“Does Ethan come here a lot?” I finally ask.
“Every Sunday,” Finn replies. “And at least a couple of times throughout the week.”
“I’m glad,” I tell him quietly. “I’m glad he has you guys.”
“He’s like a brother to me,” Finn says, and I know he means it. Finn is the sibling he should have had instead of me.
“Do you think he hates me now?” I blurt out before I can stop myself. “Even though I’m pissed with him too.”
He chuckles. “Why are you mad at him?”
“Because of the Evie thing. I can’t believe he’s gone back there.”
Finn shakes his head. “That won’t last. He just needs a little longer to figure it out.”
I huff. “He has no right to be annoyed with me when he’s back with her.”
He lets out a bark of laughter. “You are kidding, right?”
I deflate slightly. He’s right. “I know what I did is bad, okay? I know he hates me at the moment.”
Finn turns his head to face me in astonishment. “Ethan doesn’t hate you, Izzy. He loves you. A lot. He always has.”
I scoff at that. “Yeah right. If he loves me so much then why didn’t you know I was coming to live over here? Why did you guys find out I was his sister along with the rest of the school in the cafeteria that day?” That’s something that’s bothered me for weeks, even if I don’t want to admit it—the fact that Ethan’s friends had no clue who I was when I first turned up over here. He never mentioned me to them.
Finn shrugs. “I’ve wondered about that,” he admits. “I think it’s because he knows what your relationship is like these days. He was embarrassed. He didn’t want to admit that the person he’s spent years telling us about didn’t even want to look in his direction, let alone speak to him.”
I’m stunned. “He talked about me?”
He looks at me like I’m crazy. “All the time. We’d be eating pizza and he’d be like ‘This is my sister’s favourite topping’ or ‘My sister hates this movie’, just stuff that let us know how important you were to him when he first moved over here. And I swear he spent the first couple of months here grilling the cafeteria staff on the ingredients of food.”
I frown at this.
“Because you’re allergic to nuts, right? Even though you weren’t there, he’d want to know exactly what was in the food, just out of habit I guess.”
A smile creeps across my face, remembering how he did that for months after my nut allergy was discovered, always wanting to make sure I knew what was in my food. Way more thorough than I am about it.
We fall into silence as I lose myself in my thoughts, in my memories of me and Ethan as kids. I think about how we are with each other right now and it makes me want to cry.
“It must have been tough for you when he moved over here.”
Tough is an understatement. I didn’t feel whole anymore without him.
“Izzy?”
“It was tough,” I concede softly.
“I’ll bet.”
I don’t say anything else. Don’t tell him how I cried and cried when he left. How I screamed at my mum for letting him go.
“Izzy,” Finn says softly. “You can talk to me, you know, about anything you want. Your mum, Ethan, your dad, your friends back home. I won’t say anything to anyone. Not even Ethan.”
A silence settles over us as I look into the distance. Where I can just see Ethan and his friends as small dots messing around by the lake.
I let out a long sigh. “Have you ever missed someone so much it hurts? So much it feels like you’re missing an arm or a leg? Like an actual part of your body?”
Finn’s face softens. “Oh, Izzy, I know you miss your mom.”
I look out into the distance and see Ethan launch himself into the water. “I wasn’t talking about my mum.”
We sit in silence for the next twenty minutes, both of us lost in our own thoughts, watching what’s happening in the distance. Ms. Joot’s words about confiding in someone keep playing on a loop in my head and despite mine and Finn’s issues and arguments I know that I can trust him.
Eventually I turn to him. “I wish Ethan had been there, in the last few months of her life…at the end.”
“He wishes that too, Izzy. You know he does.”
I shake my head. “No, you don’t get it.”
He doesn’t get at all just how badly I let my mum down. How I missed all the signs.
I look back at the lake and out of the corner of my eye, I see him turn his head to face me, but I don’t look at him. I can’t look at him right now.
“She was sick for months before she went to the doctor,” I admit, my heartbeat hammering in my chest and the shame running through me. “She was run-down and tired, and she’d started to lose weight. I knew she wasn’t well. I knew she needed to go to the doctor, but she didn’t go, and I didn’t make her. I let her put it off and was happy for her to pick me up from school or take me shopping or cook my dinner rather than marching her down to the doctor’s office.”
A tear slides down my face.
“Ethan wouldn’t have missed it like I did. He wouldn’t have been as selfish as me. He would have put her first, would have known it wasn’t just some stupid flu thing.”
Another tear slides down my face. And another. I’ve never told anyone this before, never admitted it out loud.
“By the time she did make it there, it was too late. It was too far gone and they couldn’t do anything about it.”
I swipe at my face, wiping the tears away, and I take a deep breath and release the words I’ve been holding inside me since my mum died. I don’t know why, but I want to tell Finn.
“I know I blamed Ethan for not being there when she died, but it’s my fault she was in that position in the first place, my fault it took so long for her to go to the doctor and have it diagnosed.”
My voice cracks and I start sobbing then, sobbing when I remember how devastated I was the day I found out she had cancer. How she promised me she was fine and she was going to fight it. How I believed it because my mum was the strongest person I knew and if anyone could beat cancer, she could.
Finn wraps his arms around me and hauls my body against him, hugging me so tightly I feel like I’m being welded into him. “It’s okay, Izzy. It’s okay.”
I cry against his shoulder for what feels like hours, remembering how shocked I was at her diagnosis, how devastated, how I handled it by disappearing on her and trying to forget about it, drinking and partying when I should have been there, by her side at all times of the day and night, reassuring her that she was loved.
Eventually I pull back, and our faces are so close I can see the flecks of gold in his green eyes.
“It’s not your fault, Izzy.”
Another tear slides down my cheek. “I could have done so much more.”
“Izzy, listen to me,” he says firmly. “There’s nothing you could have done.”
“I could have been there after. I could have talked to her and stayed in and stopped drinking and doing drugs trying to forget about it.” Another sob escapes as I remember how devastating that time was and how I couldn’t handle it. I didn’t know how to handle it so I just tried to forget, tried to bury the truth of what was happening until I couldn’t anymore, until she got so visibly sick that I didn’t dare leave the house in case something happened whilst I was gone. I remember how I helped her shower and begged her to eat when her appetite was gone, and when I remember that, I start to cry all over again.
“It’s not your fault,” Finn whispers over and over. “It’s not your fault.”
“What am I supposed to do without her?” I manage to choke out. “I’m a mess without her, and I don’t know how to fix any of this stuff with Ethan.” I take a deep shuddering breath. “I can’t do any of this without her.”
He doesn’t say anything in return. He doesn’t bullshit me and tell me it’ll be fine, doesn’t say I’ve not messed everything up a
nd I’m not going to miss her every day of my life. Instead his face has so much sympathy and concern on it and it’s so, so personal that I can’t stand it any longer. I launch myself towards him, fusing my mouth to his and forcing my tongue between his lips.
He kisses me back. I swear he kisses me back, tightening his arm around my neck and pulling me closer, pressing my body against his, but he only does that for about five seconds before he’s pushing me away and detangling himself from me.
“No,” he tells me breathlessly. “No, not like this. Not like this.”
Humiliation washes over me as I realise I’m being rejected, realise I was completely wrong and there hasn’t always been this strange vibe between us. I immediately stand to leave but he grabs my hand, gripping it tightly, not letting me go. I try my best to pull my hand out of his grip, desperate to get away from him, but he holds on tightly, tugging me back sharply. Still, I manage to twist away and I take off running down the path, not stopping when he calls after me and taking off down a different path because I can’t stand the thought of passing Ethan and his friends or seeing any of Finn’s family. No, I take off down a completely different path and then half-run, half-walk the whole way home.
Paul pulls into the parking lot on Monday morning and I’m dreading going into school worse than I did on my first day here. And I know exactly why.
Finn Sullivan.
I ignored all his calls last night and didn’t read any of his texts. I cannot believe I let my guard down like that. I can’t believe I told him that stuff about my mum and then kissed him. I’m horrendously mortified. The embarrassment burns like fire inside me, and I’m pissed off too. How dare he make me feel like this only to reject me?
Of course he’s standing by my locker when I walk up to it.
“Go away.”
“Izzy, we need to talk.”
He has a nerve. “No we don’t.”
He steps closer to me, crowding me in—way too close for my liking. “It’s not what you think. I just didn’t want to kiss you like that, not when it was just a reaction to you being upset.”
“I really don’t want to talk about this,” I tell him, opening up my locker and grabbing my calculus textbook. “In fact, I want to forget yesterday ever happened. Got it?”
There’s a pause. “Act like it never happened?”
“Yup.” I force myself to look in his eye. “Act like yesterday never happened.”
He blinks at me. “That’s what you really want?”
Yes. No. I don’t know. Everything about Finn confuses me.
“Meet me after school,” he says. “We can go somewhere private.”
“I’m meeting Marcus,” I respond without thinking. We’re having a driving lesson before we grab some dinner.
His gaze immediately darkens and I want to kick myself for forgetting he thinks something is going on between us. I’m about to open my mouth to correct him when he jumps in.
“Of course you are. It was stupid of me to think otherwise.”
Now it’s my turn to be annoyed. He thinks he knows me so well and jumps to conclusions along with the rest of them. My gaze falls behind him, down the hallway, and I see Lila standing around with Evie and a couple of their other friends. She’s not even pretending to not be looking at us. “Your girlfriend’s watching.”
I know she’s not his girlfriend, but there’s definitely something between them, and I don’t need to be judged by him when his ex looks like she’s about to rip my hair out for just talking to him.
He scowls at me before turning around and looking at Lila. I take the opportunity to close my locker and head off in the opposite direction. He manages to grip my wrist and tug me back slightly. “Fine, Izzy,” he hisses in my ear, clearly pissed off. “Take off. Bury your head in the sand and pretend nothing happened yesterday. Running from your problems seems to be what you do best.”
I snatch my wrist back and walk away without looking back. He’s not as perceptive as he thinks he is. I might run away from my problems, but that doesn’t mean they disappear. They just follow me around.
“You gonna tell me what’s bothering you?” Marcus asks me later that night.
“Nope.” I take a swig of my water and stare at the TV screen in front of us. I didn’t feel like going home and being bitched at by Ethan for whatever I’ve done to piss him off now, so after my driving lesson with Marcus, I managed to talk him into coming back here, ordering a pizza, and watching a movie.
“You know you can talk to me, Izzy.”
I nod my head. “I know, but nothing’s wrong.”
He scoffs, letting me know he doesn’t believe a word I’m saying. He reaches for another slice of pizza. “So this has nothing to do with the fact that when I swung by the gas station earlier, I saw Finn Sullivan there looking like he wanted to kill me?”
My jaw tightens.
Marcus snickers. “Does someone have a crush, Izzy?”
I reach out and smack him in the stomach. “Talk about Finn to me one more time and I’ll go through your phone and text that girl you just started seeing and say you’re dating me now.”
“You know, it’s all starting to make sense.”
“What is?”
“Well, you know I go to all the high school games, yeah?”
“Yes,” I bite out, irritated because I don’t have a clue what that has to do with anything.
“Did you know a big fight nearly broke out between Northview and Burdown a couple of weeks ago when they were playing?”
My head turns to face him. I didn’t know about that actually. Nobody told me.
“I mean, in all honesty, it was over before it even started, but it could have been pretty big if it wasn’t right in front of the assistant referees.”
“What happened?” All I knew is that Ethan’s team won.
He snickers. “Well it definitely involved your buddy Craig McGarretty.”
I close my eyes, shame washing through me. “Let me guess—he was talking shit about me to Ethan throughout the game? Trying to wind him up?”
Marcus shrugs. “That’s my guess. Craig kept trying to speak to Ethan. I can’t imagine he was talking about the weather.”
I know what happens next without him having to say it. “And what, Ethan hit Craig and that started a fight?”
A huge smirk covers Marcus’s face. “Oh, it was a Northview player who threw the first punch, but it wasn’t Ethan.”
I frown in confusion.
“Nope. It was Finn Sullivan who delivered the blow that shut McGarretty up.”
My jaw falls open in shock as Marcus starts laughing at me, clearly enjoying the look on my face as I take this information on board. “Still wanna tell me there’s nothing going on between you and Sullivan?”
I scowl at him and shove him away, which just makes him laugh harder. And that just annoys me even more.
Another week passes with me and Ethan not speaking, and it’s become the norm now. He’s less acting like I don’t exist these days and more treating me as an inconvenience, as in he’ll bitch at me in the kitchen when I pass through, saying I’ve used up the milk, rather than just flat-out pretending I’m not there. I guess that’s progress?
Finn, on the other hand—I’m ignoring him like the plague because I do not want to deal with him, and from the way I haven’t even come close to coming into contact with him, I’d say he feels exactly the same about me right now.
I emerge from my English class already thinking about lunch and almost immediately hear the sounds of shouting and scuffling. I glance towards the noise to see a large group of students gathered around and watching whatever is taking place. The way people are reacting, it’s pretty obvious it’s a fight. The kids around me pick up their pace and join the crowd, shoving past me, and I’m just about to turn and walk in the opposite direction when I hear Ethan’s voice ring out. “Take it back.”
This makes me pause and I turn back to the group. Ethan is not a fighter (unless you c
ount Craig McGarretty). Sure he can hold his own and wouldn’t back away from someone who was threatening him, but he would never, ever choose to fight. To be honest, I was always more likely to get into a fight than him when we were little, so the fact that he’s fighting now? At school where he could get suspended from the team or even expelled? That’s not like him. I don’t care how much power he seems to have at this place or how much money my dad might be willing to pay to brush things under the carpet; Ethan wouldn’t be fighting at school unless something serious had happened.
I stride towards them, ignoring the sick feeling in my stomach, and elbow my way through the crowd, pushing my way to the front. I stop short when I make it through.
Ethan is definitely gearing for a fight, but it’s the person who’s stood across from him that has my mouth dropping open in shock. Right now it doesn’t look like Ethan’s fighting some idiot he barely knows. He looks like he’s ready to pummel Matty, one of his best friends and one of the nicest people I’ve met over here. It appears he wants to beat him into the ground whilst the rest of their friends stand around and watch.
What universe am I in right now?
Ethan starts shoving at Matty, pushing him farther and farther away. Matty doesn’t defend himself. He just lets Ethan push him, lets him do it, but when Ethan again demands he apologises, he shakes his head, a determined look on his face. It looks like whatever consequences are about to come his way from his actions are ones he’s prepared to deal with.
“Take back what you said,” Ethan seethes at him. I’m honestly in shock. I have never seen Ethan like this before. He looks like he’s one step away from tearing the place apart.
“What’s going on?” I demand, stepping towards him. He doesn’t even look at me. I doubt he hears me. He’s so focussed on Matty right now I doubt he even realises half the school is watching him.
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