Lust & Trust

by Amanda Cain

  “Nice to meet you.” She shook my hand, and her eyes swept over me. Turning toward Melissa, she motioned upstairs. “Stacy is in her room. I’m sure her headphones are on, and she probably doesn’t know you are here.”

  I was uncomfortable around Jenna and relieved when Melissa grabbed my hand. “Come on, Em. Come meet Stacy.” Melissa pulled me the rest of the way up the stairs, leaving Jenna and Ryan alone downstairs.

  The jury was still out on my feelings for her mom, but I liked Stacy right away. The bond between Melissa and Stacy reminded me of Char and I when we were kids.

  Back in the car, Ryan reached for my hand. “I swear, you have nothing to worry about.”

  “Shh, let’s not ruin tonight. I believe you.” Though the insecure part of me wished I could keep him from ever seeing her again.

  “I love you,” he whispered.

  “And I love hearing you tell me you love me.” I laughed.

  Ryan’s apartment was much bigger than my house. Much like his home in Colorado, it was missing any of the frilly touches of a woman. He gave me a quick tour of the apartment, ending in the kitchen. “I’m torn between tearing off your clothes and spending the night talking. I missed you so much!”

  “Really?” I bent over the countertop in front of him exposing my cleavage. “You’re torn?”

  “No, not really,” he said, allowing a cocky half-smile to spread across his face. He pulled his signature move and tossed me over his shoulder as he took me back to his room. I felt like a teenager, excited that I was in Chicago, in his apartment, and about to make love to him in his room.

  He had my clothes off within seconds. Leaning over me, kissing my neck, he worked his way down to my nipples. Circling my right nipple, he surprised me by biting down lightly. I wasn’t into pain, but that tiny bit was erotic, sending pleasure directly between my legs. His erection, pushed against the material of his boxers, teasing my abdomen. He moved to my left nipple and licked around the edges, pulling his boxers off with his other hand. He held my arms together above my head as he thrust his tongue into my mouth, exploring every inch. God, I had missed him. My body arched to join his, and my legs spread to allow him access.

  “You’re so wet,” he whispered, his breath tickling my ear. “I love that you’re so wet.” My body moved of its own volition in perfect rhythm with his, seeking him, devouring him, needing him inside me.

  A few hours later, exhausted and ready for a break, we crawled out of bed in search of refreshments. I opened his freezer and spotted the ice cream. “Want some?” I held the carton up in the air.

  Ryan nodded and disappeared as I dished out some Rocky Road.

  He came into the kitchen. “Grab the ice cream and follow me.”

  He led me back to his oversized bathroom, where he had filled his spa-sized tub with bubbles. He dimmed the lights, and we sunk into the tub. The jets pounded against our skin, soothing and relaxing us. We soaked in the tub for over an hour talking and laughing. It was midnight by the time we got ready to settle into bed.

  “Em, this is going to seem strange, given the amount of time we’ve known each other, but there is something I want to give you.” Ryan sat down next to me on the edge of the bed and reached into his nightstand. I half expected him to pull out a vibrator, but instead, he held an exquisite ring. I gasped. The six-carat diamond pear-shaped ring set in a delicate platinum band with smaller diamonds circling it. I had never given an engagement ring much thought in the past, but if I had, this would have been what I dreamed about. It was perfect.

  “Ryan, what about Lindsey. I thought you couldn’t?”

  “I can’t … not yet. But it’s important to me for you to know that I want to marry you, and I need to know that you want to marry me. You mean everything to me.” Ryan’s gaze had not left my eyes, which were starting to tear up. He slipped the ring on my finger without waiting for my answer.

  “I love you. Yes, yes of course!” I was a little stunned, even as the words spilled out of me. I was willing to commit to Ryan and couldn’t be happier about it! So maybe my commitment issues were only because I hadn’t met the right guy.

  “What about Melissa? Have you told her?”

  “She helped me choose the ring.”

  “Well then, you both have exquisite taste! Because it is beautiful!”

  “We do have exceptional taste. We chose you.”

  It was a fairy-tale ending to an already perfect day.

  Early the next morning, Jenna called to say she would drop the girls off at their piano lessons and then we could pick them up afterward. I hated that she had Ryan’s number but did my best to act like a grown-up.

  We arrived a little early and sat outside the classroom, listening while Melissa rehearsed. “She is talented. How long has she been playing?”

  “Less than a year.” His face exploded into a big smile.

  When their session ended, Melissa barged out of the door and looked at my hand. When she saw the ring, she started jumping up and down hugging me.

  “You said yes! See, Stacy, I told you she would say yes!”

  Melissa’s enthusiasm was contagious, and we all shared one big group hug; even Stacy joined in.

  Back at the apartment, everyone got ready to go to the pool. This time I chose a modest one-piece suit with only a hint of suggestiveness to it. Ryan and I lay on lounge chairs under an umbrella, holding hands and sipping iced tea, each of us submerged in our own books while the girls played and swam.

  I sensed her presence before I noticed the looming shadow standing over me. The hairs on the back of my neck started to rise, and a strange sensation of dread swept over my entire body, making me shiver even in the hot sun. In front of me stood an angry, beautiful, tall woman with long brown hair.

  Ryan was napping next to me, still holding my hand—which happened to have a gorgeous engagement ring on it.

  “Can I help you?” I asked.

  Ryan started to wake up. Still groggy, he looked at me sleepy eyed and adorable, and then he finally became cognizant of the woman hovering above us.

  “Lindsey, what are you doing here? I thought you were in Iowa?”

  “And I assumed you were watching my daughter, not entertaining this whore!” she said, looking down at my left hand. The unforgiving shrill of her angry voice grated across my brain.

  Too shocked to speak, I glimpsed over at Melissa and Stacy, who were watching us. I shook my head “no” at her, hoping she would not walk over to us.

  “You can’t talk like that,” Ryan began.

  My shock was wearing off and the anger set in.

  “Stop! This is not the place. Both of you need to go upstairs. I will be along in a minute.” I said firmly.

  “The hell I will,” Lindsey countered. “Who do you think you are?”

  I cut her off. “Lindsey, please go inside. You don’t want to embarrass your daughter out here with our issues.”

  She turned her attention to Melissa, who sat at the edge of the pool, pale and frightened.

  “Fine!” Lindsey said as she stormed off.

  I focused on Ryan narrowing my eyes. “You too,” I stated in a voice exuding more confidence than I was feeling.

  “Are you coming?”

  “In a minute. I want to check on Melissa.”

  “Fuck, Em, I’m sorry about this. I knew it was a bad idea. I don’t know …”

  “Just go talk to her, Ryan. Would you prefer if I stayed down here?”

  “No, she already knows now. We might as well face it together.”

  “Go on. I’ll be up in a minute.”

  After they both left, I called Melissa over.

  “I think it is best if you and Stacy got a bite to eat and stayed under the awning for a little while.”

  The building housed a small restaurant for drinks and sandwiches. “Charge some lunch to your dad’s apartment. We’ll be back down in a little while. Promise me you will stay at the table and eat lunch until we return.”

&nb
sp; Looking scared and alarmed, Melissa glanced at Stacy, and they both nodded.

  “You’ve got my number in your phone. Call me if you need anything.”

  Standing outside Ryan’s apartment door, I heard them screaming at each other. How much fun was this going to be? I thought sarcastically as I turned the doorknob to let myself in.

  Lindsey scowled at me with apparent disdain.

  “I warned you!” she yelled, looking at the magnificent diamond I was still wearing. “If you think I am going to divorce you so you can marry this little bitch, you’re crazy! You won’t be spending time with Melissa anytime soon either!” She snorted.

  “My name is Emma, not ‘little bitch,’ and I would appreciate it if you would refer to me by name.”

  Lindsey stared at me. “Okay, Emma, you do realize that you’re fucking a married man and whatever bullshit promises he has made you are just that. He can’t marry you.”

  “That’s enough, Lindsey,” Ryan piped in.

  “Yes, Lindsey, I do realize Ryan is married. But neither one of you are in a marriage. How can you have so much anger and hate inside you? You can pretend that I’m “the other woman,” but you know it isn’t true. You’re not in love with Ryan. That’s obvious. Why don’t you want a divorce?”

  “What I do and what I want are none of your fucking business. Now either you need to leave or I am. Whether Ryan gets to continue a relationship with his daughter depends on your next move.”

  “Goddammit, Lindsey!” Ryan’s face was red with anger. He jumped out of his chair and put his arm around me.

  “Calm down, Ryan. It’s okay. We’ll figure it out, remember?”

  I turned toward Lindsey.

  “Who hurt you? I don’t believe it was Ryan. But for you to treat your daughter as if she was nothing more than a chess piece to use strategically so you can win at whatever game you’re playing is sick. Well, Lindsey, you win, I’m leaving. But, Lindsey, get the psychological help you need, for your daughter’s sake.”

  I walked back to Ryan’s room, slipped my jeans and tee shirt over my bathing suit, and put on my sandals.

  “Em, you don’t need to leave.” Ryan grabbed my arm.

  “It’s okay, Ryan. Promise me you will stay calm and be rational. I don’t want to be the cause of you not seeing your daughter. Melissa and Stacy are downstairs eating lunch by the pool. Tell her I’m sorry. She has my number and can call me if she wants too.” I kissed Ryan’s cheek and whispered into his ear, “We will figure it out, but my staying right now won’t help anything.”

  The cab I called from the bedroom pulled up in front of the apartment a few seconds later.

  “Just drive please,” I said to the driver as the tears I had been holding back made their way down my face. I was grateful that I had at least held it together until I collapsed in the back of the cab. I asked the driver to take me to the airport.

  Exhausted, I stood in line, ready to purchase a ticket home. Was going home the right thing to do? Fuck, I had no idea. I sat at the airport for three hours trying to decide. If Lindsey really did keep Ryan from seeing Melissa, Ryan would resent me. I couldn’t be happy being with Ryan, knowing he couldn’t see Melissa.

  In an instant, things had changed. Hiding our relationship was no longer an option. Was there still an us? Fuck! I couldn’t come up with a win-win scenario for Ryan and me, no matter how hard I tried. I told him we would figure it out, but I couldn’t see how we could.

  I wasn’t feeling very hopeful, but I knew I owed it to Ryan to go back to his house so we could at least talk.

  Chapter 30

  Emma

  Ryan opened the door and wrapped his arms around me. “I thought you had gone. I was afraid you’d given up on me.” He pulled me tighter into his embrace. I stared at this attractive man and thought about the insanely stunning bitter woman that was his wife. What had I gotten myself into?

  “I thought about getting a flight home, even got to the airport,” I said, sighing. “Ryan, I love you. I don’t want to run, but this situation is pretty messed-up.” I searched around for Melissa, hoping she wasn’t in earshot. “Did Lindsey take Melissa to her house?”

  “Yeah, I’m not sure what her next move will be. Surprisingly, she didn’t say much after you left.”

  “I had to leave while Lindsey was here. I had to let her win. Ryan, if you couldn’t see your daughter because of me, you would end up hating me. We either have to find a legal way around this or be able to convince Lindsey to let us see each other. Or … we both know what the third option is. Oh! And by the way…” I grabbed a pillow off the couch and lobbed it at him “…you never told me how stunning your wife is!”

  “I don’t think of her as my wife or as stunning.” His usually vibrant, powerful eyes reflected sadness and pain. “So what now, Em, what do we do?”

  “We both need some time to think, but I didn’t want to run out on you.” I reached for his hand. Ryan appeared drained, his face strained and tired. Who wouldn’t be?

  “Let’s go to bed. I can take you to the airport in the morning if you want,” he offered.

  We undressed and got into bed, and for the first time since we met, sex was not on either of our minds.

  We woke up in each other’s arms, but a dark, oppressive cloud of doom filled the air. The awkwardness between us was more uncomfortable than two strangers with nothing in common finding themselves sitting together at a dinner party.

  I understood Ryan’s concern about not being allowed to see Melissa, but why would Lindsey want to keep them apart? He was obviously a good father. The dynamics of their relationship didn’t make sense to me. Why was Lindsey so angry and unreasonable?

  Everything about the next few hours felt wrong. Ryan drove me to the airport and stayed with me while we exchanged my current ticket for an earlier flight. He offered to wait with me until they called my flight, but neither one of us wanted him to. He hugged me, and yes, kissed me on the forehead, then left.

  Once back at my own home, the mental exhaustion caught up with me. Too tired to hash any of this out with Char or Randy, I called out sick for a few days and holed up in my house. Although Ryan and I spoke every night, the conversations felt strained. He had still not talked to either Lindsey or Melissa. We both hurt, and neither one of us knew how to fix it.

  My third day of staying home, the doorbell rang. I figured Char decided she had given me enough time and came to check on me. Good, it was time I talked this out with my bestie. Maybe she would be able to provide some insight and give me a better perspective on things.

  I opened the door and gasped. Lindsey stood in my doorway, just as tall and beautiful as I remembered her, but less intimidating. She seemed nervous almost frightened. Not knowing how to respond, I stood in the doorway with my jaw dropped, staring at her.

  “Aren’t you going to invite me in?” This was the second time someone in Ryan’s family dropped by unannounced. I was pretty sure this was not a good thing.

  “Sure, come on in.” I pulled the door open wider. Sierra came bounding down the hallway and growled. Lindsey stepped back a little. “Sierra, heel,” I said. “Don’t worry, she’s a big baby. She won’t bite.”

  Lindsey looked uneasy but came in and sat at the kitchen table.

  “Would you like anything?” I asked.

  She opened her tote and pulled out a bottle of Barolo. “I thought we might need this.”

  Confused, I took the bottle from her and poured us both a glass. “Is Melissa in town with you?” I assumed Melissa told her where I lived.

  “No, I dropped her off at Ryan’s this morning.”

  “That’s great! I’m glad you are letting them spend time together.” Was the ice queen melting?

  Her attempt at a smile fell flat. “He doesn’t know I’m here.

  “Why are you here?” I asked.

  “I need to ask you for a favor.”

  I didn’t like where this was going.

  “You need to ask me f
or a favor? A few days ago you gave me an ultimatum: leave Ryan’s or be the reason he doesn’t see his daughter. And now you show up at my door with a bottle of expensive wine because you need a favor? What is it you want?” I was losing patience.

  “What you said about me using Melissa as leverage, it’s true, but she is the only leverage I had.”

  “Why do you need leverage at all? You don’t love Ryan, you don’t need money, and he’d be willing to share custody, so excuse me but I don’t really see what the fucking problem is.”

  “I need your support when I try to explain what the problem is to Ryan.”

  What game is she playing now?

  “Can you be a little clearer on exactly what you want from me and what you’re talking about?”

  “You said I needed to seek help. I already had. I’ve been seeing a therapist for the past month.”

  That was one therapist who is going to make a lot of money. It will take years to untwist her brain.

  “She thinks it’s important that I tell Ryan and Darren the truth.”

  “Darren … who’s Darren?”

  She ignored my question. “If we could put aside our differences, we might be able to help each other.”

  She had my attention now. “I’m listening.”

  “You’re still wearing the ring, so you still want to marry Ryan, right?”

  “Not if it is going to cost him his daughter.”

  “I’m going to try to explain.”

  I played with the engagement ring and braced myself for the worst.

  “Ryan wasn’t the one who hurt me, but it has been easy for me to blame him.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  She took a sip from her glass and sighed. “I guess I’ll start at the beginning.” Slowly taking the glass from her lips, she announced, “My uncle raped me.” I sat there in shocked silence as she continued. “I have not spoken those words out loud in fifteen years,” she whispered. “I’ve never told Ryan. I was too ashamed to tell him. I’ve never told anyone, except my mother.”