Bouquet Toss

by Melissa Brown

  “You know that’s not true, Tanner. I love you.”

  “I’m finding that hard to believe. But, at least some other things are making sense now. All of those text messages that you get when we’re together. My god, the woman calls and texts you all the time!”

  “She’s my friend. We talk.”

  “About what? What do you talk about? I’m obviously not important enough to come up in discussion,” he hisses. Feeling trapped, I lash out at him.

  “Speaking of friends, who is Tracey?” I ask defensively.

  “Tracey’s a co-worker. Why?”

  “Earlier today, your phone buzzed. I picked it up in order to hand it to you, but I saw your text history with her. You didn’t tell me she went to Japan with you. You must have hundreds of messages from her on your phone. Obviously, I’m not the only one who’s been keeping secrets.”

  “I’m not cheating on you, Daphne.” Tanner replies matter-of-factly, his eyes rolling slightly. He knows what I’m doing.

  “Well, I’m not sure I believe you.” I attempt to stand strong. But, he knows me too well.

  “I would never do that to you. You’re making assumptions. I’m not him, Daphne.”

  “How dare you say that? How dare you bring him up just to distract me from what is obviously going on behind my back!”

  “And what is so obvious? A co-worker sent me text messages? I hate to tell you this, but in the world of technology, co-workers send messages to communicate with one another every damn day. Tracey and I were working cooperatively in Japan. That’s it!”

  “But, she wanted to see you after work. And you agreed. I read the messages, Tanner. There was no mention of a project. More importantly, I can read you. You’ve been so different ever since you got back from Tokyo. How do I know you two didn’t hook up while you were there?”

  “We didn’t know anyone else in the country, Daphne. She’s happily married with two children. I’ve met her husband several times. He’s a great guy. And me? I’ve been the same person I’ve always been. You’re jumping to conclusions because you’ve been down this road before, only you didn’t find out until it was too late. I know you’re afraid to feel that way again. But, I’m not him, Daphne.”

  “You need to stop talking about Mayson as if you know what happened, as if you know how he felt about me. Because, you don’t! And you have no right to insinuate that, that---“

  “That he cheated on you? That he cheated on his girlfriend of several years with you? I don’t need to insinuate anything, Daphne. It’s all pretty transparent.”

  “You didn’t know him, Tanner. He cared about me. He loved me.” Tanner’s eyes widen. He throws his hands up in the air, exasperated.

  “God, would you listen to yourself? Do you honestly think that man treated you the way he did and actually loved you? And do you really think that I would be standing here, fighting for you as I always have, if I didn’t love you?”

  “Stop it! Just go, please.” I regret the words as soon as they spill from my jaw. It will kill me if he walks out that door.

  Tanner walks to me, places his fingers on the bottom of my chin, lifting it up so that our eyes meet. He looks forlorn, beaten and tired. “I hate him for doing this to you, Daphne. I hate that you defend him all the time and that you allowed yourself to keep that ring. How could you do that, Daphne? I hate that you’re unable to move on from him and that you’ve attached yourself to his mother in order to keep him in your life, even in a minute way. I hate that you keep comparing me to him...I hate that you compare me to…to… ”

  “To a dead man?” I shriek in horror.

  “No, damnit! To a person who didn’t deserve you. A person who made you feel as if you weren’t entitled to all of the happiness in the world. A person who couldn’t, or wouldn’t, give you all of himself. And now, because of him, I fear you can never give me all of you. And I need all of you, Daphne. I won’t settle for less.”

  Sobbing, I collapse into a heap on the floor, hanging my head in shame. I would do anything to escape this confrontation, escape what Tanner is forcing me to deal with.

  “I wish I could go back...just go back” I sob uncontrollably, choking on the words as they exit my mouth. Tanner is silent for what feels like hours. Then, he kneels before me, placing his hands gently on my thighs. He speaks in a low whisper.

  “I wish he had never shown up to Elise’s wedding. I wish you had joined me for that drink after your speech. Maybe then you could’ve gotten to know me before your world fell apart. I wish a lot of things, Daphne. But, it feels like your regrets are different than mine. I should go.”

  “No, no, wait. I didn’t mean....” I’ve pushed too far. Tanner has misread me. I want to go back and reject that ring. I want to tell Cece all about him. I want to tell her that I’ve fallen in love. I want to let her go, let the ring go, finally let Mayson go. But, he is done listening to me. It’s too late for redemption.

  “It’s alright,” he says as he climbs to his feet, “Maybe I pushed too hard. Maybe this isn’t right.” Tears are forming in his eyes, but he won’t look away from me.

  “You said you would fight for me. Please, don’t go.”

  “I can’t fight anymore, Daphne. As much as I love you, this is killing me.”

  “But, I love you, too, Tanner. You know I do,” I whimper.

  “But, you still love him, too. It’s obvious to me now.” He says, looking down sadly at the velvet box nestled in my hand. “I can’t compete with a memory. I thought I could, but I can’t. I don’t think anyone can. You will always remember Mayson the way you want to remember him. Over time, you’ll forget all of the bad stuff and focus only on the good. You’ll focus on that ring in your hands and the future you could’ve had with him if things had been different. How can you and I possibly have any sort of future together if you are clinging to the past? You need to sort through your feelings. I can’t do it for you.”

  “Tanner, I—“

  “I’m not leaving to hurt you. But, I must protect my own heart. And right now, it’s breaking. I can’t take any more, no more rings, no more comparisons. No more, Daphne.” He leaves my apartment and I am completely alone. My heart is broken.

  Chapter 34

  Coffee

  It’s been almost a week since Tanner left my apartment. He hasn’t called, hasn’t emailed or sent a text. It’s like he was never here. As if he was never in my life, never in my heart. I’ve been unable to leave my apartment, torn between the man I lost and the man who I don’t think I ever really had. My phone, my link to the outside world at the moment, interrupts my wallowing thoughts. At first, I’m tempted to ignore the phone, until I hear a familiar voice talking into my answering machine.

  “Hey Daphne, it’s Evan. Are you home? Pick up, Daphne. Morgan told me you haven’t been leaving your apartment. I know you’re there.” Slowly, I make my way to the telephone, placing the receiver to my ear.

  “Evan?”

  “Ah, she’s alive,” his voice is dripping with sarcasm. “Hey, what are you doing in, say, thirty minutes?”

  “I don’t know, sleeping?”

  “Want to meet me for a cup of coffee? It’s my treat.”

  “Hmm, that’s a tempting offer.” My voice is laced with mockery, but the sadness that lurks behind my attempt at derision is terribly obvious.

  “Come on, Daphne. We haven’t hung out in a while. I’d like to catch up.”

  “I don’t think I’d be very good company, Evan,” I say softly, “Tanner broke up with me.”

  “Yeah, I’m sorry. Morgan told me.”

  “So, you and Morgan are buddies now?” What the hell?

  “Look, Daphne, she filled me in. Thirty minutes, at the Starbucks on Lake Street.” He is not taking ‘no’ for an answer.

  “Alright, I’ll be there in an hour. I haven’t showered yet.”

  “Yeah, definitely take care of that. Bathing is essential. I don’t want to feel like I’m hanging out with Pigpen from the
Peanuts cartoons.” A slight chuckle escapes my lips and it shocks me. I haven’t laughed all week.

  Walking into the Starbucks, I see Evan. He is as handsome as ever, seated in a leather armchair near the fireplace. His short brown hair has been recently trimmed. His olive skin looks beautiful against the dark black t-shirt that clings to his muscular arms. He gives me a sensitive and knowing smile as he stands to greet me with a warm hug. As we pull apart, he glances at his watch.

  “I thought we said we’d meet in an hour. You’re a bit late, my dear.” He teases.

  “Yeah, I forgot to mention I needed to wash my hair multiple times.” He raises an eyebrow, “It’s been a while.” I shrug.

  “Things are that bad, huh?” he winces.

  I nod, holding back tears. “Come on, let’s get something to drink and you can tell me all about it.” He takes my hand and leads me to the register. Evan orders my favorite pumpkin spice latte, handing it to me with a gentle smile as if I am too weak to do it myself. Perhaps I am. Moments later, we find ourselves seated back by the armchairs. It is a secluded area of the small café and I am grateful that Evan has chosen this spot for that reason. The thought of having strangers see my tears makes me sick to my stomach.

  “So, spill it, Daphne. Why did Tanner break up with you?”

  “Well, you’ve been talking to Morgan, so I have a feeling you already have this information, Evan.”

  “Guilty as charged.” He admits, shrugging his shoulders and blowing softly on his mocha latte. “But, why don’t you tell me anyway?”

  “It’s about Mayson,” I pause, reluctant to continue, “Tanner thinks I’m still in love with him.”

  “Well, are you?” Evan’s voice is stern and direct. I find it hard to make eye contact with him.

  “No,” I snap.

  “Daphne? Come on, it’s me. I know how much Mayson meant to you; how much he hurt you. You can tell me the truth.” His no-nonsense approach is wearing me down. I feel my resolve slipping away. My heart is getting ready to spill.

  “I still feel connected to him, yes. But, I’m not in love with him anymore. I love Tanner.”

  “Well, I think he’s great, and I saw how you were with him at the bar. You seemed so happy. Morgan is certain that he’s the one for you.”

  “I’m guessing that’s why she sent you?” Disdain fills my voice once again.

  “She didn’t send me, Daphne. I was concerned. I wanted to make sure you were all right. And I wanted to help if I could.”

  “And how can you help me, Evan?”

  “Well, you’ve heard my sob story. You know what Kate did to me. She ripped me to shreds. And from what I gather about Mayson, he did the same thing to you. I hate to think that his ghost is haunting you and keeping you from being happy with someone who’s actually worth your time.”

  “Well, it’s not all about Mayson. It’s about his mother, too.”

  “His mother?” A large crease forms between his eyes. He looks genuinely perplexed.

  “Morgan didn’t fill you in on that part of the story, huh?”

  “Nope, I honestly have no idea how Mayson’s mother could possibly fit into your break-up with Tanner.”

  “I know; it’s bizarre. She and I formed a friendship after Mayson’s accident and I neglected to tell Tanner about her. In fact, I lied about it. Tanner is someone who has no tolerance for dishonesty.”

  “Isn’t that a good thing? I would think you’d be so thankful to be with a man like that after all of the lies Mayson told you over the years.”

  “It is, but I didn’t want to hurt him. And I didn’t want to hurt her.”

  “So, let me guess---she didn’t know either?” Nodding, I hang my head.

  “That’s messed up, Daphne. I’m sorry, but it is. He had every right to walk away. I think I’d have done the same thing.” As the words pour from Evan’s mouth, I suddenly realize how ridiculous all of this sounds.

  “Well, there’s more.”

  “Tell me,” he says, sitting back, taking a sip of his coffee. I take in a big breath.

  “There was a ring.”

  “You need to be more specific,” Evan raises an eyebrow as he speaks.

  “An engagement ring,” I say softly.

  “From Tanner? Did he propose to you?” Evan presses. I shake my head as I stare at the floor.

  “Cece gave me a diamond ring that she found in Mayson’s apartment. She felt it was mine.”

  “But, that doesn’t make much sense.” He looks skeptical, “You told me months ago, that he had a very serious girlfriend.” I nod again. He groans, shaking his head in obvious disbelief at the tangled web I’ve weaved. “So, you kept the ring and Tanner somehow discovered it?”

  “Yes, and all my lies began to catch up with me.”

  “Listen, here’s the deal, Daphne. I really do think this relationship is salvageable. He didn’t walk away because he stopped loving you or because he wanted to see someone else. He broke up with you because you hurt him. We may act tough, but men’s egos are easily bruised. We don’t like competing for a woman. And if we genuinely care for her, we don’t want to be hidden from her friends or family.” Evan takes a deep breath, assessing my eyes for tears before he continues, “Listen, this is like a storm. You must decide if you want to weather it. Do you want to weather the storm with Tanner or not?”

  “I do.” I’ve never been so sure of anything in my life.

  “Then, you must let go of Mayson’s ghost. That’s all he is now, a ghost who is haunting your every decision. He’s your “coulda-woulda-shoulda.” You need to let that go. It’s not going to get you anywhere. You have some big decisions to make, Daphne. And once you make them, that’s it. You can’t go back. The question is, is Tanner worth it?”

  “Yes, he is so worth it.”

  “Good. You’re lucky. I still haven’t found someone who has been enough. No one has been enough for me to let go of Kate, even though I know I should. But, learn from my mistakes. There have been so many women who I couldn’t let in. They’re quickly becoming my ‘coulda-woulda-shouldas.’ Don’t live your life like that.

  I’ve been involved with wonderful women who wanted to pursue something real with me. But, I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t commit because I couldn’t let go of her. It sucks. So, have a glass of wine, sort through your emotions, tell Tanner how you feel. Fight against the storm and let go of the ghost. And for the love of God, get rid of that ring. It has no place in your life. You will never be happy if you keep holding on to the past. And that ring is part of your past. It’s not your future.”

  Evan’s right. I’m not ready to let go of Tanner. I want nothing more than to weather this storm together, to be with him fully and completely. I need to let go of the mirages, let go of my vision of happily ever after with a man who was never faithful to me. I must let go of Mayson’s ghost and convince Tanner that I love him. I need to fight for him as he has always fought for me. He is worth it. His love, his devotion, has been a gift. I can only hope he will be willing to weather the storm with me after all I’ve done to push him into the rain, covering myself with my fantasies, with my mirage, with my ghost.

  But, first, I must go to Charleston. I need to return the ring to Cece.

  Chapter 35

  Charleston

  “Daphne, dear, I’m so happy to see you,” Cece hugs me tight then grasps me by the shoulders. “It was such a pleasant surprise to hear you would be in town.” We are standing outside of Blossom Restaurant in downtown Charleston. Cece insisted it was the very best seafood in town.

  “Well, my aunt has a place in Charleston. I’ve been meaning to check it out. I thought it would be great for us to catch up in person.” My nerves are flaring. I’m terrified to hurt this kind, gentle woman who has welcomed me with open arms into her family, into her life.

  “This is a lovely restaurant. The smells are incredible,” I muster, trying to sound casual.

  “Let’s go in, dear. I’m sure our table
is ready.”

  After ordering lunch and chatting briefly over garlic rolls and iced tea, I know it is time to admit why I am really here. It is time to end my friendship with Cece in order to reclaim my relationship with Tanner. Taking a deep breath, I begin the conversation I’ve been dreading for weeks.

  “Cece, I have a confession to make. Yes, my aunt really does live in Charleston. But, I’m really here to see you.”

  “Oh? Well, I’m flattered. That’s so nice, Daphne,” Cece replies, not sensing the regret in my tone.

  “Well, this is going to be hard to say.”

  “Go ahead, dear. You know you can talk to me.”

  “Yes, I know and I love that about you. You see, I’ve been hiding something from you, something really big. I’ve met someone.”

  Cece breathes in deeply, leaning back ever so slightly in her chair. “Oh. Well, Daphne, of course you must know that I didn’t expect you to stay single forever. I didn’t expect you to never date again. Besides, you told me your date with that strange movie snob.”

  “That was different.”

  “Why is it so different? You didn’t make me uncomfortable telling me about your date. You’re a young woman. I knew, on some level, that eventually you would start seeing other men besides Mayson. Life goes on.” She shrugs, her eyes growing moist as she speaks. She lifts her spoon and stirs her tea, avoiding my prying eyes.

  “It was different because I didn’t have any feelings for Abram. I’m in love, Cece. And I’m terrified that I’m going to lose him.”

  “Why would you lose him?” She pauses, looking deep into my eyes. She sighs before continuing, “Does this have something to do with Mayson? Are you still in love with Mayson, honey?” Her expression is pained and ridden with guilt.

  “I think a part of me will always love your son. Part of me will always wonder what could’ve been. But, the thing is, I’ve met someone incredible. Someone who makes me feel alive for the first time in so long. He makes me feel things that even--” I hesitate, not wanting to make her hurt even more. I feel like a terrible person.