The English Heart

by Helena Halme

  Three days after Peter had returned to his posting in Naples, the phone rang. It was Sirkka, Kaisa’s sister. ‘Have you thought about who’s going to give you away?’

  She sounded breathless, as if she’d been running.

  ‘No,’ Kaisa said and was surprised she hadn’t thought about her father, or that his absence from the wedding meant there’d be no one to hand her to Peter. It was such an antiquated tradition anyway. After the ceremony in the registry office Kaisa hadn’t given much thought to the wedding in Finland. It didn’t seem that important anymore. But, of course, she couldn’t tell Sirkka this; no one in Finland knew that when she walked down the aisle in Tampere Cathedral, she’d already be married to Peter. Kaisa now regretted she hadn’t been brave enough to tell her sister or mother about the registry office wedding. Telling them now would not only spoil the day for both of them but would also make all their hard work seem unimportant. Also, telling her friends behind her family’s back seemed wrong. In any case, she’d not had any contact with anyone; Kaisa’s new life in Sunny Southsea seemed far removed from Helsinki.

  ‘Well, you said you didn’t want to invite him…’ Sirkka now said.

  ‘No, I don’t.’ Kaisa interrupted her. Had Sirkka changed her mind about the bastard?

  ‘Yes, well, in that case... Mum was wondering if she should ask our uncle?’

  Kaisa agreed. Sirkka then went into a long conversation about the hotel she’d booked for the English visitors. She also thought it would be nice if everyone would get together for a meal on the day Peter’s family and friends arrived in Helsinki. ‘It would be a good way for everyone to get to know each other,’ she said. Neither Kaisa’s mother nor Sirkka had yet met Peter’s family, not even his parents. She’d decided on Sahlik, the Russian place where Kaisa’s father had taken her and Peter all those years ago. It was a good choice – the food was unusual and they could accommodate a large group. Kaisa had not been back since that evening there, and wondered if it was going to bring back bad memories. But Sirkka wasn’t one to be easily swayed by woolly emotional issues like that, so Kaisa decided not to object to her sister’s choice.

  * * *

  One late afternoon, a few days before Kaisa was due to return to Finland to prepare for the church wedding, she got a phone call from a girl called Samantha. She’d been invited to the registry office, where she’d hugged Kaisa warmly even though she’d never met the girl before. ‘I’ll call you and take you out sometime when he’s away,’ Samantha had said and winked at Peter.

  Samantha was a large-bosomed girl with streaky blonde hair. She rang the door bell and confidently stepped inside before Kaisa had had a chance to ask her in. She kissed Kaisa on both cheeks, rising on tiptoes as she did so. Samantha was shorter than Kaisa remembered. She must have read Kaisa’s mind because she laughed, ‘Oh God, don’t look at these,’ she pointed at her shoes, ‘I just wear these flats to drive in; my proper ones are in the car!’

  Kaisa looked down at Samantha’s feet for the first time, ‘Oh.’

  ‘So you ready?’ Samantha said, her heavily made-up eyes wide. She had bright red lipstick, and Kaisa felt underdressed in black cropped trousers and a simple top she’d made herself from a piece of faux-suede fabric. Kaisa looked like a boy compared with Samantha with her flowing, deep-cut dress.

  Samantha had decided they’d go to the naval base where, on Wednesday nights, there was a bar and a disco. Kaisa had been there once before with Peter. He’d told her it was an after-hours place for young naval officers to go and find a date, and that it was full of nurses looking for officers. Kaisa remembered the saying about nurses being easy, so she didn’t tell Samantha this. It felt strange for Kaisa to go to a place like this without Peter. As they sat at the bar, Kaisa felt more and more uncomfortable under the searching looks that some of the young officers gave her. Samantha raised her eyebrows at Kaisa after a blonde guy asked if she wanted a drink, even though Kaisa already had a full glass of wine in front of her. ‘No thank you,’ Kaisa said, lifting up her left hand and flashing her rings. The diamond had now been joined by a simple gold band, still producing a strangely heavy sensation on Kaisa’s finger. ‘Ah, sorry,’ he mumbled and moved away.

  Quite of lot of the men were drunk already when Kaisa and Samantha arrived. After only two drinks Samantha decided she wanted to go and asked if Kaisa needed a lift home.

  Sitting next to her in the small car on the way back from the base, watching the already familiar streets whiz past, Kaisa felt relieved the evening had gone well. It had been the first time she’d been out in England without Peter. Kaisa looked warmly over to Samantha and asked if she wanted to come inside for a coffee before driving home.

  Samantha looked surprised, ‘Yeah, sure.’

  Kaisa went through to the kitchen and asked Samantha to sit down on the sofa in the front room. Kaisa made instant coffee with milk for Samantha and black for herself. As Kaisa handed her the mug, Samantha said, ‘It’s jolly decent of you to be friends with me.’

  Kaisa looked at the girl in the now wrinkled cotton dress, ‘Why?’

  ‘Well, you know…’ she gave Kaisa a sheepish look and lowered her eyes to the carpet.

  ‘I don’t know – what?’ Kaisa said.

  Samantha stirred her milky coffee and lightly shifted her position on the sofa . She wasn’t looking at Kaisa and suddenly she knew what Samantha meant. In a flash, images of Peter – Kaisa’s new husband – and this voluptuous girl with the perfect English upper class accent filled her mind. This was the girl; the ‘accident’ Peter had so wanted to hide from her. Her face grew hot and Kaisa wondered if she’d blushed.

  ‘Look,’ Samantha said, ‘it really didn’t mean anything, honestly…’

  Kaisa couldn’t think of what to say. Her throat was dry and she doubted she’d be able to speak even if she’d known the words she wanted to utter.

  Samantha’s eyes met Kaisa’s, ‘You did know, right?’

  At last Kaisa was able to speak, ‘Yeah, of course, don’t worry.’ Kaisa’s heart was beating so hard she wondered if the girl, the ‘accident’ sitting with her legs crossed, wearing her ‘driving shoes’ at the end of her little plump legs, might hear it. Kaisa concentrated on breathing normally and added, ‘He told me right away.’

  Samantha’s eyes flashed at Kaisa. She straightened her back and lifted up her bosom, ‘It was a total accident. We were both so bloody plastered; I mean, it could’ve been anybody.’

  Kaisa forced her mouth into a smile. The girl had used that word, that same word Peter had used. Had they agreed what to tell Kaisa afterwards?

  ‘We’ve known each other for donkeys, and of course we were friends, because you know, I went out with one of his Dartmouth pals.’ Samantha babbled on. ‘And don’t take this the wrong way, but the last thing I want to do is to marry a naval officer.’

  Kaisa wasn’t listening. She just wanted to shout at Samantha to shut up and get the fuck out of her house. Instead she sat at there with a fake smile on her face until at last Samantha finished her coffee and left.

  For the next two days Kaisa couldn’t work on her thesis. She tried to write to Peter but as soon as she started a letter, she tore it into bits. James was away again and Kaisa was alone in the house. The only person she could talk to was her neighbour. Sally patted Kaisa’s hand kindly and said, ‘But it happened once, and that’s it. I know him, he’s a good man, he won’t make the same mistake twice.’

  Kaisa knew what she felt was wrong. When it happened they’d been far apart and had had a fight. Even she was unsure if they’d broken up at the time. And Kaisa had been with somebody too. But it wasn’t the actual act that made her feel so bad, it was the fact that ‘the accident’ was here, close to Kaisa. She had come to the wedding and had even tried to make friends with Kaisa. By insisting on not telling her who it was, Peter had allowed that to happen. What kind of fool did he take Kaisa for? Did he really think she wouldn’t find out who the person was? Besides, why had h
e invited Samantha to the wedding? All this Kaisa wanted to ask him, but she couldn’t find the right words to put into a letter to him without sounding madly jealous, or hypocritical. But more than those things, she was afraid for the future. What if Peter just couldn’t be faithful? What if that was the reason for his previous doubts about the future, why he’d said what he did on that sunny day in Hyde Park? And if so, what had changed his mind and made him want to marry Kaisa after all?

  Twenty-Seven

  ‘You’ve lost weight,’ Kaisa’s old schoolfriend said. Heli’s eyes were sharp under newly blow-dried short hair. They were standing in front of the hall mirror of Kaisa’s grandmother’s house in Tampere. Heli was much shorter than Kaisa and had to stand on tiptoe to zip up the bodice of her white silk tulle wedding gown. Kaisa was hot, even though she had nothing but her knickers on underneath the dress. The stagnant air held specks of dust afloat in the old, wooden house. Kaisa wondered if she could ask someone to open a window.

  The temperature in Finland had suddenly soared the day before the English party arrived in Helsinki. At the airport, Peter’s mother had carried her trench coat on her arm and said, ‘Is it always this warm here in Finland?’ Kaisa smiled and said the summer weather was very much the same as in England – it could be cold and rainy or hot and sunny.

  When her eyes settled on Peter at the airport Kaisa had felt exactly the same as she did when she came to meet him that first time three years before. They kissed and hugged as long as they could in front of everybody without embarrassment.

  ‘I love you more than ever,’ Peter whispered into Kaisa’s ear. Jeff went to hug Kaisa too and she smelled beer on his breath. The English people looked out of place in Helsinki. Kaisa directed the group onto the Finnair bus and when at last all the luggage was in, including the two hatboxes Peter’s mother and auntie had carried as hand luggage, Peter nodded to a set of two seats at the back of the bus. Kaisa and Peter sat next to each other, holding hands, and Kaisa wondered if she should mention Samantha. She looked into Peter’s eyes and he smiled at her. ‘God, I’ve missed you,’ he said.

  ‘Me too,’ Kaisa said.

  Later in his hotel room, where they’d escaped together, Peter – her husband – took Kaisa into his arms. But she pulled away and looked down at her hands.

  ‘What?’ he said and bent down to see Kaisa’s face.

  ‘I went out with Samantha a few weeks ago,’ she said.

  Peter slumped onto the bed. He ran his fingers through his thick black hair and sighed. It was dark in the room; brown curtains had been pulled across a wide window. ‘Come here,’ he said and patted the silky bedspread.

  Kaisa crossed her hands over her chest. How easy it would have been to just give into him. To sit next to him and be loved. But she had to know what really had gone on between him and that girl. ‘No,’ Kaisa said and went to stand by the window.

  There was a loud knock on the door. ‘What are you two doing?’ somebody shouted from the other side. Peter gave Kaisa a quick glance, raising his eyebrows. She nodded and he went to open the door. Peter’s best friend and Kaisa’s best friend burst through the door, arm in arm.

  ‘This is strickly veerbooteen,’ Jeff said. He was wiggling his finger at Peter. Tuuli was giggling. Jeff turned to her and said, isn’t that what you say in Finnish? He was drunk, slurring his words. ‘You can’t be doing it – you’re not even married yet.’ He winked at Peter. Jeff had been under strict instructions not to breathe a word of the registry office wedding to anyone.

  Tuuli stopped giggling when she saw Kaisa’s face, ‘Förbjuden’, she said, ‘and it’s Swedish, not Finnish,’ She loosened her arm from Jeff’s grip. ‘I told you.’

  ‘What’s up?’ Tuuli said coming over to Kaisa. Tuuli was dressed in cotton trousers and a short-sleeved top. Her long arms were tanned and she seemed even taller than usual. Kaisa looked into her eyes – she’d had a drink too. Kaisa touched Tuuli’s arm and said in Swedish, ‘It’s OK, we just need to talk for a bit.’

  Tuuli nodded, turned on her heels and took hold of Jeff’s arm again, ‘Come along you Englishman, there are beers to be drunk.’

  When Peter shut the door behind their friends, he said, ‘They seem to be getting on very well.’

  ‘Yes,’ Kaisa turned her face away from him. She needed to stay firm, not to give in to the false lull of happiness. Not now she’d finally dared to talk to Peter about the ‘accident’. Kaisa sat down on the bed. The dark, dusty heat in the room was oppressive. ‘I need to know,’ she said quietly.

  ‘OK,’ Peter sighed. He sat next to Kaisa on the bed. She looked at his face. His eyes were serious and round. He opened his mouth to say something but then seemed to change his mind.

  ‘Why did she come to our wedding?’ Kaisa asked.

  Peter stood up and went to the window. His hands were hanging either side of him, ‘I don’t know. She must have heard the rumour about our quickie wedding,’ Peter turned around and gave Kaisa a boyish grin, then growing serious again, continued, ‘You know what the Navy is like…I couldn’t believe it when I saw her outside the registry office.’

  ‘She said she’d gone out with your mate when you were at Dartmouth.’

  ‘Did she? I didn’t know.’ Peter came over and kneeled in front of Kaisa. His eyes were so wide and his face so sad she knew she’d forgive him anything at all. ‘Darling, you’ve got to believe me when I tell you it didn’t mean anything. I was drunk, she was drunk. If I could rewrite history, I’d give anything for…’ Peter buried his head in Kaisa’s lap. She stroked his short black hair. There were curly strands growing on the back of his neck. Kaisa pulled his face up and kissed him. She felt the harsh stubble on her cheek. ‘I love you, Englishman,’ Kaisa said.

  After she’d left for Tampere, two hours north of Helsinki, the English party spent a few days sightseeing in the capital. Sirkka had organised a trip out to the archipelago, as well as the train tickets to Tampere for all of them later on in the week. Peter had kissed Kaisa long and hard at the station. ‘I can’t wait to be married to you again,’ he whispered in her ear and grinned.

  In the evenings in Tampere there was a slight sea breeze coming from the two vast lakes bordering the city, but during the day the sun burned Kaisa’s shoulders as she sat in the garden of her grandmother’s house. Kaisa hadn’t visited the place of her birth in years; the memories of her childhood there flooded back and Kaisa had to keep herself in check not to give into a maudlin sense of loss. For not only was she marrying; she was also leaving her home for good this time. The old Finlayson cotton factory; the sombre stone statues guarding the Hämeensilta bridge; the people, whose faces seemed more familiar to her than those in England, or even Helsinki, all seemed to point a finger at her and ask, ‘Why are you leaving your homeland?’

  As Kaisa walked around the old Stockmann’s department store in the centre of town, she remembered how, as a child, she’d spent her pocket money there, on toys and little packets of chewing gum with cards of ice-hockey players in them, and how she’d been allowed to go Christmas shopping there for the first time on her own at the age of ten, just for half an hour. Kaisa’s grandmother’s dishes of semolina pudding, blueberry pie and dill meatballs took Kaisa back to her childhood, as did the burgers her sister and she had in the old Siilinkari café opposite Stockmann’s.

  The three days Kaisa spent in her grandmother’s house brought her close to revealing what had happened in England four weeks previously. But each time she started to tell her mother or sister about the English registry office wedding, she drew back and decided it would be better for them not to know. The padre in England had promised the service would be no different, and when Kaisa had telephoned the Finnish pastor from England, on that frantic day of arrangements in May, he too had assured her that no one would notice the difference between an actual ceremony and a blessing.

  ‘Have you been starving yourself or what?’ Heli now said and tutted. She was biting her bottom lip and had h
er hands crossed over her chest.

  Kaisa looked at herself in the mirror. Her friend was right; the top was a little loose, ‘Sorry, I hadn’t noticed.’

  After assessing Kaisa’s image in the mirror, with her head cocked slightly to one side, Heli got a needle and thread out and started sewing an extra seam to tighten the fabric around Kaisa’s body. The bodice fell off her shoulders and she felt bare in her nakedness. When Heli disappeared with the dress Kaisa put her hands across her breasts and reached for the T-shirt she’d been wearing before.

  Kaisa’s mother had also been standing behind her daughter, watching the final fitting of the dress. She and Kaisa’s grandmother had been ready for ages: Kaisa’s grandmother in her leopard-print outfit; her mother in pale blue with a straw-coloured wide-brimmed hat with a few matching silk flowers pinned to it. Kaisa had helped her mother choose the outfit in Helsinki, during the week before the Englishmen’s arrival. She smiled at her mother in the mirror and noticed she had tears in her eyes. Kaisa remembered the picture of her mother and father on their wedding day, displayed on the bookshelf in Kaisa’s grandmother’s living room. She, too, had worn a simple white dress and a long veil. The black-and-white photograph of Kaisa’s mother was the most beautiful she’d ever seen of a bride. Kaisa wondered if she’d been full of hope on that day or whether she’d already feared that the marriage wouldn’t last. Had her doubts been similar to the ones Kaisa was now having? Kaisa shrugged off any such thoughts and turned her eyes back to her own image. Heli had finished with her sewing and, with the needle and thread between her teeth, asked Kaisa to once again step inside the bodice. ‘There!’ she said triumphantly, as she zipped up the gown. Carefully, she arranged the veil on Kaisa’s head and pulled it down over her face.

  There was a gasp from the small group of women behind Kaisa. Her mother and grandmother had been joined by Sirkka, wearing a stylish black-and-blue dress and matching hat, as well as by Kaisa’s Polish ‘aunt’, who was wearing a bright-red suit and high-heeled red shoes. ‘Oh la, la!’ she said, and came closer to Kaisa. She stretched her arms as if to squeeze Kaisa, but stopped just in time, ‘Ah, I cannot touch you, but you look beautiful!’