Something Worth Fighting For

by McNiel, Ashley

  “You’re welcome here anytime, Ellie. You’re one of my kids now too.” She kissed my cheek and wiped her eyes. “Enough tears, let’s go talk about that boy of ours.” She hooked my arm with hers, leading me to the kitchen.

  “I think I’m going to get a puppy when I get back. It’ll be good company for me while he’s gone and a friend for him when he gets back.” I said as I sat down at the bar.

  “That is an excellent idea.” She poured us each a glass of wine as she sat down next to me. “Atlas always loved dogs, it’ll be a good companion for him. How is school?”

  “It’s a bit overwhelming right now. Between working, school, getting my things ready to graduate, and staying up all hours so I don’t miss an opportunity to talk to Atlas it can get exhausting.”

  “I can imagine. That sounds like a lot to deal with.”

  “It is but it’s not for too much longer. I graduate in May and that will be one less thing to take off my plate.”

  “Have you thought about what you’re going to do afterward?”

  “I know I want to work with kids. I’ve always been so set on helping kids that were in bad situations.” I took a drink, swallowing the sweet liquid. “I know music was an outlet for me when my parents were going through their stuff. I’m hoping to figure out a way to incorporate that into my work.”

  “That’s a great thing to want to do, Ellie.” Andy smiled at me. “I’m sure your father is proud.”

  “He is, he tells me all the time.”

  “What about your mother, have you spoken to her?”

  “No, we haven’t spoken in five years.” I took another drink.

  “Why is that if I might ask?”

  “She blames me for things that weren’t my fault. She didn’t believe me when everything happened, she’s just... She wasn’t a very good mother.”

  “What happened to you? Wow, that was rude. You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want.”

  I stared down at my wine glass with raised eyebrows. I was surprised to see that Atlas hadn’t told her, especially after the first time I was here. Atlas’ tags were resting against my chest, moving with every breath I took. After another drink I sat the glass down and looked out the window at the lake. It was where I had told Atlas the entire story. He was all over this house for me and for them, memories of him. Even away he was with me and with that it gave me courage. He gave me strength at my weakest and most vulnerable stages.

  I opened my mouth and began to tell Andy my story.

  ❋❋❋

  To: Ellie Grant

  From: Atlas Ryker

  March 9, 2014

  You amazing, crazy, beautiful woman. I can’t believe you’re in Texas without me. Were they completely shocked to see you? It was just fantastic to see them. It really helped my mood. Let me guess, Jacks picked you up and dropped you off and told you wild stories about when we were kids? I’d bet good money that happened. I’m just I think for one of the few times since I’ve been in this sandbox-- happy. I really needed to see them and you. Thank you for that.

  Sleeping in my room, huh? I bet you’ll have great dreams there. I mean I dream about being back there with you and our room, the bathroom, the kitchen, the back of your car... Oh yes, Ellie, I am thinking about all of you. I can’t wait to touch all of you. To feel your curves under my hands... For now the memories will have to do until we can make some new ones.

  I miss you terribly. I can’t wait to have you in my arms. To touch you through more than the screen. I love you, always.

  -Atlas

  ❋❋❋

  I made good on my word and visited Katie the next day. Her belly was big and swollen with what she confided in me was their son. “We’re naming him Reid.” She smiled, rubbing her belly.

  “I love it, it’s so cute. Reid Preston.” I smiled, sitting on the bed next to her. “What about a middle name?”

  “Atlas,” she said softly, “Reid Atlas.”

  “It’s perfect, Uncle Atlas will love it.” I reached over running my hand over her stomach.

  “We thought so.”

  “I can’t wait to meet him. Reid, come out and meet Aunt Ellie!” Katie laughed, shaking her head.

  “Not yet, keep cooking, buddy. Have you two talked about a wedding yet?”

  “No but I know he plans to propose when he gets back.” I stared dreamily out the window, thinking of the moment he would return. It was something I had been fantasizing about since the day he left.

  “What kind of dress do you want?”

  “I’m thinking short, tea length. I want something cute, spunky. I want to get married on the beach so I don’t want a long dress.”

  “Something like you.”

  “Exactly! Short, cute, and spunky.” I laughed. “I hope you two will get to be there for it.”

  “We wouldn’t miss it, Ellie. Come Hell or high water.”

  “Alright, Katie, that’s enough girl time for today.” Jacks was standing in the bedroom doorway, smiling at the two of us.

  “Jackson don’t you tell me what I can and can’t do.” Katie pouted as I checked my phone.

  “He’s right, you need your rest, sweetie.” I leaned over kissing her cheek. “If I don’t see you before I leave I’ll call you.”

  “It was so good to see you.” She hugged me tightly.

  “You too. Take care of my girl, Jackson.” I pointed my finger at him as I passed through their doorway. I took the keys to the truck out of my purse, noticing my phone vibrating.

  “Hello?” I answered as I stepped out into the fading spring sun.

  “Hey baby.”

  “Atlas!” I knocked on the door as Jacks opened it back up. “Say hi,” I turned the speakerphone on.

  “Hello?”

  “Jackson, my man, how are you?”

  “Well slap my ass and call me Sally, if it isn’t the famous war hero.” Jacks joked, grinning.

  “How’s the little lady?”

  “Very pregnant with my son.”

  “Son, huh? Congrats, man, that’s awesome.”

  “I’m stoked.” Jacks pulled out his cigarettes, tapping the pack on the side of the house. “We’re naming him Reid. Reid Atlas, after his uncle, ya’ know.”

  “Shit man, thank you, I’m honored. As much as I like talking to you, I need to talk to my girl. I love ya’ bro, take care.”

  “You too man, stay safe.” I turned the speaker off and waved to Jacks as I climbed into the truck.

  “I’m getting spoiled talking to you so often.” I started the truck, backing out of the drive.

  “I had a free minute. Are you in my truck?” He laughed, causing my heart to race.

  “I am! It’s hard to drive but Ares let me borrow it so I could go see Katie.”

  “They treating you good?”

  “You know they are. Mom and I talked for hours last night, it was really nice.”

  “I’m glad to hear it, baby.” Atlas cleared his throat. “I miss you, Ellie.”

  “I miss you too, Atlas. Is something wrong?”

  “We’re going out later and I just wanted to hear your voice. I don’t want you to worry but I wanted you to know. I probably won’t be in touch for a while.”

  “Are you worried?” The words were caught in my throat.

  “No, I’ve been in worse. But I’m realistic so if the last thing I hear is your voice then if worst comes to worst I’ll have that to take that with me.” His words caused me to, for once, not hold back the tears.

  “Be careful, please.”

  “Don’t cry, baby, please, don’t cry.”

  “I’m sorry. I just hate that thought. I know it’s reality but that doesn’t make it any easier. Be careful. Come home to me. Call me when you are safe. I need to know you’re safe.”

  “I will, I promise, I don’t know when but I will.” Atlas sighed softly. “I have to go. Ellie, think about something for me?”

  “Okay?”

  “Calling your mother.”
<
br />   “Be careful, please.” I repeated the words again, not willing to say anything about the request. “I love you, Atlas, always.”

  “I love you, Ellie, always. Please know that.”

  I pulled into Andy’s driveway as the phone went silent. I laid my head on the steering wheel and cried as my heart broke. I would worry until I heard his voice again.

  ❋❋❋

  To: Atlas Ryker

  From: Ellie Grant

  March 16, 2014

  I know you can’t get this right now but by chance you do, I need you to know that I’m thinking about you. I miss your voice, your emails, your touch, everything about you. Be careful, please. I love you, always.

  ~Ellie

  To: Atlas Ryker

  From: Ellie Grant

  March 17, 2014

  I know I keep sending you these. I just wish I knew that you were okay. I need a sign from the universe, a carrier pigeon, an owl from Hogwarts, smoke signals, anything would help. I’m trying my best to stay positive and Dad assures me you will call the second you get a chance but it’s so hard not knowing. I’ve been trying to hold off emailing you because I know you can’t check them but just incase I thought I would let you know how much I miss you. Be careful, please. I love you, always.

  ~Ellie

  P.S. I’m calling her.

  ❋❋❋

  The phone was ringing on the other end as I sat in our bed back home in our apartment. It had been over a week since Atlas’ last phone call and I still hadn’t talked to my mother. I had thought about it but never got the courage. Tonight was going to be the night that I got up the courage to call.

  “Hello?” Her voice came through the other line, sending chills down my spine.

  “Hi.” I managed to choke out.

  “Who is this?”

  “Ellie.”

  “Whoever this is, this is a cruel joke.” She snapped, I couldn’t help but laugh at her acting like she cared.

  “No, it’s really me, Celeste. Keller told dad you called and he told me a while back but I just now got the nerve to call. I wasn’t going to but someone asked me to.”

  “Wow, Penelope, I can’t believe it’s you. How are you?”

  “Are we really going to do this? Pretend like nothing happened? Do you honestly even give a shit?”

  “I deserve that.”

  “You deserve a hell of alot worse than that.” I couldn’t contain the anger rising within me. “It’s been nearly five years and out of the blue you decide that you want to talk to me now? What gives you the right? Wait, let me tell you, you don’t have the right. You were and are as far as I’m concerned will always be a horrible person.”

  “You’re right, Penelope. I don’t deserve to speak to you. I don’t deserve to be part of your life, but I want to be.”

  “Why? Have you run out of other people to blame? Trying to find another reason to make me hate myself? Trying to make sure I did it right this time, Mom?”

  “Penelope I made a mistake, a lot of mistakes. I was angry with the entire situation and I blamed you for it. I said awful things to you that I can never take back. I understand that you are mad at me and what I said is probably unforgivable. As selfish as it is I’m asking for a second chance. I’ve missed out on four years of your life. Four years that I should have been there helping you and I want to start now making that up to you. I would like to come visit you.” Her voice was even as she contained her emotions.

  I wanted to be mad, I wanted to hate her. All those years she had made me so bitter and I wanted her to feel half of what I felt. My thoughts went to Atlas. He wanted to be mad at Felix and I pushed him to forgive, to go see him. It was my turn to do the same.

  “Please call me Ellie.”

  “Ellie it is.”

  “I’m going to give you a chance because it wouldn’t be fair to Atlas if I didn’t. I made him take a chance so I’m going to take the same one. But I swear to everything if you hurt me, you’ll never hear from me again.” I bit the words out against my better judgment.

  “Who is Atlas?” She asked softly.

  “My boyfriend.” I smiled wrapping his hoodie around me tighter.

  “A boyfriend, huh? He must be a special guy.”

  “He is.”

  “Will I get to meet him one day? I would like to thank him.”

  “I’m afraid not any time soon, he’s in Afghanistan. He’s deployed until September.”

  “Well I look forward to meeting him.”

  We talked for several hours until I told her that I had school and had to get some sleep. She assured me she would call the next day and I told her that I looked forward to it. I breathed in deep, releasing the tension from my body as sleep fell.

  My karma just increased by at least tenfold.

  ❋❋❋

  To: Atlas Ryker

  From: Ellie Grant

  March 31, 2014

  I miss you. Be okay. I need you to be okay... Be careful, please. I love you. I love you. I love you, always.

  ~Ellie

  ❋❋❋

  Two weeks later I was pacing around my dad’s living room watching the news. “A Marine sniper is dead tonight after being shot during a surveillance operation.” My head whipped around to the screen. I fell to my knees in front of the TV, holding my breath. The world was spinning as my nails dug into my palms and my chest constricted.

  No, no, no, no, oh God, no.

  “Sergeant Eduardo Hernandez Junior stationed at Camp Lejeune was shot during a special operations mission on Wednesday. He has been a Marine for seven years and leaves behind his parents, Eduardo Hernandez Senior and Maria Hernandez, brother Emmanuel Hernandez, and sister Carlita Hernandez all of San Antonio, Texas.”

  My heart sank as I silently thanked the universe that it wasn’t Atlas. “Ellie, you okay?” Dad’s voice came from behind me as I jumped to my feet, clinging to him.

  “It wasn’t Atlas.” I cried into his chest.

  “No, Ellie Belle, it wasn’t.” He put his hand on the back of my head, holding me to him. “Eddie was a good man.”

  “Yes he was,” I hiccuped, wiping my eyes. “I’m just a mix of happy and sad all at the same time. Eddie was his friend and yet I’m so relieved that it wasn’t Atlas.”

  “It’s a hard situation. You’re allowed to feel both.” He kissed the top of my head as he released me. “You want to stay here tonight?”

  “Can I?”

  “Of course, you know that.”

  “Then yes, absolutely yes.”

  “Good, go take a breather, you need it. Get away from that damn TV.” He pushed me toward the front door.

  “Yes sir,” I said without argument. I took my shoes off by the stairs and walked out into the sand. The warmth of the fading day kissing my shoulders as my toes hit the water. “God, I don’t know if you’re there or if you’re real but if you or anything up there is real or if it’s just the universe, I don’t know, just make him come home to me. Just let me hear from him soon.” I wrapped my arms around myself as my phone started buzzing in my pocket.

  “Hello?” I answered it without looking at the screen.

  “Hey gorgeous.” I burst into tears at the sound of his tired voice.

  “Atlas, Hi. Oh thank you, hi, baby. How are you?” I spoke with a ragged breath.

  “I’m okay, I’m safe. We lost Eddie.”

  “I know, I just saw it on the news.”

  “It’s been a rough few days.”

  “I’m sure, I’m so sorry, baby.” I walked back to the shore, sitting on the sand. My toes in the water I could just imagine him not being so far away, just across this ocean.

  “It’s okay, we’ll move on.”

  “I know but will you be okay?”

  “Yeah, I will be.”

  “How are you, really?” I clutched his dog tags, closing my eyes, I pictured every memorized feature of his face.

  “Physically? I’m tired, dirty, and hungry. Mentally? I’m rough bu
t talking to you helps. I can’t wait to see your face again. I just got the last box you sent, thank you. You always know just what I need.”

  “You’re welcome. I wish there was more I could do.”

  “What you do is enough. Just knowing you’re there waiting for me is enough right now. I wish I could see you. I need to see you. Want to Skype soon?”

  “Of course. You have about a dozen emails to reply to.” I laughed.

  “Your laugh is the best thing in the world.” He sighed softly. “I better get off of here but I’ll email you and try and text you some. Leave Skype open for me.”

  “I will, promise. Get some rest. I love you so much, Atlas, always.”

  “I love you, Ellie, always.”

  The overwhelming sense of relief was instantaneous. I felt like I could breathe again, the weight of the world lifted from my shoulders. Two weeks worth of anxiety had finally disappeared with a single phone call. I stared at the picture of us on the background of my phone. It was the day he left, we were kissing, and I remembered how I never wanted to let go.

  Five more months...

  ❋❋❋

  To: Ellie Grant

  From: Atlas Ryker

  April 3, 2014

  Hey there beautiful. How are you my love? I’m finally getting a chance to email you after reading through all of them. Between you, Ma, Ares, everyone I had 50 some odd emails. Not that I mind, it’s nice to know so many people care and were worried about me. I didn’t tell them anything more than I would be out of touch for a few weeks so Ma was happy to hear from me that’s for sure.

  It was a really rough few weeks to say the least. But we’re back here for a couple of weeks at least and then I’m not sure. We had a ceremony for Eddie and they will send him back so he can be buried in San Antonio where his parents are. God it was awful. I’m not sure I can talk about it yet but fuck...

  I’m still working on getting leave for your graduation but I can’t make any promises. Keep your fingers crossed ‘cause I’m pulling out all the favors owed to me.