Reclaiming Love

by Vicki McElfresh

  Kevin's face flamed. “Were. I took them out."

  "Sexy,” Connor murmured and turned his attention to the other nipple, giving the same treatment to it as he had to the other one. When he nipped with his teeth, Kevin arched up and cried out. “Sensitive?"

  "Yes.” The word was a hiss, and Connor rested his weight against the smaller man, pressing their erections together. He moved slightly, rubbing himself against Kevin's hard cock and drawing out another moan.

  "I knew you were a moaner."

  Kevin's hands slid down his back and tugged at his pants again.

  Connor chuckled. “You have to get naked with me.” He saw the fear for the briefest moment, but he ignored it, especially when Kevin succeeded in getting the pants over his hips and cupped the smooth skin of his bare bottom. He captured Kevin's lips again, but the kiss wasn't quite as heated. He ignored that, turning his attention back to Kevin's ultra-sensitive nipples. He delighted in the moans and gasps of delight and batted the questing hands away when they moved from back to front. He was afraid he would explode if Kevin touched his cock, and he wanted this to last, at least for a little while longer. He licked his way down Kevin's stomach, raining kisses on the long scar on his side, and hooked his fingers under the waistband of Kevin's sweats.

  "Stop."

  Connor heard the plea, but it hadn't quite registered, especially when the body beneath him was so responsive, moaning and writhing with obvious need. He pulled the fabric down far enough to kiss the curve of a hip, and Kevin pushed him away.

  "Stop, please stop."

  Connor pulled away and stared at Kevin, noticing that the dark eyes were wide with fear now, not desire. Kevin curled into a ball with his hands wrapped tight around his knees. “Please stop,” he whispered. He was trembling.

  Connor cursed to himself and left the bed, pulling his pants up as he stalked into the bathroom. He felt like an idiot, and now he remembered the cues he'd missed. He turned on the cold water and splashed his face, thinking of work, of what to fix Kevin for dinner, anything but what had almost happened. When he was calm and his body had stopped aching, he returned to the bedroom. Kevin hadn't moved, although his shoulders were shaking, and his cheeks were wet.

  Connor knelt beside the bed and touched his hair. “I'm sorry."

  Kevin's eyes glittered with tears.

  "I didn't pay attention."

  "It's not you. You were wonderful. It's me. Why would you want damaged goods, Connor? I might not ever be able to do this."

  "I think you can.” They'd gone too fast, Connor realized. He would remember that the next time. “I pushed, and I'm sorry. I should have let you lead.” He pressed his lips to Kevin's forehead. “I'll know that for the future."

  "What if—"

  "Shh, you'll be fine. I promise.” He ran his fingers through Kevin's dark hair. “We'll go slow. You aren't quite ready, and that's all right."

  "I left you in a horrible state."

  "That's taken care of. It's amazing what cold water and thoughts of work can do for a man."

  "I'm sorry."

  Connor smiled. “Don't be sorry. We've got lots of time to learn about each other. I've got an idea."

  A little smile touched Kevin's lips. “What kind of an idea?"

  "One that will keep me from being an idiot again. Think of a word, something you can remember, and when you start to feel uncomfortable, use it. It'll help me learn to read your cues better and keep you from feeling overwhelmed. Give me a word."

  Kevin blinked. “Josh never let me use safe words, or rather he did, but he ignored them. He said that using them was a sign of weakness."

  "I'm not him, and I want you to use the word."

  Kevin still looked a little wary.

  "It'll help us both. It keeps you safe and comfortable and me from crossing the line. What will it be?"

  "Blueberry."

  Connor laughed. “Blueberry?"

  "I love blueberries."

  "Blueberry it is. When I hear that, I'll stop whatever it is I'm doing, even if it's making you squirm and moan."

  Kevin's smile lit up his eyes.

  "Do you still want me to lay here with you?"

  Kevin nodded.

  Connor crawled back into the bed, but this time, he just held Kevin. He was certain Kevin was almost asleep when he murmured, “I love you.” He got no indication that Kevin heard him, and he finally closed his eyes for a nap.

  The knocking woke him up. Kevin seemed to be oblivious when Connor sat up and reached for his shirt, pulling it on wrong side out but not really caring. He opened the door to find Detective Babcock on the other side.

  "Good afternoon, Mr. McCann."

  "Connor. If I'm going to see as much of you as I suspect I will, you might as well call me Connor."

  She smiled. “May I come in?"

  He motioned her inside and watched her take in the details of his apartment.

  "Not been here long, have you?"

  "No, not really. I have some more furniture. It's just not here yet.” He shut the door and locked it again. He offered her the chair beside the window, and she sat.

  "How is Kevin?"

  "Asleep. He swears he's a light sleeper but..."

  "He probably doesn't sleep that well, and when he does, then he sleeps deeply. That's fine. We'll talk for a bit. Are you sure you're prepared for what getting involved with him entails?"

  "It's a little late to back out now."

  Her dark eyes were piercing. “I'll give you some advice, queer to queer.” His brows rose at that. “Oh, come on.” She ran her fingers through her spiky hair. “It had to have crossed your mind."

  "I hadn't really considered it."

  "Of course not. Do you want my advice?"

  "Absolutely."

  She studied him for a moment, and he had the distinct impression that she was sizing him up. “The more comfortable and safe you make him feel, the better and faster he'll recover. He needs love, but he also needs time. And don't be surprised if the precautions he takes regarding Harding transfer to you, at least for a little while."

  Something about the surety in her words and the set of her jaw suggested more than just professional knowledge. “Are you speaking from experience?"

  "Yes, I am. It's not going to be easy."

  "So I've learned.” Connor rubbed his eyes. “Believe me, I know."

  "Good, then you might be just what he needs. Now, we need to get Harding taken care of. You said he's sent you things."

  Connor nodded and went into the kitchen to take the collar and pictures out of the cabinet where he'd stored them.

  "The pictures are—"

  She flipped through them. “Rather gruesome. It's nice of him to send these. Unfortunately, he didn't sign the letters, although this is the same type as the letter Kevin received with his box, which he kept. Kevin's very sharp. Don't think for a minute...” Her voice trailed off, and she stared past Connor toward the bedroom. Connor followed her gaze. Kevin was in the doorway, arms wrapped around his stomach. “How are you feeling?"

  Connor moved from the office chair to one of the milk crates to give Kevin a place to sit.

  Kevin sat and pointed to the pictures in the detective's hand. “What are those? Where did they come from?"

  "I hadn't gotten a chance to tell you about that,” Connor said. “He sent those to me."

  Kevin nodded, not seeming at all shocked. “You're glad I showed you the others now, aren't you?"

  "Yes. If you hadn't, I would have judged first and asked questions later.” He patted Kevin's knee, the only part of him he could reach. “Thank you."

  Kevin smiled a little then turned his attention back to Karen. He held out his hand. “Can I see?"

  "Are you sure?” Karen shook her head and thumbed through the pictures. “They aren't—"

  "I know. I want to see."

  She handed him the pictures, and he flipped through them, his face almost expressionless. “These are all from o
ne night,” Kevin murmured. “I remember this night.” He held up one of the pictures, the one Connor had noted before. A shot only of his face, but a face so contorted with fear that Connor shivered. The thick gag in Kevin's mouth only heightened that sense of fear. “That's what happened when I used my safe words. I was supposed to have three. One was to slow things down. One was to alert that I was close to my limits, and the last was supposed to make everything stop. Of course, he never stopped, and eventually, I never bothered to use them."

  "Tell me about that night, Kevin.” Detective Babcock's voice was gentle and soft, no doubt meant to put Kevin at ease enough to talk. “What did he do to you?"

  Connor expected Kevin to refuse, but Karen didn't pressure him. She waited patiently while Kevin flipped through the pictures several times. He closed his eyes and licked his lips before slowly meeting her gaze.

  "We went to a club. He let me dance. I was so happy.” Kevin stared into space as he lost himself in the memory. “I danced and danced, and he sat at the bar and watched. I would look at him for approval once in a while, and then I would dance some more. Nicki was there, but I was afraid to talk to her. He didn't like for me to talk to people, especially my friends.” He swallowed hard. “I told her that I would end up in the cage if I was caught talking to her. I knew she was concerned, but I was too afraid to linger. I went back to the dancing, but he'd seen me talking, and he decided it was time to leave then. I didn't want to go, and when I protested, he gagged me there, at the club. It was a fetish night, so no one paid attention. Some of them even thought it was funny. They thought it was something I wanted."

  "And you didn't?” Her voice was still gentle, her tone encouraging.

  Kevin shook his head. “I never liked it. It wasn't a turn on, but I would do it, and I was scared. I had disobeyed in public, and I would pay when we got home. He had someone else meet us there. I don't know his name. I wouldn't even recognize him, another Dom, and they told me in lurid detail what they were going to do."

  He shivered and thumbed through the pictures again, though Connor wasn't quite sure he really saw any of them.

  "Josh never was that good with the whip. He could never take me to the place where pain becomes pleasure, and he never learned to balance the two. He didn't try either, and so he would get me close, but he never paid attention to me, to my cues, and he would move from the whip to the cane. Always that damn cane. He knew I was afraid of it, and then the pain was just pain."

  Kevin looked up at the detective and swallowed hard. He gave Connor a nervous glance before he continued. “I'm not a pain slut. I like the whip. I like it in the right hands when the pain is almost a massage, but those hands weren't Josh's. I don't have that high of a tolerance for pain, but he didn't understand. He would always push more and more and make it hurt until I would black out sometimes. That's what happened this night. They took turns, and neither read my cues. I couldn't speak, so my safe words were denied to me, and Josh didn't tell him what my silent signals were. He ignored them anyway. I don't think the other Dom was all that bad really. He was just misinformed. I remember he questioned at one point, and Josh told him to go on. I remember passing out from the beating, and I remember the other Dom didn't use a condom. Safe sex was one of my limits. Josh always used a condom, and he knew that I wanted anyone who played with us to do the same. He just never gave me that courtesy."

  He bowed his head and stared at the pictures, flipping until he found one of him inside the dog cage Connor had seen in Kevin's album. “He made me stay in there for the night and told me what a shameful performance I'd given. He pissed on me after that, and then he went into the bedroom and went to sleep. The next day, he let me out of the cage and took great pains cleaning me up. He brought me flowers that night, and let me sleep in bed with him. I forgave him, like I always did, and I believed him when he told me that next time he would pay more attention."

  He passed the pictures back to the detective. “He never did."

  Connor wasn't quite sure when he'd stuck his fingers in his mouth, or when he bit down hard enough that the pain made him gasp. Kevin glanced up, and Connor saw him struggle to meet his gaze before he finally looked away. The dark hair obscured his face so Connor could tell nothing of what he might be feeling.

  "Was that experience typical of your relationship?” the detective asked.

  Kevin nodded.

  "Did he force you to have sex with him?"

  Kevin grimaced and shook his head. “He didn't force me that night. I blacked out, and—"

  "You were in a state of mind that meant you couldn't say no. Did he force you? Did he threaten you if you didn't give in, or else beat you into submission so that you couldn't refuse? He can still be charged for that, Kevin. He forced you to perform sex acts you weren't comfortable with. That's a crime. It's called assault."

  Kevin closed his eyes and nodded. “Sometimes."

  "I can leave if you'd be more comfortable,” Connor said softly.

  "No.” Kevin was pale now, and his hand trembled when he reached up to push his hair out of his face. “I'd rather you be here."

  Karen nodded a little. “Did he force you to have sex with other people?” She pulled a folder from her purse. “I have your case file with me. There was a rape kit done on you at the hospital. Did you know that?"

  Kevin shook his head. “I don't really remember.” He studied her for a minute. “You came to see me?"

  She nodded. “Do you remember? You wouldn't talk to me, or to anyone. And no matter how much Devon Lancaster pressed you, you wouldn't speak against Harding, and you most certain wouldn't press charges."

  Kevin sighed. “Devon was very disappointed with me."

  It seemed such an odd statement, Connor thought. Perhaps Kevin would tell him about Devon if he asked.

  "I didn't know there was a rape kit, and the answer to your question is yes."

  Connor stiffened, but they both ignored him.

  Karen opened the file. “Do you want to know the results?"

  Kevin nodded.

  "There were two types of male DNA, both unidentifiable, neither matched Mr. Harding. We asked him for a sample. One of those was HIV positive."

  Kevin winced, and Connor saw him shiver.

  "Given the condition you were in, I'm going to assume that you didn't give consent."

  Kevin shook his head slightly.

  "Do you know who else was there?"

  Again he shook his head.

  "Did Harding threaten to infect you with HIV?"

  Kevin bit his lip and closed his eye before he slowly nodded.

  "Did he succeed?"

  He let out a long, slow breath. “I am very, very lucky. I thank God everyday for sparing me that."

  She closed the file. “Would you be willing to press charges now? He's stalking you, and you still have the right to press charges for what he did to you.” She paused for a moment, no doubt trying to gauge Kevin's reaction, but he remained expressionless. “I can charge him with attempted murder, Kevin. He beat you and left you to bleed to death while he went out drinking. If you hadn't crawled to the phone, that's what would have happened. Your doctor said you had a few hours at most."

  He touched his side and closed his eyes. “Will that put him in jail?"

  "For a little while. At least until he's arraigned. It might give you time to find a new place to live and get settled again."

  Kevin met Connor's stare, and Connor saw Kevin's eyes harden. He took a deep breath. “What would I have to do?"

  Karen's lips twitched a little as if she were fighting a triumphant smile. “You need to file a formal report. We have evidence. I just need your statement about the assaults."

  "He'll just say I wanted it.” The light of determination fading a little.

  "Of course, he will. Would you expect anything less?” She flipped through the pictures until she found the one of Kevin's face, full of fear. “But this doesn't look much like you wanted him to do this to you, do
es it?"

  "No."

  "Was he ever good to you, Kevin? Or did he force you to live like this all the time?"

  Connor expected a balk, but Kevin gave the detective a rueful smile. “It was good in the beginning. There were just little put downs at first, even after we moved in together. He listened to me then. He never pushed me beyond my limits unless I asked him to. I don't know why it changed, but I remember the night that I screamed my safe word for the first time. He told me that safe words were for sissies and that I didn't need one anymore. I belonged to him, he said, and he could do whatever he wanted to me.

  "After that, the whole thing spiraled downward. He forced me to quit my job. He had expectations I could never quite achieve. Nothing I did was ever good enough. The things I enjoyed, he made certain I had limited or no access to. He wouldn't let me talk to my friends, though I had to take care of his. I couldn't use the phone. I couldn't use the computer without supervision. And when he was really cruel, he would go back to being wonderful like he'd been at the beginning. He'd treat me like a prince. He'd be loving. He'd bring me gifts."

  Connor gasped. “Is that why you don't like for me to be wonderful?"

  He nodded, and his expression was sad when their eyes met. “It's why I like for you to be honest. He was never honest with me, even in those honeymoon periods."

  Connor started a little, remembering some of the things he'd read.

  "I'm very well informed, Connor. I read lots of information about domestic abuse. If my dad hadn't died, I might not have ended up in the situation I did, but I was hurting, and Josh was there to ease the hurt. I was lonely, and I turned to the wrong person. I won't make the same mistake again.” He closed his eyes. “I promised my dad I wouldn't end up like that again. I promised Devon. I promised Nicki. I promised myself."

  "Kevin.” Detective Babcock's voice drew Kevin's attention back to her. She handed him an envelope. “There is a group in the area that deals with same sex domestic violence. I got some information for you about the services they can offer.” She pulled a card from her purse. “I don't know if you've had any counseling or not. This is my friend. She works with domestic violence survivors. She's very good, and she's gay. She'll understand."