Fumbled Hearts (A Tender Hearts Novel)

by Meagan Brandy

  I clamp my mouth shut tight, my eyes widening, but it’s too late. He caught it and a deserved, condescending laugh leaves him as he shuffles back.

  “Wow, Mia.” He shakes his head at me, his dark eyes pinched, disgusted. “I thought maybe you were hurting because she was, or upset with her because she took off and left you. And you’re questioning me about not asking her, not believing in her?” He scoffs, opening his door. “You’re as bad as I am.”

  “Where are you going?”

  He stops and looks at me with narrowed eyes, but they quickly turn defeated. “To find out where she is. I’m gonna go to her, and beg her to forgive me; to keep me.”

  My jaw begins to tremble as tears threaten to fill my eyes. “How are you going to find her?”

  “By starting in the right place. The only place that makes sense.”

  My pulse starts pounding against my ribs. Already knowing the answer, I ask anyway, “And that would be?”

  He gazes at me for a moment. “I’m gonna ask the one person who, as much as it kills me to say, I know would never turn his back on her, not like you and I did.”

  My breath is stolen from my lungs, and I’m left frozen in place, feeling more conflicted than before.

  Nate’s words ring true... he’d never give up on her.

  With my truck in park, I sit idling in front of his house, wondering how the hell I let things get this far, if we can ever go back, and even worse, if I’m too late. If she’s realized who else has been in front of her all this time.

  “Fuck!” I hit the steering wheel, dropping my forehead to rest on the grip.

  “You’re not my type.”

  I jerk upright at the intrusive voice, finding a smirking Parker poking his blond ass head in my passenger window, scowling when I realize what his comment was.

  He laughs goodheartedly, holding his palms up for a moment before leaning into the truck window. “Too soon?”

  I scoff, facing forward. “Yeah, man. Too fucking soon.”

  I look back at Parker, and see the duffle bag around his shoulders. Glancing at his truck, I notice the few garbage bags and boxes in the back.

  He follows my line of sight, and bobs his head, looking back at me.

  “California?”

  “Oceanside, to be exact.” He studies me for a few moments, looking me over, before landing on mine. Waiting for the only question he knows I’m dying to ask. So I do.

  “How is she?” My chest tightens, anticipating his response.

  Aggression, judgment, confusion, and years of friendship pass through his eyes, but ever the golden boy, he settles on relief, and understanding.

  “Damn, man.” Parker drops his bag, pulls the door open, and jumps into my passenger seat, throwing his head back against the headrest. “She’s fucked up. Pretending she ain’t ’cause I’m-” he winces. “’Cause no one’s around. These last few weeks though, something’s shifted in her tone. Still sad, but…something else, too, that I can’t quite put my finger on.” He looks over at me. “She won’t say it. She won’t lie, so I haven’t flat out asked her. Don’t want to force her to talk about it when I know she’s not ready.” His eyes don’t narrow. They stay focused, clear.

  Message received: She doesn’t lie if you give her the chance to tell the truth.

  I’m a fucking idiot.

  “I can hear it in her voice, Nate. She’s miserable.” He looks away, not willing to show me the pain the thought causes him.

  “Why didn’t you say something to me, man?”

  He gives me a sharp look. “She’s better than that. Deserves someone who realizes it on their own. Not someone who has to be reminded or convinced.”

  I know he’s right.

  He laughs lightly, like a weight’s been lifted. “I’m glad you’re sitting here right now, though.” He looks at me and an understanding passes between us.

  He cares about Kalani. He’d protect her from anything he could. Even me.

  “You didn’t sleep with Liv that night, did you?”

  “Nah, man.” I drop my head against the seat. “I never touched her. Never even considered it. I didn’t even know she was still in my room, let alone fucking naked, until I walked out of the bathroom to answer the door. Then, when I saw her lying on the bed, I…used it to hurt Kalani. To try and make her feel a fraction of what I was feeling. It was so fucked up, dude.” I groan.

  “Real fucked up,” he agrees.

  I explain that night in Mexico, and the mind games from Liv that led to it. I tell him about Ashley and Jarrod, and the recordings.

  I pour my fucking heart out to the guy in love with my girl.

  “Damn.”

  “Yeah.”

  The silence stretches longer than it should. Blowing out a breath, I turn to my friend. “I need to go to her, Parker. Talk to her, if only to say I’m sorry.”

  He stares at me for a few seconds, then steps out of the truck. “You’re right. You do.” He grabs his bag off the ground, turning back to me. His eyes give nothing away, but I know this isn’t easy on him. If he helps me, he knows what that means for him. But again, he’d never do wrong by her, especially for personal gain. “She’s perfect, you know that, right? You know she deserves so much more than the shit she’s been dished?”

  I nod. “I know. Trust me, Parker. Please.”

  He casts his eyes to the side for a moment, before bringing them back to me. “Can you be ready in an hour?”

  My body tenses. “Don’t fuck with me, dude,” I plead.

  He grins, but his eyes are sad. “Nate. I’ve been waiting for you to get out of your own head for weeks.” He looks me in the eye, all joking aside. “I’m about to lock up. I’ll meet you at your house. Then, we’re headed west.” He smacks the roof and walks off, as a thought pops in my head.

  “Hey!” I lean forward, shouting out the open window. “Can you help me with something?”

  He nods, not needing to know what before agreeing, and disappears into his house.

  Calling my dad, I tell him my plan and ask him a favor, then toss my phone in the middle console.

  Within an hour, Parker and I are on the road.

  “Get your speech ready now, Monroe.” He turns up the radio and leans back. “It’s a long ass drive, but that shit might take some rehearsal time.” He cuts me a grin, quickly focusing back on the highway.

  This is it, my Hail Mary.

  I’m going to California.

  “Shit.”

  Checking my phone for the hundredth time in the past hour, I sigh when I see a blank screen. Still no text from Parker. He was supposed to let me know when he hit I-5, so I could plan ahead and be home by the time he got there, since the distance between the stadium and the beach house I purchased is a good forty minutes.

  Now I’m not cookin’ him shit.

  “Whatcha huffin’ and puffin’ about over there, young one?”

  Pausing the submission video, I turn to my CEO, aka my grandpa’s oldest friend. “Just ready to see Parker today. I need someone to compare stats with, since you’re goin’ senile and all,” I tease, offering him an overly exaggerated smile.

  Last year, when I sat down with Mr. Marshall, he let me know he was too old, and too tired, to keep going any longer. Running the headlining sports photography company will do that to a man. Not to mention his standing in for me as the co-owner of a professional football team.

  He nearly had a stroke when I told him I named my best friend, an eighteen-year-old high school senior – graduate, as of three days ago - his successor. But like he said; he’s old, tired, and his wife wants him home.

  He’s never complained though, and the omission weighed heavy on his heart.

  Mr. Marshall’s round belly bounces, his laugh lines on full display. “You’re a spittin’ image of your mama.”

  I shrug, sinking behind my coffee cup, and press play on another highlight reel.

  “You planning on watching all of those?” He motions to the box of se
aled yellow envelopes sitting on the ground by my feet.

  “It’s only fair.”

  He nods proudly. “You’re all heart. Just like your grandpa was.”

  I bite the inside of my cheek to keep in an irritated sigh in.

  This sort of thing happens a lot. He never did it before, and while he means no harm, just the sentiment of an aged man, I’m not sure I like it. But the very day I decided to get to work, to get myself acquainted with what will be the rest of my life, he started making some sort of connection between me and my family on a regular basis.

  I asked him about it once, in a moment of panic, and he said the second I walked through the door, he knew I was much lighter. He said my eyes no longer carried the weight of the ocean, but the breeze in the sky.

  I’m not quite sure that’s true.

  I feel heavy.

  Being here, at home, at the company, and on the field; it’s a lot to take in. A lot to process when you’ve denied yourself the thoughts for so long.

  Truth is, it fucking sucks.

  I’m trying my hardest to push back the memories, but this entire place is full of nostalgia, and I can’t shut it down. It won’t work. The feelings, they won’t go away, won’t lessen, or give my mind a break. I run and run, and I still can’t escape myself.

  He opened me up to the good, the bad, the ugly. Gave me no choice in learning the great, all-consuming, soul-binding warmth I never knew existed. Never wanted.

  Nate opened up every piece of me, forcing me to feel every single nerve in my body. Every beat in my heart.

  And now I can’t forget it. Can’t turn it off.

  I’ve got blisters on my feet and a hole in my heart. The only thing that helps in the slightest is pouring myself into other young and hopefuls while I wait. Dare I say, hope.

  I shove some envelopes in my bag and shuffle toward the door. “I’ll call you later, Al. Have fun with those.”

  I hear a deep laugh and a mumbled “Brat” on my way out.

  Once in my car, I pull my phone from my pocket, and see a text from Parker, saying he’s in town.

  Smiling, I let him know I’ll meet him at home.

  It takes me forty-seven minutes to get to the beach house from the facility, so by the time I’m rounding the corner, Parker’s truck is already sitting in the driveway.

  I park hastily behind it, squealing as I rush out, nearly getting strangled by the seatbelt in the process. Running around the front, I find my blue-eyed best friend smiling at me. He holds his arms out and I jump into them.

  He swings me around, squeezing me tight, and a chuckled sob breaks from my chest, causing him to squeeze me tighter.

  “Ugh.” I laugh lightly, pulling back to wipe at my stupid eyes. “It’s like, once the floodgates are opened, there’s no stopping ‘em.” I smile through my slight discomfort.

  Parker’s chest inflates with a deep breath, and he nods, reaching up to run his knuckles over my cheek. His sky-blue eyes roam my features, too many emotions to name flashing across his face. “That’s a good thing, Lolli Bear.” He smiles. “I missed you.”

  I grin, going in for another hug. “I’ve missed you, too, Hero. So much.”

  “You look even tinier, if that’s possible.”

  I shrug, pulling back. “Yeah, I’ve been runnin’ a bit more than normal, I guess.” When his brows pinch, I continue, “That’s one of the reasons I got this place. There are always people running up and down the shore line, no matter what time of day it is.”

  He nods.

  I smile and shove his shoulder. “Stop it. I’m good, and now you’re here, so I’ll be better.”

  His eyes cut to the left then back quickly, a nervous air crowding him. “You will be better, Lolli.” When my brows knit, he smiles, but it doesn’t quite meet his eyes. He laughs, shaking his head. “Hey, what did you want to show me?”

  A huge smile takes over my face. “Oh man, Parker, it’s amazing.” I walk past him into the house to set my keys down and he follows.

  Walking backward, my eyes grow big. “The back patio is small, but a hundred yards each way is ours! It’s the best view this side of the ocean. So open and free.” I sigh, picturing it.

  His steps are too slow to follow, so I walk to him, tuck my arm in his, and pull him along.

  “It’s so gorgeous,” I push the sliding door open, not bothering to close it behind us. “Right off the porch, there’s a small hillside that dips down into flat, white ocean sand, and get this -lavender! I think the previous owners must have planted it. I’ve been using it on my calves.” We step off the first step and I lose some of my focus. “Um, there’s this huge pergola covered in solar lights that turn on as soon as the sun starts to set over the ocean. I want to put some-” I stop short, halting our footsteps, and look around me.

  Parker tenses slightly, but nudges me forward.

  My heart rate spikes.

  When Parker winces, I look down to see my nails are digging in into his arm.

  I stop.

  I know this feeling. I recognize it in an instant.

  The hairs on the back of my neck stand up, my pulse quickens, and I feel like I just got off a roller coaster. I force my breathing steady and mentally slap myself, commanding my feet to move forward.

  Inhaling as much air as my deprived lungs will allow, I hold my breath, take the last step to the edge of the hillside, and my feet give way, my body dropping into the sand.

  “Shit, Lolli!”

  Right there, under my pergola, is a beautiful, aged white wood, held up by triangular posts on each side, two metal chains hanging from the small beam above it.

  Nate’s swing sways in slow, gentle motions, with the help of the soft ocean breeze.

  I stand, holding a hand out to stop Parker when he tries to help.

  Moisture fills my eyes for the thousandth time since I left, but this time for a very different reason.

  I knew he’d come.

  Both hope and fear swim through me.

  I take hesitant steps closer, eventually making it to the novelty that feels like it holds all the answers.

  Biting the inside of my cheek, I reach out and run my fingers over the wood, my throat burning.

  “Lolli…”

  The soft whisper from behind me has me squeezing my eyes shut, my fingers clutching at the seat.

  Warm arms wrap around my stomach, and a soft kiss lands on my temple. “Don’t be scared, Lolli Bear,” he whispers, squeezing me gently.

  My body shakes slightly.

  Parker sighs, softly spinning me in his arms to look in my eyes.

  He’s right; I’m scared, but not quite for the reason he assumes.

  “Do you trust me?” He tilts his head, his blue eyes clear and understanding.

  I nod.

  He smiles, pulling me in for a hug. “I love you, Lolli. Trust me, okay?”

  “I do.” The pressure on my chest builds.

  “I’m going to take a shower and then take a nap.”

  I nod, but grip his shirt tighter. He lets me hold onto to him for a few more moments, then gently pries my fingers off the cotton material and steps back. He gives me a small nod, hesitates for a second, then walks back to the house. I watch him till he’s gone, then turn back to the swing.

  I wrap my fingers around the cold medal, closing my eyes as I lower myself into a sitting position.

  Tears roll down my cheeks before I can stop them, and I don’t bother to wipe them away.

  For the first time in years, I feel like I’m home. Like right here, in this spot, is where I belong.

  But now comes the part where I’m forced to face reality, face the scary parts of life head-on, completely unprepared and unaware of how things will go, or what will happen next. All the things I make it a point to avoid.

  My problem is, I don’t know where the line of deception and deceit meets loyalty and faithfulness, but I never pretended to know how a relationship worked. With Nate, I learned daily how to be wit
h someone I cared about, but that doesn’t mean I knew how to act in a moment of panic and tested trust. I didn’t know that meant that staying and fighting, demanding to understand, was what I was supposed to do. I was so used to the fallout, I didn’t know reconciliation was even an option. All I knew was bad shit happened and you dealt with it. My newfound emotions got the best of me, so I shut that shit down, made a bad move, and walked away without a fight, without showing him he was worth it. Worth more.

  But once the fog cleared, it was so obvious. It didn’t take long for me to put the pieces together. All the stolen glances, the deliberate touches and grins. The faux friendliness and playful banter.

  Those fuckers set me up. Set us up.

  Sure, we fell for it, but who wouldn’t?

  As soon as I stepped foot in the stadium, looked down from the owner’s box at the empty grass, I knew I was caught in a twilight zone of fuckery. I knew none of the things running through my mind were true. There was no way.

  Nate would never. The bitch obviously ambushed him in his room, made it seem like the unimaginable to me, and I fell for her illusion.

  He may have not given me a chance that night, but I failed him in that moment, just as much as he failed me.

  We got caught in the trap they set.

  Clever fuckers, they were.

  At that point, my only option was to figure out how to fix it. I thought about turning around and going back, but I couldn’t. Not then. Not when it would have been a battle of doubt and betrayal.

  First, I had to find out what had actually happened.

  That took some serious digging, but after replaying some scenes in my head, I knew who to go to.

  I never intended to ruin someone else’s relationship just to save mine, but like I’ve always said, honesty is key. If you’re a lying prick, then you should have to deal with the fallout from it.

  Ashley cried when she figured it out. I hated to have to ask her, but I needed to know what they did to Nate. First, she got mad, called me a liar, and stuck up for her man, unlike me. Then she called me crying, apologizing for things she had no control over.