SCARS

by Jaimie Roberts

  Can life-affirming orgasms do that to a person?

  I sigh, turning over and closing my eyes to sleep. I feel exhausted all of a sudden. I have no clue what time it is, but I’m guessing it’s early in the morning. At least it’s still dark outside.

  As I fall into the abyss of sleep, one last thought pops up into my mind:

  Even though it’s completely crazy to think this, I still want him to take my virginity. Should I let him even though I have no clue who he is or what he even looks like?

  Again, I think about how he makes me feel when I’m with him and how he always tries to tell me that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. The only thing I know when I’m with him is just how alive and wonderful he makes me feel, so I guess there can only be one answer…

  And I just can’t wait until that day arrives!

  Jarrod Walker

  I leave just like I always do—like a thief in the night. I am a thief, but I don’t steal objects. No, what I’m stealing is quite different. I am taking her. Just like we had planned, I am taking her inch by inch and surprisingly, she’s letting me.

  I unhook the string attached to the rail and climb down to the awaiting boat. I take the ladder off as I get in and place the spare I “borrowed” into the inflated power boat, which I also “borrowed.” I push my “borrowed” boat away from theirs and row a short distance away, so I can power it up without causing too much noise. As I make my way back to shore, I think about all that has happened tonight. I can still taste her. She has the most elegant taste… She tastes like a fine wine and peaches rolled into one. I can’t describe it exactly. I’ve been around and had plenty of pussy, but hers is different. I don’t know if it’s the thrill of knowing I’m the only one who’s tasted it, or if it’s just because it’s her.

  I shudder when I think of the latter. I’m not supposed to get close to her. She’s a means to an end and nothing more. I’m doing this for Charlotte. She is the one I care for. She is the one I love, and that is exactly how it should be. I can’t let whatever schoolboy fucking crush I’m developing for this girl get to me. If Charlotte knew, she would have my fucking balls. It would be like a kick to the gut for her if she knew that I actually liked Lily.

  And I do like her. I have to admit that to myself at least. She smells incredible, tastes divine, and makes me feel something I never have. I spent time inside for crimes which I do not regret committing. They deserved it, and I would do it again in a heartbeat. It made me into the man I am today. I had to grow up fast, and boy did I learn. I became a fighter. I became so big and so strong that no fucker would dare to go near me. That wasn’t something I wanted to do; it was something I had to do.

  “So, what are you in for?”

  I look up at the snot-nosed kid who seems to be trying his luck with me. No fucking chance. I cut him off before he thinks he can have the upper hand. “None of your fucking business,” I growl, making sure I don’t break eye contact. That’s another thing I’ve learned in here: Never break eye contact with anyone; they’ll see it as a sign of weakness.

  He puts his hand up in surrender. “Okay, okay. That’s cool. I just thought I’d make some small talk, considering I’m going to be here for a while.”

  Fucking great. My new cellmate likes to talk. I have to cut that fucking shit out right now. “I don’t care for small talk, so try someone else. I’m not here to make friends.”

  He shrugs his shoulders. “Sure. Whatever. But when you get bored and need someone to talk to, don’t come crying to me.”

  I snort. What the fuck is this kid on? I shake my head with a smirk and he sees it. He smirks back, but doesn’t say anything. He just disappears as he climbs onto the bed on top. I feel him squirm a little, but pretty soon, he settles down. I go back to staring at the bottom of my new cellmate’s bed. Sometimes, I stare so long and so hard that time goes by without a thought or care in the world. I can let myself go into a trance, and then everything around me disappears. Just for those few moments, I can be free. Free from this place, free from the fucking sick world out there, free from my vengeful thoughts. Most importantly, I can be free of that night which forever haunts me.

  I look back to my memories with quiet displeasure. I never had a real hard time in there. At first, I admit I did. I was new, and had to find my way. Once I established myself as someone who didn’t take any shit, I was okay. I had to beat the top dog, Tony, and beat him I did. It took a lot of planning in my head to get it right. It also took a lot of time in the gym to get myself in shape. I had to be patient, but I had lots of patience. I wasn’t going anywhere for a full year after all, so why rush?

  “Sorry, kid. You had to go inside for something. We all know you did it, but you’re lucky there was no evidence against you.”

  Yeah, I did it all right, and I would do it again. I wouldn’t have cared if I had been inside for what I truly did. I am a murderer, but I don’t regret a single thing. They all deserved it. Every single sick, twisted, and evil fucking son of a bitch deserved everything he got. I would do it all again if I had to. It is the one and only thing in my life that I truly don’t regret.

  I push on and can see the lights in the distance getting closer and closer. I smile as I make out the figure coming into view. He’s there waiting for me like I knew he would be.

  “What took you so long?”

  I smile. “She took a little time getting worked up. That’s all. I had to go gentle on her.”

  Jace smirks, shaking his head. “Man, what the fuck are you doing to that girl? And why the fuck is she letting you?” He helps me pull the boat towards the dock, and I hand him the ladder before climbing up.

  “What can I say? She can’t resist my charm.” We walk along the dock, and I find the boat I “borrowed” the ladder from. I place it back as if I’d never taken it and walk alongside Jace to the car.

  “So, when are you going to hit it properly?”

  “Hit it?” I ask, raising an eyebrow.

  “It is what this,” he says waving his arms about, “is all about, isn’t it?”

  “Well, yes, but it’s not something I can do with the snap of my fingers. I need time to ease her in.”

  He studies me a moment. “You like her, don’t you?”

  Fuck me, not him too! I get enough of this shit from Charlotte. “I’m just doing what I need to and nothing more.” I curse underneath my breath and yank the rental car door open a little more forcefully than is necessary. I don’t need people questioning my feelings or my methods.

  As I slam the door behind me, Jace stares at me for a moment with a stupid smirk on his face. “I wouldn’t blame you if you did. I’ve seen what she has to offer, and I would definitely hit that. Have you seen her tits? Fuck me, they’re phenomenal. And not to mention her as—”

  “If you say one more word—I swear to God—I will gut you. Do you fucking hear me?”

  He smirks again like he got what he was after and starts the car. “Yeah, I hear you.” He pulls a joint out from his pocket. “Wanna smoke?” I grab the joint, wind down my window, and hurl it out. “Hey, what the fuck was that for?”

  “I’ve been planning this shit for far too long. I ain’t going inside again, Jace. That past is long behind me. I can’t be caught by the police smoking joints. It would be the least they’d need to put me back inside. Don’t bring that shit with you next time, you hear me?”

  He raises one hand in surrender. “Okay, okay, I hear you. I don’t particularly want to go back inside either. I just thought you might want to relax a bit after, well, you know.” He smirks again. I can tell he’s getting a real kick out of what I’m doing.

  “The only relaxing I need is a quick shower and then bed.” I can still smell her on me, and no matter how much I love that, I need to wash her off. It’s the feeling of knowing just how much I love it that’s getting to me. I need to concentrate, and I can’t if she’s constantly invading my life. I close my eyes, remembering how soft her skin felt under my touch, how
fast the sounds she made went deep into my groin, how intense that feeling was, and how much I loved the taste of her. I could taste her all day.

  “You do look tired, man. Any chance you may be pushing yourself too hard?”

  I open my eyes and smile at him. “Are you worried about me? Did spending time in Juvie make you hard for some dick?” I tease him because I know it will work every time.

  “Shut the fuck up!” he snaps. “The only dick I will ever have is my own buried inside plenty of pussy.”

  “You’re fucking disgusting. Do you know that?”

  Jace snorts. “Says Holier-Than-Thou Walker.”

  I shake my head, but say no more. Instead, I look out the window and watch as a tiny glint of dusk comes upon us. It will be light soon, and I need to be back at the hotel before it gets too light. I’m desperate for that shower now that her smell is invading my senses. I don’t even dare to breathe in too deeply for fear that her smell will overcome me. I have to get back, so I can wash and sleep her off—get her out of my system. After all, she will be coming home tomorrow. I need a clear head to make sure she gets back safely…

  I am—after all—a gentleman.

  I woke up this morning wondering if the night before had all been a dream. The only evidence that he had been here was the wetness I still had between my thighs and my clothes scattered across the floor. I smiled when I recounted the memory of him touching me in places where I’d never been touched… Taking me to new levels of paradise I never knew existed. Yesterday was Day One of my womanhood. What was the saying? Put away childish things? That is me now. Last night, I was growing up and becoming a woman in my own right.

  “I still say it looks like she’s been fucked last night. Look at her. Her cheeks are all flushed, and there’s that silly smile she’s got on her face. Max, did you have anything to do with that?” I jerk my head to Jerry in disgust. What a way to ruin my mood. I was quite happy sitting up on deck as we sailed home—the wind blowing in my hair and the sun high in the sky. It was another beautiful day. Well, until Jerry crashed my little appreciation party.

  “Why don’t you just fuck off,” Max says angrily in Jerry’s direction.

  Jerry puts his hands up. “No harm, no foul. I was just pointing out the fact she looks happy.” He smirks at me, so I scowl back.

  “Well, she is happy because she had a perfectly wonderful birthday yesterday. Why can’t it just be that, huh?” I roll my eyes at Jerry, and in the corner of my eye, Christine scoots closer to me.

  “You do look a little different this morning,” she observes.

  “I guess it must be all this sea air. Maybe I was born for this.” I smile brightly, trying to lighten the mood a little. I know why I’m feeling particularly chipper this morning, but I’m certainly not going to divulge that information to anyone here.

  “Graduation and the masquerade ball are next. I hope it’s better than Prom,” Amy pipes. Prom was last week, and apparently it was a flop because the original DJ didn’t turn up. The school had to improvise with what records they had in storage, which consisted only of fifties and sixties music. I managed to get out of that one by feigning an upset stomach, and now I’m so glad I did. This dance, however, I know I won’t be able to get out of because Christine won’t let me.

  Just as I think this, Christine, as if on cue, gasps. “Oh, I can’t wait for that! I’ve been waiting years for this moment, and it’s almost finally here.”

  “Who’s your date?” Amy asks in Christine’s direction.

  Christine smiles in Tyler’s direction. He smiles back. Obviously, I missed something last night. “Tyler asked me yesterday, so I’m going with him.”

  Amy turns to me. “What about you? Is Max taking you?” Of all the things to ask. She could have simply asked the first question without including Max. We hadn’t talked about the dance yet.

  I look uncomfortably towards Max, and he looks just as uncomfortably back. Christine’s just typing something on her phone. She’s so engrossed that she doesn’t look up.

  “Max and I haven’t discussed it.”

  Amy’s cheeks flame red in embarrassment. “Oh, sorry.”

  Yeah. You and me both.

  Silence falls as everyone starts to feel uncomfortable. That is until Max asks Jerry to take over the steering before sitting next to me. “Are you okay?” I nod my head. “Listen, I know you don’t want to date me, but I think I am perfectly capable of taking you to the dance without it meaning anything but friendship. I consider you one of my best friends, so there’s no one else I would rather take.” At this moment, I really wish I could be attracted to Max. He is the ideal boy with ideal prospects, ideal looks, and an ideal personality. Why I don’t feel an attraction there is beyond me. It is also beyond me how this stranger, who I know nothing about, can have the total opposite effect on me from the one Max has. My skin heats, and my body hums whenever he is with me. It’s just something that’s beyond explanation.

  I take his hand, and with a smile I say, “There’s no one else I would rather have take me.” He beams back at me, making me bite my lip. Max notices of course and momentarily looks down at my lips. After a couple of seconds, he shifts in his seat, lets my hand go, and he clears his throat.

  “Well, that’s settled then. I’ll pick you up at eight.” He gets up, winks at me, and takes the reins of the boat again—much to Jerry’s annoyance. He was obviously enjoying those few moments at the wheel.

  “I can see the shore!” Amy shouts, and suddenly, this pang of sadness flows over me. Once we get ashore, the magic of these last couple of days will just be a memory. At this moment, I am still living it. In a few minutes, though, it will just be something to look back on.

  Jeez, Christine really did a number on me with her “things will never be the same again” philosophy. I’m only eighteen, and already I’m worrying about life passing me by. I start laughing.

  “What’s so funny?” Christine asks, diverting her attention from her phone.

  “I was just thinking about what you said last night about moments like this.”

  “Oh, man. Don’t start that depressing crap again,” Max snaps.

  I start laughing harder. “I’m not. I was just making an observation about it in my head, and I thought it was funny how I’ve only just turned eighteen and yet I’m already worrying about my future. It just made me laugh.”

  Christine points her phone at me. “You know one thing that’s inevitable.” A couple of people shrug their shoulders, but no one says anything. “We’re all going to die. That’s one thing we can’t change.”

  “Christine, for fuck’s sake!” Max grumbles.

  Christine shrugs her shoulders and winks at me. “I’m just saying.” And I know she’s just trying to get a rise out of Max. She knows he gets agitated with regards to talk about our mortality, so she’s using it for all it’s worth.

  I shake my head at her, but she just gives me that knowing smile. “I want to thank everyone for this weekend. It was awesome.”

  Jerry bounces towards me, placing an arm around my shoulder. “Anything for you, fish face. I can always make it more memorable.” His eyebrows start going up and down, so I nudge him in the ribs. “Ow! What was that for?”

  “You … being a prick.” Jerry starts laughing like it’s the funniest thing he’s ever heard. “What’s so funny?”

  “You saying the word ‘prick.’ It sounds funny coming out of that virtuous mouth of yours.”

  I roll my eyes at him, but laugh inside at the knowledge that I’m not as innocent as everyone thinks I am. I think they would all have a fit if they knew I was letting a faceless man do all the things that I let him do. I think on that for a little while. How would I explain to someone that this stranger is the only person who sets my heart on fire? I do the things he asks because I want to. I want to more than anything else in the world. When I’m with him, nothing else seems to matter. Sure, I obviously do question myself at times, but how can I question somet
hing that makes me feel so special? That makes me feel alive? That alone sounds crazy, but it isn’t crazy at all to me. He lets me call the shots he says. He tells me that all I have to do is tell him to leave me and he will, and I truly believe he would leave if I asked. I just don’t want him to.

  As we get back to shore, my mind is racing once again at the thought of him. Could he be watching me now that my feet have touched ground? Sometimes, I have the sense that he’s there. I don’t know what it is. Maybe it’s noticing the goose bumps rise on my arms or the need to keep turning my head towards something unknown that makes me believe it. I’m never scared, though. Like now, I feel at peace. I feel safe, and I have no reason why.

  Jarrod Walker

  I watch as they all climb off the boat, but my eyes are zoned in on one person and one person only. Today, she’s wearing denim shorts, flip-flops, and a red tank top, which goes wonderfully with that luminous chestnut hair of hers. I watch her as Max offers his hand, and she takes a step across the threshold. He pulls forcefully, and she flies into his arms laughing. She thinks it’s all a joke, but I know what Max is up to. He’s strategic in the way that he is around her. I watch him as much as I do her, and I know his tricks by now. It shouldn’t annoy me, but it does. For a while, I chastised myself for punching Max. Nothing about him wanting her should piss me off, but it does. It’s moments like this when I see the way he touches her and looks at her, and inside, I know I did the right thing by giving him that left hook. It will only be later, when I’m sitting at home thinking about Charlotte, that I’ll question my motives with her. I have a plan, and I also know when I will carry that plan out. It’s just a matter of striking at the right moment.

  As I sit in the car, I notice the way she puts her hair behind her ears. It’s a shy gesture—one that looks uncomfortable. It makes me smile inside to know that a guy she has known for years makes her feel that way, but I’m the one who makes her feel alive.