Our Darkest Dare

by Sarah Bailey

  Chapter Forty Two

  All I could think about was Kira. My fucking mind was completely consumed by her and our encounter yesterday. The way she looked. The things she’d said. How she’d lied to my damn face about being engaged. There was no fucking way she was telling the truth. I could see it in her eyes. Kira had never been very good at lying to me. Deep down, I’d always known she was in love with me when we were teenagers, but I didn’t want to see it. I ignored the signs. I was deliberately fucking obtuse about it.

  For years fear had driven me. I was absolutely terrified of changing things between us as we worked well as friends. The very idea of losing Kira made me sick. Yet through my own fucking bullshit, I’d lost her anyway. All my stupid fears were pointless. I could spend forever beating myself up over the demise of our friendship. Or I could prove to her I wasn’t leaving again. Now I had a chance to make it right.

  There had been many times I’d wanted to see her. To tell her I was sorry for walking out. For not being the man she needed. Her last words kept me from contacting her. That was a big part of friendship. Respecting the other person when they told you their boundaries. I’d not wanted to cause Kira any further pain. She’d already suffered enough at my hands. It couldn’t have been easy being in love with me and not being able to say a word. I’d felt the exact same way.

  Regardless of what she thought, Kira had taken the first step. She’d reached out to me by applying for a divorce. It was my fucking lifeline to her. I needed her back in my life.

  Over the past few years, I’d done a lot of growing up and accepting I’d royally fucked up things between Kira and me. It had taken me a long time to come to terms with Andie’s death. How there was nothing I could have done to prevent it. It helped when her psycho brother got sent down for her murder. It gave me the closure I craved. The person responsible for her death was rotting away in prison. I’d always known there was something more to Andie’s death. Her committing suicide had never sat right with me. Whilst it was entirely plausible, Andie was also one of the most open girls I knew. She didn’t keep shit from anyone. If she’d been suffering that much, she would have said something. Knowing her brother was responsible was the missing piece of the puzzle. It helped me move past it all.

  I wasn’t the same man I’d been at eighteen. And I wanted to show Kira I could be there for her in the way I hadn’t been able to back then. As crazy as it sounded, I was ready to be her man. The one who’d stand by her side and support her through anything. In my heart, Kira had always been the one. She was the sun and the earth to me. It was time I worshipped at her altar in the way I should have done all those years ago.

  I wouldn’t ask her to forgive me, only for a chance to prove I could be a better man. That I wouldn’t fuck her over again and leave her in the dust. I wouldn’t be a coward any longer or hide how I felt about the girl I wanted forever with. The only girl I’d ever truly wanted to build a life with. The one who’d known me inside out for years.

  If Kira would let me be her husband for real, I’d show her I’d changed. I’d put her first. And I’d never let her fall ever again.

  The doorbell went. As I was in the living room watching TV, I got up and shouted I was getting it in case anyone else was about. Pulling open the door, I found the very last person I’d expected to see on my doorstep.

  Kira wrung her hands out in front of her, her copper eyes meeting mine. Today she was in a sundress with her hair in loose waves around her shoulders. I swallowed hard at the sight of her curves. Fuck me, the woman had only grown all the more incredible. I’d noticed it yesterday but seeing her like this made my heart race out of control in my chest.

  “Hey.”

  “What are you doing here?” I asked without thinking.

  Her face fell slightly.

  “I think we need an honest conversation with each other.”

  Well, that was certainly a change from yesterday. I’d planned on giving her some time before I tried talking to her again, but here she was, wanting to have it out with me. Maybe it was for the best we did this now.

  “Okay, but not here.”

  I shoved my feet into my shoes I’d left by the front door earlier when I got home from university and grabbed my keys. Kira looked startled when I pulled the front door shut behind me. It was warm today, so I didn’t need a coat.

  “I thought we’d go inside.”

  I walked down the steps onto the pavement.

  “And have my family interrupt us because they haven’t seen you in years? Yeah, no, Kira, that’s not happening. My parents don’t know we’re married.”

  She followed me down the steps and had to speed up to catch me as I walked towards the park we always used to hang out in.

  “You didn’t tell them when we… ended things?”

  “No. I only told Raphi and Cole saw the divorce application so I had to tell him.”

  “How are those two and Aurora?”

  I didn’t want to talk about my family right now. Not when we had so much to discuss about us.

  “They’re fine. Rora’s living with her boyfriend and working at the casino, Raphi’s at uni and Cole just qualified as a mechanic.”

  “And your parents?”

  Her eyes were eager as I glanced at her.

  “They’re good.”

  “Just good?”

  I dug my hand in my pocket, forgetting I still had my keys between my fingers.

  “Yeah.”

  We lapsed into silence. My mind was too full of questions. What was she going to say to me? Would she admit she’d lied about having a fiancé? I highly doubted the guy I’d seen at her place before I left was in a relationship with her. Kira said it out of desperation. I was sure of it.

  I found a bench for us to sit on when we reached the park. Kira fiddled with her bag as she sat down, staring out over the grass.

  “I’m not with anyone,” she said after a few minutes had ticked by. “The guy you saw is my lodger, August.”

  “Can I ask why you said you were?”

  “You knew I was lying.”

  I stretched my arms over the back of the bench.

  “You were always a bad liar, Kira.”

  She grimaced as she glanced at me.

  “Only with you.”

  I wanted to reach out and touch her. Instead, I curled my hand around the bench to suppress the urge.

  “Why even try?”

  She licked her bottom lip. My eyes fixated on it. I shouldn’t be thinking about kissing her, but I was.

  I’ve missed you, Kira. Everything about you.

  “You caught me off guard, especially when you said you’re going to contest the divorce.”

  I couldn’t help it any longer. The hand nearest to her reached out and tangled my fingers in her hair. She stared at it in wonder for a moment.

  “I don’t want a divorce.”

  “We’re not together, Duke.”

  I leant closer, staring into her eyes.

  “We could be.”

  “I didn’t come to talk to you about a relationship between us.”

  “I know.”

  She didn’t pull back or tell me to stop fiddling with her hair.

  “I think it’s best we both move on with our lives.”

  I was so close to her now, I could almost breathe the air from her lungs. Kira’s cheeks pinked up.

  “Do you? Are you going to tell me you feel nothing for me any longer?”

  “That’s not the point.”

  My other hand left the bench and cupped her face. I couldn’t help myself, she drew me in like a moth to a flame.

  “Then what is?”

  “You left me all alone. You broke my heart when you chose nothing.”

  Her voice was quiet and full of emotion.

  “I’m sorry. I never wanted to hurt you. I fucked up and made so many mistakes. I should never have kept my feelings a secret or let things get out of
hand. You deserved better from me. So much fucking better.”

  Her breath came out in a whoosh. I stared at her mouth and her parted lips.

  “Duke…”

  “I still love you.”

  A choked sound left her mouth before I quietened it with my own. This was not having a conversation. It was acting on my damn instincts. My need to be close to Kira. Three years passing by should have made us strangers. Yet Kira was as familiar to me now as she had been back then. She tasted the same. She still smelt of peaches. She felt real and tangible to me.

  Her mouth opened, allowing me in as she kissed me back. Our tongues curled together, proving to both of us our feelings remained. Our desire for one another. Her hand curled around my neck, the other landing on my thigh when she pressed closer. Every part of me wanted to take her back to my house and make love to her, but I wouldn’t. I shouldn’t have even kissed her. Not when we needed to sort our shit out with each other. And yet, I didn’t stop. I kissed her harder, needing to savour her lips on mine.

  When we finally pulled apart, both of us were panting. Her lips glistened and her pupils were dilated, a clear sign of her arousal. She blinked rapidly before releasing me. I leant back, not wanting to make her uncomfortable. She rested her hands in her lap and stared down at them. Her cheeks were still pink.

  So fucking cute.

  “You… you can’t just kiss me and expect things to be okay.”

  “I’m not expecting anything. I know they aren’t.”

  “Then what do you want?”

  “For you to give me a chance.”

  She met my eyes. I could see the doubt and conflict in them.

  “Why would I do that?”

  “You feel this, don’t you?” I placed a hand on my heart. “You’re still right here for me. I never tried to rip you out. I never wanted to, even when I walked away. And you know I only did it because you told me to go when I wasn’t ready to give you everything. Things are different now, so much has changed, but this hasn’t.” I reached out and took her hand, placing it over mine. “You and I never changed. Please, Kira, I know I hurt you and I don’t deserve your forgiveness or anything else. I’m sorry. I’m just so fucking sorry. I wish I could take it back. I wish I could erase the past few years, but I can’t. All I can do is tell you, I love you and if you hold any of the love you once felt for me in your heart, please give us the chance we never had.”

  Her eyes searched mine, her mouth opening and closing as if she couldn’t find the words.

  “I don’t know how to trust you,” she whispered.

  “I’m not asking you to.”

  She pulled her hand from mine. It hurt, but I knew I deserved it. She could inflict all the pain she wanted. I would take it. All of it.

  “I was ready to let you go when I applied for the divorce.”

  “Are you still ready?”

  She shook her head and looked away.

  “No, but I don’t know what to do. I… I need time to think about it.”

  “Then I’ll give you time. Whatever you need, I’ll give it to you.”

  Her head bowed.

  “I should go.”

  “Let me walk you home.”

  She smiled a little at my words.

  “Okay.”

  I stood and put my hand out to her. She hesitated before tentatively placing her own in it. I pulled her up and didn’t let go as I started towards the entrance of the park. Kira stared at our joined hands for a minute whilst we walked. I could feel her trembling, but she didn’t pull away. She let me hold her hand. It felt right to do this. Like the world had finally aligned and given me an opportunity to show her I was better now. I could be the person she needed if she let me.

  When we got to her house, she didn’t immediately let go of me to unlock the front door. Kira stared up into my eyes with so many emotions flickering in her copper ones.

  “I do still feel it, Duke. I never tried to tear you out of my heart either. We did everything so wrong. I know it’s not all your fault. I share the blame, but it doesn’t mean I can let you back into my life as if no time has passed at all. We’re not the same people we were at eighteen.”

  I nodded. It was true, but our shared history meant something. We weren’t strangers. We used to know each other inside out.

  “We can talk… and maybe see each other, but nothing else, okay? No kissing.”

  I smiled and squeezed her hand. If that was her stipulation, I could abide by it.

  “No kissing.”

  “Do you still have the same number?”

  “Yeah, do you?”

  She nodded, then she dropped my hand. For a moment I thought she would leave, but she wrapped herself around me, burying her face in my chest.

  “I’ve missed you,” she whispered into my t-shirt, “So fucking much, Duke. You have no idea how hard it’s been without you.”

  I wrapped my arms around her, nuzzling the top of her head with my nose. Fuck, she smelt good. She smelt like home. My home.

  “I’m sorry.”

  “I know you are… I know. I just… I just need time.”

  She let me go. Tears welled in her eyes, but she blinked them away. Then she dug her hand in her bag and pulled out her keys. Unlocking the front door, she pushed it open and stepped in. Before she closed it, she turned back to me.

  “Text me… or call me… or something, okay?”

  “I will.”

  She shut the door, leaving me staring at it. Kira had given me a small window. An opportunity to prove myself to her. I was going to take it by the fucking horns and run with it.

  I promise I’ll do anything you need me to, Kira. I’ll regain your trust… and I’ll love you forever.

  Chapter Forty Three

  My mind had been a riot of thoughts and feelings for the past few days. Being around Duke again made me unsure of myself. Especially when he’d kissed me. It reignited a desire in me I’d buried so deep I didn’t think it would ever resurface. The desire to have Duke be mine and mine alone. Not to mention how his kiss had left me wanting more. How I’d toss and turn in bed at night, plagued with thoughts about being intimate with him again after almost three years.

  I didn’t know what the fuck to do with it all. The man had walked out on me. He’d ripped my heart out of my chest. Well, if I’m honest, he’d done it to both of us. I couldn’t discount the fact he’d not wanted to leave. He’d loved me too. This wasn’t about whose pain was worse. We’d both felt the impact of losing each other.

  The problem I had was trusting Duke again after everything we’d been through felt like an uphill battle. When your best friend breaks the trust between you, it’s very difficult to look past it. How could I know whether he would walk away when things got tough again? When I’d needed him the most, he wasn’t there.

  He was there for you when your dad died. He stood by your side, comforted you, and gave you peace.

  I hated my brain for being right. He was there in my worst moments when my world was falling apart. He’d let me use him for comfort. And what did I do? Threw it back at him and basically said nothing he did was good enough because he couldn’t give me a relationship.

  Duke had been accurate when he said ultimatums don’t come with fair choices or consequences. They only lead to heartache and pain.

  I still questioned whether I wanted to learn to trust Duke again. Was he who I wanted to build a life with? Three years ago, I would have said yes, but now when so much time had gone by, I couldn’t be sure. How could I know when he’d only just arrived back in my life? We weren’t strangers, but we weren’t best friends either. We were something in between.

  Then there was the fact he was my husband. It meant a great deal of things to me. We might have got married under fucked up circumstances, but deep down, we’d done it out of love. Could we find our way back to that place? Or did we need to start again at the beginning and do it right this time?


  I’m not sure the beginning was the right place. Not when we’d grown up together. Not when our shared history had shaped the people we were now.

  Why did this have to be so complicated? Was I making it worse by questioning it the whole time? I’d always been an overthinker. I wasn’t exactly helping myself here.

  My phone rang. I leant over and picked it up, checking the caller ID. Duke and I had been texting over the past few days, but it was the first time he’d actually called me.

  “Hey.”

  “You okay?”

  His deep voice made my insides clench. The memory of the kiss we’d shared had my pulse spiking. He had the same effect on me he’d always had. My body responded to his like it knew I belonged next to him.

  For fuck’s sake. Stupid body. Stupid feelings. Stupid everything.

  “I’m all right, yeah. You?”

  “Just fine… are you busy?”

  I stared at my laptop and textbooks scattered over my kitchen table.

  “Studying for my assessments, why?”

  “Wanted to know if you’d be up for hanging out.”

  I had told him maybe we could spend time together. Right now, I didn’t trust myself not to want a repeat of the kissing. It’d felt right to be kissed by him. And whilst Duke wouldn’t initiate it, I would, despite me saying no kissing. I would because I wanted to feel him against me all over again. I needed to be lost in the man I still loved so desperately, it threatened to ruin me entirely.

  “I really need to get on with this.”

  It was a half-truth. I’d been at it since I got home from university earlier, and I was tired of staring at the same text over and over again.

  “Oh, well, okay.”

  The disappointment in his voice had me loosening my tongue.

  “Look, Duke, I’m not saying I don’t want to see you, but I’m still working this shit out in my head. It’s not even been a week. There are a lot of things I have to consider, you know.”

  It sounded like a lame excuse even to my ears. It’s not like I could come out and tell him I was scared if I saw him, I wouldn’t be able to keep my hands off him. Well, I could, but he would want to come over and no doubt it would only end in us having sex. I needed to avoid temptation when my head was such a mess over him.