Numbers

by Laurann Dohner

  He spun. “You were mine!”

  She nodded. “Always.” She took a step closer. Breeze tried to hold her back by gripping her arm but she tugged free. “Stay out of this. Please. This is between him and me.”

  He glanced at Breeze. He saw sadness in her face, and understanding at the tragedy of what had been their past. She held his gaze, seeming to judge his mood. She wanted reassurances that he wouldn’t attack. He knew that, sensed it.

  “I’d never,” he swore.

  Breeze backed up. “Torrent? Jinx? Hallway, now. We’ll be right outside the cracked door but close enough to come in here if needed.”

  Jinx moved. “I have to make a call.”

  He was going to share his and Candi’s history. It was procedure. Hero knew that. The NSO watched out for their own.

  Torrent bristled. “I think one of us should stay closer.”

  Breeze growled. “They don’t need us here at this moment. Get to the door.”

  Torrent stared at him, looking grim.

  “I won’t hurt her,” Hero swore. He’d already done that once. The image of her lying in a pool of blood was still the thing of his nightmares.

  Torrent hesitated a second more but then left with Breeze and Jinx. They didn’t fully close the door. He finally allowed himself to look at Candi. She watched him with deep sorrow. He could relate.

  “I understand.” They were difficult words to speak, but the adult in him won out over the youthful, heartbroken male he’d once been. “I might have done the same to save you, if I’d been forced to decide.”

  “Can you forgive me?”

  He answered truthfully. “I don’t know. It’s still a raw wound. I am sorry you suffered.”

  She reached up and wiped at her tears. “Can I hold you?”

  “No.” He couldn’t allow her to get that close.

  She reacted as if he’d struck her, actually flinching. He hated having that effect on her, but didn’t think he could withstand her touch. There were too many painful memories attached to it. He was still digesting that she wasn’t dead and the full knowledge of what had happened that day she’d stepped into his room with the stench of a male coming from her. It had totally masked her scent, strong enough that he’d known she’d been mounted. She had belonged to another instead of him. At least, that’s what he’d believed she’d come to tell him.

  “I need time.”

  “Time?” Her expression changed to one of raw anger. “How long has it been since we saw each other? Do you know? There was no sense of time where I’ve been, but I know years have passed. I see it in your face, and my own. We’ve aged so much.” She took a ragged breath. “They stole our future together. I hate time. It passes so slowly. Every second seems like a minute. Every minute, a week. Every week, a month. Every year, an eternity. I’m right here. We’re alive. You’re in front of me. Don’t do this.”

  “Do what?”

  “We’re alive,” she repeated. “Nothing is stopping us from being together. It’s all we ever wanted.” She stepped closer. “I’m right here.”

  “Everything has changed,” he whispered, almost wishing it wasn’t true.

  She staggered a little. He tensed, wanting to go to her, but held back when she stabilized her balance. An agonized whimper came from her, the hurt reflected on her face, in her eyes.

  “You share your space with a female?”

  She thought he was in a relationship. “No.”

  “Have you mounted females?”

  He debated answering, not wanting to hurt her. He knew that kind of pain and had lived with the memory of betrayal. It was hellish to feel the burn of jealousy and that kind of rage, to know another had touched what belonged to him.

  His silence seemed to tell her what words couldn’t. She spun away and hugged her middle, bending a little as if it caused her physical pain. He found himself halfway across the room before he brought his need to console her under wraps. He backed up, his hands clenching into fists.

  “I thought you were dead. Dr. C told me I killed you.”

  “Of course.” Her whisper came out so softly that he barely heard it.

  Guilt and regret mingled, knowing of the suffering she must feel, but he couldn’t handle it so he stuck to talking about the past. “The chain…” He shuddered at the memory of all that blood after she fell. “I just wanted to get to you. I didn’t mean for it to strike your head.”

  She reached up and touched the old scar, and then quickly dropped that arm to hug her middle again. “I know you didn’t mean to do that. You wanted my throat.”

  He flinched. “I did.” He wouldn’t deny it. “I wake up in a cold sweat often, wondering what I’d have done if I’d reached you. I just know for certain what I did when you fell and I saw your blood.”

  “Did it help you heal?”

  He snarled.

  She spun, looking at him.

  “Is that what you think? That I watched you bleed with satisfaction?”

  “It was your right.”

  “I lost the ability to think.” It was an easy admission. “They took the only thing I cared about and my mind couldn’t take it.”

  “You wanted to kill me. I understood. I still do.”

  “I threw myself on the floor to reach you since my leg chains wouldn’t allow anything else, and dragged you closer, begging the technicians to get help. I’ve never been so afraid in my life. I put pressure on the wound, trying to stop the bleeding. I would have died to exchange places with you. I prayed to that god you told me about that they’d be able to fix you so you’d be well. The sight of you on that floor bleeding killed my rage. It gave me fear and loathing of what I’d done. Not one day has passed where I have found peace or forgiveness for believing I’d killed you.”

  “Until now. I’m alive.”

  “I’m glad.”

  “You would never harm a female.”

  He closed his eyes and clenched his teeth. “I’ve killed females.”

  He heard her sharp intake of breath. It was his burden of guilt to bear for the rest of his life. Candi being alive was just one less, but there were others.

  “I don’t believe you.”

  He met her beautiful gaze. “Some of the techs took me from Mercile to another place. It was a very dark time in my life. They brought me a human female for a breeding experiment. The doctor in charge knew of our past and figured I’d accept one since I was raised with you. They were hurting her. I could hear her screams from where I was kept. They injected her with drugs that would make her more fertile and then brought her to me. She was hysterical, hurting herself trying to get away from me by smashing her body against the bars. I felt the monster they claimed me to be.” He paused. “I didn’t do it because I hated humans or that female. I snapped her neck.”

  He braced, waiting to see her sickened expression. It would set her free of him though, learning the truth. She wouldn’t want to be anywhere near him.

  “You didn’t want her to suffer.” She offered sympathy instead.

  “How do you know that?” It surprised him. Even other Species had been wary, asking him questions when they learned what had happened after he’d been rescued with Tammy. They’d understood, and told him to forgive himself, but Candi should have been appalled. She’d been treated better than a Species, but less than human at Mercile.

  “I know you. You’d never take a life for no reason.”

  Her trust in him, her faith, humbled him. “They would have killed her anyway. I could hear them talking. Two of the males planned to rape her when her use was up. They didn’t believe the drugs would work to make it possible for them to successfully breed us. One of them was sick in his mind, boasting about the pain and humiliation he’d cause her. I didn’t want to add to her pain by making her endure me first. I was also afraid the drugs might work. No child should be created and have to face what they had in mind to do to it. I made it painless and fast.” He fought nausea. “Then they brought me another. I did the
same to her. The third was different. She smelled of a Species and I let her live because she asked me to. We spoke and I had hoped that we’d be freed. Her mate came hunting for her.”

  “You mounted a female who belonged to another male?”

  That seemed to shock her more than him admitting to the lives he’d taken. He shook his head. “No. We were able to survive until Tammy’s mate found us.”

  The silence between them became uncomfortable. He wanted to know about what had happened to her after she’d been taken away, but he wasn’t sure he could handle the answers if they were too terrible. All he knew was that she’d been kept in an asylum. Those were places they kept humans with disabilities of the mind.

  “Do you want me to leave?”

  He was confused and lost. “I don’t know what I want.”

  Chapter Four

  Candi knew she should leave. She wasn’t welcome but she couldn’t find the desire to go. The man she loved stood eight feet away and all she wanted was to throw her arms around him. It was everything she’d fantasized about, if she could go back in time before his supposed death. It had kept her strong when she felt weak, courageous when she’d been terrified, and whole when she knew inside that her sanity seemed to be fracturing into a million pieces. To get revenge for his loss had been her motivation to live and keep fighting.

  “I killed.” He didn’t seem to believe her. His expression was half frown, half scowl. “That’s how I escaped. It was the doctor who kept me locked up. She was taking me out of the asylum to the woods to kill me after Christopher died. He couldn’t pay her anymore to keep me prisoner so she had to get rid of me. I stabbed her in the chest. You might have killed to spare suffering, but I did it for payback.”

  “You killed?”

  She paused, giving him time to absorb that information. “I also knew the chances of me being caught before I could find Homeland were higher if she lived. She would have had orderlies hunting for me. I won’t lie though. It felt good to kill her. I hated her. It was mostly rage. I could have locked her in the trunk or tied her up after the first time I hurt her, but she deserved to die. I don’t feel guilt.”

  He still didn’t seem convinced, but said nothing more, just studied her, his gaze roaming up and down her body.

  She glanced down, trying to see what he did. She had lost a lot of weight. “They kept me heavily medicated most of the time. I slept for so long, in and out of it. It’s tough to eat when you can’t even walk. They used to give me shots, but then switched to pills because my veins weren’t accepting the needles as well. I’d try to hide the pills at first, not knowing it would make me sick.”

  “You’re sick?” He didn’t look happy about that news.

  “My body became addicted to the drugs they’d been forcing into me. I didn’t understand why I was sweating, throwing up and shaking. I felt so bad. That’s how they’d catch on that I wasn’t taking them. Withdrawal, they said. I learned to take one of their pills, and then skip the next until I could hide the sickness. I tried to escape a few times after my mind cleared somewhat, but I was always caught. I couldn’t get past the walls. They’d put me back on the shots, and I’d lose more time until they’d switch back to the pills. I’d have to start all over again to wean myself.”

  “You saw Doc Trisha?”

  “Yes.” She smiled. “She doesn’t think there is damage to my internal organs. They ran tests. I’m sure I’m okay, but she wants to wait for more results. She is worried because she doesn’t know which drugs they gave me, and she is trying to determine what the drugs did to me since I was on them for so long.”

  He stepped closer. “Did they feed you in Medical?”

  “Yes.”

  “Are you still hungry?” He glanced at his kitchen. “I have food here. I could make you something. I learned how to cook.”

  That was remarkable. “You did?”

  He nodded, seeming to ponder something. “You were locked up this entire time?”

  “Yes. It was a room about a fourth of this size. Just a bed, and one tiny window with bars. The glass didn’t open.” She glanced at his couch. “May I sit?”

  “Of course.”

  That was good because she was emotionally and physically drained, but she wouldn’t admit that to him. She didn’t want to remind him how much weaker she was compared to him at that moment. It was bad enough being human. She sat and looked at him. The genetically enhanced always respected strength.

  “There was a tiny bathroom with a shower stall, a sink and toilet. They didn’t let me out of that room unless the doctor keeping me there wanted to see me in her office. I think Penny was afraid I’d talk to people if she let me have access to other patients and staff. Anyone who started to ask questions about me was reassigned to somewhere else.”

  “You were all alone?” Some of the tension eased from his body.

  “I only saw people when they came in to feed me or give me drugs. There was the cleaning female. She’d mop the floor once a week and change the bedding every other day. They told her not to speak to me though, and only sent her in after they’d drugged me. I’d pretend to be asleep, or they’d have her change my bedding while I showered. One of the orderlies would guard the bathroom door to make certain I couldn’t talk to her while I was more with it.”

  “They watched you shower?”

  She nodded. “Yes. I wish I could have slipped down the drain to escape, but they actually acted as if it were possible.”

  That muscle in his jaw clenched. “Male guards?”

  “Yes.”

  He growled. “Did they abuse you?”

  She knew what he really wanted to know. “I wasn’t force mounted.”

  “Did you allow—” He sealed his lips.

  “Did I willingly allow someone to mount me? No. I’ve only been…” It was her turn to go silent, struggling to find the right words. The situation hadn’t been forced since she’d agreed to share sex with the feline, but she hadn’t wanted to do it either. “Just that once at Mercile.”

  He took a seat in a chair that was far from her. “That’s good.”

  “Yes.” She knew what he meant. Her hell hadn’t involved physical abuse. Just silence, sleeping and fighting drug addiction. She looked at him longingly, where he sprawled in that chair. She wanted to go over and curl up on his lap and hold him close. Some of her fondest memories were of being in his arms. He wouldn’t welcome her.

  He noticed the way she looked at him. “We shouldn’t discuss this if it makes you sad.”

  “Who replaced me?”

  His body jerked upright and his eyes narrowed. “What?”

  “Who is your female now? Is she kind? Does she make you laugh?”

  “It’s not like that.”

  “How is it?”

  He looked away from her, glancing at everything else. He didn’t answer. It hurt her heart. He didn’t deny that he’d mounted a female, and she knew he had from before, from his silence then. This just confirmed it all over again. He finally met her gaze.

  “You should allow Breeze to take you to the women’s dorm. You probably need sleep.”

  “I have slept long enough. I try to stay awake as much as possible. I don’t want to miss anything.” She figured he might understand.

  He stood. “I need to pack. I’m leaving for Reservation.”

  She didn’t know where he was going, but it was away from her. “Please don’t.” She wanted to beg him to stay with her. She just needed to look at him, assure herself he was real and not a figment of her imagination.

  “I must go.” He took a step back. “I didn’t expect this, and I’m having a difficult time thinking.” His voice rose. “Breeze?”

  The door opened and the female entered. “Yes?”

  “Please take her to the women’s dorm and make sure she eats and sleeps.”

  Breeze glanced at her, and then walked over to him. She invaded his personal space, putting one hand on his shoulder, and tugged him down eno
ugh to put her face closer to his. The words she whispered into his ear were too soft to hear, but all Candi noticed was that he allowed that female to touch him. It tore at her. It wasn’t jealousy but pain at his rejection of allowing her to do the same.

  Whatever Breeze said angered him. He turned his body, pressing closer to the female, and whispered in her ear. She caught what he said.

  “You can’t keep me here.”

  They were almost hugging as Breeze hissed something back. The tone was there, but the words lost. He growled in response. Breeze whispered again. He jerked away and stormed into another room. The door slammed. Breeze sighed and came closer.

  “Stubborn, stupid male.” She took a seat on the coffee table. “He’s scared and trying to run. That shower he just turned on isn’t going to cool his temper either.”

  “He won’t forgive me.”

  “For what?” Breeze reached out and patted her leg. “I got the gist of that. You had to let a feline mount you to save Hero’s life when you were at Mercile. He went insane when he realized another male had claimed what was his, and he somehow hurt you.” She glanced at her head.

  “He didn’t mean to. The chain snapped from the wall so there was a few feet of it attached to his arm and it whipped out, hitting the side of my head while he fought to free himself. It just split the skin and gave me a concussion. I healed fine with just a scar. My hair covers it.”

  “He’s a good male. He feels such guilt about everything.”

  She believed that. “I know.”

  “Does he frighten you?”

  She shook her head. “I’m just terrified he’s never going to forgive me. He’s still everything to me.”

  “I can see that. I just told him it would be best if he remained here at Homeland to care for you. He’s the male who was raised with you. You’re very fragile right now, Candi. The years of drugs they forced you to take and lack of regular meals has left you underweight and weak.”

  She couldn’t deny those facts. Her body wasn’t in the best shape, but her mind was solid. “I’m strong inside. I’ll eat lots, just the way Doc Trisha said.”