Liberation Song

by Raelee May Carpenter

  He smiled. “Quite the opposite. She is such a cool little kid.”

  “And you thought seriously about this?”

  He looked down at the wine glass he held, then set it aside. He played with his fingers a second, then looked up at her again. He held her eyes now. “My wife Sarah died because of an ectopic pregnancy. And I wasn’t there. Nothing weird, you know; I was working. It was just another day. She wasn’t feeling good in the morning, but I told her she was probably just premenstrual. It would get bad for her sometimes, you know, so she took some painkillers she’d been prescribed and went back to sleep. When she woke up, I guess she called 9-1-1, but that was hours later, and it didn’t help that the medicine I had advised her to take were strong NSAIDs which, of course, are blood thinners. By the time they tried to treat her, it was too late.”

  “I’m sorry,” Alex said, not knowing what else to say.

  “I can tell you know what it’s like to lose someone. I felt a lot of responsibility for it, for her condition, because I was her husband, for the bad advice I’d given, for going to work when she was so sick. I can tell you know what it’s like to feel guilty too.” He gave her a sad smile and gently wiped a tear off her cheek. “I found Grace there. I’ve told you that, and you know how that saved me, and that’s part of the reason I’m here with you now, I guess. But it wasn’t the clincher for you and me.”

  Alex nibbled her bottom lip. “No?”

  He shook his head, his eyes looking far off.

  “What then?”

  He swallowed hard and used his right thumb to pop his index finger. “Well, I experienced a lot of different emotions after I lost Sarah. In addition to guilt, there was a lot of grief, obviously. I was heartbroken and half-dead. I had moments where I wished I had died with her and moments where I wished I had died instead. I prayed and begged God to let me live that day over again, so I could do it right, think of my wife first instead of my job. I would scream at God about how unfair the whole thing was. I desperately wished I’d had a chance to know the child that had died with her. But there was one thing that I never, ever wished.”

  Any words seemed out of place to Alex, so she just waited for him to continue.

  “I never wished I hadn’t met her, never wished we hadn’t fallen in love. I never, ever regretted the two incredible years that I was her husband, that I got to wake up mornings to her tangled hair and morning breath. I never thought that knowing her wasn’t worth the pain of losing her.”

  Laughter and tears at the same time, for both of them. Matt searched Alex’s face and smiled. He reached over and tucked her hair behind her ears. “I may lose you someday, Alexandra. Maybe you and that little girl will disappear, though I have a lot of hope in my heart that it won’t ever come to that. Hey, maybe we’ll even break up. Maybe you’ll lose me instead. Anything could happen, and my heart could break again. But I survived losing Sarah, so I know that isn’t the end of the world. And I am convinced that whatever does happen in the end, having you, and little Aggie, in my life, however long, will be worth it.”

  Alex smiled, and he wiped away another of her tears. Then he leaned toward her. Alex caught the clean, fresh scent of him (not cologne, but maybe soap, or shaving cream, because his cheeks and chin were smooth tonight). She breathed in deep and had this half second of so much raw feeling, overwhelming and too unrefined even to be called by the name emotion. It was tangled—desire, nervousness, uncertainty. And he kissed her on the forehead. Just that. Then he stood and reached for her hand. “I will carry Aggie and walk you home if you would like.”

  She nodded and let him help her up off the sofa.

  Pain exploded in Aili’s knees and shot through her thigh muscles to her hip joints. They had been kneeling on this concrete floor a long time.

  Ivanovich had ranted for a long time.

  Ivanovich. Who was this creep anyway? It wasn’t even a name, just a detached patronymic that probably had nothing to do with the man’s legal identity. Aili had chased this “son of John” through the code for several years and, even looking in his eyes awhile ago, she knew so little, too little. She only knew what he was capable of, and that didn’t help. That only terrified her.

  In her panic, she was forgetting her Russian, but even if she only caught a phrase here and there, she got the point. No one could cross him. No one could beat him. He couldn’t be killed. He’d never die. He was God, and he’d own all these sorry, filthy, little girls and boys, control every moment of their lives, forever. Or until he decided to kill them. And if they even thought—even dreamed in their sleep —of crossing him, that decision would come sooner rather than later.

  Aili got it. She did. Enough already, thank you very much. He didn’t need to go on so. He would make an example of them. Of her. Of Katya, Anya, and Aili.

  Oh, Katya… Aili looked at the girl, and sweet Kati looked back, held her eyes. Incredibly, she smiled. She still smiled. Aili bit back a scream. This child was either crazy (and maybe Ivanovich and this terrifying, despairing life had led to just that) or…or, she was an angel. Or something at least not entirely of this earth. Aili watched Katya’s face, watched her hold her baby firmly but without a shiver, watched her try to catch the eyes of the other children so she could smile at them. She tried to give them back a bit of the hope that Ivanovich always stripped away from them like so many rags.

  Who was this girl? And how could Aili have done this? Aili was glad that she was dying because she would never have been able to live with causing this girl’s death. She shivered violently and heard Ivanovich laugh at her. He took a revolver out of his jacket and loaded it, one bullet at a time. He pointed it at Aili’s head, at Kati’s (Katya, who didn’t flinch), and at Anya’s (Anya, who slept on in her drugged stupor). But then, to show just how godlike he was, just how much the lives of these kids, and even revenge on them, were so beneath him, he tossed the gun to Koli, his Shangku lackey, only one step higher in his organization than all these abused, tearful children.

  He shrugged, told Koli something in the henchman’s nameless tribal language, and left the garage where it all was going down.

  Aili looked into the dark eyes of her executioner and found them unreadable. And at that moment she remembered her father. That man, the big, unhappy, monster man, the one she loved and hated and needed and feared all at once. He had always said that she was too smart for her own good.

  Chapter Three

  “How are you doing?”

  Alex startled and turned to Matt. She’d been a bit lost in thought again.

  Okay, she was actually in a state of mild panic.

  Matt’s posture was relaxed, and he tapped the steering wheel to the beat of the music on the radio. Aggie was happy too. The little girl sat in the back of Matt’s car in her booster seat, bouncing her little legs in the air and singing a song of her own composition, something about rainbows and cotton candy. Alex wished she could relax too, but that wasn’t going to happen.

  She never relaxed about anything. And about where they were headed right now? So much the less.

  Matt looked at her from the corner of his eyes and pushed his glasses up his nose. He was nearsighted, he’d told her. When she asked about contacts, he said he did have them; he just rarely bothered to put them in his eyes. It amused her that while she obviously was the nerd in this relationship, he was the one wearing those nerdy glasses. Alex gazed at him wistfully for a moment then remembered that he waited for her to say something. She had no recollection of what he’d asked.

  “What did you say?” she asked her boyfriend. Her boyfriend! She didn’t get how he could remain so calm even while he drove her crazy.

  The handsome hell-raiser smiled and reached down to the center console to squeeze her trembling hand that rested there. “Oh, my lovely daydreamer, stop worrying. Don’t look at it as anything like a test or a job interview. They’re just people, and they’re meeting you as a person. They’ll love you. For over two years, they’ve been worried that
I hadn’t started dating again.”

  “But when they started worrying about you not dating, I’m sure they weren’t expecting you to date a gentile.”

  He dismissed her argument with a wave. “Remember, I talked to them two months ago, right after we got together. I told them everything. I was open about my beliefs too and how they changed long before I met you. Your ethnic background could hardly be as big a concern as my conversion. If they still love me after all that, their issues with you could only be minor.”

  Alex wrinkled her nose at the twinkle in his eye. “I can’t believe you’re teasing me when you know how nervous I am.”

  “That’s why I’m teasing you, my darling. Because you need to relax.”

  They stopped at a traffic signal, and he leaned over to plant a kiss on her lips. From the backseat, Aglaya paused her song long enough to giggle about their canoodling. The light turned green, and they took off again.

  After a moment of quiet, Alex said, “Even if they are just people, you’ve got to understand that I’m terribly out of practice socially. I spent three years on a farm in Maine where I’d go days seeing no one but my preschool-aged daughter.”

  “But you’re getting back into things. You’ve made friends here. And you have me; we socialize all the time.”

  Alexandra had developed friendly acquaintanceships with the parents of several of Aggie’s friends. She made regular “play dates” of her own with her neighbor Fern and a few women from the church she and Aggie attended with Matthew. And, of course, she had lots of social interaction with Matt himself. Alex wasn’t convinced any of this prepared her to meet a boyfriend’s family, something she hadn’t done since college. “Still, I spend the majority of my time with Aggie and her pint-sized compatriots.”

  “Then you and Wendy will have a lot in common. My sister-in-law spends most of her time with her kids. She and Jacob have five of them, remember, so she can’t be any less crazy than you are.”

  Alex had memorized names, photos, and several random facts about Matt’s grandmother, parents, brother, sister-in-law, and each of his three nieces and two nephews. Preparation was supposed to reduce anxiety. It didn’t work. Even now, Alex’s stomach turned several somersaults, and her palms grew slick with sweat. But meeting Matt’s family wasn’t something she could put off any longer. He’d become a huge part of Alex’s life, and Aggie had grown attached to him too.

  Their present relationship was great, but if they were to have a future, it would have to include his family as well. Obviously, that couldn’t happen if she and Aglaya never met them.

  Not that she worried about Aglaya. Aggie would do fine. She was a social genius. She’d probably gotten that from her birth mother.

  Alex sighed. That thought didn’t help, because it reminded her of something else she’d have to do if she and Matt were to have a future. She had a lot of history to tell him in a lot more detail than she had before. If she and the little girl passed inspection with his family, at least a bit of that would have to be next on the agenda.

  “How much have you told them?” she asked Matt suddenly.

  “I’ve told them how sweet you are and what a good mom. How clever and active Aggie is. About your amazing cheesecake. I’ve—”

  “Matthew. You know what I mean.”

  “I’ve told them that you’re afraid of your daughter’s father, but you haven’t told me exactly why yet or who he is.”

  “And they were okay with that?”

  “They’ll form their opinions on the kind of person you are. Not the kind of person your ex is.”

  My ex... Um, yeah, about that… But this wasn’t the time for that conversation, not quite.

  * * *

  That night, they left Aglaya’s room, quietly shutting the little girl’s sticker-decorated door behind them.

  “It went well today.” Matt’s voice was soft but cheerful as they made their way to the living room. “Don’t you think it went well, babe?”

  “It did,” Alex agreed. Aglaya played tag and make-believe with her potential cousins, especially Rachel, age six, and Micah, four. Three-year-old Haddassah hadn’t quite been able to keep up with the older kids but had made a courageous attempt for a long time before she crawled into Jacob’s lap and fell asleep. The children had taken to Alex as well, and she also had enjoyed interesting and entertaining conversations with each adult member of Matthew’s family. “Your family is friendly, my dear.”

  “I told you.”

  “Yes, you’re right. I wasted my worry.”

  He positioned himself to face her, and gently ran his index finger down the knittings in her brow and the bridge of her nose. “Then why, my angel, do you still look worried?”

  “I need to tell you something.”

  “Is that all? Look, I already know there’s a lot I don’t know. I care about you. I want to be with you. And I’m willing to wait to learn things until you’re ready to tell me—until you’re safe telling me.”

  “This is something you think you know, but what you believe is wrong, and I’ve let you believe it.”

  “What?” He looked alarmed. “Are you still married?”

  She shook her head. “I’ve never been married.”

  “So Aglaya was born out of wedlock.”

  “Well, yes, but—”

  “I knew that was a possibility, even likely. It doesn’t bother me. That’s not the way you and I are doing things, and that’s enough to make me happy.”

  Alex shook her head. A tear got away from her. He caught her chin and kissed her. First softly, then not quite so. After a minute, he pulled his lips away from hers, tucked her head under his chin, and held her gently around the waist. They swayed side to side, almost like they were dancing.

  “Whatever you need to say,” he said after several moments of silence.

  She blurted it out, tripping over her own tongue several times. “Aglaya’s not really, I mean, technically, mine. She’s not my daughter.”

  He said nothing.

  “Matt?”

  He cleared his throat, but he still seemed to have a frog in it when he said, “Please. Give me a minute.”

  She got scared, so she got angry. She pushed against his chest, trying to get away. He loosened his grip but refused to let her go completely. He stood still and silent, looking down into her face.

  “I knew you’d hate me,” she said.

  “Calm down. I need you to tell me exactly what you mean. Is she adopted?”

  “Not completely. I’m her legal guardian.”

  “So you haven’t, like, kidnapped her or anything?”

  Her eyes widened. “No!”

  “I didn’t think you would. Or, I mean, if you did, you would have had a very good reason. But it is much easier that you haven’t.”

  “Well, it’s more complicated than that.”

  “Is there a chance you might lose her?”

  “No. Her mother is dead, and her father could never seek custody. Everyone else agrees that she’s safer with me.”

  “And if the threat went away?”

  “Her mother’s family and I agreed they would have contact with her as soon as it was safe, but none of them think it’s in her best interest to leave me when I’m the only mother she remembers.”

  “Well, then she is your daughter. And if I married you, she could be mine.”

  Alex peered at him in shock.

  “What? Maybe I haven’t said so before in so many words, but I wouldn’t still be with you if I couldn’t consider you as a potential wife. Does that bother you?”

  Alex shook her head slowly.

  “Then this doesn’t change anything about my intentions or my hopes. Aglaya is the same little girl I love whether she has your DNA or not. And I know you don’t love her any less.”

  “She’s my sunshine.”

  “So nothing’s changed for me, Alexandra. We’re okay. You understand?”

  She nodded through her tears.

  “Wha
t’s wrong, though? Is there anything else you still really need to tell me?”

  My name, maybe?

  The thought appeared in her head, but she shook it away.

  “There’s not?”

  “Well, I still can’t discuss the specifics of the situation, of course. It’s need to know.”

  “Then we’re good. All right? We’re fine.”

  She nodded again, and he pulled her back into his arms.

  “No,” Ivanovich told her. “I don’t care what your boss pays me. I can’t send all of my girls out like that. I have other customers to keep happy. Your boss couldn’t pay me enough to ruin my business for the next three or four years.”

  “Well, you might at least think about it,” said Alice Carroll, Aili’s cover identity. “We’re only talking about a couple hours after all. And my boss may not be quite as rich as Secretary Tokan, but he might be able to afford more than you think.”

  “What did you say?” he asked Alice, his eyes narrowed, like something had just occurred to him.

  “What do you mean?”

  “What? Did? You? Just? Say?”

  The look on his face scared her. The suspicion, the anger, the hate. Had he made her as an undercover agent? Only then, she thought back over what she had said. No, she realized, suddenly queasy. She hadn’t been made, not exactly. She had given herself away. She should’ve just put a gun to her head.

  “Katya!” Ivanovich screamed. He grabbed Aili by the neck. “What has that little witch told you?”

  “Nothing,” she rasped.

  “Who are you?” He shook her and looked away. “Katya!” he shouted again.

  One of his armed henchmen appeared in the corridor, pushing Katya ahead of him. Ivanovich dropped Aili, grabbed Katya by the arm, and pushed her to the floor in front of the woman she knew as Alice. More of the criminal guards appeared, ready to defend their boss if he needed them. Ivanovich loomed over the young girl and held a gun to her head. He fumed, “What have you told her, you stupid, worthless girl?!”