Bouquet Toss

by Melissa Brown

  Several days later, I arrive home after a grueling day with my students. I was not my normal patient self with them and I feel terrible about it. My mood has been quite sour since the night I dreamed of Mayson. Each spare moment I have, I find my mind drifting to him and to the dream. I am angry with myself for allowing him back into my mind and into my heart.

  The phone is ringing as I enter my apartment. Quickly, I grab the phone without glancing at the caller ID.

  “Hello?” I ask, out of breath.

  “Daphne, honey, it’s Cece.” Nerves throughout my body flare as I’m not sure she is the person I can handle speaking to today.

  “Hey, Cece. How are you?” I rally myself enough; she does not seem to notice my hesitancy in speaking with her.

  “I’m doing pretty well, Daphne. I was thinking of you this afternoon. You popped into my head and I wanted to say hello. How is work?”

  “Well, today wasn’t the best. My students were a bit squirrelly and I’m afraid I didn’t handle it as I should have. I haven’t been sleeping well.”

  “Oh no, I’m sorry to hear that, dear. Is anything the matter?” I can’t. I can’t tell Cece that I’m dreaming of her son. And I certainly can’t tell her why it has me so upset. She knows nothing of Tanner. I’m too cowardly to share for fear of hurting her and threatening our friendship.

  “No. I think it’s just beginning of the school year stuff, nothing major.”

  “Well, that’s good. I started taking pottery classes. It’s been a really good stress reliever for me, so therapeutic. You might need an outlet like that, honey. Teaching is a really stressful profession. You deserve to unwind, take it easy.”

  “I’m thinking of treating myself to a massage,” I sigh.

  “Great idea, dear. I think it would do you good.”

  “Enough about me, Cece. How are things with you? How is your husband doing?” Cece groans a bit into the phone.

  “Ah, well, Jack is still struggling, Daphne. Mayson was his world. Getting him to talk to me has been a challenge, especially about his son.”

  “He’s trying to be strong for you.”

  “I know, but it is maddening at times. I know everyone grieves differently, but I wish he would still talk about Mayson. He acts as if he never existed. And when I want to talk about him, to remember the good stuff, he shuts down. And then I feel guilty. It’s a vicious circle.” She pauses, taking a deep breath and sighing into the phone, “I shouldn’t be putting this on your shoulders, Daphne. I’m sorry. You lost him, as well.”

  “No, it’s really alright. I still miss him, of course. We understand one another in a way that others do not.”

  “I guess that’s true, dear.” She replies before a long silence lingers in the air. I bravely ask the question I’ve been wondering for months.

  “Do you ever hear from Brynn?” I ask.

  “No, I’m afraid she cut off contact with us shortly after the funeral. I think she needed to move on and I remind her of the pain my son caused.”

  “And the pain that I caused, as well,” I suggest. “Do you think she is angry with you for embracing me, for being open and welcoming towards me? I can only imagine how that must’ve felt for her.”

  “I know. I suppose I hurt her deeply when I reached out to you. But, the truth is, in situations like these, I must let emotion rule my actions. I felt a bond with you and I pursued it. And now, we’ve built a friendship. Yes, it is based on pain, but it is precious to me. I wouldn’t trade it. My Mayson is gone, but you, you’ve brought a light back into my life and I am so grateful. That is a role that Brynn was never able to fill. And I think she knew that.”

  “I treasure our friendship, too.” This is it; this is the moment to tell her all about Tanner, to tell her about my love for him and my conflict regarding her son. She will know I am not trying to hurt her. Do it, Daphne. Say something, anything. I open my mouth to speak when Cece beats me to it.

  “Oh, Daphne, honey, I need to run. My husband just got home and he seems chipper. I need to seize the moment. Maybe he’ll actually take his Missus out for dinner tonight,” she laughs. My heart sinks, but hearing the levity in her voice causes me to retreat. I can’t say anything, not yet.

  “Thanks for calling, Cece. I hope you have a nice evening with Mr. Holt.”

  “I’ll speak with you soon, dear. I love our chats.”

  “Me too,” I smile. It’s the truth.

  The breeze is refreshing and light up here, so high in the sky. Down on the street below, buses are zooming by and dozens of people are enjoying their picnics on the grassy knoll. His arm is wrapped around me as we gaze at the streets of Paris. I breathe in a happy, refreshing breath of air as I glance at my hand. The sparkling diamond ring is so new to me, yet so familiar. It sparkles and shines on my left hand, a wedding band sits beneath it. My brow arches as I struggle to remember my wedding. I search my brain to remember how I came to be perched atop the Eiffel Tower, wrapped in my husband’s arms. He speaks, his husky voice is unmistakable.

  “I always knew I wanted to bring you here, Daphne. Ever since the day I arrived here all those years ago. Do you love it as much as I do?” His voice is robust and deep, yet so light and full of hope.

  “Of course I do, Mayson. It’s everything I dreamed it would be,” the words come out as if someone else is speaking them. My brain continues to panic and I yell at myself to wake up, to come out of my Mayson induced euphoria. But my subconscious fights me with all its might, and before I know it, I am turning to my husband and kissing him deeply, stroking his pale skin with my fingers and loving every second.

  The panic is gone and I am completely wrapped up in my dream, in my fantasy of being Mrs. Mayson Holt as we stroll through the streets of Paris. Mayson points out the distinct French architecture as he wraps his arm around my waist, never letting go. It is blissful and romantic and I never want to wake up.

  Suddenly, a taxi is speeding towards us. We attempt to make it across the street as the driver furiously honks his car horn. Beep! Beep! Beep!

  I wake up with a start, realizing the beeping is not from a horn. I am not in Paris and there are no rings on my fingers. I’m in my bed, alone, after dreaming, yet again, of Mayson. I quickly switch off the alarm and stare at the ceiling in agony. The tears begin to flow at full force as I wrestle with my dream. Why does my subconscious continue to torture me?

  Guilt fills my heart as I realize that my boyfriend is halfway across the globe as I continue to dream about another man. This would kill Tanner. But, the dreams are becoming more frequent and more comfortable. I am being pulled towards Mayson once again. I am powerless to stop the magnetic tow of the love that I still feel for him. I cannot purge him from my heart, from my soul.

  That morning, Tanner calls. I can’t pick up the phone. His message brings tears to my eyes.

  “Daphne, Daph? Are you there? Please pick up. I miss you so much, sweetheart. We haven’t spoken in days. Where are you?” He sighs heavily into the phone, “I hope you’re alright. I wish I could see you, feel you and hold you in my arms. Daphne, I love you. Please call me.”

  Tears wet my cheeks as I listen to his message over and over again. But, I don’t call him back. I fear he will hear the hesitation in my voice and sense the betrayal in my heart. Instead, I walk to my dresser drawer and slowly pull out the box that has been hidden away since Mayson’s funeral. The feel of the velvet box in my hand sends shivers down my spine. Without another thought, I open it and place the ring on my left hand. The band feels so foreign on my finger, but I cling to it as I walk through my apartment, wondering if it was meant for me. I spend the day in my bed thinking about Mayson and what we could’ve been.

  “How long has he been gone?” Morgan asks over Saturday morning breakfast at our favorite Mom and Pop diner. The cool fall weather is perfect for dining outside on the patio, although I don’t feel so chipper this morning.

  “Three weeks now.” My voice is sullen as I push my scrambled eggs
around the large white plate.

  “You must miss him.”

  “Yeah,” I shrug.

  “What do you mean, ‘yeah’, Daphne? What the hell is going on with you?” Morgan slams her fork down. Her gorgeous engagement ring sparkles in the morning sun. After breakfast, we are headed to Morgan’s wedding venue to meet with the caterer.

  “I don’t know, I’ve had a lot on my mind, I guess.”

  “Care to elaborate, dear cousin?” I stare off into space, knowing Morgan will be livid if she hears the truth.

  “I’ve been having these dreams. They are getting more and more intense. They are romantic and sensual and altogether wonderful.”

  “So, what’s the problem?” Morgan looks legitimately confused.

  “They’re not about Tanner,” I whisper.

  “Mayson?” I nod. “Seriously, Daphne, we’re back to Mayson again? He’s gone, sweetie. Why are you torturing yourself?”

  “I wish I knew, Morgan. It’s awful. I feel myself pulling away from Tanner. We’ve hardly spoken in over a week and I know it’s because of me. He emails me every day and I don’t always respond. I guess I’m getting used to being apart from him.”

  “That’s bullshit!” Morgan snaps, smacking her hand on the table. I gasp in shock, startled by the harsh tone of her normally chipper voice. “I’m sorry, Daphne, but it is. It’s complete and utter bullshit. I’m not going to let you screw up the best thing that has ever happened to you!”

  Morgan pauses, staring at me with inquisitive eyes.

  “You’ve been talking to her again, haven’t you?” I know exactly who she is talking about.

  “Yes.” My head hangs in shame, staring at my toes. Morgan reaches across the table and takes my hands in hers.

  “This isn’t right. You need to end this relationship. Do not allow your friendship with this woman to destroy what you have with Tanner. You will hate yourself forever if you do.”

  “I can’t do that, Morgan. She means too much to me. She’s the only one who I can to talk about him. If she is gone from my life, it’s almost as if he never existed.”

  “Why can’t you live in a world where Mayson was a part of your past? Why do you have to destroy your future by clinging to what might have been? Daph, this isn’t healthy. And I’m afraid that you are self-sabotaging a loving and respectful relationship for the memories of really hot sex.”

  “That’s not all it was, Morgan.”

  “Well, it wasn’t much else, other than frustration and heartache. Is Tanner not doing it for you?” Morgan is not trying to offend me. She is searching for an answer, digging like a detective into the twisted brain of Daphne Harper.

  “No! Sex with Tanner is like nothing I’ve ever experienced…even with Mayson. It’s…amazing.”

  “So, then, is it his personality? You guys are always in sync; you’re always joking around with your little quips. Is that all for show?”

  “No, absolutely not. I love how we tease one another relentlessly. It’s part of his charm. He makes me feel sexy and funny. I love it.”

  “You weren’t funny with Mayson, Daphne.”

  “You’re right. I wasn’t.”

  “Then, seriously, what the hell is it?”

  “It’s the ‘what if’, Morgan? It’s haunting me to my very soul. I wish I had never accepted that engagement ring. It keeps popping up in my dreams. It’s a reminder of what could’ve been.”

  Morgan’s eyes grow harsh as she glares at me, “You did what?”

  Panic spreads throughout my brain. I’ve revealed my secret to Morgan. I hadn’t planned for her to ever know about the ring. But, my conflicted heart has gotten the best of me.

  “Cece gave it to me,” I whisper.

  “And you kept it? What on earth were you thinking? Need I remind you that we don’t even know if that ring was for you?”

  “I know! I couldn’t part with it,” I say, pleading with her to understand.

  “Ugh, I could kill that woman. She is ruining your chances at happiness, you know that, right?” She shrieks at me.

  “No, it’s my fault. I made the decision to keep it and hide it from everyone in my life. I could’ve mailed it back to her; I should’ve done that. But, I didn’t. I held onto it.”

  “I know this may seem harsh, but it’s time for you to let it go. He wasn’t the one. It’s that easy. I’ve said this before to you, but I’ll say it again now, don’t be afraid of the real thing. It’s here. He’s here for you and if you let Tanner slip through your fingers, you’ll have more regrets than you’ll know how to handle and no piece of jewelry is going to make you feel any better about that.” I nod as tears stream down my swollen cheeks. I know Morgan’s right. I need to snap out of this. I need to be with Tanner, body and soul. I need to summon the strength to send the ring back to Cece. But, I’m not sure that I am ready.

  Chapter 33

  Secrets

  “Your parents are so much fun,” Tanner says as we enter my apartment. We’ve just returned from a Sunday night barbecue at my Mom and Dad’s place. He arrived home from Japan a few days ago and I’ve done everything in my power to hide my inner turmoil from my boyfriend. But, Tanner has been quiet ever since we left my childhood home. I’m relieved that he is finally speaking.

  “I’m so glad you get along so well.” I reply, running my hands over his shoulder, trying to assess if he is alright. “You spent quite a bit of time chatting with my mom earlier. She seems to really like you.” I smile.

  “Yep,” Tanner tenses up immediately.

  “Babe, what’s the matter?” I ask, running my fingers through his hair.

  “Nothing, just still a little jetlagged, that’s all,” he offers a weak smile.

  “Hmm, maybe we should get ready for bed. You’re staying over, right?”

  “Yeah, but I don’t have anything to sleep in. Aside from my birthday suit,” he raises his eyebrows playfully.

  “Well, you won’t hear any complaints from me, but I do have a couple of your t-shirts in my dresser if you want something to wear.” I say, walking towards the bathroom.

  Tanner peeks in and I glance at him through the mirror, “Thanks, sweetheart,” he smiles warmly.

  I run the water and pull my hair back into a pony-tail. Splashing my face with the warm water, I lather up my face wash and scrub my skin gently. As I am rinsing the suds from my face, I hear Tanner calling my name. I quickly grab my washcloth, dabbing my cheeks gently as I walk out of the washroom.

  “What is it, babe?” I ask, “Do you need help finding a t-shirt?” I stop dead in my tracks. The top drawer of my dresser is wide open and Tanner is holding a small velvet box in his hand. His expression is unclear. He looks baffled, confused, lost.

  “Daph?” he laughs uncomfortably, “What is this?”

  My pulse quickens and my face falls. I cannot speak. I turn and walk towards the kitchen, escaping the questions that follow me.

  “Daphne, what is this?”

  Still, I do not answer. I turn and my tears give me away.

  “Is this from him?” Tanner has never been able to say Mayson’s name. He just can’t do it. He looks down at the ring as if it is poison.

  “I don’t know,” I choke out the words, responding as honestly as I can.

  “What do you mean, you don’t know?” I’ve never seen Tanner like this. He is angry, defensive and demanding answers.

  “It may have been for me. Cece gave it to me after the funeral. She felt it belonged to me.”

  “Who the hell is Cece? You said she was your aunt.” Tanner snaps. My lies are unfolding. Oh God, I am going to lose him. “She isn’t, is she?”

  “Please don’t be mad,” I whisper.

  “Who is she, Daphne? Your mom and I were talking tonight and she mentioned her sister’s name was Jennifer. And I already know your Dad doesn’t have any sisters. I was going to let it go, bring it up another time. But, now I know she is tied to this ring, which means somehow she is connected to him�
�”

  “She’s Mayson’s mother.”

  “And she gave you an engagement ring? Why?” I stare into his eyes, pleading for him to stop his demands. But, he presses on. “Why, goddamnit? Why do you have an engagement ring hidden in your drawer?” His cheeks are growing red with anger and frustration.

  “I don’t know. She gave it to me and I couldn’t get rid of it.”

  “He was going to propose to you? I thought he had a girlfriend. None of this makes sense, Daphne, none of it. I thought you were past all of this, I thought you were ready to move on…with me.”

  “I am, Tanner, I am!”

  “No, you’re not! That’s clear now. If you were ready for a future with me, you wouldn’t have this. Here, take it, I can’t stand touching it,” He presses the ring into its slot and snaps the box shut. I extend my hand and grasp the box.

  “Tanner, please listen to me.”

  “Tell me about Cece. Tell me about why you have a relationship with her. Why does she call you so often? Why is she texting you? I don’t understand.”

  “We connected when Mayson had his accident. We formed an instant bond. It’s hard to explain, Tanner.”

  “Okay, so why did you feel the need to hide this bond? Why couldn’t you just tell me about her?”

  “I was afraid it would scare you away. You were so afraid of being my rebound. I didn’t want to tell you for fear that it would break us apart.”

  “And so, instead, you lied to me?” His voice drips with disdain.

  “Yes, and I’m so very sorry.”

  “Does she know about me?” Tanner persists. My pulse races and panic sets in. My mouth feels dry and parched. I don’t know what to say. I glance away for just a moment, but that’s all it takes. He knows me too well.

  “She doesn’t, does she?” he asks incredulously.

  “I didn’t want to hurt her, Tanner!”

  “And I mean so little to you that you were willing to lie to me and about me for months? How can I possibly trust you now? You’ve been hiding this for our entire relationship! I’ve been giving you my heart, giving you my soul and you’ve been lying to me. And the worst part is, I’ve told everyone how crazy I am about you, everyone! And you’ve been keeping me a secret, like you’re ashamed of what we have.”