A Christmas Star

by Thomas Kinkade

  There were no solutions. You just had to grasp and enjoy what you could, Jack realized. You had to be alert and aware. You couldn’t sink into a shell. You couldn’t hide on some private planet of pain.

  Julie would leave tomorrow and he had to let her go. But he had been given a great gift this Christmas night: a few precious days with his son. He was determined to put aside his worry and despair for David’s future and make the most of their time together.

  JULIE WAS UP AND READY TO LEAVE EARLY THE NEXT MORNING, AS SHE had planned. Jack helped her pack up her car, but they couldn’t fit in all of Kate’s presents, and he offered to mail the extras down to her brother’s house.

  When it finally came time to go, Julie strapped Kate into her car seat in the back, with Lester in her lap.

  Jack leaned over and checked the seat belt, just to make sure. He quickly kissed Kate on the cheek and forced a smile.

  “Good-bye, Kate. Have fun with your cousins in New York,” he said, unable to think of anything to say that wouldn’t be too sad.

  He knew Kate did not completely understand what was happening. Neither did he, for that matter.

  “Will you come and see us, Jack?” Kate asked. “Mommy said Long Island isn’t very far.”

  “Sure, I can do that. Someday,” he said vaguely.

  He glanced at Julie, who watched them from the front seat.

  “Okay, good-bye now.” He kissed Kate again and closed the door. Then he stepped up to the driver’s side window. He had already given Julie a heartfelt hug inside. All that needed to be said between them had been said last night, he thought, and yet, if it hadn’t been for the distraction of David in the house now, he wouldn’t have been able to handle this. He was sure he would not have been able to let her go.

  “So, drive safely. If the car gives you any trouble at all, just stop somewhere and call me.”

  He hoped to heaven the car broke down before she even reached the highway.

  “I’ll be fine, Jack. Don’t worry,” she said quietly. She offered him a small smile.

  “Call when you get there, okay? I just want to know you got there safely.”

  She nodded. “I can do that. No problem. Enjoy your time with your son. He seems like a great guy.”

  “He is a great guy. He’s a real man, now,” Jack said with pride and a bit of amazement.

  “He’s a lot like you.” Her eyes sparkled. “I mean that in a good way,” she added, making him laugh.

  He smiled at her, then leaned over and kissed her again. He couldn’t help it. He touched her hair lightly with his hand and stepped back from the car.

  “Okay . . . have a good trip,” he said, his voice thick.

  She nodded and waved, then steered the car down the narrow drive to the main road and disappeared.

  All he could see at the end was the pink bike he gave Kate, secured to the trunk on a bike rack.

  He sniffed and took a long, shaky breath. Had he done the right thing by letting her go? God only knows, Jack thought sadly. Life must be lived forward, but can only be understood backward, he recalled Julie saying. That was just the problem, wasn’t it?

  THE NEXT FIVE DAYS WITH DAVID PASSED QUICKLY. THEY FELL INTO AN easy routine, and in some ways it seemed as if his son had never left. On the third day of David’s stay, they decided to visit the cemetery and put flowers at Claire’s headstone.

  “I haven’t gone there since the funeral,” Jack confessed.

  “We’ll go together then. It’s okay, Dad. I understand.”

  David patted his father’s back. It was odd for Jack to have his son offering support, being the comforter. It had always been the other way around. He was so grown-up now. Jack wished Claire could see it. But maybe she did, he reasoned. Maybe she had sent David here.

  On the way home from the cemetery, they drove through town. David looked around curiously.

  “Does it look very different to you?”

  “Not so much,” David said. “Is Emily Warwick still the mayor?”

  “She sure is. She’ll be the mayor for as long as she wants, I think. Charlie Bates keeps nipping at her heels, but nobody really likes him.”

  David laughed. “See, it hasn’t changed at all.”

  Jack had to stop at the post office and mail the packages of gifts down to Kate. David helped him carry the boxes in.

  “So, did you hear from Julie? Is she okay?”

  “She’s fine.” Jack kept his eyes focused on an address label, carefully filling in the information.

  “So . . . how did you leave it with her?” David asked.

  Jack looked up at him, surprised at the blunt question. “What do you mean?”

  “Are you going to see her again? Go down to New York and visit? It’s not all that far, Dad. Only takes a few hours.”

  Jack shook his head. “I don’t know. I don’t think so.” He took another label and started writing.

  “Why not? I know you like her.”

  “How do you know that?”

  “It’s written all over your face when you look at her. When you say her name.”

  Jack sighed. “That obvious, huh?”

  “Yeah. Sorry to break it to you.” David leaned over and took a label, and started writing, too. “I know you loved Mom, Dad. I think it’s okay if you’ve found somebody new. I don’t think Mom would want you to be unhappy and all alone. I don’t want you to be left here all alone, either.”

  Left here all alone. He meant if something happened to him in Iraq. If he didn’t come back.

  “Julie seems pretty special,” David continued. “I don’t think you should just let her go.”

  Jack stacked up the labels and counted them out. He was one short, then he saw the one David had filled out. “Okay, I get your point. I’ll think it over, okay?”

  They left the post office and headed home. At the end of Main Street, they passed the drugstore where Jack had met up with David’s old girlfriend, Christine. David had not asked about her, and Jack had forgotten to tell him about the encounter.

  “Listen, speaking of special girls . . . I ran into Christine a few weeks ago.” David sat up straighter, Jack noticed.

  “You did? How is she?”

  “She’s fine, doing very well. She’s in college, studying to be a teacher.” Jack paused. “She told me she just got engaged to be married.”

  He glanced at David, trying to see how his son was taking this news. “She’s moved on with her life, I guess. She asked me about you,” Jack added. “She asked if I ever heard from you and said, if I did, to tell you she said hello. Or something like that.” Jack shook his head. He wasn’t good at this stuff. Did the boy even care? He must have had a lot of girl-friends over the past two years.

  “She did?” David’s voice was sharp with interest.

  So he did care. Jack wasn’t surprised. There was something real there. He had always thought so, even though they were terribly young. But he and Claire were young when they met, and that had lasted, Jack reflected.

  “Maybe you should call her,” Jack suggested. “I think she’d like to hear from you.”

  David looked out the window as they approached the tree farm. “Sure, I’ll call her. I was thinking of doing that anyway.”

  That night, David went off to visit Christine, looking eager and nervous as he left the house. But he also looked very handsome and mature. Jack was certain that if Christine had any feelings left for David at all, she would be bowled off her feet by the new-and-improved version.

  Jack was sleeping in the living room now, having forced David to take his old room back during his stay. When David came in at midnight, Jack was still awake, reading a book about orchids.

  “So, how did it go?” He put the book down and looked up at his son.

  “She was angry at me. Really angry.” David sat down and pulled off his wool hat. “But then we talked and sorted things out. She has two more years of school left. She’s not getting married until she graduates. She told me
that they decided to wait. Two years is a long time,” David noted. “I should be home by then,” he said hopefully.

  “I sure hope so,” Jack agreed.

  He could have posed the same question David had posed to him about Julie—how did you leave it with her?—but he held back. He didn’t want to pry.

  “She’s going to write to me. She said she would, anyway.”

  “I think she will if she said so,” Jack assured him.

  David rose. “I guess that’s something. That’s about as much as I could hope for,” he admitted. “I didn’t treat her very well, leaving town without a word. It wasn’t right.”

  “I think you know better now,” Jack told him. “I bet she realizes that, too.”

  David sat with him a while longer then headed off to bed.

  Jack hoped the girl kept her promise, even if nothing came of it. A soldier needed someone at home, something to look forward to. He hoped Christine wouldn’t disappoint his son, at least in that way.

  Jack wished that David could stay, so they could at least see in the New Year together. But David had his orders and there was no arguing with that. On the morning of New Year’s Eve, Jack drove his son to a bus station in Ipswich.

  Jack was getting weary of saying good-bye to people, of sending off those he loved. But he tried to do his best so that their leave-taking wasn’t harder for David than it had to be.

  He waited with David in the station, sitting on hard plastic chairs, making small talk until the bus pulled in.

  They heard the bus announced. David stood up and grabbed his large green duffel. He was in uniform and people glanced at them. Jack felt proud, even though he didn’t necessarily agree with what was going on in the world.

  David turned to his father and hugged him tight. “That’s my bus. I’d better get going. . . . Thank you, Dad.” His voice was choked with emotion. “Thanks for everything. It’s been great spending time with you and being back home again.”

  Jack held him fiercely, his eyes welling up with tears.

  “I’m the one, David. I’m the one who should . . .” He couldn’t finish. “Thank God you came home, that’s all I have to say. You’ll be back. I know it. I know you will,” he promised his son.

  David nodded and swallowed hard. “I’ll call you, Dad,” he said. Then he turned and boarded the bus.

  Jack stepped back, waiting. When David’s face appeared at a window, he forced a smile and waved. The bus door closed. The engine heaved a giant gust of exhaust and it pulled away.

  “Happy New Year, David,” Jack called silently after him. He had forgotten to say that, he realized. He had forgotten to say a lot of things.

  Jack cried most of the way home. It was hard to drive, and at one point he just pulled over at the side of the road and wept uncontrollably.

  At home, he decided to ignore the holiday. He didn’t feel like seeing the New Year in on his own. He felt bleak and empty with both David and Julie gone.

  He heated up some canned soup and sat at the kitchen table to eat it. Tomorrow he planned to start to clean the tree lot. The extra garlands and wreaths would be tossed in a grinding machine, the trees would be chopped for firewood. It was hard work and he wasn’t looking forward to it.

  Being perfectly honest with himself, Jack knew he didn’t feel like doing anything. He felt as if he might be overwhelmed again by sadness, sinking into a dark place. All he could see was the dim shadow of David’s face, looking at him through the bus window and then gliding away. It was hard to get that image out of his mind.

  During his stay, David had taken out old photograph albums. They were all still piled on the kitchen table. Jack pulled one over and paged through. It was hard to look at the photos of happier days, days when David was a little boy and Claire was with him.

  Jack reached the end of the album, noticing for the first time that it was filled with blank pages. That seemed odd to him, seeing all those pages blank and empty.

  Where were the pictures, he wondered. In the future, yet to come, an inner voice answered. A picture of Julie and Kate came to mind, one fixed in his heart. He wished now he had a real photograph of them.

  That wouldn’t be too hard, he knew. Not at all impossible.

  Only his fears and doubts held him back.

  The pictures in the album were his past, treasured memories. The future was all the blank pages, still to be filled however he chose to do it.

  He could give up and end his story now. He could crawl back into his shell, hide out on his planet of pain.

  But he wouldn’t hurt David that way. His son expected more, and David’s return had given him something to live for.

  Julie and Kate had given him something to live for, too, if he chose to embrace all they offered.

  He could hide away here safely the way he had these past two years, in fear of love and loss. Or he could reach out and reconnect to real life. A full life. He had that chance, that opportunity, though he knew the window would not be open forever.

  Jack thought back to the night Julie had appeared at his door. He had just about reached rock bottom, and she walked in and hauled him up by his collar. He didn’t expect that kind of miracle to happen twice in a lifetime. If he wanted her, he had to make some effort, to reach for what he wanted without fear of the consequences or the obstacles blocking his way.

  She had called only once in the past week, to say she arrived safely in New York. He hadn’t spoken to her since, distracted with David’s visit and also unsure of what he should say to her.

  The ball was in his court. She might refuse him, after all, and crush his heart. Or he might end up disappointing her and Kate in the long run, unable to give them both what they needed.

  Jack picked up his dish and put it in the sink. Then went into his bedroom and got into bed, feeling bone weary. He couldn’t have been more tired if he had been working outdoors in the cold all day.

  He didn’t typically pray, but in the darkened room, lying in bed, he closed his eyes and said a short prayer, asking God to please protect his son and keep him safe from harm wherever he traveled.

  Then he silently added, Please give me strength and show me the right thing to do about Julie.

  When he woke up, early morning sunlight slipped under the window shades. His sleep had been long and deep. He sat up, feeling refreshed, his head cleared of the cobwebs.

  He took a quick shower and shaved, then dressed in khaki pants and the new shirt and sweater Julie had given him.

  He faced himself in the mirror for one more appraising look. You’re a very handsome man, Jack, he heard Julie say.

  He smiled to himself. This might work out. It might work out after all.

  He took her brother’s address and typed it into the MapQuest site on the Internet, then printed out the directions. He was getting an early start. It would take about four or five hours to reach Long Island. He would make it there by noon, he thought. He didn’t want to call; he wanted to surprise her. She should be around the house on New Year’s Day, he thought.

  Jack drove steadily down the New England Thruway. The traffic was light, and he was careful not to get too eager and exceed the speed limit. But even though he got hungry halfway through the ride, he didn’t want to waste time and stop for lunch.

  When he arrived at the condo development where Julie was staying, he had to laugh at himself as he drove around the suburban maze, trying to find the correct unit. Julie was right; they did all look the same. Finally, he found the house number and saw her beat-up little hatchback parked nearby.

  He strode up to the front door and felt his heart begin to hammer. He rang the bell and waited for someone to answer, feeling suddenly as if he couldn’t even breathe.

  A man came to the door. He looked a lot like Julie. Jack knew it had to be her brother. “Peter Newton?” Jack asked.

  The man nodded but didn’t open the storm door, looking at him suspiciously. “Who are you?”

  “Jack Sawyer, a friend of Jul
ie’s. From Massachusetts.”

  “Oh . . . right. Come on in.” Peter opened the door and stepped aside.

  The condo had three floors and plenty of rooms, but it was built on a small scale, Jack thought, looking around. The rooms were narrow and tight; all the furniture seemed close together. It was the complete opposite of his big, rambling house.

  “Julie’s downstairs, I’ll let her know you’re here. Is she expecting you?” Peter asked curiously.

  “Uh, no. It’s sort of a surprise,” Jack admitted.

  Peter gave him a skeptical glance then walked off. “Julie?” Jack heard him call. “Someone is here to see you.”

  Jack waited, his mouth going dry.

  Finally he heard her coming down the short hallway. He turned and offered a smile, a pretty weak one at first. Then he met her eyes and knew he had done the right thing.

  “Jack? What are you doing here?” She wore jeans and a simple brown sweater that brought out the rich color of her hair. Jack thought she had never looked more beautiful. And she was staring up at him as if he were a vision.

  “I . . . I wanted to see you,” he admitted. “I forgot to tell you something.” He lowered his voice, then glanced at Julie’s brother, who suddenly took the hint and left them alone.

  Julie looked puzzled. “Why didn’t you just call?”

  Jack licked his lips. He swallowed hard. “I have to say this face-to-face. It’s hard,” he began. He cleared his throat again. “You see . . . the thing is, I had some time to think and I have to tell you something important. I know I said all that stuff about not wanting to disappoint you and that you needed some other type of guy. . . . But I don’t want you to be with some other guy. I want you to be with me. I love you, Julie,” he said finally. “With all my heart.” He didn’t dare glance at her as he spoke, afraid to see her reaction. He was on a roll now and just wanted to get it all out. The words he had carefully rehearsed for five hours on the ride down were getting all jumbled in his head. “I don’t want to live without you. I can’t. I wouldn’t really be alive. . . .”