by Sarah Bailey
“Do you want to talk about it?”
Did I want to relieve myself of the burdens I held in my heart?
I had no fucking clue. Telling Kira how I felt didn’t sit right. Not when we’d agreed we weren’t going to discuss us until we got home.
I leant closer to her, capturing her chin between my fingers and tipping her face up. My lips sought hers, tasting her sweet mouth like I could drown in it. Kira’s fingers dug into my scalp, making me groan. Getting lost in her was the coward’s way out, but right then, I couldn’t care less. These moments I had left with her were precious. They were almost stolen. We’d carved out a bubble of time where we could be a couple. Back home, it would be completely different. Reality would intrude and wreck everything.
I didn’t want to tell my family things between Kira and me had changed. Not when I had no idea if it was permanent. Kira was family to them. Shifting from friends to lovers hadn’t happened overnight for us, but for everyone else, it would seem like it had. What would they think? I shouldn’t take other people into consideration, but what would my parents say when I told them I’d married Kira to make Stan happy? They’d call me reckless and ask me what the fuck I was playing at. I wouldn’t blame them. It wasn’t my smartest idea, but you do stupid things for love. Stan was another father to me. And Kira was the one. My one. The girl I wanted for life.
I released Kira and laid my head down on the pillow next to her. She could barely keep her eyes open. I didn’t want to keep her up.
“Go back to sleep,” I murmured, stroking her face.
She gave me a sleepy smile, then closed her eyes. My heart danced in my chest. Kira bewitched me. The girl didn’t put on airs and graces. She rarely wore makeup or did too much with her hair. It wouldn’t matter to me if she did. I would still think she was stunning. No one could change my mind.
When I was sure she’d fallen asleep again, I kissed her cheek and got comfortable. I couldn’t help staring at her, wanting Kira to be the final thing I saw when I fell asleep for the rest of my life.
I’ll tell you I love you when we get home. I’ll try to make this work.
Making a real go of things between us had to start with the truth.
We had one more day of our trip before we went back to reality. And neither of us were prepared for what was waiting for us when we touched back down on British soil.
Part III
revoke
verb, re·voked, re·vok·ing.
to take back or withdraw; annul, cancel, or reverse; rescind or repeal.
Chapter Thirty
Home.
I’ve often thought about what it actually means to be home. Is it a place? Is it a person? Or is it a feeling? Whilst I’d been in New York, I’d come to realise it was all of those things. The place was the house I’d grown up in. The person was Duke. And the feeling was contentment. I wanted to hold on to those things for as long as I could, but I knew life had a way of throwing you curveballs you never expected. For me, it had been Duke asking for time to be what we were whilst we were away. It forced me to admit I couldn’t live a lie any longer. I couldn’t pretend I didn’t love him with every inch of my being. One way or another, I would have to tell him the truth before it was too late.
When we touched back down at Heathrow after our overnight flight, I was happy to be home. I’d enjoyed our trip more than words could say, but I needed to be here for my father. Xav picked us up. The three of us chatted all the way to their house about our trip, skipping the details about the whole wedding and marriage business. Duke and I agreed we weren’t going to tell his parents about it. I didn’t want to be at home alone without Dad. I’d be staying with them whilst all of this shit was going on.
Duke and I grabbed showers, a clean pair of clothes and brunch before we set off to the hospital. Dad would want to see both of us. I’d spoken to him on the phone every day we’d been away, but I needed to be with him.
We walked onto the ward hand in hand as we had to keep up appearances for my father. The divider curtain hid him from view. As we rounded it, we found him sitting up reading a newspaper. He had an oxygen mask on and looked paler than I’d ever seen him before. I hoped I could speak to the doctors about his prognosis whilst we were here. Seeing him look so sick made my heart hurt.
“Hey, Dad.”
He glanced up and smiled, but he didn’t attempt to remove his mask. Duke and I approached the bed, pulling up two chairs to allow us to sit down. We planned to stay for a while to keep him company.
“How are you feeling?” Duke asked when we’d sat down.
I reached out and took Dad’s shaky hand, which was resting on the bed. His breathing was laboured. It made me worry all the more about his ability to survive his bout of pneumonia. His health was already compromised because of his Parkinson’s.
Dad nodded slowly at Duke, indicating he was okay.
“Should we tell you about New York?” I asked.
He nodded again, still smiling behind his mask. Dad was clearly happy to see us.
“Well, yesterday we went up the Empire State Building. The view was incredible, wasn’t it, Duke?”
“Yeah, definitely. We took pictures. We can show you them,” Duke replied, pulling out his phone. He unlocked it and handed it over to me to show Dad.
I leant closer, holding the phone for him to see. We flicked through the ones from yesterday and soon got to the earlier ones.
“This is me and Duke in Central Park. We asked someone to take these.”
Duke and I stood together in the photo, looking every bit the happy couple who were about to get married as we had been that day. Seeing our smiles and the joy on our faces had my chest aching with longing. I wanted to be back there with Duke in our little bubble. Being home meant I couldn’t block out what was happening to Dad. I couldn’t pretend he wasn’t sick and he might die.
By the time we’d finished going through the photos and telling Dad about everything, he was tired. I sat back in the chair, watching him fall asleep. Duke laced his fingers with mine. He had sadness in his eyes. He knew too. Dad was getting worse.
We’d spoken to the Ward Sister regarding the doctor coming to talk to me about my father’s condition before we’d gone in to see Dad. Doctor Baxter arrived a few minutes after Dad had dropped off. Duke and I walked outside the curtain with him so we wouldn’t disturb my father.
“Miss Willis,” he started.
“You can call me Kira, and this is my… partner, Duke,” I said, indicating Duke, who held my hand tight in his, next to me.
Doctor Baxter nodded slowly.
“Kira, I want to be very straight with you. Your father is stable right now, however, his condition has deteriorated since you’ve been away. With his breathing difficulties and late stage of Parkinson’s, we may have to move him to intensive care if he continues not to respond to the course of medication we have him on.”
Duke’s hand in mine tightened as my body started to tremble at the doctor’s words. It was like my worst nightmare was coming true. The thing I’d feared the most had manifested itself into reality.
“I assure you, we’re doing everything we can for him.”
He continued talking, explaining they had to keep an eye out for signs of sepsis and what would happen if he was moved to the ICU. I stood there, trying to take it all in whilst a single thought blared in my head.
My dad might die. My dad might die. My dad might die.
I hoped Duke was listening to everything Doctor Baxter said. Who knew if I could remember it all when my world felt as though it might crumble before my eyes. Losing my dad would break me. I didn’t know how to survive without him.
Duke asked the doctor some questions when he’d finished speaking. My ability to say a word had left me. Numbness spread through my veins. I didn’t want to think the worst. I couldn’t afford to. Yet, the worst was all I could focus on. I barely even registered when the doctor left us. Duke wrap
ped an arm around me when he noticed I was staring off into the distance. I wasn’t really seeing anything.
“Kira?”
My body shook. I wanted to break into a thousand tiny pieces, but I had to be strong.
“Duke.”
His name came out all shaky and full of pain. He wrapped his other arm around me and held me against his chest. My tears fell then, soaking into his jumper. It had been chilly when we left his house, even though it was summer here. Duke didn’t say a word, he merely stroked my back and gave me the time I needed to break down. He pressed his cheek to the top of my head, shielding me from everyone else on the ward. I’d quite honestly forgotten anyone else was there. All I could focus on was my grief. The doctor hadn’t sugar-coated anything for us. In a lot of ways, I appreciated him being real. It prepared me for what might happen. Didn’t stop it from hurting all the same. Didn’t stop the agony spreading through me.
“I can’t,” I whispered, “I can’t lose him.”
“I know,” Duke murmured into my hair, “It’s okay. Just let it out.”
I clutched his clothes. If he wasn’t here, I don’t think I’d be able to deal with this situation. If I was alone, I would disintegrate.
Time didn’t register with me as I stood crying on Duke’s chest until my tears dried up and I was left hiccupping on my sobs. The good vibes we’d had in New York were well and truly over. The only saving grace I had from going away with Duke was the knowledge I’d fulfilled one of my father’s last wishes. He’d seen me get married, even if he couldn’t be there in person. I held onto that fact so tight. I had to hope if my dad didn’t make it, he would find peace without regrets. He wouldn’t be in pain any longer.
“Better?” Duke whispered.
I nodded against his chest, not wanting to let go yet. Just as I’d been there for Duke during his grief and guilt over Andie’s death, he’d be here for me during mine.
“I’m going to get you some tea, okay?”
I let him lead me back behind the curtain and sit me down in a chair next to my dad’s bed. He took some tissues from the bedside table and wiped my face. Then he kissed my temple and walked away. I watched my dad sleeping for a moment before I reached out and took his hand. If I didn’t have long left with him, I wanted to be here as much as possible. It didn’t matter if he spent a lot of it asleep. Time was precious. I was never more aware of that fact than now.
When Duke came back, he had two plastic cups of tea. He set them down on the bedside table and pulled out crisps and chocolate from his pockets. Opening the bag of my favourites, salt and vinegar, he set it in my lap. He picked up his tea and sat next to me. I let go of my dad’s hand and started on my crisps.
“Thank you,” I murmured, loving the burst of flavour on my tongue.
Duke knew exactly what I needed after my crying session. Tea and food to keep my strength up. He stroked my arm in response.
“I don’t want to leave him,” I said after a minute.
“We can stay until visiting hours are over.”
I turned to him.
“You sure?”
Duke gave me a concerned look.
“Of course. You need to be here with Stan.”
I wasn’t about to tell him he didn’t need to stay. Duke wouldn’t abandon me in my time of need. And he cared about my dad as well.
I finished my crisps and sipped my tea, the warmth of it soothing my wounded soul a fraction.
“What if he doesn’t make it?”
Duke turned to me. He had sadness in his eyes. It almost gutted me.
“We cross that bridge if it comes to it. You have me and my family. We’ll help you through it all.”
I nodded. That wasn’t in question or doubt.
“And… us?”
His expression changed. There was tension radiating off him at my words and a dark look in his eyes.
“Do you want to do this now when we have bigger things to be concerned about?” He waved at my father. “I’m here, Kira, I’m not going anywhere. Isn’t that enough right now? We should focus on Stan.”
I didn’t know what I expected, but it wasn’t this. We said we’d discuss what we were going to do next. I guess that was until we discovered my dad might not make it. Duke was right in a lot of ways. I had bigger things to worry about. Far bigger things. I didn’t like not knowing what would happen in the future. Nor did I want to leave this thing between us hanging in the air.
“We got married, Duke. We can’t just ignore it and hope it will go away.”
“I don’t want it to go away.”
“Then why won’t you talk about it?”
He reached out and took my hand.
“You just found out your father might die. Now isn’t the time to be making decisions. I’m not saying I don’t want to talk about it, but I would prefer it to be when emotions aren’t running high. If we’re going to change everything between us, we need to be clear-headed without anything clouding our judgement. Do you understand?”
His words made me feel like I’d been blind to his intentions. Duke wasn’t being a dick or avoiding the subject. The decision to have a real relationship with each other should not be whilst my father was in the hospital and could soon be in a critical condition if he didn’t start improving.
“I do,” I whispered, “Sorry.”
“No need to apologise. You’re dealing with a lot. I don’t want to add to it.”
Duke let me lean against him, wrapping his arm around my shoulder. I closed my eyes and took a breath. I wanted to know what his feelings towards me really were, but it could wait. There wasn’t any real rush. Eventually, we’d have to deal with it. We’d have to have a difficult conversation. It had to involve the truth because I had a distinct feeling whilst Duke and I didn’t lie to each other, there were certain things we’d been keeping close to our hearts. And I couldn’t help wondering whether he loved me as much as I had always loved him.
Chapter Thirty One
The moment we found out from Stan’s doctor about his prognosis, all my thoughts had been consumed by the fact Kira was going to need me more than ever. What was happening between me and her paled in comparison. It was why I didn’t want to force the conversation or decision. I needed it not to have anything to do with Stan. We’d already entered into a marriage because of him. Any future Kira and I had would need to be on our terms, and our terms alone.
It might seem crazy given I had wanted to address it when we got home, but circumstances had changed and I had to adapt to them.
I took Kira back to my house when visiting hours at the hospital were over. Stan had woken up later in the afternoon and we’d managed a conversation with him. It had brightened Kira’s spirits for a while. They were dampened when we had to leave. She’d stared out of the window, not saying a single word the entire way back home. We stopped at her house first to get some more of her clothes. She didn’t want to stay in an empty home. My parents were fine with her staying with us.
When we got back to my house, dinner was ready. The whole meal had been a subdued affair given the circumstances. I’d pulled Dad aside before we ate and told him about Stan’s prognosis. He must have mentioned it to the rest of my parents as no one brought up Stan at dinner. Kira didn’t need the reminders, so I was thankful for it.
I was going to set myself up on the sofa bed in the games room for the night, but when we got into my bedroom, Kira told me she needed me with her. Both of us were knackered after the flight home and staying at the hospital most of the day. We got ready for bed together before sliding between the sheets. It’s not the first time Kira had slept in my bed. None of my family would bat an eyelid over it. As far as they knew, we were platonic friends.
Kira curled up against my chest, burying her face in it whilst she wrapped her arm around my back. I held her, kissing her hair to reassure her I was right here.
“Duke?” she whispered.
“Mmm?”
I ran my fingers down her back, wanting to soothe her.
“Thank you.”
“For what?”
“For being here and for not letting me drown.”
“I would never abandon you when you need me.”
I hadn’t put a t-shirt on to sleep. It was too hot for that and besides, Kira had seen me bare-chested, anyway. Her fingers ran down my spine, making me shiver.
“I don’t know if I can sleep.”
“You need to try.”
She turned her head up towards mine.
“Will you help me?”
“How?”
I couldn’t see her expression in the dark. I didn’t know what she was thinking.
“Make me forget my name.”
Her voice dripped with insinuation. I swallowed. She wanted me to give her so much pleasure she couldn’t think any longer.
“Are you sure you want that?”
“Yes.”
Before I could respond, she pressed her mouth to mine, stealing away all my words. She kissed me with such desperation, I found myself responding in an instant. My dick hardened and my senses came alive. Kira’s body against mine always did things to me. I hadn’t intended for this to turn sexual, but if she wanted it, I didn’t have it in me to deny her.
My hand slipped underneath her t-shirt and cupped her breast. I flicked her nipple with my thumb, making her moan in my mouth. I tugged her t-shirt up to expose her chest before I took a nipple in my mouth. Kira’s fingers threaded through my hair, digging into my scalp.
“Duke,” she whimpered, pressing her hips into mine and grinding against my cock.
I slid my hand down her side and into her shorts. My fingers delved between her thighs, finding her clit within seconds. I gathered her wetness and stroked her. She asked me to make her forget her name. I’d make her come, then she’d be boneless and too tired to move after I was done. Even though exhaustion plagued me, I had to do this for her. My own fucking needs were irrelevant.