Hate Me or Love Me

by Ella Miles

  And then the host says the words that I planted. The words that I’m here to watch. “I hear that the two of you have some big news to share.”

  Lily holds tighter on to Carter’s arm, leaning in like she is really in love. She probably is—or at least, what she thinks is love. “We do have some exciting news.”

  “Care to share?” the host asks excitedly.

  Lily holds out her left hand, proudly displaying the engagement ring that Carter used to propose to me a week ago. “We’re engaged!”

  I carefully watch Carter’s expression. He’s surprised. He raises an eyebrow for a split second when he sees it, and his eyes are a little wider than usual as he stares at the ring on Lily’s finger instead of mine. But he quickly recovers from the surprise. What he doesn’t recover from is the pain. I know he was expecting me to do something, but I don’t think he was expecting that. He looks away from Lily and over to the backstage area where I’m standing, off camera. I look away from the screen to look at him with a smirk. He deserves this. He deserves the pain. He deserves to suffer, being her fiancé. If I get my way, until death do they part.

  “Tell us how you proposed,” the host asks Carter, forcing his attention back to the interview.

  “Oh, it was so romantic! We were in a limo, and…well, things got steamy,” Lily says, fake blushing. “But, Carter, you should really tell the story.”

  Carter takes a deep breath. “I had rented a limo for the night because I wanted everything to be perfect. And it was. We started kissing. Then, one thing led to another, and our clothes were off. She was digging through my pants, looking for protection, when she found the ring. I proposed. But she was more worried about being with me than being very clear with her answer.

  “The limo driver kept driving to our destination—a home that I bought for us to start our life together as a family. And I proposed again on the deck of the house, under twinkle lights and the stars. She said yes.”

  “Oh my God, that is a romantic and steamy story,” the host says.

  Carter smiles, but it’s fake. He hated retelling that story and replacing me with Lily. It hurt. My job here is done.

  I walk toward the exit, feeling the weight of what I just did hit me harder and harder with every step. I just hurt a man whom, despite everything, I’m desperately in love with. A man who, minus a few flaws, is perfect for me in every way. I just ruined my chance at happiness with him.

  I throw the door open and step outside, wrapping my arms around myself, trying to comfort myself, as I walk the two blocks to the nearest bar. I stop outside the bar and turn around, hoping that, just like in the movies, Carter will be there, running after me, about to give me some fantastic speech that will make me feel like we can be together. But he’s not there. No one is.

  I’m all alone.

  I need to get used to it. This is my life now.

  16

  Carter

  The interview ends, but my relationship with Lily is just beginning thanks to Victoria.

  She hurt me.

  It felt like she ripped out my heart and then tore it into tiny little pieces. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t think about anything other than the fact that she gave her engagement ring to Lily. It was a cold move forcing me into a fake engagement with Lily.

  And I deserved every ounce of the pain she caused me. That much I know. Up until a few days ago, I have spent my whole life hurting Victoria. When we were kids I did it because it was fun and I was deflecting from my own pain, but as we got older I realized it was because I cared about her, but I was never good enough for her. But I couldn’t let anyone else have her.

  I couldn’t let her beat me because that would only reinforce that I’m not good enough for her.

  But now, neither of us win. Because we can’t be together.

  I look over at Lily who is showing off her ring to everyone that will look at it backstage.

  I do have a choice. I can tell the truth. I can let everyone know that Lily’s and I’s relationship is a farce. I can ruin my career along with Lily’s and probably Victoria’s. I can be selfish in order to have a shot with Victoria now.

  Or I can do my penance. I can continue to pretend to have a relationship with Lily. Follow the plan that Victoria set in place and then try for a relationship with Victoria afterward.

  I’m not sure I like my odds of either option working out. I’m a fixer. I fix things, but I have no idea how to fix my relationship with Victoria.

  I duck out of the back door while Lily holds everyone’s attention. Apparently, no one cares about the guy in all of this. I don’t know what choice I’m going to make, I just know I need to talk to Victoria. If I can talk to her and see where she is at, then maybe I will know which choice I should make.

  I run down the street hoping that she is still nearby. She would have wanted to stay and watch the interview. I know she would want to see the pain she caused burned into my mind. But I’m not sure where she would go afterward.

  Alone. She would want to be alone. I look into the bars as I walk and stop dead in my tracks when I see her sitting at the counter of an almost empty bar. I grab onto the handle of the door as I watch her talking with the bartender.

  I want to throw the door open and run over to her and carry her out. I want her to be mine. I want her to want me. I want her to forgive me for all the horrible things I’ve done. But I know looking at her now that I can’t. She’s not mine.

  The only way she will ever be mine is to let her go. Show her that I’ve changed. That I would put her first above my own needs. And the only way to do that is to do what she wants. I have to pretend to be with Lily.

  I just have no idea how to earn her forgiveness for all the pain I’ve caused her.

  I take a step back and think about my options. I don’t have many. I duck into the next restaurant and ask the hostess for pen and paper. She hands me a napkin and her pen uninterested in what I’m doing.

  I scribble down a note to Victoria and then give the hostess a twenty to deliver the note to Victoria. I stand outside as the hostess enters, but disappear before Victoria has a chance to come after me.

  I can’t talk to her today. I can’t talk to her tomorrow. I can’t talk to her next week. It’s going to take a long time to undo the damage that I’ve done. But I’m willing to wait. However long it takes. A year. More.

  I want her to wait for me. I want her to think only of me. But that’s not fair. She shouldn’t wait. She should live her life while I do everything I can to make it up to her. Because she deserves to be happy. Even if it means without me.

  It’s been six weeks, twelve hours, and fifty-two seconds since the last time I saw Victoria. And every single one of them has been a living hell. I hate my new life. I hate pretending to care about a woman that I don’t. I hate being paraded out to interview after interview. To event after event like a show pony.

  I hate running my company from a distance, not really able to take on new clients because it interferes with the work I’m doing with Lily.

  But most of all I hate not hearing from Victoria.

  I walk into the bar where Logan works with Lily draped all over my arm. The new shiny ring that I bought her to replace Victoria’s ring sparkling brightly on her finger. I couldn’t really change the style of the ring after she showed it on national television, but I couldn’t spend a year with Lily watching her wear the exact ring that I had used to propose to Victoria with. It hurt too much.

  One year. That’s how long I promised Lily I would keep up this farce. Long enough for her to win, and then we would come up with a reason that I leave her. A drug problem. I cheat on her. Something. I just have to survive one year and then I’ll be free.

  I spot Logan behind the bar and walk over to it with Lily clawing at my arm the whole way. Our bodies don’t sync together like Victoria’s and I’s do, which makes it almost impossible to walk together naturally. We make it to the bar and I pull out a stool and take a seat not bothering to
help Lily with her stool.

  She huffs beside me as she has to pull her own barstool out and take a seat without the help of her charming fiancée.

  Logan smiles as he walks over to us and leans on the bar.

  “Hey, Carter! It’s good to see you in person man. I’m not used to having to turn on my TV in order to see my best friend.”

  I exhale. “Sorry about that. I’ll try to stop by more now that things have settled down a bit.”

  “Can I get you something to drink?”

  “Beer,” I say.

  “Oh good of you to look at me,” Lily says when Logan finally gives her attention. “I’ll have a white wine.”

  He gives me an it sucks to be you look and then turns to get us our drinks.

  “You don’t have to be such a bitch to everyone you know. Logan and I are best friends, be nice.”

  She smirks. “You and Logan are no longer best friends. I own your ass for the next year and I don’t want you hanging with a slum like him. It’s not good for our image as a couple. So you better say your goodbyes now.”

  Her phone buzzes in her purse and she pulls it out and answers in her annoying high-pitched voice before giving me an I’ll be right back look and gets up to take the call away from me.

  I sigh. I don’t know how I was ever able to stand her when we dated in high school. Probably because we just had lots and lots of sex and very little talking. Probably because she was just a distraction from my best friend’s sister that I could never admit that I had feelings for.

  Logan returns with my beer and Lily’s wine. He sets them down on the bar.

  “Where did the evil witch go?”

  “Phone call,” I say drinking down half the beer.

  Logan laughs and pulls out two shot glasses and fills them both with whiskey. “I think you could use one of these.” He slides me one of the shots and takes the other in his hand. We clink them together and down the shots.

  “So what did you really come here for, because it wasn’t to see me,” Logan says.

  I frown. “I did want to see my best friend, but…”

  “But you want to know how Victoria is doing?”

  I nod. “But I shouldn’t know. I won’t be able to keep doing what I’m doing if I know too much about Victoria.”

  Logan laughs. “What are you doing? Because it seems like you are making the biggest mistake you’ve ever made.”

  “I’m paying for all of the mistakes I’ve made with Victoria.”

  “You’re going to be paying for a long time, you made a lot of mistakes when it came to Victoria.”

  “I know. I’m just hoping that I can pay for them within the year. And I have to keep working for Lily. It’s the only way that I and, more importantly, Victoria keeps getting paid for the job that she did fixing Lily’s mistakes.”

  I glance to the lobby where Lily is pacing on her phone. She will be back soon and who knows when I’ll get a chance to talk to Logan again face to face.

  “How is she? I don’t need to know all of the details. I just need to know that she has more than enough money to take care of the family. And that she is happy.”

  Logan rubs the back of his neck and I can see in his eyes that he wants to tell me something, but is not sure if I want to hear it.

  “She’s happy.”

  I stare at my glass of beer, watching the bubbles fizzle as I try to be good. She’s happy. I don’t need to know more.

  “What do you want to tell me?” I ask, not looking up at him because I hate myself for asking about her.

  “It’s not mine to tell. If you want to know more about Victoria, you’re going to have to ask her yourself.”

  “Damn it, Logan! Just tell me. Tell me she’s dating someone else.” I grip the glass too tightly and watch as it crushes in my hand. Little pieces of glass stick to my hand along with the beer.

  Logan shakes his head at me before he walks over and grabs a wet rag, tossing it to me to clean up the mess.

  “Victoria isn’t going to want you if you are a jealous mess. You were the one that decided this was for the best. You decided that the only way to get her back was to put in the work. Then do it.

  “And in the meantime, Victoria is going to live her life. She deserves to be happy. She takes care of all of us. She may be the youngest, but she somehow was always the one that was strong enough to deal with all of our crap. We wouldn’t be here without her.

  “So do the work man, and when you are done, you’ll have Victoria’s forgiveness.”

  “And her heart?” I ask, swallowing hard.

  Logan shrugs. “You’ll either have it or you won’t. But either way, Victoria will be happy.”

  “I need a napkin and a pen.”

  Logan frowns as he moves down the bar and grabs me a napkin and a pen from his pocket and places them on the bar in front of me.

  I start scribbling on it.

  “What are you doing?”

  “I’m starting at the beginning and writing an apology for every time I’ve ever hurt her.”

  I stop writing and Logan snatches the napkin out of my hand and starts reading.

  “I’m sorry for stealing your only barbie from you when we were little. It was mean. I was six and didn’t know better, but it still isn’t okay. I watched you cry and I didn’t give it back. I’m sorry,” Logan reads. He glances at me. “You really are starting at the beginning.”

  I nod.

  He flips the napkin over and I try to snatch it back before he reads the other side.

  “I know you are too old for barbies now, although I’ll send one for Sailor to play with. But for you, I need you to do something for me. I miss kissing you, desperately. Your lips are what I dream of every night. Don’t let your luscious, fuckable lips go to waste. Kiss a stranger, or a lover. Kiss someone for me.”

  Logan stares down at me when he finishes, completely silent. “You really love her, don’t you?”

  I nod. “I think I’ve always loved her. I just didn’t understand how to love someone. I’m still not sure I do. My family taught me how to treat people like shit. And the only way I got out of the situation was by having a ruthless career that took down anyone and everyone in my path. Even Victoria.”

  “Why a napkin?” Logan asks, offering me no comfort. He doesn’t say that I already know how to love, which only makes me realize that taking this time is my only chance at figuring out exactly how to love.

  “Because it’s what I wrote on and gave her the night Lily announced our engagement on television. The night Victoria decided to get her revenge. I could write on paper, but writing on napkins lets her know that I’m thinking about her always. Even when I shouldn’t. Even when I’m just having a drink or grabbing a bite to eat. I’m not just sitting down to write a long note in order to try to win her back when it’s most convenient for me. I’m always thinking of her.” Always, forever, I’ll never stop.

  17

  Victoria

  I hold the envelope in my hand as I walk out onto the balcony.

  I lean over the edge of the railing and take a deep breath as I stare at the envelope addressed from Carter in my hand. I turn it over and over again deciding if this will be the one that I finally just toss into the pool instead of opening and reading. Every time I receive one, which is at least once a week, sometimes more, I do this. I tell myself I’d be better off just tossing them out and forgetting about Carter, but I can never actually do it.

  As much as I want to be over him, I’m not. I bought the house that he proposed to me. I will never stop thinking about him. Never stop loving him. But I need to get over him.

  I look down at Amber and Sailor playing in the pool together. They are happy. Happier than I’ve ever seen them.

  If I’m thankful for one thing about Carter it was his idea to buy a house that we can all live in. That’s what I was trying to do in San Fransisco, but it was too close to our mother. Too close to our pasts that we needed to escape. And it didn’t include
Logan.

  Now all of us live together. I started a PR company and have been teaching Amber and Logan how to work with me.

  And our mother is out of our lives for good after what she did to Amber.

  I take a seat in the lawn chair, still holding onto the envelope. I lift it to my nose and take a deep breath, smelling the hints of his cologne that always seem to rub off onto the envelope reminding me of everything I’m giving up, by giving up Carter.

  I feel his lips on mine and my body immediately wakes up. I open my eyes and stretch, loving waking up to him in San Fransisco.

  “I could get used to this,” I say wrapping my arms around his neck and pulling him into another kiss.

  “I brought you breakfast,” he says.

  I bite my lip. “What if I want you for breakfast?”

  He grins and pushes my arms above my head. “I figured you would say that.”

  “What are you going to do about it?” I tease.

  He reaches to the nightstand where I see he’s made eggs, toast, and bacon. Suddenly, my stomach growls at the sight of food.

  Carter grabs something next to the plate that I don’t realize is a tie until he ties my arms above my head and then to the headboard.

  “Carter, I don’t think I can handle being tied up,” I say, my voice nervous.

  He grins. “I know. You like control too much. But sometimes, this is what you need.”

  He grabs the hem of my tank top and lifts it up, but not all the way over my head. Instead, he lifts it just high enough until it is covering my head.

  “Carter, I can’t see.”

  His lips come down on mine and he kisses me gently.

  “I know,” he says again.

  His lips trail down my chest sending chills all over my body. He’s kissed me like this before, but I’ve never felt such intensity. My arms squirm over my head and my breathing picks up. I love it and hate it at the same time. I don’t want him to stop, but I really want him to untie me and uncover my eyes.