Numb

by Tanya Paterson

  “Please say something, Alex,” she begged, her voice barely a whisper.

  I moved very slowly so she could halt me if she wanted to, reaching for her hands and held them gently in mine.

  “Hayley,” I said, taking a deep breath and willing to get her look at me but she wouldn’t. All I could see were fresh tears sliding down her cheeks.

  “Please look at me, Hayley.”

  Her beautiful green eyes peered at me from under her lashes. They were puffy and red but still so dazzlingly beautiful they made my heart break to see them in so much pain.

  “I love you Hayley Seagrove. Nothing you tell me will change that. And if you let me, I swear, I’m never going to allow anyone to ever hurt you again.”

  CHAPTER 43

  HAYLEY

  Whoever suggested skipping school was fun had never had the day we’d just experienced. Fun wasn’t a word I’d have used.

  I went through a psychedelic range of emotions that day; from the deepest lows to stratospheric highs….pain, hope, fear, love, desire, despair, happiness, anger, lust.

  It wasn’t exactly what I’d call fun. But still I wouldn’t have changed a thing.

  Sometime much later when it was dark and very late, we finally fell asleep on the sofa only to be woken at dawn by a family of rainbow lorikeets screeching in the trees. Alex wearily pulled me up from the sofa, cursing the parrots, and led me into his bedroom where we fell back to sleep on his bed.

  When I opened my eyes for a second time that morning, it was to find Alex quietly watching me. My heart gave a little leap and when I smiled, he softly smiled back.

  “Hey.”

  “Hey.”

  “Are you ok?” I asked.

  “Yes,” he answered, his eyes shining. “You?”

  “Yeah,” I nodded my head and felt a little bewildered that it was actually true. “I am. Actually, I think I’m more than ok.”

  Alex’s eyes twinkled and his mouth lifted in a smile. “Yeah,” he said, “me too.”

  After last night I knew without a doubt that Alex and I were meant to be together. We were like two binary stars, locked in an orbital dance. We were a vital part of each other’s existence. Sure we both had issues and challenges and hang-ups and terrible parents, but we also had each other.

  We lay on Alex’s bed a while longer and I’d almost forgotten about the rest of the world until my phone buzzed on the side table. I didn’t remember putting it there, I thought, before I realised with a shock that there was somewhere else I should be – work.

  “Shit,” I squeaked, lurching out of bed to grab my phone. Sure enough it was Sean. “I’m so sorry. I’m leaving right this minute. I’m at Alex’s and I overslept, I promise I’ll be there in half an hour,” I said, before Sean could even speak.

  “Its ok, Hay,” said Sean with a hint of relief. “I was worried, that’s all. I wanted to make sure you were ok. You are ok, right?”

  “I’m great,” I said, unable to keep the feeling from my voice as I smiled at Alex. He was beautiful first thing in the morning. And he was mine. “I’ll be half an hour.”

  “Great huh? Good. I mean ‘great’. Ok, see you soon then.”

  I ended the call and dragged a hand through my knotted hair in annoyance as I sat on the end of the bed.

  “I have to go. I forgot I’m working today….now actually. In fact I’m – damn it – an hour late.”

  “Do you need any help?”

  I knew what he really meant to say was that he didn’t want us to be apart, even for a single second, because I didn’t want us to be apart either. Even for a millisecond.

  Reluctantly I shook my head.

  “Any other day I would love you to come but today is the show holiday and its going to be manic. And you…” I poked a finger at his chest, “you are too much of a distraction right now.”

  Alex grabbed my hand and kissed it but then let it go. Last night we’d agreed to take the whole touching thing slowly. The spot he kissed tingled and my body told me it wouldn’t want to go slowly forever. I hoped the rest of me would one day comply, and that’s exactly how I would have to take it – one day at a time. Today I was working. But tonight, well, after I met Alex at the Proserpine Show, I’d have all night to experiment with the pace of things.

  Alex walked me to my car and I drove to work with his kiss still tingling my lips.

  Tonight, I repeated to myself. And for the first time, it was excited anticipation, not fear, I was feeling.

  CHAPTER 44

  ALEX

  Dear Mum, Dad and Jeremy,

  I know my emails are few and far between and I do not want to alarm you that there’s anything wrong – quite the opposite.

  Firstly, I want to thank you for sending me to stay with Uncle Charles in the Whitsundays this year. It was the right decision: I can see that now despite my earlier reservations. Charles and Maria have been wonderful in welcoming me into their home and I have wanted for nothing. You could not have chosen better role models to help guide me through this period.

  I want to assure you that I have turned a corner and I am now fully focused on working towards my future. Hopefully someday you will be proud to call me your son. I can clearly see the path ahead of me and I am doing everything I can to make sure that those dreams and goals become reality.

  Your son,

  Alex

  CHAPTER 45

  HAYLEY

  I was late.

  It never ceased to amaze me that Sean managed to run a successful business when he was so lousy at basic things like good timekeeping. Sean had forgotten about a meeting for the new store he was opening in Mackay so I had to stay behind and close the juice bar for him. I knew I had no right to complain as I’d arrived nearly two hours late for work that morning but I was eager to see Alex. He was all I’d thought about all day – I felt like a junkie waiting for her next fix – distracted and anxious. Alex and I had been texting during the day but when I sent the last one to let him know I was running late, my mobile battery died because I’d spent the night at his house and didn’t charge it. I hoped he received my text.

  So by the time I arrived at the Proserpine Show I was ridiculously late. I raced to the spot where we’d arranged to meet but Alex wasn’t there so I waited and searched for his face in the passing crowd. A little later there was a tap on my shoulder and I spun around expecting it to be Alex. I found someone else.

  “Dave.”

  “You just missed Alex,” he said, registering my disappointment.

  “Oh?” I said, confused. How did Dave know I was meeting Alex?

  “He had to bail but he’ll be back in a bit. Come on, I said I’d wait with you at the bar.”

  “What? Wait-” I said, but Dave was already walking off down Sideshow Alley.

  I had a bad feeling something wasn’t right: a nagging uncertainty twisting in my stomach. I thought Alex and Dave weren’t friends anymore?

  “Come on, Hayley. My treat,” Dave called, leaving me no option but to follow him if I wanted to find Alex. So I followed.

  The evening entertainment was in full swing. The sun had just set and the bright lights of the rides and attractions of Sideshow Alley were starting to take on a life of their own in the fading light. Families were making their way towards the exit, carrying sleepy infants and dragging reluctant children home, their hands full of prizes, show bags and toys, over-tired faces smeared with the remnants of hot dogs and fairy floss. For them the day was over but for another crowd it was just getting started. I recognised dozens of faces from school and people who’d been in the years above me and who’d since graduated to uni or jobs or not much at all. Most of the events in the central arena had finished and many of the competitors were now strolling along Sideshow Alley, renewing acquaintances and making the best of their annual get-together.

  Sideshow Alley ran parallel to the perimeter fence of the arena in a great curve from the entrance to the main exhibition building on the far side of the groun
ds. The bar was off to the side of the alley and the campground and animal pens just behind were dark and deserted. As I followed Dave along the alley my ears were assaulted by the cacophony of music blaring from the attractions. Overhead the giant Skymaster swung its long arm out across the path, swooping so low over the heads of passer-bys that the rider’s screams sent shivers down my spine. Next door, the Matterhorn blurred as it spun its passengers in a lopsided orbit, and opposite, the Sizzler twisted in a frenzy of movement while the carriages seemed to nearly crash into each other.

  At the bar, Dave motioned for me to sit down on one of the wooden stumps that functioned as bar stools while he went to buy drinks. My eyes eagerly searched for Alex but I couldn’t see him amongst the crowd and I soon felt awkward and out of place. I usually avoided bars and parties.

  “I got you a vodka,” Dave said, handing me a drink in a plastic cup and plonking himself down next to me on a log.

  I took the cup and held it awkwardly in my hands. What was I doing there? Where was Alex? I was just about to ask when Dave lifted his beer in a salute, nodding to me to do the same. Our cups clunked dully together and when I made to put mine down untested Dave shook his head.

  “Uh huh,” he said, “it’s bad luck if you don’t drink after a toast.”

  “Right,” I said distractedly and on edgy but I took a small sip before putting my drink down.

  I had an uneasy feeling in my stomach. Something didn’t feel right. Alarm bells were ringing in my head but I didn’t have the chance to work out why. Dave distracted me, chatting amiably about school, his plans to go fishing during the two week holiday that started the following week, some program he’d seen on tv. His friendliness was freaking me out. Something weird was up, I could almost taste it. The only think keeping me there was if he was telling the truth and Alex had asked him to wait for me. But when Dave began telling a story about an upset in the wood chopping competition earlier in the day, the uneasiness in my stomach grew into queasiness. Suddenly I didn’t feel very well.

  “Are you ok, Hay? You don’t look so good.”

  “Um, I don’t feel very well.”

  I stood up and immediately was overcome with dizziness. Dave reached out to steady me, catching me before I knocked over the drinks on the next table. I vaguely remember the people sitting there saying something to me.

  “Can’t handle her drink,” Dave offered them by way of explanation.

  What’s he talking about? I only had a sip? I thought before the darkness enveloped me.

  CHAPTER 46

  ALEX

  For two hours, Hayley’s mobile had been diverting to voicemail. I’d tried calling Juicy Bits but that number was unanswered and ringing out. She’d obviously left work but I had no idea where she was and I was beginning to feel concerned. The last I’d heard from her was when she’d texted that she was going to be late. At first I wasn’t too alarmed and I spent the time wandering around Sideshow Alley. But as the minutes dragged into hours, I began to feel increasingly anxious and on edge.

  Where is she?

  The Whitsunday Show was similar to the county fairs at home only on a smaller scale and with typical Australian charm. There were the usual agricultural events – dog shows, livestock competitions – as well as cake baking, art and craft competitions, and of course the carnival rides along Sideshow Alley which was heaving with people. It was at Sideshow Alley that I ran into Dave outside a shooting gallery. He’d been cool towards me since I’d interrupted his fight with Pete but he smiled welcomingly when he saw me. I didn’t like Dave but I’d since then tried to remain civil towards him. However, now that I knew what had happened to Hayley at the hands of his father, I wanted nothing more to do with him. I’d ignored him and was walking away when he grabbed my arm and forced me to stop.

  “Yo Alex. Where’ve you been? You weren’t in school yesterday.”

  “No I wasn’t.” I didn’t elaborate as I shook off his hand and kept walking.

  “Hey, mate, what’s the hurry? Wait up.”

  I ignored him as I wove through the crowd but Dave stuck to my side like velcro, angry at my rude behaviour.

  “I said wait, Alex,” he said, grabbing my shoulder and standing directly in front of me so I had to stop. People flowed around us like a stream around a boulder. I shoved my hands in my pockets and glared at him. I was past caring about keeping on his good side.

  “Chill ok?” he said, holding his hands up in mock surrender. “Look, everyone’s heading over to Macca’s house later if you’re interested.” He tapped the right pocket of his jeans. “I have some extra-special party favourites I’m sure you’ll love.” I guess Dave didn’t get the hint I wasn’t interested in parties or drugs anymore. Maybe he was just being friendly to me because he needed to offload some gear and make some money.

  “No.”

  “Why not?”

  “I can’t.”

  “Why not?”

  “I’m meeting someone.”

  “Who?”

  “Just someone.”

  Dave narrowed his eyes, sizing me up and deciding to drop all pretext of friendliness. “Pete?” he asked, baiting me in a patronising high-pitched voice.

  It looked like he’d decided if I wasn’t a friend, I was an enemy. I’d anticipated he’d be a prick the next time we ran into each other, so I shouldn’t have reacted the way I did. But he pissed me off. I really hated the guy.

  “I’m meeting Hayley,” I admitted, partly to rub it in, partly because I was irritated by his cocky and hateful attitude. As soon as her name slipped out though, I knew I’d made a huge mistake. Dave wouldn’t like me seeing Hayley. He was weird about her, even Pete had said as much.

  “Hayley?” Dave didn’t disguise the surprise in his voice.

  “I have to go,” I said quickly, feeling his eyes bore into my back as I hurried away, with a new sense of urgency as I left him standing there.

  I asked everyone I knew if they’d seen Hayley but no-one could recall seeing her and that made me even more worried as she was pretty unmissable. It wasn’t until an hour later that I ran into Rebecca Anders from our English class who’d said she’d seen Hayley walking towards the bar a little while ago and I immediately raced over.

  The bar was little more than a lumber yard: a roped off square of dirt with rough wooden benches, sawn-off tree stumps for stools and make-shift tables. In the centre, decorated with a string of naked multicoloured light bulbs, was a corrugated iron-roofed shelter that shaded the actual bar. It was rowdy with hearty laughter and people shouting to be heard over the music that blared from Sideshow Alley. Nearly everyone was blindingly drunk and the stench from fresh vomit flared in my nostrils. Thankfully, the dim lighting obscured the evidence.

  Hayley was nowhere to be seen.

  The unease I’d felt all evening ballooned into full-on panic. There was no way Hayley would wait at the bar. Too many drunks and bad memories.

  I felt then that something was really wrong.

  Desperately, I began to search further afield. I made my way past the bar and exhibition pavilion towards the outer fringes of the fair. A workers and exhibitors camp was set up behind the pavilion with rows of motorhomes, tent pitches and a patch of dirt for heartier souls to roll out their swags on the bare earth. It was dark and quiet, the music from sideshow alley muffled by the motorhomes and caravans. I methodically checked each lane, asking the few people I ran across if they’d seen a girl with orange hair but none had. Feeling hopeless, but unwilling to leave any part of the show grounds unsearched, I started towards the animal enclosures along the far side of the grounds. The night pressed in around me as I walked past the pens for sheep and cattle where the animals were still and quiet. Finally I made it to the stables and it was there I heard a noise at odds with the surrounding.

  Dave’s voice.

  What is Dave doing out here?

  I walked around the side of the stable and immediately stopped short as if I’d walked into a wall.
>
  Dave had pinned down a girl on the scraggly grass, kneeling astride her with his back to me obscuring her face. He was handling her roughly while his hands pulled down her leggings, talking to her in a voice that was bitter and full of menace.

  The girl wasn’t moving and it struck me that she should be either returning his advances or struggling or something. Anything but lying there and doing nothing.

  “You’re mine and I’m sick of waiting,” he growled, his voice low. “He can’t have you.”

  And then I knew what was going on.

  “Dave!” I called, knowing that someone had to stop him and I was the only one here to do so.

  His back straightened in surprise or alarm and as he twisted around to face me I glimpsed a flash of colour from behind.

  Orange. Orange hair.

  Hayley?

  “NO!”

  It only took a fraction of a second to take it all in. Hayley was lying in the dirt underneath Dave. Her t-shirt and bra were pushed up under her neck exposing her breasts. Her denim skirt was twisted around her waist and her pants and leggings were pulled down to her knees. Worst of all – she wasn’t moving. I think that’s what scared me most. That she was so still and lifeless.

  And in the second it took me to process all that I also knew what he’d done….

  Dave had drugged Hayley with the Rohypnol.

  I ran to them.

  “You bastard!” I yelled, trying to pull him off her.

  “Fuck off Alex,” Dave spat, reaching out to casually push me away. He was mocking me; treating me as if I was nothing more than an annoying interruption, as if he could do whatever he liked and I was powerless to stop him.

  My anger and fury went nuclear in a nanosecond. I welcomed it. Letting it take over and consume me.

  “Get off her,” I screamed at him, my hands lashing out and trying to punch him off her. “GET YOUR FUCKING HANDS OFF HER!” I felt my blood boiling and incandescent rage ripped out of me like a monster. All the repressed hatred I’d held inside for so long was fuelling my fury. I lost it. I kicked him in his side but it didn’t even make Dave wince – the guy was as solid as a brick barn – it just made him angry.