I didn’t know what to do or who to be and it wasn’t until I made one horrible mistake after another that I finally worked out what I wanted.”

  I paused because I wanted her to ask me and I didn’t have to wait long before she did.

  “What do you want, Alex?”

  “I want you Hayley Seagrove. Because I think I’m in love with you.”

  CHAPTER 41

  HAYLEY

  “What did you say?”

  “I’m in love with you, Hayley. Completely and totally in love with you.”

  Oh my god, Alex really said it. I thought I’d imagined it.

  “I love everything about you,” he continued as my heart restarted double-quick. He leaned towards me as the words tumbled out, eager to be spoken and unwilling to be held back any longer. “I love your confidence and individuality. I love how you don’t put up with anyone’s crap especially my crap. I love your sense of humour and your so-smart-you-should-be-in-Mensa brain. I love your complete and total selflessness and your willingness to forgive even when the other person doesn’t deserve it. I love how you’re always always looking for the good in people and your unswerving loyalty to your friends. And I especially love your fantastic brighter-than-a-solar-flare pumpkin coloured hair.”

  Alex paused but only to take a breath which was just as well because I think my heart was in my throat and I wouldn’t have been able to speak anyway.

  “I’m probably saying this all wrong because I’ve never felt like this before,” he continued earnestly. “I never even imagined I could feel like this. But I do. I love you. Even if you don’t love me back. And that is how I know what love feels like Hayley, because I don’t expect anything from you in return.”

  It was too much. It was waking up on Christmas morning and finding that every one of the presents under the tree was mine. It was proof that a higher power did exist because they were looking down on me at that moment and saying “here’s a gift for you, Hayley”. It was every single one of my fantasies and dreams and hopes and wishes all rolled into one.

  I didn’t know what to say.

  “Alex…” I began.

  Alex smiled and shook his head and said “Its ok, Hayley. I told you I don’t expect you to feel the same way. I just wanted you to know how I feel-…”

  I stopped his words with a kiss.

  Not just any kiss. The kiss of my life, my existence, of all eternity. My body reached for his and in a heartbeat I had my arms around his neck, my hands in his hair and I was pulling him to me. I heard him gasp in surprise as I deepened the kiss and the electricity exploded between us. Every cell in my body buzzed as it woke from stasis.

  His arms wrapped around me, pulling me closer and I felt a deep sigh of relief or desire or happiness or maybe all three echo through his body.

  The conflicting feelings and doubts that had been pulsing through me for the past six months – from the shock of seeing him outside reception on that first day, to the anger and betrayal I’d felt after Dave’s party, to the realisation that I’d known the truth all along – all of that confusion and suspicion simply vanished.

  Everything felt so right.

  Until it began to feel so wrong.

  Slowly but surely, like a chilly draft seeping into a warm room, my buried fears reared their unwelcome heads and forced their way to the surface, pushing against desire and replacing lust with anxiety. I fought it. My body ached for more kissingtouchingcaressing and at the same time was terrified of getting it. Alex’s body pressed against mine on the sofa, one arm around my waist, a hand in my hair, an undeniable erection pressing against my thigh…

  Shit shit shit!

  My eyes opened in alarm.

  Don’t freak out Hayley.

  I remembered that this was Alex, my Alex, no-one else. His lips moved against mine and I felt his hand slipped smoothly un
der my shirt to rest against the small of my back. His skin was on my skin. My breath hitched.

  You can do this, I told myself. You want this, you want him.

  But still my mind and body waged a civil war within. Part of me was screaming for more. Another part was screaming for him to stop. When Alex slipped his fingers under the waistband of my jeans, I knew which side had won. Fear paralysed me and I shoved him back.

  No.

  No!

  NO!

  Alex pulled away immediatly, his eyes puzzled and worried. I bit back tears of humiliation as I quickly wriggled out from under him and sat upright, turning my face away so he couldn’t see my shame.

  “Hayley?” Alex asked, his voice worried and filled with quiet alarm. “What’s wrong?”

  I hid my face. I was mortified. What was wrong with me? Was I so permanently damaged that I couldn’t even kiss the guy who was in love with me, who I loved back, without freaking out?

  “Whatever I did, I’m so sorry Hayley. I didn’t mean – ”

  It wasn’t anything he’d done. It was me.

  I hung my head in shame and glanced at him through my damp eyelashes. “You didn’t do anything wrong, Alex.”

  Alex contrite and worried and I could tell he blamed himself for my actions. He probably also blamed himself when I ran from him in the library. I had to tell him the truth, that’s what I’d intended to do at the pool, but now that he’d seen me freak out I knew he would pity me once he knew.

  I nervously looked into Alex’s brown eyes and they held mine.

  “Please tell me what I did wrong,” Alex begged.

  “You didn’t do anything. I…I’m afraid…”

  “You don’t need to be afraid of me, Hayley.”

  “I’m not afraid of you. I’m afraid of how I feel when I get closer to you…. physically.”

  “I’m sorry, I’m coming on too strong. I don’t mean to….”

  “Alex…” I tried to interrupt.

  “….its just I’ve never felt this way about anyone before but you have to know….”

  “Alex…” I repeated.

  “…I would never ever pressure you to do anything you didn’t want to do. I love – ”

  “Alex!” I said loudly. The rest of his words froze on his lips as this time he stopped talking and let me finish. “I want you to kiss me. I want you to hold me. And I really really want you to touch me. You’re doing everything right. It really is me.”

  I looked down at the table. I couldn’t meet his eyes. I was freaking out inside. The voice shouting ‘run, run away’ was so persistent my knees were quivering in eagerness to escape.

  Before I met Alex, I’d thought I the best way to deal with what happened to me was to burry it deep inside and cut off all contact with the opposite sex. But as I sat on Alex’s sofa, I realised that I would never truly get over my fear until I finally dealt with what had happened. Burying it and running away from anything that would make me remember was not dealing with it.

  Alex had exposed his scars and secrets. Now it was my turn. I knew I had to tell him. I cared about him too much to let the past stop me from loving him. He deserved to know that I also had something locked in a box inside. A secret. A terrible secret. I just had to open that box and let it out.

  “It’s not your fault…” I began again and paused, taking another shaky breath, “…something happened to me when I was twelve. At Dave Matthew’s house.”

  CHAPTER 42

  ALEX

  Hayley hugged her knees to her chest as I sat cross-legged next to her on the sofa. Outside, storm clouds swept in from the east and blanketed the sky with their heaviness. It was only midday but the sky was as dark as dusk. A deep, distant rumble vibrated through the house and fat raindrops loudly announced their arrival as they pelted the window panes. Soon, dozens of miniature waterfalls overflowed the swollen gutters and splashed down into infinity. It was as if the sky had been hoarding its sorrow and once the first drops of moisture escaped there was no stopping the flood of grief.

  I didn’t interrupt. I let her tell me in her own time.

  “My father was an alcoholic and drug addict. He didn’t always drink. When I was little I remember him being happy and laughing and sober. But a couple of years after Mum and Dad converted the farm’s crop from sugar cane to fruit, he started drinking. Fruit trees take longer to mature than sugar cane – years longer – and the years until the first harvest were hard on my parents. The farm was badly debt and we had no money to spare. Mum and Dad both took other jobs to keep us going but it was really tough. The bank sent warning letters and eventually it took its toll on my parent’s marriage. My Dad started drinking and taking drugs. He changed from this peaceful, happy person to someone none of recognised anymore. He would disappear for days and when he did come home it was like he just didn’t care anymore.”

  “Dad and Dave Matthews’ dad, Gary, had been mates since they were kids and we always knew where to find Dad if he didn’t come home…at the Matthews house. Every day Dad would be at the pub with Gary or over at the Matthews house doing whatever drugs they could get. Dave’s mum had walked out the year before and I didn’t go there often after she left. It felt weird. Gary was weird. There was always something off about him. For as long as I remember he gave me the creeps – he’d stare at me in a way that sent shivers up my spine and the older I got the more he’d stare. So I went to the Matthews less and less and after Dave tried to kiss me, I swore I’d never go back.”

  “But a few months later, Dad didn’t pick me up from school when he was supposed to. I waited till it was nearly dark but he didn’t come. Mum and Sean were in Mackay and I had no other way of getting home. So I went looking for him and found him at the Matthews’ house. He and Gary were in the kitchen. They must have been there all day drinking and who knows what else because they were both a mess. It was really late by then and I wanted to go home right away but I knew Dad couldn’t drive, he could barely keep his eyes open. But I couldn’t stay in that house so I convinced Dad to let me drive us home. I was only twelve but I knew how to drive, all of us who live on cane farms learn early and I’d been driving around the farm for years.”

  “I tried to get Dad in the car but he was a zombie, I don’t think he was fully conscious. I couldn’t lift him on my own so I asked Gary to help. He came over but instead of grabbing Dad he….he grabbed me.”

  She paused for a moment and took a couple of deep breaths to calm herself before she continued.

  “He said he just wanted to kiss him. Of course I said no and tried to get away but he was too big. He wouldn’t let me go. Then he started stroking my hair and teasing me saying ‘its one kiss, was I too up myself to give him a kiss?’. I was really scared. Dad was out of it and Gary was all over me and I just knew I had to get out of there before something really bad happened. I shouted at my Dad but he just sat there in a coma while Gary…he…he ripped my shirt put his hands up my skirt and his fingers…”

  Silent tears were running down Hayley’s face and she wiped them from her eyes with her fingertips. She drew another breath to calm herself and looked down at her hands in her lap, her fingers damp with sorrow.

  “It all happened so quickly. And I knew, I just knew, that Dad wasn’t going to stop Gary. I mean, he was just sitting there watching. I was terrified and crying and he did nothing. He just let it happen. To his own daughter.”

  “I knew no-one was going to stop him and I knew that if I didn’t do something then Gary was going to rape me right there in that kitchen while my own father let him. Somehow I think a kind of survival instinct kicked in because I went crazy. I started screaming and scratching and hitting and when he finally let me go I kneed him in the balls and ran. Gary was shouting and swearing at me but I didn’t stop. I ran and ran and ran to Pete’s house and told him what happened. Pete wanted me to tell my mum and I was going to and when she came to pick me up she was already crying so I thought she must have already found out. Instead s
he told me that my Dad had been killed in a car accident. He’d been driving home and crashed head on into a semi-trailer on the highway and was killed instantly.”

  Hayley hid her face in her hands and sobbed.

  “I couldn’t speak for days– everyone thought I was in shock and I was. Not just because of what Gary had done but because I thought…I thought I’d killed my dad. It was my fault he’d been driving. If I hadn’t run away then Dad wouldn’t have driven home drunk and would still be alive. If I’d just gone to Pete’s in the first place then none of it would have happened. I blamed myself for both Dad’s death and for what Gary did to me. I never told anyone since because deep down I think I still believe it was my fault.”

  Hayley wiped the tears from her cheeks but she still wouldn’t look at me. Her face was red and streaked with the evidence of her grief and her pain.

  “I want to get closer to you Alex,” she continued softly, “I want to so badly but I don’t know if I can. I’m scared. I don’t want to be but I am. That part of me is broken and I don’t know if it can be fixed. So I’ll understand if you feel differently about me now.”

  Hayley sat very still, unmoving and silently looking down at her hands for a long time. I knew she was waiting for me to respond but I didn’t know where to start. I wanted to hold her but was unsure if my touch would be welcome. I also wanted to tear out of there that instant and hunt down Dave’s father and kick the shit out of him. I hated seeing Hayley so distressed. I hated even more that she’d been carrying around this terrible secret and I didn’t know how to make it better.