Reclaiming Love

by Vicki McElfresh

  Kevin actually smiled, and Connor resisted the sudden urge to either hold his hand or reach across the table and kiss him. He suspected either move would cause Kevin to bolt like a spooked horse. After they'd eaten and had a couple of beers, they left the restaurant and walked, not minding the cold for now.

  "Where do you live?” Kevin asked finally.

  Connor pointed. “Just up the street, over a deli.” They continued in that general direction, and Connor paused when they got to his building, not quite sure what to do. “What did your friend tell you when she called?"

  Kevin laughed. “She told me to stop my pacing and get my ass inside. Those were her exact words. I swear she was across the street somewhere, watching."

  Connor chuckled. “And did she say anything else?” In the dim glow of the street lights, Kevin's eyes had gone dark again, though Connor wasn't quite sure what that meant.

  "I think I'll keep the rest to myself.” Kevin shivered and looked away, avoiding Connor's eyes. “I should go home. I know it's not late, but I have to work tomorrow."

  "Are you going to walk?"

  "I think I might get a cab. I can get one easily enough when I get back to Euclid.” Kevin didn't move though, and Connor watched his breath steaming in the night air.

  "You can come up, if you want, and meet Thumper."

  Kevin hesitated for a moment, and he looked up at the lit windows in the flat above the deli. Connor knew he would refuse, and he wasn't surprised when Kevin said, “No, I should go home. This has been fun. We should do it again.” But he said nothing about a time or a phone call.

  "What are you doing this weekend?"

  Kevin had that look again, the one that said he really wanted to run away. He even backed up a step. “I don't know really. I thought I might—"

  Connor smiled, trying to put him at ease again. He liked Kevin, really liked him, and he didn't want to frighten him away. “Surely, you know something interesting to do around here."

  Kevin said nothing for a few minutes. “I suppose that depends on the weather. It seems like the weekends have been horrible lately. We've only had a couple of good ones. Do you like museums?"

  "Of course. Do you want me to meet you at the bookstore? On Saturday? Say eleven?"

  Again Kevin had gone silent, and Connor read wariness about him.

  "Sure. That sounds good. If the weather's nice we could go to the park instead.” Kevin shivered again.

  "I'd like that.” Connor kept his hands inside his coat. Otherwise, he would have pulled Kevin to him and kissed him good and sound. They stared at one another for a moment, the tension between them making Connor's privates stir. He wanted to move closer, to touch Kevin, but he smiled a little. “Can I kiss you? I've been wanting to all night.” He waited to see Kevin's reaction. By asking, he'd let him have control of the situation. He crossed his fingers in his pockets.

  Kevin's reaction was not what he expected. He looked away, lowering his gaze to stare at the ground. “Do you really want that?"

  He ached for Kevin, and he wanted to console him, find out why he was so afraid, so self-conscious. He fought the temptation to laugh or simply grab Kevin and pull him into an embrace. The lack of confidence meant that he would have to be patient and go slow. Most would have been put off by it, but Connor found himself even more attracted. “Very much so."

  To his surprise, Kevin came to him and touched his arms. Connor's breath hitched at the touch, so very light and gentle. Kevin looked up and smiled, although his eyes were still dark.

  "Then you can kiss me. I think I'd like that."

  Connor touched Kevin's cheek and bent to brush his lips across Kevin's. The touch was electric, sending a jolt of desire straight to Connor's groin. He wanted Kevin in his bed, not out here in the cold street, but he would wait. He would be patient.

  Kevin nibbled at his lower lip before giving him a very chaste, closed mouthed kiss. “I need to go home now,” he said softly and pulled away, walking back the way they'd come. Connor watched him. He'd forgotten all about the cold, and now he had a raging hard-on to go with his racing heart.

  Kevin looked back. “Thank you."

  Connor pulled his keys from his pocket. “For what?"

  "Being patient and not pushing. Who warned you? Nicki or Mark?"

  Connor blinked a few times. “Mark. How did you know?"

  Kevin just shrugged. “They look after me. Maybe I'll tell you about my surrogate family this weekend.” He walked away then, and Connor stared until he disappeared around the corner. Eventually, he went up to his apartment and his empty bed.

  [Back to Table of Contents]

  Chapter Five

  Kevin's cell phone rang as soon as he walked into his apartment. He smiled when he saw the number. “Hello, Nicki. This phone has gone off at least three times over the course of the evening."

  "Are you home?” She sounded both a little worried and excited. “It's ten-thirty."

  "I'm home. I just got here.” Dave wasn't home yet. He was at Lilly's, but Kevin was certain he'd have to tell his roommate all about the evening over lunch.

  "I'm coming over then."

  "Nicki, it's late and..."

  "Nonsense. I'll be there in five minutes. Make that ten. I'll bring the ice cream.” She hung up, and Kevin flopped down on the couch with a heavy sigh. His lips still burned from Connor's kiss. He'd wanted more than that kiss, had dreamed of more than that kiss, but he'd been so relieved when Connor hadn't pressed for more. Connor's hard-on had been pressed against him, and Kevin had wanted the golden god as much as he seemed to want him. Going up to his apartment would have been so simple, but he couldn't, not when he knew next to nothing about the man.

  He buzzed Nicki in when she got there and opened the door for her. She had a pint of double chocolate ice cream with her.

  "Get the spoons, Kev.” Excitement prickled all around her. Her dark eyes sparkled as she settled cross-legged on the couch and opened the ice cream while Kevin got two spoons from the kitchen. “You can lose a little sleep, and I can't wait to hear how it went."

  He settled beside her, and she plucked a spoon from his hand. “Do you and Mark take turns warning my dates to be nice or fuck off?"

  She tossed her blinding pink hair and smiled. “Of course, we do. When are you seeing him again? Don't lie to me. I know when you lie. You're seeing him again.” Tonight, she had on her favorite black boots, but she had on a pair of baggy, black jeans and an equally baggy black sweater. The pink hair was loose, hanging to her shoulders, and she had no jewelry except her velvet collar.

  "This weekend.” He dipped into the ice cream and savored the rich taste. “I don't know what to do yet. I hope the weather's nice."

  "Supposed to be cold and rainy."

  "Figures."

  She also dipped into the ice cream, giving him a measuring stare. “You liked him then?"

  "He's nice.” He took another bite. “He likes to listen to me. He does Web design for a living. He has a cat, a shelter cat even. He's perfect.” He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “I want to know what's wrong with him."

  "Kev..."

  "Something has to be wrong with him, Nic. He's everything I ever wanted. What he sees in me ... there just has to be something wrong. No one wants me."

  She reached over to brush his hair away from his face. “Kev, I told you. You are attractive and funny and a genuinely caring person. He obviously likes you."

  "But..."

  "Did he kiss you?"

  He nodded.

  "And?"

  "He tasted sweet.” He said nothing else about that kiss, certainly nothing about the way it had made him want to throw away his caution. He could still feel the satiny rasp of Connor's lips against his and the warmth of his breath against his chilled skin.

  She nudged his shoulder. “Sweet? That's all I get? What did you talk about? You were with him for three hours, Kevin. You had to talk about something."

  Her enthusiasm brought a s
mile to his lips. “He's from Belfast, but he's lived in the US most of his life. He has an apartment over a deli, but he says he's still living out of boxes. He's been here six months or so.” He fell silent again. “Something has to be wrong with him, Nic."

  "Because he likes you?” She dipped into the ice cream, and he nodded.

  "He could just be telling me these things. You know how that works. He tells me all these wonderful things just so he can fuck me, and then he turns into a monster."

  "Or he could be for real. Give him a chance. But you liked him?"

  Kevin didn't answer for a minute, thinking about that kiss, and the gentle touch on his cheek. He even raised a had to that same cheek, wondering if there was some mark there, but the skin was still the same, smooth and soft. “Yeah, I did."

  Nicki giggled, and for the next hour and a half they talked and polished off the ice cream. Kevin went to bed after he'd seen Nicki out and walked her to her car. Sleep wouldn't come. His mind kept drifting back to that kiss, remembering how Connor's lips had felt on his, and the hard-on he'd felt pressed against his hip. He fell asleep with that image in his mind and awoke hard and aching. He took care of that need in the shower, imagining Connor's lips around his cock, and when he finished, he stared at himself in the mirror, but this time he focused on the scars.

  A vertical scar on his stomach from the surgery to repair his ruptured spleen.

  More scars on his back, though they were faint and fading. A few more across his ass. Scars that he hadn't had until he'd met Josh.

  "Never again,” he told his reflection. “You deserve better than that.” He repeated those words every morning, but he never quite believed them. He finished getting ready for work, singing along with Cher and dancing, and when the phone rang, he didn't even tense, just walked out the door.

  He got through the next day, all smiles, happy and excited. He felt alive for the first time in years, and as he'd predicted, he had to tell Dave all about his date over lunch. He worked on another story that evening, this one also featured a Connor clone, but the Connor in the story didn't stop with just a kiss. When Friday night rolled around, he'd gotten another movie.

  "You aren't doing anything tonight?” Dave asked while he got ready to go out with Lilly.

  "Tomorrow. Tonight I'm watching a scary movie and eating popcorn."

  Dave pulled his coat on. “Kev, call him up and have him watch the movie with you. Don't sit around here alone."

  He smiled and waved his roommate to the door. “I don't think so. I'm fine. I'll see him tomorrow.” For once, he meant those words. He was fine. The thought of spending the night alone didn't have him tied in knots, although he would, no doubt, call Devon.

  "Kev...” Dave paused on his way out the door. “I hate seeing you sit here all alone, especially when you don't have to. At least call Nicki, or call Devon and have Keith come over."

  "I'm fine."

  Dave rolled his eyes, but he left.

  Kevin reached behind him and unplugged the phone, fished his cell from his pocket, and pressed the button of Devon's speed dial. He hadn't talked to him all week, even though he'd meant to call the previous weekend. He felt guilty now.

  "Lancaster.” Devon seemed a little winded, and Kevin couldn't resist laughing.

  "I picked a bad time, didn't I?"

  Devon sighed. “No, we were just—"

  "You can tell me if it's a bad time. I was going to call Nicki so she can watch a movie with me. I shouldn't have called.” He started to hang up, but Devon stopped him.

  "Sweetheart, it's not a bad time. We bought some new bookcases, and we're just putting them up, that's all. Keith's making me work, and I'm glad to hear from you. I was worried."

  Kevin chewed his lip, trying to decide if he should tell Devon about Connor. “I'm okay.” He hadn't told Devon about his last boyfriend, and he'd turned out to be an ass. Connor seemed nice, really nice, and he didn't want to jinx it.

  "Are you alone tonight?"

  "Yes, but I'm going to call Nicki. I already unplugged the phone. The popcorn is on the counter, and I remembered to eat something."

  Devon's laugh sounded more relieved than amused. “Very good.” Devon was silent for a moment. “Who is he, Kevin? You haven't called for a week. No middle of the night calls because you're scared. No weekend calls because you're alone. And tonight, you call. Who is he, and when are you seeing him again?"

  Kevin sighed, relieved that Devon had guessed, easing his mounting anxiety. “His name's Connor, and tomorrow afternoon. We're going sight-seeing. He just moved here a few months ago. Nicki set me up.” He chewed his lip a little longer. “I like him, Devon, really like him, but I don't understand—"

  "What he sees in you?” Devon finished, and Kevin nodded. Devon couldn't see the nod, but he knew Devon caught the gesture. “Honey, I keep telling you, you aren't ruined. The person you were before Josh isn't dead, just buried. He comes out at the oddest times. What's Connor like?"

  "He's sweet, and he didn't run off when Mark warned him."

  "That's promising."

  Kevin laughed a little. “He looks like a god.” The comment made Devon chuckle. “Do you know I spent all night Saturday alone, and I barely noticed?"

  "See? And you were worried you'd never be able to do that.” Devon sounded proud. “And all week without calling me, and you managed to plan another evening alone without my help. You're getting better, honey, even though you don't believe it."

  Kevin squeezed his eyes shut and took a deep breath. “He's nice, Devon, not like Josh at all, but ... I don't know what to do if—"

  "Go slow, sweetheart. If he pressures you, try to explain. I know you don't want to talk about things, but you're going to have to be honest."

  Kevin sniffed.

  "If he can't handle the truth, then he's not for you."

  "What if he is?"

  Devon sighed. “If he is, then I'm really happy for you. Are you all right alone? Do you want Keith to come over there? I'm sure he'd love to gossip about your new man."

  Kevin laughed at that. “No. I'm going to call Nic. Keith will just have to wait until I decide if I want the man or not."

  "He'll be very disappointed."

  "He'll get over it."

  "Do me one favor?"

  Kevin smiled a little, already guessing what Devon was going to say. “I'll be careful. I have my phone with me all the time, and if he's trouble, I hit speed dial 1. I'll tell someone where we're going, and I'll call when I get home."

  Devon laughed. “Very good, but that wasn't what I was going to say."

  "It wasn't?"

  "No. Have fun. Enjoy yourself and relax, sweetheart. That last one most of all. Relax. We've talked about that before. You need to learn to relax."

  Kevin smiled a little. “I'll try. I'm going to call Nic now."

  "Okay. I'm here if you need me anytime, honey."

  "Night, Devon."

  "Kevin?"

  "Yeah?"

  "I really am happy for you."

  Kevin sniffed again, remembering a time before Josh, when Devon could make him feel better with comments like that. “Thanks.” His voice was a little rough. “I'll call tomorrow, if I remember."

  Devon laughed. “If you get carried away, don't worry about it. Relax, sweetheart."

  "I'll try."

  He hung up then and dialed Nicki. Thirty minutes later, she was at his door with Chinese take out.

  "Smells good.” He shut and locked the door behind her. She noticed the motion but said nothing, just started taking cartons out of the bag.

  "You were in luck. Scott had to work, otherwise I'd be playing faithful slave tonight."

  Kevin shivered. That phrase conjured images he'd just as soon forget. “Aren't you the faithful slave every night?"

  She grinned, looking rather wicked. “Sometimes I'm naughty just to get punished."

  Kevin sighed and got the forks. They ate and made fun of the people in the movie. “Where should
I take him tomorrow?"

  "Oh.” She laughed and shoved him playfully. “Now, I know the real reason you called me. You want me to plan your date."

  He couldn't resist grinning. “Well...” He folded his hands and pretended to pray. “Please?"

  "Where did you suggest?"

  "A museum. I wanted to go to the park or the zoo, but it's going to be yucky tomorrow. It's already raining.” He cracked open a fortune cookie and stared at the message inside. “The one you love is closer than you think.” He crumbled up the fortune and tossed it in the bag.

  She wrinkled her nose. “Museums are boring. Do something fun."

  "You are the mistress of fun. Where should we go?"

  She chewed on a fingernail while she thought. “Do they still have that Titanic exhibition at the Science Center?"

  "That's over."

  "Go to the Landing."

  "It's going to be..."

  "Seriously.” Her eyes lit up as she considered the idea. “Take him to the Arch. He's not from here. He'll think it's a hoot. Go through the museum there. Eat on the Landing, or go over to the hill, someplace Italian maybe. Drink a little wine."

  Her suggestions were good. They always were. “And after that? Do you have more suggestions?"

  "Well, if you're still getting along, maybe go to a club. One of those blues clubs maybe, or that jazz bistro you like. A dinner theater maybe. Something like that."

  He mocked bowed to her. “I defer to your wisdom."

  "Of course, you do.” She kissed his cheek. “I'm going home. I have a surprise planned for Scott. It involves a blindfold and..."

  Kevin covered his ears. “I don't want to hear. Why do you insist on telling me?"

  She laughed when he helped her into her coat, but when she laid her hand on his cheek, worry darkened her eyes. “You used to like to hear things like that."

  He bit his lip. “That was before my sex life revolved around my hand."

  She stood on her tiptoes to kiss his cheek and give him a hug. “Honey, I think that's going to change very soon. I have a good feeling about this one."