Our Darkest Dare

by Sarah Bailey

  “You want to tell me what you’re so concerned about?”

  August’s words about honesty rang in my ears. If I was ever going to have any sort of relationship with Duke, then I had to start there. I had to admit to myself I wanted a relationship with him, I just didn’t know in what capacity.

  “Everything.”

  He chuckled, which brought a smile to my face.

  “That’s… specific.”

  “Sorry.”

  “Don’t apologise. I get it. It’s a lot to handle.”

  “It is. I’m realising how much it’s sucked not having you in my life. Here I’ve been thinking I was okay with it and really I wasn’t.”

  I put my hand to my mouth. It felt normal to tell him my true feelings because it had always been this way between us. Except it wasn’t normal any longer as we’d been apart for almost three years and things between us were fucked up.

  “I’ve not been okay with it either, Kira. I regret ever walking away from you.”

  My heart hurt so fucking much at his admission. I wish I could tell him we could find a way back to how we’d been before. It wasn’t possible, but we could find a new way. A new kind of relationship with each other.

  “Do you think things would have been different if you stayed?”

  “No. I would have ruined us entirely.”

  I tapped my fingers on the table.

  “What makes you say that?”

  Duke told me he wasn’t ready. It couldn’t only be to do with Andie and his guilt over loving me, could it?

  “I wasn’t in a good place and I know you weren’t either. Grief fucks with people, especially when you resist it. When you don’t allow yourself to feel those things. You bury them deep down and they fester inside, leaching the life out of you. If I stayed and tried to make it work with you, I would have taken away all of your light, Kira. I wasn’t ready to deal with my shit and I wasn’t about to put that on you either. Not when you were grieving. Not when everything between us had got so fucked up.”

  He let out a long sigh. I wondered where he was. What he was doing. I wanted to see his face and know what he was feeling. My body ached to have him close.

  “It might not have felt like it at the time, but I left for both of us… to save you more pain, even though me leaving hurt you anyway.”

  There was a long moment of silence between us. His words sunk into my soul. We’d both been in a bad place. The person you wanted to rely on was suffering at the same time as you. Duke and I weren’t exactly in a position to support each other, especially not when you added in the marriage and relationship business. It was a recipe for disaster.

  “There were no good options,” he finally said. “No good outcomes. It was all shit… and it’s why I removed myself from the situation. It was the only way I could guarantee I wouldn’t hurt you more than I already had to.”

  The pain he caused me was soul-destroying. Imagining it could be worse made my chest cave in.

  “You took away my family when you left me, Duke. The only family I had left was you and your parents. I was so upset about you leaving, I couldn’t even have them in my life any longer. Your decision had far-reaching consequences. It wasn’t just us, it was everyone around us. I was alone. All alone.”

  My voice got all choked up as I forced the words out. I understood why he’d done it, but it didn’t change the outcome. It didn’t take away the hurt and heartache. It certainly didn’t appease my broken heart. I wanted to forgive him. I wanted to, but time hadn’t healed the wounds he inflicted. Seeing him again only opened them back up.

  My pain was at war with my desperation for the man I’d loved most of my life.

  “I know. Do you think I wanted that? I didn’t. I never wanted you to be alone. I’m sorry.”

  A tear fell down my cheek. This whole thing fucking hurt too much.

  “I’m sorry too… for making you choose between me and nothing. I’m sorry I did that to us.”

  “We both really fucked up.”

  I didn’t want to keep placing all this blame on each other. It didn’t feel right, nor would it help either of us move forward.

  “We did.” I sighed. “I want to try, but I don’t know if it can be anything more than friendship right now.”

  “That’s okay. I told you, I’ll give you time… the only thing I’m concerned about is the clock is ticking on the divorce stuff. I’ve sent the acknowledgement I received it, but you realise I had to contest it. I didn’t want to do that.”

  He was right. He’d only had a certain number of days to respond to the application. I already knew he didn’t want the divorce going ahead. His only choice was to contest it at this point.

  “Then we’ll just have to deal with that.”

  “Kira…”

  “What? Are you asking me to withdraw it?”

  “Yes.”

  I swallowed.

  “Why would I do that?”

  “We need time to work this out between us. If we don’t withdraw it, I’m going to have to defend it and we’ll end up in court. I don’t want that for either of us.”

  “What if we can’t work it out, Duke? What then?”

  “Then we can’t. I promise if we both agree this isn’t going to work, then we’ll get a divorce, okay? I won’t force you to stay married to me. But if there’s a part of you that wants to see if this could work, then we need to withdraw the application to give us a chance. I’d rather we deal with this without solicitors and the courts being involved at this point.”

  His reasoning made sense. I didn’t know if I wanted a divorce. Not when there was a chance we could build a new relationship with each other. And he had promised to let me go if we couldn’t work it out.

  “Can you give me a few more days? I need a little more time.”

  “Yeah, I can do that.”

  The way he conceded to my needs had my heart thumping hard against my ribcage. Duke had always been attentive and never forced me into anything. He wasn’t a bad person, just messed up about relationships.

  “I need to go now.”

  “Okay… call me when you’re ready, yeah?”

  “Will do.”

  We hung up. I placed my phone down next to me and stared at my hands. If I gave Duke and me a real chance, would I be making a mistake? I had no idea. Once we got a divorce, there would be no taking that shit back. Did I want to take that step when there was an option to be with the man I loved? When I could have him be mine?

  I don’t want to divorce you, Duke. I want to be with you… I’m just terrified of losing you all over again.

  Somehow, I needed to overcome my fears if I ever wanted to find happiness with Duke. If I ever wanted to learn how to forgive him and trust him again.

  I can do that if I try. He’s right. We need time. Just a little more time.

  Tomorrow, I’d take a giant leap of faith. And I couldn’t say it didn’t fill me with trepidation, but there was excitement there too. I couldn’t predict the future between us. However, I could hold out hope we could find the right path for both of us, whether it meant we’d be together or apart once again.

  Chapter Forty Four

  I should have known Raphi would not drop the subject when Cole almost mentioned I’d wanted to see Kira tonight. Cole told me earlier he was going out with Raphi, Meredith and her friend, Rhys and said I was welcome to join them. I’d said I wanted to see if Kira was available tonight. When I’d called her up, she’d been busy, but we’d had a productive conversation. At least, I felt like it had been.

  Whilst I didn’t want to put pressure on her, the whole fucking divorce shit was hanging over our heads. If we were going to make an attempt to see where this was going, I didn’t want to be tangled up in divorce proceedings. She’d asked for more time. I’d give her whatever she needed. I had to, given the fact I was asking her to give me a chance.

  I’d enjoyed drinks with my brothers. Howeve
r, when Raphi decided he was coming home with me to spend the night at our parents’ house, I knew he would start questioning me. Cole went home with Meredith and Rhys, leaving me with my other brother on the tube. Raphi turned to me the moment we sat down.

  “Who are you seeing?”

  I sighed. We’d given each other shit over our failures at relationships tonight. I guess I owed him an explanation.

  “I’m not seeing anyone, Raphi.”

  “Then what’s going on?”

  I looked down the carriage, wanting to avoid his eyes.

  “Kira served me with divorce papers.”

  “What?”

  “You do remember I’m technically married, right?”

  “With the number of girls you’ve fucked since you walked out on her, one can forget these things.”

  I turned to find him smirking.

  “Oh, ha-ha, you’re such a clown.”

  He nudged my arm. The idiot was determined to give me shit after all the hassle I gave him over Jonah. I still thought he was a fool for ending his relationship with the guy, but I knew Raphi well enough to know he was not in a place to be in a relationship with anyone. My brother needed help to deal with his mental health. I hoped he would finally see that one day.

  “Okay, so she wants a divorce. Are you surprised? It’s been years since you last saw each other.”

  “Not exactly.”

  In all honesty, when I thought about it, Kira had every right to want a divorce. I’d walked away. It was on me to prove to her I wouldn’t do it again.

  “Did you talk to her yet?”

  “I went to see her, things kind of got heated between us and she tried to lie to me about being with someone else. I thought it best I leave and talk to her at a later date. She turned up at the house the next day. We talked again and she agreed to see if we could work things out. And today I wanted to see her, but end of uni stuff has got her busy. I think I’ve got her to agree to withdraw the application though.”

  Raphi blinked.

  “Hold on a sec, you don’t want a divorce?”

  I rubbed my face.

  “No, of course not. Why would I want a divorce? I want to be with her.”

  He gave me an incredulous look.

  “Let me get this straight, I’ve told you a hundred times to contact her and you’ve been like no, she doesn’t want to see me. And now she’s trying to divorce you, it’s all suddenly, I want to be with her?”

  He made it sound like I hadn’t wanted Kira this entire time, which was far from the case. I’d never wanted to leave Kira. I wanted time to work my shit out and be in a better headspace. What was wrong with wanting to be at my best for her? She deserved someone who wasn’t fucked up in the head over everything he’d gone through.

  “Just because me sleeping around made it seem like I’d moved on, doesn’t mean I had. You know my coping mechanisms are fucked up. Hell, I know it. Why do you think I’ve been celibate for the past six months, huh?”

  It started after I got drunk with this girl I’d been seeing casually and forgot to use protection, something I always did. She’d been on the pill, but little did I know she’d been sleeping around. I didn’t care if she was, but she caught the fucking clap. I’d ended up down the sexual health clinic. It was a miracle I hadn’t got it too. At that point I realised my reckless behaviour when it came to women was an issue. I stopped sleeping around and decided to clean up my act. If I ever wanted to have a relationship with anyone, I had to quit being a dickhead and start being serious about girls and life.

  “Certainly hasn’t looked that way to anyone else.”

  “Flirting with people doesn’t mean I took them home, okay? Besides, you can’t talk, what about all the girls you’ve been getting with, huh?”

  Raphi had been worse than me for a while. I swear it was his way of trying to prove to himself he wasn’t into dudes and girls. I honestly didn’t care who he wanted to fuck. All I wanted was to see my brother happy. And the only time he had been was with Jonah. He was the only one who gave a shit about Raphi and his well-being. A fucking shame it had all gone to shit.

  “Shut up,” he muttered.

  I shrugged. If he wanted to give me shit, I’d give it right back.

  We arrived at our stop. Both of us got up and made our way out from the underground. We then caught the bus. Raphi stared out of the window, lost in thought whilst I fiddled with my phone.

  “Does she want to be with you?”

  I looked over at my brother, but he had his eyes fixed firmly on the window.

  “I can’t say for sure. She wants to try, but I hurt her, you know. Trust isn’t easily rebuilt. She knows she shares responsibility for what happened with me. I just want a chance, one fucking chance to explore what we could have been now we’ve grown up a bit and aren’t carrying around grief on our backs like lead weights.”

  Successful relationships relied on timing. Sometimes it wasn’t the right set of circumstances. I’d learnt a lot of harsh life lessons with Kira, and more when I was without her. Being apart had been a blessing in disguise for me. When you no longer have the emotional support you relied on for so long, you learn new ways to cope. You begin to understand you are the problem, not them. And only you can fix it.

  Life had fucked me over, sure, but it was me who had to learn how to deal with my emotions in a non-toxic and destructive way. I hadn’t told anyone about my realisation. I figured I’d show them by changing my ways rather than delving into the reasons why.

  “You make it sound like it’s easy to erase past hurts and move forward.”

  “No one said it was easy to be alive, man. What matters is learning from our mistakes and doing better in the future.”

  “Since when did you get so fucking wise? I thought that was meant to be me.”

  I laughed.

  “Maybe you rubbed off on me. Besides, you’d be wiser if you sorted your shit out.”

  He turned away from the window finally and gave me a sad smile.

  “I know. That’s the problem. I know, but I can’t seem to bring myself to do it.”

  I reached over and squeezed his shoulder.

  “You’ll get there. I believe in you, it’s about time you started believing in yourself.”

  “I wish I could, Duke, I really do, but I’ve fucked up most of my life.” He waved his hand around. “It’s like I’m watching myself from above, making all these mistakes and doing shit I shouldn’t all because, on the inside, things aren’t right. I can’t see myself as the person everyone else does. I hate it.”

  It wasn’t the first time Raphi had said this to me, and it wouldn’t be the last. He had to want to help himself. That had always been the problem. He didn’t see himself as worthy. Didn’t matter what me, Eric or any of our other parents said, Raphi had to come to all of this on his own terms. I’d stick by his side no matter how long it took. My brother meant the fucking world to me. He’d been there for me during my dark moments after I’d walked away from Kira. He’d helped me pick myself up and go on living. I’d always do the same for him.

  “We all make mistakes, man. No one’s perfect. Look at our family, none of us has gone about everything in the right way.”

  He sighed and rubbed his face.

  “You’re right… I know you are.”

  We lapsed into silence again, neither of us speaking until we got off the bus and walked up the street to the house. Raphi tipped his head back and stared up at the night sky.

  “Do you think you and Kira can work it out?”

  “I hope so.” I dug my hands into my pockets. “I love her. I have done basically my whole life. And no, the irony of that isn’t lost on me.”

  He lowered his head and looked at me, a furrow appearing on his brow.

  “What do you mean?”

  I raised an eyebrow.

  “History repeating itself.”

  His frown lines deepened.

/>   “What are you on about?”

  I laughed. Maybe it was only me who’d put two and two together.

  “You’re dense, you know that?”

  “Fuck off.”

  I nudged his shoulder with mine.

  “Our dads, Raphi… best friends turned lovers. Your dad loved mine his whole life… are you getting it now?”

  His eyes widened behind his glasses. Then he shook his head.

  “Well, shit, you’re right. Damn. I never thought about it like that.”

  “I suppose it’s different since Kira and I both had feelings for each other, but you see what I mean. It’s like it was fucking destined or something.”

  Raphi grinned.

  “Since when did you start believing in destiny and fate?”

  I shoved him.

  “I don’t.”

  “Whatever, Duke.”

  We reached the house and trotted up the steps before I unlocked the front door. I would never believe in fucking airy-fairy bullshit, but I couldn’t deny something was pulling Kira and me together. It had always been there. The world had guided us back to each other. I believed it deep in my heart, we were meant to be together. She was mine and I was hers.

  “You told our parents about it yet?”

  “What? That we’re married? Fuck no. I’m not telling them until I know for sure what’s happening between me and her.”

  “Fair enough.”

  Our conversation was interrupted after I shut the front door and Mum came bustling out of the living room.

  “Monkey!”

  We hadn’t told our parents he was coming back with me tonight. Raphi was soon being embraced. He rolled his eyes at me over the top of her head.

  “Hey, Mum.”

  “What are you doing here?”

  “Decided to come home tonight.”

  Raphi moved out when he started university. He wanted his independence. At the moment, he was living with a few other students he went to university with. I was pretty sure he wouldn’t move back home when he was finished next year. I didn’t blame him. Mum’s coddling drove me crazy too, but I was used to it. Eventually, I’d move out too, but I wanted to finish university first.