Hate Me or Love Me

by Ella Miles

  “Just focus on your breathing Victoria. You can do this.”

  I take a deep breath in and out and then I feel his lips back on me again. And I forget about breathing. I forget about anything but him.

  He pushes my legs apart as his cock rests between my legs. His lips and tongue continue to kiss me and I can’t breathe. I need air. He needs to remember that I need to breathe.

  My arms pull hard at the tie, but I can’t get my arms free. My body squirms beneath his, trying to remind him to let me breathe.

  His lips finally leave mine, and I take in a gasp.

  “Do you trust me Victoria?” he asks in my ear, his breath hot against my skin. “Because if you trust me, then you can relax. You can know that I will take care of you and I’m not going to do anything to cause you pain. You can relax and let me fuck you.”

  He kisses my neck. “Do you trust me?”

  “Yes,” I breathe, even though I’m not sure I do. But I want to. Desperately. And maybe this is what I need in order to trust him.

  One word and he owns my body. He kisses every inch of my body, making me squirm and feel electricity I’ve never felt before, even though he’s kissed my entire body before. Somehow the blindfold and being unable to move my arms makes it that much more intense.

  He pushes his cock hard at my entrance, begging me to let him in while he kisses my lips. It feels like he’s asking me to open my heart as well. I’m not sure if I’m ready. Not after everything we’ve been through.

  But as his cock pushes inside me, I know that I’ve let him far into my heart. I love him. I want him. I trust him.

  Three things I’ve never thought I’d feel about Carter.

  A tear rolls down my cheek thinking back to that morning. The sex was amazing, but he was equally as amazing afterward. He fed me breakfast bite by bite. He took care of me. And for once it felt good to be the one taken care of, instead of the one that has to take care of everyone else.

  But it was all a lie. He didn’t really care about me. He just wanted me to sleep with him. And he sure as hell didn’t love me. He isn’t capable of love.

  I stare down at the envelope that I’m sure contains another napkin with another apology. His apologies are good. Seemingly heartfelt even. But they aren’t enough. Not now after everything that has happened.

  My life has changed, but I’m still the same person. I live my life taking care of my family. And even if I can find a way to forgive him, I won’t forgive him for getting me fired and hurting my family. My family comes first. I can’t forgive him for hurting them.

  My heart wants to know that he’s been thinking of me, but instead of opening the envelope, I don’t.

  I stand up and walk to the edge of the railing. I drop the envelope over the edge and let it fall slowly down to the pool beneath. It hits the water and I know there is no going back. It’s soaking wet, even if I tried to recover it, there is no guarantee that I’d be able to read his words.

  It feels right. It feels like after all these months, almost eight to be exact, that I’m finally over him. But the pain still remains.

  He’s ruined my life in so many ways. There is no way I will trust a man, not after him.

  But I’m not done ruining his.

  I pull my cell phone out of my pocket and I dial Lily’s number like I often do every few weeks. I can check in on Carter and earn the paychecks that Lily still sends me by tweaking things to ensure that she stays on top of her game.

  But this time, it’s not just to benefit her, although it will. It’s to benefit me as well. Because I need to see him truly pay for what he’s done to me and my family. He’s never going to stop paying for what he did.

  18

  Carter

  I’m tired.

  So incredibly tired.

  Being separated from Victoria has driven me mad. I can’t keep doing this. Every day that goes by is like another needle getting shot into my body. And after almost eight months of getting stabbed over and over again, I just can’t take it anymore.

  I’ve been sending her almost daily napkins with apologies. I thought sending them would make me feel better, but they don’t. They make me feel worse as I realize just how many things I’ve done to hurt her. I deserve to be in a lot more pain than I am in.

  I thought she would respond. I thought that she would send me a text message. Send me a letter back. Even pass a message along through Logan.

  But she hasn’t. Not one single word. I can’t handle not hearing from her. So even though I have four months left, I need to see her. Now.

  “You’re wearing that?” Lily asks, eyeing me out of the corner of her eye from where she sits getting her hair and makeup done for another show tonight. This one is on Phoebe’s show again.

  I look down at my jeans and buttoned down shirt, the same thing I always wear when we go on television. “Yes.”

  She sighs. “You need to wear something more dressy. This is the last month before the election and I need you to look your best. Go put a suit on. The grey one with the turquoise tie.”

  I don’t argue with her. I’ve found that it isn’t worth it. I just do what she says, whether I agree with it or not. At this point, I hope she loses the election, that way I don’t have to stay with her longer than another month.

  I walk down the hallway to the small dressing room, where I find the suit that she wants me to wear, already hanging on the rack. I put it on, but something doesn’t feel right. It doesn’t make sense why she would want me so dressed up unless something special was happening tonight.

  I get an uneasy feeling in my stomach. Lily likes to spring things on me during the interview, that way I can’t protest what she is saying. I just have to go along with it as true.

  Lily is happier than usual. She’s far too excited about our interview. Something’s up. I just hope I can figure it out before she tells some other ridiculous lie about our relationship.

  Lily slips her hand into mine. I fight the urge to pull my hand out of hers. I still haven’t figured out what she’s planning for the interview, but honestly, I’m not sure I care. Whatever it is, I’ll smile and go along with it. I only have a few months left and then I’m gone anyway. There is nothing she can do to hurt me anymore.

  We are announced and then we walk out, hand in hand, to the couch where we will be interviewed.

  I smile and pretend I’m the happiest man in the world, even though I’m the most miserable one. I’ve gotten pretty good at faking it though. That, or no one really wants to look past what I display on the surface.

  We take a seat, still holding hands. Phoebe starts asking us questions and I let Lily do most of the talking as usual. I’m just here as arm candy. I’m just here to make Lily look better.

  “So you two have more big news to announce? Is it wedding plans?” Phoebe asks excitedly.

  “We haven’t set an exact wedding date yet. I’ve always wanted a summer wedding so maybe June,” Lily says, looking at me with a toothy smile.

  I nod. Thank God she’s not announcing that we are getting married next week. That would be a hard no for me. There is no way I’m marrying Lily.

  “But we do have some exciting news to share,” Lily says, rubbing her stomach.

  No! I scream in my head. She is not going to pull this crap on me. I can’t keep a happy face, I glare at her a little, trying to put a stop to this before it starts.

  Lily grips my hand tighter to try and get me to stop.

  “We’re expecting!” Lily shouts.

  “Oh my god! How exciting!” Phoebe says.

  The crowd cheers and my scowl deepens.

  Phoebe doesn’t miss my change in expression. When the crowd stops she turns to me.

  “Carter, you look less than excited about this news. Care to share your feelings about this development?”

  The crowd falls silent.

  I take a deep breath. “Don’t get me wrong. I’m more than excited to be a father. I just thought we were going to wait a l
ittle while longer before we shared the news. It’s still very early in her pregnancy and a lot could go wrong. I just wanted to share this special time with her in private.”

  “Aw, how sweet. Well, don’t worry. I’m sure her pregnancy will go perfectly and you two will have plenty of intimate time together.”

  I don’t listen to the rest of the interview. I’m too frustrated to pay attention. I don’t know how she came up with this hair-brained idea anyway. There is no way she can pull off a pregnancy. And what’s going to happen when she is supposed to have given birth and there is no baby?

  I look over behind the stage and I see her. Just for a split second. Victoria. She’s here. This was her idea. She’s trying to hurt me. Still.

  She can continue to hurt me the rest of our lives if that’s what she wants, but I would prefer for her to hurt me while being mine. Or at the very least talking to me again so that I can see that she is happy without me.

  The second that the interview is over, I jump up off the couch and run, needing to talk to her again. I just need to hear that she is through with me, if that’s what this is meant to be. I’m tired of playing games. If she still hates me, I need to hear it from her own lips.

  When I get backstage though, I don’t see her anywhere. As usual, she disappeared before I have a chance to talk to her. She ran. Again.

  I run my hand through my hair and take a deep breath. I’m going to find her. This ends now.

  “It was Victoria’s idea, but I’m guessing you have already figured that out,” Lily says from behind me.

  I turn around glaring at her. “I’m done, Lily.”

  Her lips curl up into a sly smile. “No, you aren’t. We are just getting started.”

  “No, I quit.”

  “You can’t.”

  “I just did.”

  She shakes her head and places her hand on my chest. I grab it and remove it.

  “You’re mine, remember? If you want me to keep paying you and Victoria, you will do exactly as I say. I’ll ruin your careers if you leave.”

  I smirk. “I have a feeling Victoria negotiated her own contract that doesn’t include me behaving.”

  Lily narrows her eyes and her smile falls. I know I’m right about Victoria.

  “You’ll never work as a fixer again.”

  “I don’t plan on fixing anyone’s problems other than Victoria’s ever again.”

  “It’s too late. If you leave now, everyone will just think you’re running out on this baby.”

  “No, because there is no baby Lily. You’ll tell them you miscarried and the pain was too much for our relationship. We couldn’t stay together. You might actually get some sympathy votes.”

  I turn and walk away not caring if she follows the miscarriage plan or not. I don’t care if every person on the planet thinks I walked out on a baby that doesn’t even exist. And if the baby does exist, it’s definitely not mine. The only person I care about is Victoria.

  “She doesn’t love you,” Lily says, trying to get one last punch in before I go. “That’s why she came up with this plan. To send a message that she hates you. That she wants you out of her life. She wants you with me.”

  I hesitate for just a second. Lily’s right. I’m sure that Victoria hates me. But we’ve hated each other before, and somehow also loved each other. The hate can still be there, I just hope the love isn’t gone.

  I walk out of the building and straight to the bar that I found her in last time, eight months ago.

  I look into the window and find her sitting in a booth, her back to me.

  I smile and take a deep breath. She may hate me, but she wanted me to find her. She wanted me to fight for her. So here I am.

  I walk into the bar and take a seat across from her at the booth. The table is high, and she leans on her folded arms that rest on the table. She looks different when she looks at me. Her eyes glow brightly. I can’t read her emotions, whether that’s a happy or sad look. Of anger or joy. I can’t make sense of her expression.

  “I missed you, Victoria.”

  She looks down at her hands. “I missed you, too.”

  My heart beats wildly at that. I still have a chance. But this is probably the last chance that I will ever get.

  “Can I get you something to drink?” I ask, hoping that if I get her a drink, then maybe she will stay long enough for me to convince her that she still loves me.

  She shakes her head.

  I run my hand through my hair trying to figure out where to start, but there is no good place to start. So I start with the truth.

  I place the engagement ring that I gave her months earlier onto the table in front of us. I watch her eyes look at it and I swear I see the desperation that she is fighting back. She wants to take back the ring, but something is holding her back.

  “I’m sorry. Truly. If I could take it back, I would. I would take back every drop of pain I ever caused you. Every heartache. Every fear. Every anxiety. I would take it all away, but I can’t.”

  I watch her suck in a breath as she continues fighting her real feelings.

  “You should just go, Carter. There is nothing you can say that will make this any better. Just go.”

  “I can’t. I can’t just go. Not without you—or at least, not without knowing I did everything I could to make it better.”

  I shake my head. “You got me fired. At least six times. How do you recover from that?”

  “With love. Lots and lots of love. Because this is what our life would be like together. Maybe not at this extreme level, but we like fighting; you said so yourself. You like fighting and arguing. I do, too. And I like making it up to you. I’ve heard makeup sex is pretty good, too.”

  She scowls at me.

  “Because you are my whole life. I quit my job today. I passed my company along to my number two, although I warned him that he would struggle to get a job as long as you were working. I’m giving up everything that I thought I ever wanted to have a chance at a life with you. I’ll stay home and cook and clean for you while you go out and live your dreams. I’ll take care of your family. I’ll take care of you. I’ll help you fix your life, like you fixed mine.”

  She doesn’t breathe.

  “I hope you’ve gotten all of my apologies, but I have two apologies left that I need to say in person. One, I need to apologize for making you think I was going to ask you to prom in high school and then asking Lily instead. I ended your relationship with Mark before it started and then prevented you from having a chance at another relationship by starting that nasty rumor. I’m so sorry. If I had listened to my heart, I would have taken you to prom instead of Lily. But I was scared. Lily was easy, she wasn’t real love. But I knew that I could really love you.

  “And two, I need to apologize for what I put your family through by getting you fired. They relied on you, and I hurt them. I’ve already apologized to them, but I will continue to apologize to them over and over again until I make it up to them.”

  She bites her lip and I know I’m starting to break through her walls.

  “How am I doing?”

  “Pretty good,” she says in almost a whisper.

  I can’t hold back any longer, I grab her hands and hold her as close to me as possible, while I lean over the table and kiss her. I expect her to pull away. Slap me maybe. Instead, she kisses me back. It’s a desperate kiss full of hope and need. Our lips crash hard together and our tongues dance together like they’ve never been apart.

  It feels right kissing her.

  Slowly we stop, but we don’t stop holding hands.

  “I’m so sorry, Victoria. Please, let me spend the rest of my life attempting to make it up to you.”

  “I can’t marry you.”

  My heart stops.

  “I’m pregnant,” she says and for the first time, I see the difference in her that I couldn’t figure out before. Her breasts are larger, her face fuller, and I can finally see a bit of her belly protruding out as I glance over the
table.

  I wanted her to move on with her life while I was gone. I wanted her to be happy. She did that. And now, she’s having another man’s baby.

  Anguish doesn’t even begin to touch what I’m feeling. Sadness. Desperation. Depression. Disappointment. Fear. Guilt. Frustration. None of the words fully cover what I’m feeling.

  Hurt. I’m beyond hurt.

  “Congratulations,” I finally say, because it’s what I should say. I should be happy for her. I want to ask who the father is, but I can’t get the words to leave my mouth. It is also clear now why she gave Lily the idea to pretend she was pregnant. Because she, herself, was pregnant.

  I want to scream that this can’t be happening. She can’t have another man’s baby. She should be having mine.

  I grab the ring that is still lying on the table untouched and hold it out to her. “I want you Victoria. All of you. I want your family. Your baby. I want to spend the rest of my life loving you. I want to spend it taking care of you and your family. I would love to do it as your husband. But I’ll take it as your friend. Or if you won’t let me back into my life then just know that I will always be looking out for you. Even if it has to be from afar.”

  She stares down at the ring. “You hurt me, Carter. You’re the only person who has truly been able to hurt me.”

  I watch the tears starting in her eyes. “I thought that by becoming heartless, like I thought you were, would make me feel better. I thought it would make me be able to protect my heart more and, in turn, my family. But sitting here now looking at you, my heart still hates you and loves you in equal parts.”

  “I’ll take the hate, as long as I can take the love part too.”

  She wipes a tear off her cheek. “Can you forgive me?”

  I raise an eyebrow and smile. “You don’t have anything for me to forgive you for. I deserved everything that you dolled out to me in regards to Lily.”

  She shakes her head. “I’m not talking about Lily. I wasn’t going to tell you the truth about the baby.”

  She rests her hand on her stomach that looks larger every time she moves. She must be pretty far along, which means she met the father quickly after we broke up.