Hate Me or Love Me

by Ella Miles

  The world doesn’t stop just because I want it to.

  “I need to make sure the kids haven’t killed each other. Answer the door, Mila. It’s probably Henry. I told him to get his ass here as soon as I realized who Knight was. He’s no knight. He’s Ace the asshole.”

  Ren leaves Mila and me alone in the kitchen.

  I try again. “I didn’t realize I had met you until—”

  Mila ignores me and walks to the front door. She opens it, and I expect to see her brother. Instead, Abri is standing in the doorway looking smug and gorgeous in a black dress.

  I didn’t realize I had met Mila until I kissed her in the hospital.

  Mila turns with a glare in her eye. “I’ll leave you and your wife to talk.”

  Shit, now I’m fucked.

  17

  Mila

  I lock myself in my childhood bedroom. I’m not speaking to Knight or Ren or anyone until I remember. If I’m going to have a chance to recall it, this is the best place to try. Where the darkness started.

  I need to remember that night in order to have a shot at figuring out how I feel about Knight.

  I sit cross-legged on the center of my bed. A bed Knight became my whole world in. And today, he became my nightmare.

  I push Knight out of my head as I close my eyes. Tears have been staining my cheeks since I realized Knight knew me before. He knew me five years ago, and although he never lied, he refused to tell me the truth.

  I wipe the tears on the back of my hand, keeping my eyes closed. Remember I plead with myself, please remember.

  * * *

  “NO!” I scream. My screams mean nothing though. My voice isn’t loud enough to stop it from happening.

  “Nasser, please,” I beg for him. But it doesn’t stop.

  * * *

  I see the bright lights shining at me, almost blinding me. I’m flying. Or falling. I can’t tell the difference.

  I scream, or maybe it’s someone else. Or maybe it’s both.

  * * *

  Beeping from the machine next to me as I’m lying completely broken. Pain is consuming me. Pulling me into a dark hole, I’ll never be able to escape.

  * * *

  “This is your fault, Mila. All of this is your fault. I will never be able to forgive you,” Ren’s voice says over and over.

  * * *

  I open my eyes as I shake on the bed. No memories of Knight flooded my head. I don’t remember Abri visiting me. I don’t remember anything except the pain of what happened, and the guilt of what I caused.

  I could ask Ren to remind me of all the details. Or as many as she remembers, but her story would be confounded with her own pain.

  Knight.

  He’s the only one who can tell me the truth. What he remembers. How we met. Nothing else from that dark day matters, just how Knight and I met.

  Once I know his truth, then I can decide what my next move is. If we can still date after this. If I can still work for him. If we can have any relationship at all.

  Maybe we can start over with full honesty.

  I can’t remember my past, but maybe he can.

  I go to the door, surprised Knight or Ren isn’t already on the other side waiting for me, but the house is eerily silent.

  I walk downstairs and find a note on the counter from Ren.

  * * *

  Took the kids to go pick up Henry from the airport. We will all talk when we get back. And you will fix this before it becomes a bigger problem.

  * * *

  —Ren

  * * *

  I leave the note on the counter and search for Knight and Abri. Hopefully, he kicked her out so Knight and I can talk. I search the living room, office, and kitchen but don’t find Knight anywhere. I’ve been in my bedroom for over half an hour. Abri should be gone.

  But as I walk toward the front door where I left Knight, I know she isn’t. They are yelling, and Knight has Abri pinned against the wall.

  I gasp when I see her through the window beside the door.

  I walk closer because I need to know the truth. Even if this is the only way, I’ll get it.

  I should run away. That’s what the voice in my head says. Run away. Keep your heart from more pain.

  But I can’t move.

  I watch their lips move. I watch the anger explode. And then I hear the words that break me.

  “You killed our baby,” Abri screams as tears roll down her face. I wait for Knight to deny it. I wait for him to yell, scream, argue. It doesn’t happen. Instead, he pulls her to him, and he hugs her as she grows limp in his arms.

  I stumble backward. I hit the glass end table behind me, and we both shatter to the floor.

  “Mila Burns! Can you do…”

  I don’t listen to Ren yelling. It doesn’t matter what she says.

  I can’t be in a relationship with Knight.

  I can’t date him.

  I can’t work for him.

  I can’t be friends with him.

  I have horrible judgment in men. I always pick the bad boys. The ones that hurt me.

  I thought Knight would tell me his story, and we could find a way to heal together.

  But Knight doesn’t get to talk to me.

  He doesn’t get to apologize.

  I’m pulling back my soul, but I’m afraid I’ve already given away my heart. I’m afraid I gave it to him five years ago.

  18

  Knight

  I didn’t get to talk to Mila. I was never let back into the house. Eventually, Henry came out and yelled at me to leave after throwing my suitcase on the front porch.

  I tried calling Mila. Texting. I tried stopping by the house, but she never answered me.

  So instead, I rented a car and have been sitting in it down the block from her sister’s house. Waiting. It’s only been a few hours since I was kicked out of the house, but I know Mila won’t last long in that house.

  I spot Mila’s beat up Subaru barreling down the road. She doesn’t notice me; she’s too focused on leaving. I don’t blame her. She wasn’t kidding when she said her family didn’t know her or appreciate her.

  And I became the asshole she always thought I was right before her eyes. I don’t know what Mila’s siblings told her. Or what Abri might have said. Or what nightmare Mila has come up with in her head. I deserve all of her wrath.

  I start my rental car and zoom after her. I watch her the entire time back. I make a note to fix the bump on the back of her car where she backed over my motorcycle. But mostly, I just watch her drive away from me and hope, despite the tears I assume are continuously falling from her eyes as she drives, that she will give me a chance to explain.

  I’m surprised yet happy to see her park her car in front of my apartment building. I take my time following her inside. If she knows I’ve been following her the entire time she might run off.

  I open the door to my apartment cautiously, as if a lion might attack if I open it too quickly.

  “Mila?” I say as I step into the bedroom.

  She slowly steps out of the closet.

  I suck in a breath when I see her. She’s wearing one of my T-shirts along with a pair of jeans. Her face is puffy but her eyes determined.

  “I’m sorry,” I say, knowing those are the first words that need to leave my mouth.

  She holds up a hand, stopping me from moving or speaking.

  “I’m leaving.”

  I close my eyes to keep my pain in. “Mila, please. Can we talk first? Give me a chance to explain why I didn’t tell you we’ve met before. Then you can decide what you want to do.”

  “No, I don’t want to talk. I’ve talked enough. I’ve heard enough. I quit, and whatever it is we are doing, dating or fucking, we are done.”

  She steps back into the closet, and I can’t help but fight for her. I would do anything for her.

  I stop at the closet’s edge as I watch her throw her clothes into her duffel bag.

  “Stay, please. I’ll sleep in the gu
est bedroom.”

  She continues packing.

  “I’ll sleep at Cole’s place.”

  She starts throwing shoes into the bag.

  “Let me pay for a new place for you to stay.”

  Her head snaps to me. “So you can keep tabs on me and know where I am?”

  “No, I’ll give you the cash. I just want to make sure you’re safe.”

  “I’ll be fine.”

  She picks up her duffel bag, slings it over her shoulder, and storms out of the closet to the bathroom.

  She starts tossing various other toiletries into the bag. Hairbrush, straightener, toothbrush. But then she stops and faces me.

  “I can’t remember.”

  My eyes widen. “I know. You have a perfect memory of everything else. You remember phone numbers, statistics, names, and spreadsheets. I know you would have remembered me, no matter how short of a time we met. I know you can’t remember.” Even though I wish you would. Or maybe I wish she could forget.

  Her eyes pierce mine, and I stop talking. I don’t get to talk. Only her.

  “I only remember bits and pieces in my nightmares. Never the full story. I only know what the newspapers wrote about that night and what my family told me. I know I fucked up then, but I’m not going to repeat my mistake by falling for another asshole.”

  I nod, understanding but wishing I could help her fill in the gaps. The problem is I have gaps too. Not because I forgot, I could never forget her, but because I wasn’t there. And she never told me what happened. All I know is I’m the one that fucked up, not her.

  “I can’t remember,” she repeats. “It’s like my brain shut everything off before that night. And my perfect memory now is a coping mechanism to flood out the memories from before. If I’m preoccupied with remembering my present, then I don’t have enough space left to remember my past.”

  Mila looks at me like she wants me to talk, but when I open my mouth, she shakes her head and moves past me. I follow her as she heads downstairs to the kitchen. She walks to the fridge pulling out a bottle of water and drinks it like it’s her life savior. The only thing keeping her alive. Finally, she stares at me.

  “I heard you and Abri.”

  I swallow hard, the lump in my throat growing large as her words penetrate through me.

  “Abri told me you beat her.”

  I close my eyes, wishing there was something I could say to make her realize the words Abri said weren’t true. But I don’t deserve to get to defend myself.

  “She said you killed your baby.”

  I close my eyes. There is nothing I can say to refute those words or make my own pain lessen enough to be able to talk.

  “Goodbye, Knight.”

  Mila walks to the door, but I can’t let her leave. Despite the pain I feel every time I think of losing my child, I can’t let that pain overwhelm me and cause me to lose another person I love.

  “Wait,” I run to the door and put a hand on it, stopping her from leaving.

  “No words I say will be enough to make you change your mind about Abri and me, but I can tell you one truth. I didn’t realize who you were until I kissed you in the hospital and from that moment on, I realized you could help me. I was selfish. I wanted your help to take down Abri. I created a plan to sell the company to Cole to ensure she got nothing. But I thought you could help me take more from Abri because you had a connection to her when you were younger through Ren. I’m so sorry for using you. I never wanted to hurt you. I thought I could help you.”

  I suck in a breath.

  “But I don’t care about any of that anymore. I don’t care about hurting Abri. I don’t care about my company. I don’t care if I go completely bankrupt. All I care about is you. I lo—”

  “Stop.”

  “Mila please, let me finish.”

  “No. Most women could give you a second chance, but I can’t. Not with my past. I can’t afford to give out second chances.”

  I’m frozen watching her leave. I consider chasing after her and forcing her to hear my words. I consider locking her in my bedroom to know she’s safe.

  I do neither. I’ve made too many decisions about her life without her input. I cost her her career. I forced her to live with me. To work with me. And brought up a past she clearly needs to keep hidden. Whatever happened that night, it’s worse than I thought.

  I need to let Mila Burns go. I need to give Abri whatever she wants to ensure she stays away from Mila. Then I need to get drunk and forget the last five years ever happened.

  I don’t know how long I stand in the entryway staring at the door. Five minutes, an hour, or ten hours. But eventually, I realize I should have gone with the option that involved forcing her to stay. Because I realize too late where she’s most likely sleeping tonight. In a cheap motel room or her car. I gave her a couple grand, but that’s all the money she has. She doesn’t have another job, although I will gladly give her the money I promised her if she will take it. But even the couple grand I gave her she won’t spend out of principle.

  She’ll sleep in her damn car.

  I jerk my phone out of my pocket and dial Lana’s number. She’s the only friend Mila has that she keeps in contact with.

  “Hello? Who’s this?” Lana answers.

  “Lana, this is Ace Knight. I’m Mila’s um…”

  “I know who you are. And no, she’s not here. She’s not allowed on campus because of you.”

  “I know, and I’m sorry. I fucked up. I want to make things right, but I can’t do that if I don’t find her.”

  Pause.

  “Her favorite place to sleep in her car was on Walnut Street, by the Old 17th Avenue Bridge.”

  “Thank you, Lana.”

  I drive to the spot Lana gave me, but I don’t find Mila. I drive to the office and question everyone I can, but she’s not there. I get desperate and call Abri, but she doesn’t answer me.

  Cole.

  I dial his number.

  “Hello,” Cole answers.

  “Is she there?”

  Cole swallows.

  “Fucking, answer me, Cole. Is Mila staying with you?”

  “Yes.”

  “I’ll be right there.”

  “No, Knight. You won’t.”

  “You’re not fucking my girlfriend.”

  Cole sighs. “Go to sleep, Knight. Give Mila some space.”

  “No, I need to be there for her. She can’t sleep without me.”

  “She’s sleeping just fine. I’ll watch out for her though, and make sure she doesn’t get any nightmares.”

  “Cole! You fucking bastard.”

  Silence. He ended the call.

  I slam my phone down. Cole’s my friend. He won’t hurt Mila, but Mila might try to use him to hurt me. To make sure things end permanently between us because she knows I can never forgive her if she sleeps with my best friend. And she can’t forgive me for keeping the truth from her.

  I’m fucked no matter what happens.

  19

  Mila

  I open my eyes slowly like I’ve been asleep all night. I don’t think I slept more than five minutes at a time without a nightmare impeding my sleep. I’ve been lying in Cole’s bed for the last hour awake, but unable to convince myself to get out of bed or even open my eyes.

  I swing my legs over to the side of the bed to force myself up, taking a break from trying to sleep.

  “Umf.”

  I retract my legs as I hit a lump on the floor. I turn on the lamp on the nightstand and look down to see Cole lying on the floor.

  “Morning,” he says rolling over.

  I tuck my legs underneath me as I sit on the edge of his bed.

  “You shouldn’t have slept on the floor.”

  He cracks his neck as he sits up. “You were having nightmares. I didn’t want to leave you alone.”

  “You could have slept in the bed with me.”

  Cole shakes his head as he laughs off my statement. “No, I couldn’t. Not if I w
anted to keep breathing after Knight found out.”

  “He wouldn’t find out.”

  “Knight is my best friend. I would never betray him. Even if he deserves it.”

  Cole stands up.

  “You’re a good man. I’m sorry I ever thought differently.”

  Cole shrugs. “Don’t worry; I can be as much of an ass as Knight is.”

  I smile.

  “Breakfast?”

  “Sure, what do you have?”

  He frowns. “I think I have cereal, although I don’t think I have any milk.”

  “Do you have coffee?”

  “Yes, that I have.”

  “That’s all I need.”

  Cole smiles and starts walking toward the kitchen in his low riding sweatpants and T-shirt. I wait until he leaves to climb out of bed. I’m still wearing Knight’s T-shirt. I don’t know why I put it on in the first place other than I needed to feel close to him. I needed to smell him. I needed to know we still share a connection despite how much I hate him.

  I’m wearing shorts underneath his T-shirt, but they aren’t visible since his shirt fits more like a dress than a shirt on me.

  I walk into the kitchen, and Cole only stares at my bare legs once before he sets a cup of coffee in front of me. He also pours me a bowl of Cinnamon Crunch cereal.

  “Knight would kill me if he found out I didn’t feed you.”

  I sigh and pop a couple of pieces of the sweet cereal into my mouth. I should have snuck into Lana’s dorm room. Then I wouldn’t have had to talk about Knight.

  “You’re staying here until you can afford your own place. I’m not arguing about it. And if you think Knight is bad, I’m worse when it comes to being a controlling prick. If I find you sleeping on the streets, I will drag your ass back here and lock you up in my bedroom.”

  I smile. I don’t plan on sleeping on the streets again. I only did that once during the summer between freshman and sophomore year. My scholarship didn’t cover summer dorm rooms unless I was taking summer classes. I was stupid and thought I could find a job and a cheap place to live easily. I was wrong on both accounts.