Liberation Song

by Raelee May Carpenter

  “She’s told me nothing!” Aili screamed. “I already knew!”

  All sound ceased. Aili realized she had made yet another deadly mistake.

  “So you realize then,” Ivanovich said with a scary calm, “what a bad position I’m in now? And you surely must realize the only way—the only way—that I can get out of it?”

  Aili’s heart pounded out to her shaky fingertips. No, no, no, no. This isn’t happening. This is not happening.

  Ivanovich looked at his men. “Sergei, get Timofei and assemble the girls in the old barn. Arkady, you, get the baby.”

  Aili fell to her knees. What had she done? Twelve hours ago, she’d been confident that she could rescue all of the girls here. Now, with a careless word, she had killed the two she’d been sent to save.

  Ivanovich hauled Katya off the floor like a rag doll. He glanced from Aili to his Shangku errand boy. “Koli,” he said.

  The man grabbed Aili by the hair and dragged her to her feet. They followed Ivanovich out of the corridor, through the yard, and to the garage.

  Chapter Four

  Wendy leafed through the racks of winter- and holiday-themed pajamas. “So what did Aglaya ask for this year?”

  Alex tapped the handle of her cart and smiled as she recited her daughter’s Christmas list. “Oh, a kitty, a puppy, a monkey, a pony, and a baby elephant. Specifically, a purple elephant with green spots and orange hair on its head. Each with the same specific proviso.”

  “What’s that?”

  Alex quoted, “‘And it has to be a live one, Mommy, not a toy.’”

  Wendy chuckled. “Well, you should get right on that.”

  Alex shook her head and sighed. “She likes Matt’s iPad, but I’m not sure how I feel about getting her one of those.”

  “Jacob and I have one that all of our kids share. We do monitor it quite heavily though.”

  Alex nodded then bugged her eyes. “It’s a lot of money for a single gift for one little girl.”

  Alex could hardly believe they were having this discussion right now. Where had the time gone? It seemed like five seconds ago, she was celebrating Easter with her daughter, then she and Matt started dating soon after. Next thing she knew they were taking her little kitten trick-or-treating in the calico costume Alex clumsily stitched for her. This flustered mama needed to stop blinking or sleeping or something.

  Sometimes… Alex almost felt like a normal mom. Sometimes she almost forgot that her life and her daughter’s were under constant threat. Then she’d remember and the moments of forgetting scared her, but moments before she remembered… she was almost at peace.

  It was now the first Saturday in November. Jacob and Matt had taken the kids for a picnic, one that probably included Chicken McNuggets, at Fremont Park so she and Wendy could do their holiday shopping—Wendy for Chanukah and Alex for Christmas. Wendy had already loaded her cart with a toy, book, and candy treat for each of her five children and now selected a special set of pajamas for every one of them.

  Alex’s cart, however, held only a box of rainbow-colored, cherry candy canes for the tree, some flavored lip balm for Aggie’s stocking, and a new protective case for Matt’s smartphone.

  “Why don’t you order one of those eReaders that will also run apps and stuff?” Wendy suggested. “It would be a lot cheaper than an actual tablet computer, and now you can even set limits on how long your kid plays with it each day.”

  Alex thought about it. “That’s a good idea, Wen.”

  “I know. I’m a genius.”

  Alex laughed. “Can you get kids books for those things?”

  Wendy laughed. “Yeah, of course.”

  Okay, dumb question. “Because Aggie loves when I read to her, and now that she’s learning phonics, it would be great to have something like that. And easier than what I’m doing now, which is hauling a stack of oversized children’s story books practically everywhere we go.”

  Wendy grinned. “Well, there you go: it’s a gift for both of you.”

  “I will order it online tonight.”

  “So that’s decided. What else do you need to buy?”

  “A few more stocking stuffers, because stockings are what Santa does in our house. I also need at least one actual book, a Hallmark tree ornament in a series I get her, and some kind of stuffed animal. Every year, I give her a ‘stufftie’ on Christmas Eve, so she can sleep with it while she waits for Christmas morning.”

  “Oh, that’s a nice tradition.”

  “We like it. What kind of traditions do you guys have at Casa de Oro?”

  “Well, our faith is pretty big on tradition, so a lot of the stuff is built in to our holidays already. The candles, the latkes, the prayers. But we do have a different gift theme each night. We usually have extended family over on the first night, so that night is always a really big deal, and the kids love it.”

  “It sounds like a lot of fun.”

  “You and Aggie should come this year.”

  Alex’s eyes widened, and a bit of guilt nipped at her. “Oh, no, Wendy. I wasn’t angling for an invite. Seriously. That’s family time.”

  “No, Alex, it didn’t even occur to me that you were trying to invite yourself. Actually Jacob and I have talked about it for weeks. We just haven’t been sure how to bring it up. I mean…Well, you must know that my brother-in-law is serious about you and your relationship.”

  He was, of course. Though the scared, commitment-phobic part of Alex sometimes still liked to pretend he wasn’t. “I guess.”

  “Well, if you and Aggie want to be part of our family, if only for an evening, we would love to have you.”

  Alex wiped away a tear. It had been a long while since she’d had an extended family… well, unless you counted “them,” but they didn’t do holidays or anything. Really not the same. Aggie and Alex had been on their lonesome so long that she wasn’t even sure she knew how to do “family” anymore. “I’ll think about it, okay?”

  Wendy smiled and nodded. Alex could tell she wanted to welcome her but not pressure her, which was nice. All the same, Alex was glad when she changed the subject. She held up some fuzzy footie pajamas that were printed with little yellow ducks wearing colorful knit caps. “These are perfect for baby Sarah, don’t you think?” Jacob and Wendy’s youngest child was named after Matt’s late wife.

  Alex smiled and nodded.

  “Then we should check out and head to the Hallmark store. You can get your ornament, and they have some cute stuffed animals there too. They actually have some adorable ones that come with their own books.”

  “Hey!” Alex cheered. “Three birds with one stone! Boo. Yah.”

  “A mother of five learns efficiency, let me tell you,” Wendy declared as they pushed their baskets toward the checkout. “Or if she doesn’t, she just loses her mind entirely.”

  Alex giggled and popped a wheelie on her cart. “Race ya?”

  * * *

  “It needs more green sprinkles,” Aggie told Matt with wide eyes, a set jaw, and a rather serious tone.

  “You think so?” He sounded as though he believed the fate of the world hinged on this particular Christmas cookie looking “just right”—according to Aglaya’s inscrutable standards, which much more resembled childish whims than actual guidelines—when it came out of the oven. Over Aglaya’s bent head, Matt grinned and winked at Alex. Alex had to smile too; her little girl was rather adorable. Her rosy, cherubic face belied her intense, heartfelt, uncompromising opinions about absolutely everything.

  “Yes, Mattie,” Aggie said, in her best I’m-being-patient-with-you tone.

  “Well, we should take measures to remedy that oversight immediately.” He beautifully stressed the word “immediately,” much to the abject pleasure of his young baking partner.

  He handed Aglaya the green sprinkles and left her to it so he could step around the island. He came up behind Alex and put his arms around her waist. “Hey,” he whispered into her ear.

  “Hey, I’m busy,
” she responded, as she used a spatula to carefully lift her cut-out snowmen, angels, and stars from the rolled out dough on the counter.

  He kissed along her jaw, and she giggled. Aggie looked at them, sighed dramatically, and went back to placing the forest green sprinkles—one at a time, mind you—onto the raw cookie Christmas tree. Alex said, “Aglaya, please tell Mattie that Mommy needs to finish her project.”

  “Well, it is in-port-tant,” Aggie declared, giving Matt a disapproving look.

  “I know,” Matt said. “But hugs are important too, don’t you think?”

  The little girl thought a second, and Alex’s plan to recruit her four-and-a-half-year-old’s support backfired. “He’s right, Mommy. You better hug him.”

  “You two are ganging up on me. That’s not fair!” But Alex still laughed and turned around in Matt’s arms. She wrapped her arms—tight—around his ribs then stood on tiptoe to give him a peck on the mouth. She left flour from her hands all over his bright blue shirt, then tapped his nose with her left index finger to make it good. Aggie pointed at his powdery white nose and dissolved into fits of laughter. He let Alex go, dashed around the counter, lifted Aggie in his arms, and tickled her until her giggles stole her breath.

  Alex watched the scene; her heart welled with an ache of joy, fear, and desire. She wondered for half a second—if that—what it would be like to have a new baby with Matthew Gold. Not a baby she carried out of the jungle in her arms, but one she carried inside of herself. Immediately embarrassed at her own musings, she pushed the thought back far into her mind, wanting to hide it there forever. She turned to the sink to wash her hands and hoped he didn’t notice the red flush that was sure to be on her burning cheeks and neck.

  Hours later, after the cookies all had been cut, decorated, baked, and boxed; and the little girl had been bathed, lullabyed, and tucked into bed, the two lovers sat face to face on Alex’s couch listening to Celtic Christmas chamber music and drinking eggnog-flavored Christmas tea. Matt—who had only sort of celebrated Christmas, only at church, and only the last few years—was rather a good sport about all of Alex’s sappy bits of holiday atmosphere. They sat close enough that he could see her clearly with his own eyes, so he’d taken off his glasses and put them in his shirt pocket. For the most part, he seemed content to gaze at her and, every so often, give her a kiss, but as fun as all of that was, Alex soon felt compelled to begin a conversation.

  “So how did the big family Chanukah party go?”

  “Great,” he said. “The kids all loved the gifts you helped me pick out for them, by the way. And I had a nice, long talk with my grandmother.”

  “Yeah? What about?”

  “She has a lot of stories, you know. Old people are great for stuff like that. She was a young girl back during the war, so it was interesting, if a little terrifying, to hear about it. And she has some funny stories too. Apparently my dad was a pretty crazy kid, growing up in the fifties. Grandma tells me these tales, and Dad overhears and gets all blustery, ‘You shouldn’t tell the boys that, Mama; they’ll get ideas!’”

  Alex chuckled and asked, “And how were all the traditions this year? The candle-lighting and what not?”

  “You know, it was really nice. That was a good surprise for me. After my Sarah died, a lot of that sucked honestly, because it was all so full of the past, full of her. And I only ever watched the stuff at these family functions that I had to go to for everyone else. At home, on my own, I didn’t do any of it, because I couldn’t do it without her. None of it was right, you know, because it wasn’t the same as it was with her. But this time was different, because suddenly it was okay that it wasn’t the same. This was the first time since I lost her that the memories and all of it didn’t break my heart.”

  She patted his hand and kissed his cheek. He received her comfort with relish, not the closed-off, semi-resistance she often gave him. She loved him for that, for his openness, his being so unlike her. And a big part of her wished she could give him that same satisfaction. They lapsed back into silence a moment. Matthew broke it this time. “You could have come. You and Aggie both would have been welcome.”

  Alex cringed a bit involuntarily. “Um…”

  When she faltered, Matt continued, “Wendy said she mentioned it to you, but I should have said something myself. I should have made it clear that I really care about you two, and I want you to feel welcome in my family. I want you to want be a part of it. I mean, I know we’ve only been together eight months, but like I said months ago, I wouldn’t waste your time. I wouldn’t be with you if I weren't serious. And that’s still true.”

  “Well, I appreciate that. It’s okay though. Maybe I can come to the next one, if we’re still together then, you know.”

  He ignored her “if” comment, and she was glad, because she’d felt like kicking herself the second after she said it. He said, “My folks usually have the Pesach Seder at their house. Passover, I mean. I’m sure they’d love it if you came then.”

  “Oh, right.” That was in a few months; Alex had been thinking about next Chanukah. She fought a bit of panic, but at least she had some time (as long as she stayed on top of things better than she had in recent months) to think about how to handle that, some time to… To what? To jilt this man who loved her deeply, wanted to take care of her, and doted on her little daughter? What was her plan there, exactly?

  Matt narrowed eyes to peer at Alex. His mouth hung open slightly, and his tongue pushed at his bottom molars. “What is going in your brain right now, Lex? Because I may not have a psychology degree, but I see all kinds of mess at war in your face.”

  “I don’t know. I think that’s a long time away, you know. I’m not sure I want to make plans right now.”

  “Well, we don’t have to make plans, of course. It’s just a general state of mind that you should feel welcome at my family functions.”

  “Sure, I know. But a lot could happen between now and then.”

  “Like what? That I could suddenly decide I don’t actually love you? I don’t really work that way, sweetheart. I mean, there’s a part of me that still loves Sarah, and she’s been gone over five years.”

  “I know, and I respect that about you. That’s not what I mean. Well, I told you how our life is, mine and Aglaya’s, that something could happen to us.”

  “So you don’t want to talk about Pesach because you’re planning for some scary criminal to come out of the woodwork after four years and murder you and your daughter? Is that more likely than you being able to eat with us? Baby, seriously, you cannot plan your life around those freaky possibilities.”

  “Maybe that’s not what I mean…”

  “‘Maybe?’” He almost never got sarcastic with her, and then only playfully, flirting and gentle teasing. But with that one word, his voice dripped a frustrated brand of incredulity. “But what do you mean?”

  I mean that I don’t deserve you. I mean that there is no way after what I’ve done, what I caused, that God could possibly let me build a life with you and be happy. I mean that I have been so sad and so afraid for so long that I couldn’t believe it would ever turn around, so now that it has, I’m just waiting for the moment when it all disappears like smoke in the wind and I’m left with nothing but a seriously broken heart. But she didn’t say any of that. What she said was, “I don’t know.”

  Matt sighed. He closed his eyes and leaned his forehead against hers. After a moment, it suddenly occurred to her that he was praying, which for him involved as least as much listening as it did talking. She closed her eyes too and waited silently, awkward and unsure. After a few more minutes, he stood. She thought he was going to leave her and go home, but instead he took his glasses out of his shirt pocket and set them on her coffee table. Then he sat down again, behind her this time. He tucked her head under his chin and folded his body tightly around hers. He covered her, giving her a place to hide from all of her demons. His arms held her snugly around the ribs while her face collapsed in on itse
lf and silent tears streamed down her cheeks and chin and landed in large, dark drops on her jeans.

  Her face grew hot, her eyes almost exploded with the pressure of her sorrow, and that all sucked. She’d have the petechial hemorrhaging, the tiny bruises from broken capillaries, around her eyes in the morning. She knew that she should have just wept, sobbed, wailed, anything. She should’ve said to heck with it and made some noise.

  But she couldn’t. Like always, she just couldn’t let go.

  Aili lost her cool. She was already upset that she couldn’t think of a plan to help the boys, but she knew she could save the girls, and Beck didn’t even want her to try. “But you don’t get it, Agent Beck,” she said, her voice dripping passion and urgency. “It’s not just Katya. It’s all of them. I can’t sleep at night. They haunt me. They’re just scared little girls, and I can’t stand the idea of them stuck in that filthy, stinking hell another day, let alone another twelve to eighteen months. Do you know how many of them will be dead by then? And what if our best estimates are wrong? What if it’s longer?”

  He shook his head. “Agent MacIntire, I understand more than you give me credit for. Why do you think I risk my life to do this job if I wasn’t hoping to save these little girls? I mean, I have a ten-year-old daughter of my own back in Devonshire; I don’t relish the idea of letting children suffer. But I also have a lot more experience than you do, and I’m telling you this is already an extremely risky operation. Ivanovich may look like a big, stupid oaf, and he’s certainly not as well-read as you are, I’ll give you that. However, he is not an idiot. He’s spent the last two decades ghosting hundreds, maybe thousands, of girls around the planet, and he’s avoided prison terms in all of these countries. He won’t be easy to fool.”

  Aili rolled her eyes. “I’m not asking you to sell him the Brooklyn Bridge, sir. I’m just asking if you and your team could arrange transport for these abused, enslaved children if I did convince him to let them out.”

  “My team, Agent? Is that it now? Since when are you not part of this team, MacIntire?”