Reclaiming Love

by Vicki McElfresh

  Nicki led him into the chilly night air.

  He yanked his arm from her grasp. “What are you doing? I didn't want—"

  "Oh, you wanted. You were drooling all over him during the meeting.” She wagged a finger. “Don't think I didn't notice. Don't you ever let me hear you complain about how unattractive you are again, not when you attract beauties like him.” She tried to sound stern, but he heard laughter in her voice. “And don't ever tell me you aren't interested, have no desire, libido, or sex drive again. If that were true, you wouldn't be writing sex stories under a false name."

  "Nicki, he just wants to talk, like he said. He read the book and—"

  She slapped his arm and gave him a playful shove toward the coffee shop. “Kevin, I swear I know more about men than you. I set you up. That's what you do to everyone else you know. It's about time someone did it for you. Now that man's good looking, and he's totally into you. Or were you so busy staring at the floor that you didn't notice the way he was staring at you?"

  "I noticed,” he murmured and held open the coffee shop door for her. “Believe me, I noticed. I noticed the other day, too.” The reminder of the first time he'd seen Connor sent a shiver down his spine. Connor had most definitely not been interested in his book on Saturday. He'd wanted to talk.

  They each ordered a huge latte and sat in a corner near the window. Kevin got a slice of cheesecake but didn't touch it. He hadn't even taken a sip of his coffee.

  "Dish, Kevin. Where'd you meet him?"

  "At the bookstore."

  Nicki laughed. “How perfect is that? Why on earth did you tell him that you didn't know a decent pub? You know every good pub and restaurant for miles, or you used to."

  "Used to,” he said softly and stared out the window. The streetlights cast an eerie glow on the dark pavement. “I used to be a lot of things. That all changed, Nicki. You know what happened."

  She folded his hand between her own small hands. “Kev, I know. But I also know you can't live the rest of your life the way you have been. You're just coasting along, living on autopilot, watching all of your friends pair off and go on with their lives. You aren't happy, no matter what you say. You always look a little sad. It's a cup of coffee. If he turns out to be a creep, then tell him to go away, but don't walk away and not even try.” She took a sip of her latte. “And if you don't try, I'm going to."

  The speech was meant to make him feel better. Instead, it had the opposite effect. “What could he possibly see in me, Nicki? I'm nothing like him. I'm not smart or attractive or—"

  "I wish I could get hold of that bastard Josh and beat him senseless for feeding you all of that shit.” Her tone was sharp, and the vehemence startled him. “But I can't.” Her tone softened again. “Kev, you are attractive, and you are very smart, even witty when you want to be. And the fact that you're a little quiet makes you seem mysterious. And then there's those stormy eyes of yours, crystal blue when you're happy or excited, dark gray when you're sad, always changing. You're a sweet, caring person. There's a lot to love about you."

  "But..."

  "And don't tell me you don't find the golden god attractive. If you don't, then I'm going to force you to turn in your membership card to the gay boys club."

  Kevin laughed at that, even took a sip of his coffee. “I don't think that'll be necessary. Read the story. You'll see why."

  Nicki laughed, an infectious sound in the quiet coffee house. “Is this a one-handed read?” She kept her voice low, but Kevin flushed when he realized the people at the table next them had heard her question and were staring at them. He ignored the stares.

  He picked up his coffee and shrugged, suddenly feeling playful, more like he'd been before Josh. “In your case, a two-handed read. One hand to hold the vibrator and one hand to...” He saw a jaw drop at the table next to them and hid a smirk. “...touch..."

  "Don't say it.” She wagged a finger at him again. “Just don't say it. You can be positively shameless."

  Teasing felt good. Maybe Nicki was right. He was far too serious, but he hadn't always been that way. The people at the table next them left, and he laughed a little. “Sometimes."

  She tapped the CD. “It's that good, huh?"

  He shrugged. “I thought so."

  "Tell me one thing."

  "What?"

  "How on earth did he know about your book? It's not like you've been promoting it."

  "Oh.” He stared into the dark liquid in his mug, swirling it around before taking a drink. “Well, I was reading it at the bookstore the other day. He must have noticed. Of course, I did tell him it wasn't any good. He must not have listened to me."

  "A damned good thing that was.” She kicked his foot. “Stop telling people your book isn't any good. I told you it was good."

  "But—"

  "Stop that."

  He finally sighed and gave in. “Yes, Mother,” he said softly. Nicki laughed again.

  "That's right. You need a mother. Now, finish up. Let's get you home early so you can have plenty of rest for tomorrow, unless you're planning to write another story featuring the golden god."

  "Well..."

  "Kevin.” She kicked his foot again, and he laughed, now at ease and happy. Even if Connor turned out to be a total jerk, at least he had friends like Nicki.

  [Back to Table of Contents]

  Chapter Four

  Connor had found Kevin's outrageous friend charming, and he thought poor Kevin hardly stood a chance of escaping to the shadows with her around. He wished he'd gotten her name. At least she'd succeeded where he'd failed, unless Kevin didn't show at all. He had a feeling Kevin would be at the bookstore, not eager perhaps, but he would show. He hadn't missed the glances Kevin had been giving him, or the way he'd shifted in his seat at the reading group, trying to get comfortable, trying to find someplace to look besides at Connor. He also hadn't missed the fear in those gray eyes. He didn't understand the fear, but maybe Kevin could help him.

  He walked up the street toward his flat, but he noticed the pair in the coffee shop window, and for a minute he just watched the careful way the girl talked to Kevin, the way Kevin folded in on himself, only to open up a few minutes later. Kevin's behavior earlier, and now, only confirmed what he'd begun to suspect. Someone had hurt him, had hurt him so badly that he was afraid to reach out, afraid to share, afraid to show the passion Connor knew had to hide inside him.

  He walked on and promised himself that he would be patient and not push. Healing took time, and he suspected Kevin wasn't healed at all. He was coping, and Connor knew a thing or two about that.

  The next day crawled by. Connor worked out of his flat, but he found himself concentrating on anything but the Web site he was supposed to be building. All he could think about was Kevin and the vulnerable pose he'd adopted in that coffee shop with his eccentric friend. He shivered, even though his apartment was quite warm. He'd seen the passion, very briefly, when he'd watched Kevin reading in that isolated corner. He'd been biting his lower lip, and those eyes were dark, his face slightly flushed, but since then, the only thing he'd sensed from Kevin was fear and uncertainty. Connor had seen a very different Kevin when he'd watched unnoticed from the street. That Kevin hadn't been afraid. He'd been relaxed and beautiful. Connor sighed, hating the way the thoughts made him ache. He'd been alone for over a year, and moving across the country to escape his own past had not made things easier.

  He scratched Thumper's ears. “And here we are, Thumper, a royal couple of sods, looking to make a home.” He glanced around his apartment. Aside from the one chair, the only furnishings were the computer desk and office chair, and a couple of overturned milk crates that he used as tables. The bedroom was no better. He had a bed frame, and an antique chest that he'd shipped all the way from New York. He'd sold the rest of his furniture and given away most of his belongs. The rest were stacked in boxes in what was supposed to be the dining room. “I suppose we ought to work on making it a home, ‘eh, Thumper? Especially if
we might have company up here someday.” Thumper opened his mouth in a soundless mewling of agreement.

  Connor gave up trying to work, took a shower, and chose a pair of jeans and a dark blue, button-down shirt. He could wear his wool coat over it, and he would be perfectly comfortable. He paid attention to his grooming, shaving, and fixing his hair, even taking the time to make sure his fingernails were all clean with no loose bits of skin. He was finished by six, and he stared at the apartment, suddenly ashamed that after living there for six months, he hadn't unpacked anything other than necessities. He didn't even have enough furniture for a visitor. He pulled on his coat and left, unable to stand the barren place any longer.

  He got to the bookstore much earlier than he'd planned and browsed the shelves. Maybe he'd buy another book, just in case tonight didn't go so well. He was engrossed in a book he'd randomly plucked from the shelf when someone tapped his shoulder. He thought at first it might be Kevin, but it was Mark, the store clerk who'd lead the book discussion last night.

  "I'm going to give you some free advice."

  Connor scowled, not sure what to make of Mark's tone. It wasn't quite angry, more of a warning. “And what advice might that be?"

  "I hope you are really interested in Kevin. He has lots of friends around here, and we don't take kindly to people fucking with him. He's had enough of that.” Mark crossed his arms over his chest, a motion that looked ridiculous given Mark's thin, wiry frame and nerdy appearance. “I can promise you that Nicki Lewis will personally beat the shit out of you if you screw him over. Do you understand?"

  Connor raised his eyebrows. “It's a cup of coffee. You make it sound like I've asked him to marry me."

  Mark sighed and leaned against the shelves. “Look, man, it's nothing personal. We've just been watching out for him, that's all. The last boyfriend he had ended up with a broken nose because he was a cheating bastard. That was about a year ago. If you're just looking for a night of fun or if you think he's someone you can play with, you should leave now. We've started to see a little of the old Kevin again, and we missed him."

  "It's a cup of coffee,” Connor said again. “And if something else happens..."

  Mark actually laughed. “Nothing's going to be happening except some talking, if that. I can promise you that much.” He sobered and met Connor's gaze. The warning tone left his voice. “Look, I don't mean to be an ass. You seem nice enough, but I've seen nice looks and charm conceal something really nasty. Kevin doesn't need that. He had plenty of that."

  Mark walked off, and Connor put the book back on the shelf. He sat in the hard, wooden chair placed in the corner and covered his face with his hands, wondering once again what had happened to Kevin to make his friends so protective. He glanced at his watch and discovered that it was a little past seven. Kevin still hadn't shown. When Kevin hadn't shown by twenty past seven, he was sure he had been stood up, but just when he was about to leave, Kevin finally walked inside.

  He had on jeans and a black parka coat zipped to his neck. His hands were buried in the deep pockets. His face was flushed from the cold, and his wavy hair stood up in all directions as if he'd been standing outside for a while. Connor met him halfway across the store. He could feel Mark watching from the counter.

  "Hi,” Kevin said. He didn't look up, didn't try to meet Connor's gaze, and he kept his hands inside his pockets. “I'm sorry I—"

  "How many times did you walk past the door outside before you finally came in?” He didn't know why he asked the question, and Kevin seemed a little startled. He did look up though, and for a just a brief moment, Connor saw the naked vulnerability in the blue-gray eyes.

  Kevin smiled just a little bit. “A few,” he admitted. His gaze shifted to side a bit. Connor wouldn't have noticed at all, but he glanced at Mark first. He thought that very odd, but he didn't say anything. “And Nicki called on the third pass and told me to stop walking by the door and go inside, then I couldn't get her off the phone."

  Connor laughed. Kevin had never said that much to him, and his light treatment of the whole thing seemed to put Kevin at ease. “That's okay. I was trying to find another book."

  "We could stay."

  "No, show me where this coffee place you love so much is."

  Kevin blushed at that but led him back into the chilly night air. He didn't speak when they walked, and Connor already knew where the place was. He went past it every day. Kevin held the door for him when they got there. It smelled of rich, dark roast coffee and that peculiar homey scent that all coffee shops seemed to possess. “The usual, Kev?” The girl behind the counter asked.

  Kevin shook his head. “Just coffee."

  The girl gave him an odd look. “And your friend?"

  "Tea, if you don't mind."

  She filled their orders, and Kevin pulled out his wallet.

  "Let me."

  Again, Kevin gave him that dark, guarded look, not quite meeting his eyes, but he did put the wallet away and allowed Connor to buy. They sat in a corner booth away from the window. Connor let Kevin drink his coffee in silence for a little while, and when it was obvious Kevin wasn't going to start a conversation, he chose a topic he hoped was neutral enough not to frighten him away. “Why did you tell me your book wasn't any good? I really enjoyed it. I read it all in one sitting, in fact."

  Kevin looked up at that, though he focused on a spot just over Connor's shoulder. “I felt rather silly, reading my own book in the bookstore. I know I could go home and read it on my laptop, but it's not the same as holding the finished product in your hands.” He shrugged. “Besides, I wanted to see how many editing mistakes there were."

  "And how many were there?"

  The question earned Connor a bit of a smile. Not much, but he saw the beginnings of one. “I'll never tell."

  Connor laughed. He kept the conversation on neutral topics. He learned that Kevin had had several short stories published, some in print, some online, but the novel was his first, though he was working on another one featuring the same characters.

  "Nicki says I spend too much time with the people in my head, but they kind of carry me off into a whole other world, one where I actually belong."

  Connor didn't try to understand. He just listened, letting Kevin take the lead and talk.

  "How about you? You said you were new to this area. Where are you from?"

  "New York. I moved here about six months ago. I live close by."

  "Wow.” Kevin's eyes narrowed with suspicion. “Then you already knew where this place was.” Kevin had moved from plain coffee and was now drinking a mocha latte, which Connor now knew was his usual drink.

  "Knowing where something is and having someone show it to you are two very different things."

  The suspicion left, and Kevin relaxed a little more. Connor learned that he worked for a local consulting firm as a network security advisor. He lived in an apartment complex close enough that he often walked to restaurants and shops. Kevin had a roommate, and his best friend, Nicki Lewis, would be getting married in the summer.

  "What do you do? I've talked enough about myself. I'm not that interesting, but you have that accent...” Kevin had blushed at that. “You talk for a while. I like the accent."

  That wasn't the first subtle put down Connor had heard that night. The only thing Kevin seemed truly confident about was his work and his writing.

  "My family's from Belfast, originally. But I've lived in the US since I was fifteen. I go back to Ireland once a year. I like to go back during the holidays, but that doesn't always work out. I have lots of family in the old country still, cousins and aunts and uncles."

  Kevin watched him intently now, and he was no longer looking off to the side.

  "You didn't say anything about your own family."

  Kevin's eyes turned dark, almost black. Those eyes fascinated Connor. They'd changed color several times since they had been talking. He'd begun to be able to tell what Kevin was feeling just from those beautiful eyes.

/>   "I don't have much of a family. My dad passed away a few years ago, right before...” He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. His brow wrinkled, and he was silent for a moment. “My mom and I don't speak and haven't spoken since I came out. I don't have any brothers or sisters, and the rest, well ... I don't claim the rest of them."

  Connor ached inside. Kevin was alone, and the way his friends treated him now made sense. He'd made himself a surrogate family. “I'm sorry."

  Kevin shrugged. “It's not a big deal."

  But it was a big deal, Connor thought, again wondering why Kevin made so many disparaging remarks about himself. “I do Web site design. I have my own business. Consulting and that sort of thing. I used to do commercial art, but right now it's mostly Web design. I have clients in the area. That's why I came here from New York.” He talked about his work for a little while, and Kevin seemed genuinely interested. He even surprised Connor with a real smile.

  "Do you want to get a beer? If I drink another cup of coffee, I'll be so wired that I'll never get to sleep tonight.” His tone had changed, and some of the wariness had left.

  "Sure.” They ended up at a local restaurant when Kevin confessed he'd been so nervous he couldn't eat. They ordered burgers and beer and continued talking while they waited for the food to come.

  Kevin was obviously enjoying himself now. His eyes had faded to a medium blue, the sort of blue that Connor could lose himself in. Connor told Kevin about moving across the country, though he left out the reasons he'd done so. He admitted that he was still living out of boxes. “Seemed kind of silly, making the place look nice when there was no one but me and Thumper to see it."

  "Thumper?"

  "My cat. He came from New York with me. He's a shelter cat. I saved him from being euthanatized. I'd gone looking for a cat, and he was on the list to be destroyed that day. One of his ears is mangled, and the tip of his tail got cut off at sometime in his life, but he's a good cat."