A Christmas Star

by Thomas Kinkade

  Sam nodded, still looking dumbfounded as they stared at the check again. Jessica would never understand her mother in a million years. She would never understand life. How she could be so downhearted and hopeless one minute, and so buoyed up and renewed the next.

  Bad things happened sometimes; that was inevitable. But good things happened, too. Sometimes it was hard to remember that. She decided one resolution for the New Year would be to try to take a more philosophical view and to hold on to a more thankful perspective.

  IT HAD BEEN A LONG DAY FOR EVERYONE, JACK THOUGHT, ESPECIALLY little Kate, who had woken up at daybreak. Now, it was only early evening, and Kate was already rubbing her eyes and asking for her story.

  “Sure,” Jack said. “Go get your book.”

  They sat together by the fireside, and Jack read one of the new Lester books aloud while Kate sat in his lap and the stuffed Lester sat in Kate’s lap. She had hardly let the toy rabbit out of her sight all day, and Jack felt gratified that his gift had been such a big success.

  This story was about Lester’s family looking for a new rabbit hole. They faced some difficulties—mud sliding in and interference from other animals—but in the end, they found the perfect, cozy underground nest.

  Lester helped, of course.

  “That was a good one,” Kate said, yawning. “Now Lester has a home with me. I’ll take him everywhere.”

  Kate’s promise made Jack sad. This was their last story time together. Tomorrow Kate and Julie would be off to Long Island. Along with Lester.

  It had been such a joyful day that he had kept pushing those thoughts away, denying it would really happen. It didn’t seem real. Even as he helped Julie tuck Kate in for the night, he still couldn’t face it.

  “Go to sleep, sweetie,” Julie said as she shut out the light. “We have a big day tomorrow.”

  He followed Julie downstairs. She started to pick up in the living room, but he took her hand and drew her to the couch. “Come here, that can wait. Sit down with me a minute.”

  She looked at him shyly and let him lead her to the sofa, where they sat side by side. Jack put his arms around her. He kissed her forehead but purposely avoided her tempting mouth.

  “I’m not a big talker,” he began.

  “Yes, you’ve told me that,” she said with an amused smile.

  “Not about . . . personal stuff, I mean.” He struggled, trying to find the right words. This was so hard. “Julie . . . you must have figured out by now how I feel about you. It must be pretty obvious.”

  He looked into her eyes. Her look of amusement was gone. She looked serious—and surprised. And full of anticipation, he thought.

  “How do you feel about me, Jack?”

  He swallowed hard. “I think you’re wonderful. You’re . . . amazing. I’ve never met anyone like you,” he said honestly. He stroked her hair away from her face. “I care for you, Julie. I really do. You and Kate, you’ve changed my life completely, and I don’t know how I can ever thank you.”

  A veil dropped over her expression. A subtle thing, really. But the look of anticipation he noticed just moments before had vanished. She looked down at their hands, twined together.

  “There’s no reason to thank me, Jack. You’re the one who’s done so much for us. Not just letting us stay here these past weeks, but the way you’ve treated Kate. And me. I was such a mess after the divorce. I felt so bad about myself. But you’ve always acted as if everything I do is so special. That’s meant a lot to me, Jack.”

  “Everything you do is special.” She was perfect in his eyes. He loved her. He just couldn’t say it out loud.

  “You sure fooled me,” he went on, trying to glide over the awkwardness. “You always seemed so positive and fearless, confident. As if you didn’t need my help, or anyone’s.”

  Julie gave him a rueful smile. “That was just an act for Kate, I guess—and for myself, to keep from falling apart. But you gave us the time here, and things started to shift. I feel so much better about everything now. Though it’s going to be hard living with my brother in New York, I think I can do it and pull my life together. That’s what you’ve really given me, Jack.”

  It took a moment for her admission to sink in. He never thought he was giving her anything. To him, it all seemed the other way around.

  He let out a long breath. “I . . . I don’t really want you to go,” he said finally. “You know that. But I don’t think you should stay here, either. I’m just not sure I can ever give you what you need, Julie. What you really deserve. You need someone different from me, someone . . . younger, who hasn’t been through so much.”

  “Jack, you’re not old. I don’t know why you always say that.” She rested her hand on his chest and sighed. For a moment, he thought she was about to argue with him, but all she said was, “If that’s the way you feel, I understand.” She gave a little shrug. “Maybe it’s just bad timing for us—too soon after losing your wife.”

  “Maybe,” he agreed.

  He wanted with all his heart to ask her to stay, but he just didn’t think it was right or fair of him. If he let her go now, Julie would find someone better, someone younger. Someone more like her, alive and engaged in the world.

  “It’s probably not the best timing for me, either,” she admitted quietly. “I’m just getting over my divorce, and Katie has been through so many changes. You and I haven’t really known each other very long. If things didn’t work out, it would be hard—hard for us and for Katie.”

  Jack nodded. He had worried about that, too. “I understand. I wish you didn’t have to go,” he finally admitted. “But I would never want to hurt or disappoint you. You or Kate.”

  He stared into her beautiful brown eyes and told himself he was doing the right thing. Someday she would look back on this moment and be grateful she hadn’t stayed.

  He didn’t know what else to say. He leaned over and kissed her. He tried hard to control his emotions, but it was no use. The way she responded didn’t help. A wave of pent-up love and desire swept through him. His kiss revealed everything inside, all the feelings he didn’t dare put into words. Their embrace was passionate and heartfelt but also bittersweet, both of them knowing this was really a farewell and not the start of anything.

  Slowly, Jack pulled away. He risked one more look into Julie’s eyes, and he saw her own disappointment and aching sadness. A sharp wave of regret sliced through him. He never meant to make her sad. He had thought he was the only one who was giving up so much.

  Julie had deep feelings for him, too. He finally knew that.

  And it was too late. It seemed best now to just leave things as they were. To let her go tomorrow, as she planned, to start her new life.

  This time together had been just a resting place for her. And a special gift for him.

  He held her in his arms a moment longer, not yet willing to let her go. The lights in the room were low and as he looked out at the fire and the Christmas tree lights, he felt his vision blur.

  He didn’t want to cry in front of her. Get a grip, Jack, he told himself.

  A knock sounded on the door, shattering the silence. Jack jumped up and walked to the foyer to answer it. “I wonder who that could be,” he said, wiping his eyes and nose quickly on a hanky.

  He pulled the door open. A young man stood on the doorstep. He wore a military uniform. The cap shadowed his face in the porch light. He stood tall and strong, staring at Jack.

  Jack blinked. His eyes were playing tricks on him, his vision still blurry from the waterworks over Julie.

  “Yes? Can I help you with something?”

  The young man smiled hesitantly. “Dad, don’t you recognize me? It hasn’t been that long.”

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  JACK PRESSED HIS HAND TO HIS HEART. “DAVID?... IS IT really you? I don’t believe it.”

  David took a step forward. He stood near Jack awkwardly, looking as if he wanted to embrace his father, but not knowing if Jack would allow it.

>   Jack threw his arms around his son and hugged him, practically lifting the young man right off the ground.

  He felt himself simply fall apart, and he started sobbing, his head dropping to David’s shoulder. “David, my boy. I didn’t think I’d ever see you again. . . . ”

  David hugged his father back. “I’m sorry, Dad. I’m really sorry. I’ve been such a jerk.”

  “Come in, come in.” Jack pulled his son inside and wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. “Julie, come here. You won’t believe this. You won’t believe who’s here. . . .”

  Julie walked in from the living room. She smiled with a curious expression. Jack felt suddenly awkward. He didn’t know how David would react, finding his father with an attractive woman. Would he think Jack was being terribly disloyal to his mother’s memory—sitting here with a strange woman on Christmas night?

  But David didn’t seem to think that at all. He stepped forward and smiled, politely extending his hand. A real gentleman now, Jack thought with amazement.

  “How do you do? I’m David Sawyer, Jack’s son,” he introduced himself.

  “I gather that,” Julie said with a grin. “I’m Julie Newton, a friend.” She glanced at Jack and he smiled back, struggling to get his emotions under control again.

  “Julie’s been staying here the last few weeks with her daughter. She’s been working at the tree lot,” Jack explained. “They’re leaving for New York tomorrow,” he added.

  David glanced into the living room, his gaze lingering on the tree and all the gifts piled underneath. “Looks like you’ve had a good Christmas.”

  “We did,” Julie said. “The best.” She gave Jack another smile; she looked genuinely happy for him. “I’d better turn in now. We have to get up early tomorrow. And you two must have a lot to talk about. Nice to meet you, David.”

  “Same here,” he said.

  She touched Jack’s arm as she passed by on her way to the stairs. “See you tomorrow, Jack. Good night.”

  Jack said good night to her and watched as she disappeared upstairs before turning back to his son.

  “Come into the kitchen. Can I fix you something to eat? We have a lot of leftovers from dinner. Julie made a roast goose. Ever try that?” he asked David eagerly.

  David shook his head. “No, sir. But I am hungry.”

  Of course he was, Jack thought. Some things never changed.

  Jack reheated the food and served David, barely able to keep his eyes off his son. He kept wondering if he was imagining the whole thing. He knew he wasn’t. It was just that he had imagined David returning so many times that seeing him again now felt as if he were living a dream.

  He sat across the table from David while he ate. He didn’t want to overwhelm the boy with questions but couldn’t help asking what he had been doing, where he’d been. David didn’t seem to mind. He seemed eager to fill Jack in on the time they had been apart.

  “I traveled south first, down to Florida. You know how I always fantasized about living someplace with palm trees.”

  “Sure, I remember that. You started to hate New England and the cold.”

  “I worked construction jobs mostly, pretty low on the food chain. I didn’t have any real skills like carpentry or an electrician’s license. It’s hard to break into those unions.”

  Jack opened a beer and offered one to his son. David was certainly old enough now. “Did you stay in Florida?”

  “No, I got tired of it. I went to Louisiana and Texas next. Then up to Colorado and west, to California and Washington.”

  “Wow, you put on some mileage. Did you work construction in all those places?”

  David shook his head. “Those were the good jobs. I had some awful jobs, too, and I didn’t find work at all some places.”

  Jack hated to think of his son wandering around, out of work, possibly even homeless. “Why didn’t you get in touch? Why didn’t you call when you needed help?” he asked. “Why didn’t you at least just let me know you were alive?” He didn’t mean to sound angry, but emotion took over all the same. He stopped himself and sat back. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to lose it. I’ve just been . . . upset, worrying about you. It’s been on my mind all the time, night and day. Since the day you left.”

  David looked at his father with amazement. “You’ve never apologized to me before for losing your temper. Not once. Do you know that?”

  Jack sighed and shook his head. “You’re probably right. I’m not going to argue about it. Maybe I’ve learned a thing or two, living alone these last two years. Maybe I’ve had some time to think things over. But you did some shouting, too, as I recall.”

  David nodded and pushed back from the table. He sipped his beer. “I did. I know that. I was angry about Mom dying. You seemed lost on your own planet of pain, Dad. You wanted me to act differently or something. I don’t know. I couldn’t handle being here anymore, with her gone. I had to go. That’s all I knew. I didn’t think too much about it when I left.”

  Jack didn’t answer for a long moment. “You’re right. I was on my own planet. I can see that now. But why didn’t you ever get in touch? I mean, after all this time. You seem to have grown up, David. You seem like a real man to me now. You must have realized I was worried to death about you.”

  David sighed. “Well, I did. That’s why I came back. Mostly why,” he added quietly. He looked up at Jack again. “After I left, I guess I was just being stubborn or something. Trying to teach you a lesson, Dad,” he admitted. “Trying to get back at you for not understanding me. I also thought you were so angry at me that if I called, you would just yell at me over the phone.”

  Jack blinked in surprise. Didn’t David know how much his father loved him? I guess not, he realized. Maybe kids never do—until they have their own kids.

  “I guess I deserve that,” Jack said finally. “I haven’t always been the most understanding guy. So, you signed up to be a soldier,” he went on, carefully keeping his tone calm. In truth, though, he felt anything but calm about the sight of his son in uniform.

  David laughed. “I didn’t know what else to do. I thought at least I’d get some structure in my life and maybe an education someday.”

  Some structure and an education. Isn’t that what his parents had been offering him his entire life? Jack had not gone to college himself but had always encouraged David to continue after high school. But David had argued about that, too, and brushed off his schoolwork, though he was certainly smart enough to get good grades.

  Jack held his tongue. It wasn’t the time to rehash that old story. What had happened in this house when David was a teenager was now . . . irrelevant, he realized. The sight of the uniform seemed to underscore that point.

  “How do you like the army so far?” he asked instead. “Are they tough on you?”

  “Basic training was tough. They made me work. They make you sweat. I had to grow up pretty quickly. And you know something?” He laughed, a sound that amazed Jack, at once both strange and familiar. “I had this sergeant during training. He was just like you, man. He looked like you, he walked like you, he even sounded like you.”

  Jack grinned. “Sounds like a great guy. I bet he taught you a lot.”

  “He was okay,” David said, his smile subdued now. “I have to tell you, I felt like someone was trying to send me a message.”

  Jack felt himself relax. “Looks like you heard it.”

  They moved into the living room and talked for several hours more. Jack was careful to sidestep the old touchy subjects and also to remember that David was no longer the moody eighteen-year-old who left home. It wasn’t that hard. David seemed so much easier with Jack and with himself, all the old rebellion melted in the time he had been away.

  Jack couldn’t get enough of his son. He didn’t want to let David out of his sight, as if David were a dream that would disappear with the dawn. But finally, they both admitted to needing some sleep.

  “You take your old bedroom,” Jack insisted. “I’ll sta
y out here on the couch.”

  “No, Dad, it’s okay. It’s too late to start messing around like that. Just give me a pillow and some blankets, I’m fine out here.”

  Jack didn’t want to do that. He wanted David to be comfortable. But after arguing a few more minutes, he finally gave in.

  “Okay, but just for tonight,” Jack said. “Then you take the room. I’ll clean it up for you tomorrow.” His son had become so sensible and mature. “How long can you stay?” he asked suddenly.

  David looked at him and then looked away. “A few days. I have to report on January one to Fort Bragg in North Carolina.”

  “Are you being reassigned there?”

  “Not permanently. My unit is being sent to the Middle East, to Iraq, Dad.” David paused and met his father’s gaze. “That’s another reason I came home to see you.”

  To say good-bye, Jack realized. He sat down heavily. He felt shaken to the core and wanted to grab his son again and hug him to his heart. His boy, the child he had held in his arms as an infant. The boy he had taught to walk, to ride a bike, to swing a baseball bat—going off to fight a war? It didn’t seem possible.

  David crouched down next to him and touched Jack’s arm. “Dad? Are you okay? Do you want some brandy or something?”

  Jack shook his head. He glanced at David but still couldn’t speak.

  “I didn’t mean to shock you like that. . . . I wasn’t sure when to tell you,” David admitted.

  Jack sighed and covered his son’s hand with his own. “It’s okay. There wasn’t any good time to deliver that news, believe me.”

  David just nodded.

  Jack stared straight ahead and took a long breath. “We’ll talk more in the morning, son. I’ll get you some blankets and stuff for the couch.”

  He walked back to his room to find some extra bedding. It was funny how God gave with one hand and took away with the other.

  He had waited so long to see David again. Now, here he was finally, home again. But maybe for the last time.

  After getting David settled and saying good night, Jack lay in bed, staring at the ceiling. He was exhausted but couldn’t sleep. The night had been a roller-coaster ride of emotions.