Hate Me or Love Me

by Ella Miles

Instead, I find myself looking around the room. This isn’t a guest room. This is Mila’s room. Or at least, it was. But this room isn’t like the Mila I know now. The Mila who occupied this room was a free spirit. Posters of various bands I’ve never heard of line the walls. Sketches of tattoos she never got are mixed between the posters. There is a lava lamp in the corner and glow-in-the-dark stars on the ceiling. A pile of CDs is piled high in the corner, and a desk sits under the window still covered in textbooks and papers as if she were still studying in high school.

  My eyes keep scanning the room of her youth, but I find no pictures of her family. Only one of her and a guy that looks to be in college, while she seems to be about fifteen. Her hair is blue and purple. Her makeup is dark and heavy. And her outfit looks like she is about to run away with the band. The guy next to her is covered in tattoos with long dark hair. He looks like me if I hadn’t met Abri.

  My eyes scan to her bed that can’t be more than full-sized and is covered in a dark comforter with red throw pillows.

  I laugh. “I think you are going to have to sleep on top of me because there is no way we are both going to fit side by side.”

  She looks at me. Finally.

  I can’t read her expression though. I don’t understand her lack of smile, her breathless expression, or her stillness.

  Finally, she says “This is me. I’m not innocent. I’m not a planner. I’m not sweet. I prefer dark over light. I prefer heavy metal over pop. I prefer tattoos over bare skin. I prefer wild over easy.

  “I’m not your sweetheart. I’m not your baby. I’m not your pretty girl. I’m a wild flame who never wanted to be tamed. But I followed orders. I changed. I became what everyone wanted me to be. The girl who finds a normal life. Graduates college and settles down with a man who can take care of me. It’s not what I wanted, but I’m not sure I can go back to this.” Mila holds her hand up motioning to the items in her room.

  “I can’t be the untouchable girl again with the bad boy boyfriend. And yet, I can’t go back to being the nurse who waits for her knight to come save her. I don’t know who or what I am anymore.”

  Tears threaten her eyes. She’s trying to give me an out. A way to take back my words about being her boyfriend.

  Instead, her words make me want her more. I walk to her, even though I want to run. I pull her into a deep hug as she releases the tears.

  “I want all versions of you, Mila. I want the smart mouth version who calls me out on all of my bullshit. I want the sweet, innocent version who wants to be a nurse to take care of people. I want the wild version who’s a free spirit and prefers tattoos to getting her nails done. I want all of you, Mila. The good, the bad. Your future, your past. It doesn’t matter. I want you.”

  She blinks, and the tears slowly disappear.

  “I can’t date a bad boy again. No matter how badly I want to.”

  I kiss the wetness on her cheek. “Good thing I’m not a bad boy then. That version of me died years ago, just like this version of you. The version you prefer to keep hidden.”

  She smiles. “You are a bad boy, but you are also kind, and strong, and fierce, and loyal, and stubborn, and mine.”

  Her lips crash into mine, knocking me backward as she slings her arms around me. This kiss is different than our previous kisses. Sure our tongues push into each other’s mouths, exploring with such a passion our lips can barely stay together from the force of the kiss. And yes, our hands grip each other exploring each other’s bodies through our clothes. And of course, Mila moans and whimpers while I growl into the kiss.

  But none of those things are what make this kiss different. This kiss connects us in a way that will be painful to break. She agrees to date me with this kiss. Agrees to be mine. She gives herself to me, and I give myself to her. Whatever happens from here on out is either going to be the most wonderful thing either of us has experienced, or it’s going to wreck us. There is no in between.

  “We are really doing this?” Mila asks between kisses.

  “Well, we were doing this, but then you stopped to ask me a question.”

  She laughs and hits me playfully on the chest, knocking me back onto her bed.

  She releases her hair from her high ponytail, letting her locks frame her face. “Yes, we are definitely doing this,” I growl.

  She licks her lips, then grabs the hem of her shirt and lifts, revealing her black bra. Then she slowly undoes her jeans like she’s trying to strip for me again. I’m mesmerized with her body. With everything she does. I have to be hers. I’ve been hers since she climbed on my back after she injured herself on that hike. But I’m not sure she’s been mine until this moment.

  It feels like she has a vice grip on my heart, and if she squeezes too hard, she’s going to obliterate me.

  “Strip,” she commands looking at me with flirty eyes. She stands confidently in front of me in nothing but her underwear and bra. Another reason I’m falling. No matter which version of herself she is, she’s confident.

  I quickly rid myself of my shirt, jeans, and underwear until I’m naked on her bed with a condom I pulled out of my jeans pocket lying next to me.

  She eyes the condom but doesn’t take it initially. Instead, she slowly climbs up the bed between my legs as she eyes my rock hard cock.

  When she reaches me, she kisses the tip far too sweetly.

  I groan. This is going to be torture if we continue moving this slowly.

  She smirks as she lazily rolls her tongue around my shaft, barely touching me at all, but driving me insane all the same.

  “That’s not fair; I never tortured you.”

  She laughs. “You’ve tortured me every day I’ve worked for you.”

  I frown.

  She grips my cock firmly in her hand as she wraps her mouth around the tip. Damn, I about come with just her touch.

  She smiles like she knows the power she has over me. She’s always had it over my body, but now she has it over my heart too. That scares me far more than what she is capable of doing to my body.

  She pumps her hand up and down my shaft with her mouth moving in unison. My eyes roll back in my head as pleasure fills every crevice in my body. I never want this to end, and yet, I want more.

  This isn’t enough. Not for tonight.

  I grab her hand, forcing her to stop, and pull her face toward mine to kiss her.

  “Let me finish.”

  “No.”

  “I owe you after what you did for me in the car.”

  I chuckle, shaking my head. “This isn’t about owing me anything. What I did was as much for me as it was for you. You don’t owe me anything. Ever. Remember that. But right now, I’d really like to fuck my girlfriend for the first time.”

  She smiles and grabs the condom. She rips it open with her teeth and pushes it over my shaft. I rip her panties off and unhook her bra until she is fully exposed to me. I grab her hips and pull her on top of me, but I let her make the final movement on top of my cock.

  She does, sliding over my cock with ease and desire I’ve never felt from her before.

  “I want you so badly, Knight.”

  Her body slides up and down on top of me, making it hard for me to speak as her breasts bounce in front of me.

  “You have me. All of me.”

  Our lips collide again as she rides me like she’s been doing it her entire life. Faster and faster she moves until I’m lost in her. Her red lips, marking me. Her breasts bouncing for me with her nipples erect for me to torture. Her pussy clenching as she slides up and down my length. Everything she does makes my decision more concrete.

  This is what love should always feel like. This. Passion, courage, strength, desire, want, need, lust. But I’ve seen the other side of love. The dark side that is all pain, jealousy, horror, and heartbreak. If love was always this, no one would ever break up.

  “I want this to last forever,” I whisper seconds before I know she’s going to release. My words aren’t a proposal or a promise. They ar
en’t even a declaration of love. But it is the truth. A wish I know is impossible to come true.

  “Then take this moment with you forever, Knight, and it will,” she whispers back softly before digging her nails into my back and kissing me like it’s a competition.

  We both climb higher and higher trying to hold out from coming so this moment can last longer. On any other night we would fuck numerous times, but not tonight. We are too exhausted to go another round. It’s after three in the morning. This is our only shot tonight.

  I bite her lip. She nibbles on my ear.

  I growl, and she moans louder.

  “Come, Knight,” she commands, finally knowing if one of us doesn’t stop this it will literally continue forever because neither of us wants to stop.

  “Not without you.” My thumb presses over her clit rubbing as I buck into her harder. Pulling an orgasm from her as I find my own.

  She falls on top of me and falls asleep almost instantly. I smile, loving her on top of me with my cock still inside her. I hold her in my arms and no matter if my arms fall asleep, my muscles ache, or my body begs me to roll over I won’t. I’ll hold her all night. Because for the first time, I have someone worth holding onto.

  Last night was the greatest and worst night I’ve had in a long time. Great because Mila is amazing. I’ve never felt so connected to anyone. And worst because Mila has never had so many nightmares in one night. I would wake her up and try to calm her down. Remind her that I’m here. That she’s safe. But as soon as she fell asleep again, she would have another nightmare.

  True to my promise, I held her all night long. Through every terror but nothing I did helped her. It was as if this house brought her back to her worst place. And not even I am strong enough to bring her out of it. I need to tell her the truth.

  “Coffee will help,” Mila says still curled up in my arms.

  I nod.

  Both of us are going to struggle to make it through today. Both of us lie in bed for a while longer until we hear Ren’s voice yelling. Until we hear kids feet running, and we know if we don’t get out of bed soon, it’s going to be worse.

  Mila climbs out of my arms and walks over to her duffel bag. She pulls out a sundress. I’m surprised she’s wearing a dress when she prefers jeans anytime she’s not working.

  “I should probably shower first.”

  She shakes her head. “We don’t have time.”

  “What?”

  “My sister will start yelling at us to get out of bed in about five minutes. It’s already after eight. That’s sleeping in, in her view.”

  I frown, understanding why Mila doesn’t get along with her family a little more now.

  I pull out a pair of jeans and a T-shirt that matches the blue in Mila’s dress. We need to be a united front to make it through today.

  Mila bites her lip looking at the clothes I’m holding.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “Did you bring anything nicer? A suit or khakis or a shirt with a collar?”

  “No, I thought this weekend would be casual.”

  “Did you bring a long sleeved shirt?”

  “No? Why would I? It’s eighty degrees outside.”

  She frowns. “Sorry, it’s stupid. My family isn’t a big fan of tattoos, but you know what. It’s fine. They need to see the real you. We aren’t going to hide.”

  I grab the nape of her neck and kiss her trying to take her worries away.

  “Mila!” Ren’s voice rings through the house.

  We both exhale and finish getting dressed quickly before heading downstairs for the trap awaiting us.

  “Good morning,” Mila says to her sister who is standing in the kitchen with a cup of coffee in her hand and a scowl on her face. She’s dressed like we are going to a luncheon. In a curve-hugging dress, nicer than Mila’s. Her hair is curled, and her makeup is full on. I don’t know what Ren’s plans are for today, but I feel very underdressed.

  “More like good afternoon,” Ren snaps.

  Mila ignores her and walks to the coffee pot. I sneak behind her as she hands me a coffee. I whisper in Mila’s ear, “Protect me.”

  Mila giggles.

  Ren snaps her eyes at us like she just caught us making out in her car or something.

  “I’m going to give Knight a tour of the house. Then we can talk,” Mila says.

  Ren narrows her eyes at us in a glare I’m sure is meant to persuade us to stay and talk now.

  But Mila doesn’t back down. She takes my hand and pulls me out of the impressive kitchen that despite its large size, felt tiny because of her sister’s stare.

  “Don’t worry about my sister. She’s a bitch to everyone,” Mila says.

  I hook my arm in hers. “I see why you avoided driving here as long as possible yesterday.”

  She nods.

  “I’ll try to come up with a good excuse for us to leave early. An emergency like my app crashed. Or my dog is missing.”

  “You don’t have a dog.”

  “I could have a dog.”

  Mila laughs. “Thanks, but I don’t think it will work. It’s only two days. We can last that long.”

  I raise an eyebrow in fear.

  She laughs again. “We can.”

  I don’t think we can, but I let Mila lead me through her mansion of a house. It’s beautiful. I don’t understand how someone who came from so much money couldn’t afford college or a place to stay.

  “My parents were broke when they died. Us kids just didn’t realize it. My brother Henry and Ren found a way to save the house. And now Ren can easily afford the mortgage on this place,” Mila answers my unspoken question.

  “How do you feel coming back here?”

  “Like I don’t belong here. All my demons come back when I’m here.”

  I pull her close to me. “Let me help you escape them by creating new memories here.”

  She nods and continues the tour, leading into the children’s playroom.

  “This is Bailey and Camden,” Mila says as two kids come running toward me. “This is Knight.”

  “Cool name,” Bailey says.

  I smile, at least the kids are cool. “Thanks.”

  “Can you teach us to play chess? You can be the Knight!” Camden says.

  “Sure,” I say. I don’t have a clue about chess, but I don’t think I get to be the knight. I’m positive that’s not how the game works.

  I look over at Mila who mouths I’m going to talk to Ren.

  I nod even though inside I’m yelling Fuck, fuck, fuck.

  I don’t want her anywhere near Ren. I want her with me, always.

  I start making up rules for chess, trying to stay focused on the kids, instead of on the voices carrying from the other room. But each word I hear pisses me off more.

  “Mila, how do you get kicked out of college in your last semester? I’m not letting you live here rent free.”

  “Mila, he’s married to Abri. Abri is one of my closest friends. How could you do this to her? You’re a home wrecker! A slut! A whore! Can’t you see you are headed down the same path as before?”

  I can’t take it.

  I move the knight forward on the chess board, and Camden captures it.

  “Oh no! I lose.” I mock getting stabbed and defeated. “I’ll be right back. I need to ask your mother a question. Keep playing.”

  I get up off the carpeted floor and head to the kitchen where Ren is yelling at Mila, and Mila is frozen.

  Shit.

  I walk over to Mila, ignoring Ren’s fierce stares and put my arm around her. “Mila isn’t a home wrecker and she sure as hell isn’t a slut or a whore. I was divorcing Abri long before Mila came into my life.”

  Ren shakes her head, ignoring me.

  “How could you? After what happened with Nasser?” Ren asks staring at Mila.

  I have no idea who Nasser is.

  “That was five years ago. I’ve changed since then. Knight isn’t Nasser.”

  Ren eyes me up a
nd down. “He looks exactly like him except older.”

  She’s talking about the boy in the picture. The same one I thought I looked like.

  “How could you do this to Abri? She was our friend.”

  “No, she was your friend. I barely knew her. And I didn’t even remember her until she reminded me of that fact.”

  “That’s crazy; you have a perfect memory!”

  Mila’s sobbing now, but her voice is stronger than ever. “I have a perfect memory now; I don’t remember anything from before. It’s all a blur up until that night.”

  Ren shakes her head, and I pull Mila tighter, backing her up without saying anything. Just letting her know I’m here for her.

  “And you!” Ren turns her attention on me. Good, it’s me she should be focused on. “How could you do this to Abri? You loved Abri. I saw it the night our parents died.”

  It’s like a ghost returned at that moment. A past none of us realized we were hiding from each other. The one thing none of us have spoken about because we weren’t ready to share. It’s also the one thing that can set me free.

  Mila steps out, away from my grasp. “Wait? You were there?”

  “I can explain.”

  “No, you told me you’ve never met Ren.”

  “I haven’t.”

  Mila looks to Ren who clearly disagrees with my statement.

  “I never spoke to Ren. I might have seen her at the hospital when I was there to support Abri who was supporting Ren in her loss, but I never spoke to Ren, and I don’t remember her. Trust me, Ren is someone I would remember.”

  “Did you meet me?” Mila asks. All of her fury now focused on me instead of her sister.

  I can’t lie. I promised I would never lie. She never asked me before, which is the only reason I didn’t have to tell her.

  “Yes.”

  Mila’s eyes drop in disappointment.

  “Let me explain.”

  Mila’s eyes slowly drift back to mine with wide eyes.

  I don’t wait for her to give me permission to explain, I just start talking.

  “We talked for only a moment. And I didn’t realize I had met you before until—”

  The doorbell rings, stopping my thoughts.

  Ren’s kids start yelling.