Reclaiming Love

by Vicki McElfresh

  Kevin stared at the card.

  "More than a friend?” he asked and looked away, blushing.

  She smiled. “You're more perceptive than Connor. Yes, more than a friend, but she started out as my counselor. Give her a call, just to talk. Sometimes it's good to have someone to talk to."

  She had Kevin fill out his statement and then gathered up her things.

  "Thank you, Detective.” Kevin shook her hand.

  "It's Karen. If we're going to work together, you can call me Karen."

  Kevin nodded, and she left. Kevin slowly turned away from the door and stepped into Connor's arms.

  "You'll tell me if you're disgusted by the things I've done?"

  "Did you really ask for those things?"

  "Some of them. You would tell me, wouldn't you?"

  Connor closed his eyes. “I'd tell you.” He wasn't sure he could, truthfully, but he'd try. “Tell me what you liked about all of that. That might help me understand."

  "Besides the flogger?"

  "You liked some of that, didn't you?"

  Kevin nodded. “I like the power exchange. I like giving up my control. It's freeing. In the right hands, it's exalting. I had good once. I know what it can feel like."

  Connor laughed a little, trying to imagine Kevin dressed up in leather. “Do you like the leather and..."

  Kevin looked up at him and smiled, the one Connor had come to associate with Kevin's wicked streak. “You don't like leather? I don't have any, not anymore, but I could remedy that. There's nothing sexier than a man in leather.” Kevin brushed his lips over Connor's. “We could get you some. Just think how hot that would be."

  Connor cleared his throat and pushed the image of a leather-clad Kevin from his mind. That image made his nether regions stir in a pleasant way. “That wasn't what I meant."

  "You want to have a serious conversation?” He pretended to pout. “I seem to be having lots of those today.” He sobered a minute later and led Connor the chair beside the window. Connor sat and Kevin perched on the arm. “I don't like edge play of any sort. No knives, no asphyxiation, no breaking the skin, no unsafe sex, no sounding, no scat, none of that. It scares me.” He took a deep breath and continued on, talking fast, as if he wasn't quite sure he should tell. “My tolerance for pain isn't that high. I fly fast with the right person. Sensation play is good. That's always been my favorite.” Kevin grinned. “You look pale. Are you sure you want to hear this?"

  "I'm sure."

  "I used to like the bondage.” He sighed. “Some of it."

  "Used to?"

  "I'm not sure how well I would do with it anymore. The mind fuck Josh did with the bondage might have ruined that for me. Other things might be ruined. As much as I'd love to have Devon whip me, I would probably panic. With the right person, maybe, but I'm not all that anxious to try, either.” He shrugged. “Are you scared and disgusted now?"

  "No.” But Connor thought his voice sounded a little strained.

  Kevin looked worried. “A little?"

  "A little,” he admitted.

  "In the scene, I'm really pretty tame, Connor."

  Connor snorted. “You had your nipples pierced, and you call yourself tame?” He meant the comment as a joke, but it came out with a note of disbelief. To his surprise, Kevin laughed.

  "You said that was sexy."

  "And it is.” Connor touched his back, rubbing gently. “I was thinking more of the tame part. I have a feeling tame isn't the word to describe you."

  "They weren't my idea. Josh did them, and it hurt like hell.” Connor made a little sound like a cross between a laugh and a whimper, but Kevin did look at him. He wasn't sure he wanted to see his expression. “I took them out eventually, about a year ago. I'd wear them off and on for a while after that, but mostly I leave them out now. I don't know if the holes have grown back or not, but I won't pierce them again. Not even for you."

  "And if I wanted to see?” He guided Kevin from the chair into his lap.

  Kevin's lips hovered over his. “If they haven't grown back, I might let you see, but I refuse to go through that pain again."

  The kiss was soft and gentle, and Kevin pulled away to rest his forehead against Connor's. His eyes were still deep gray. He laughed softly, a slightly hysterical laugh, as if he couldn't quite believe where he was. “He wanted me to have my dick done. Is that sexy to you?"

  Connor shuddered. “No. That didn't happen, did it?"

  "No.” Kevin shook his head. “He decided he liked me as his dog better when I wouldn't do it for him. I wouldn't do it for you either."

  "I wouldn't ask that of you."

  Kevin smiled and traced the line of Connor's jaw. The color of his eyes changed from gray to deep blue. “You are a very unusual man."

  Connor laughed a little, wondering what that statement really meant. “Is that a good thing?"

  "Very good. Do you know what I'd like?"

  Connor brushed his lips over Kevin's and teased one of those ultra sensitive nipples through the fabric of the sweatshirt. “What would you like?"

  "Something to eat. Pizza sounds good. I know a good place. They deliver. Pizza and beer.” Kevin teased at his lower lip with his teeth, and then drew a gasp from him by slipping his tongue inside his mouth. “Sound good?"

  Connor groaned. “Very good."

  "Where's the phone, and what do you want on it? Their breadsticks are awesome."

  The phone had slid into the cushions of the chair, and Connor fumbled it out. “Phone.” He plopped it in Kevin's hand.

  Kevin positioned himself so that he lay across Connor's lap with his head resting on one arm of the chair and his feet on the other. “We have got to get you a couch. This is not at all comfortable.” He dialed the number and placed the order, but despite his complaint, he didn't move.

  "You aren't very submissive.” Connor was having a very hard time thinking of Kevin being submissive, especially when he seemed to be more of a tease than anything. “Do you know that?"

  Mischief danced in Kevin's eyes. They were blue again, and Connor resisted the urge to lift Kevin from the chair and carry him into the bedroom. “Do you want me to be? You could order me about, and I could call you Sir. I like that to a point. I don't want to be a slave.” The last came out just a little harsher than Connor suspected Kevin had intended.

  "No, not really.” He ran his fingers through Kevin's silky hair. He liked the wavy mess, liked the way it framed the square lines of Kevin's face. “I was just making an observation and remembering that Nicki said you had a dominant streak."

  Kevin shook his head. “My best girl has been trotting out tales about me.” He sighed and pretended to be offended.

  "She told me to be careful or I'd end up tied up."

  Kevin's smile was sweet, though still playful. “Only if you wanted to play those sorts of games. I wouldn't force...” He was interrupted by a knock on the door, and he got up so Connor could answer it. But it was only their food. Connor paid the man and searched for someplace to put the pizza.

  "Floor.” Kevin slid to the floor and sat cross-legged, a position that hinted at great flexibility.

  Connor sighed. “I'm too old to sit in the floor. Those were college days."

  "You aren't old. Get the beer."

  Connor laughed but grabbed two beers from the fridge. He groaned when he sat down, wishing he could sit Indian style still. “I'll be all stiff after this.” He opened both bottles and passed one to Kevin, who took a long pull, then plucked a breadstick from the box and dunked it in the sauce.

  Kevin wagged his finger. “No double-dipping."

  "Yes, Sir."

  Wickedness gleamed in Kevin's eyes. “Practicing, are you?"

  Connor choked, and Kevin shifted to pound on his back until he stopped coughing.

  "I'm only joking.” He laughed a little, apparently at ease now.

  Connor wondered how much of that was attraction and how much that Connor hadn't run away after hearing Kevin's
secrets.

  "You brought this conversation up. Don't tell me you've never done anything remotely kinky."

  "I had sex in an elevator once."

  "That's tame.” The playfulness was back. “You can do better than that."

  Connor cleared his throat and blood rushed to his cheeks. “I—"

  "Bashful?” Kevin giggled, that strange school-girlish giggle Connor had heard that night at his apartment. “You can't be bashful with me, or I'll start telling tales."

  Connor took a deep breath, stunned at Kevin's change of demeanor. “I did a threesome once, but that was—"

  Kevin tossed a piece of his breadstick at him. “You're talking to me, remember?” He continued on, unfazed. “I let a guy I'd met once tie me up and flog me at a party in front of about fifty other people. I scandalized Devon.” His eyes glittered as he thought about something much happier than Josh's cruelty. “One threesome? Being from New York I would have thought..."

  A part of Connor thought he should have been offended, but an even greater part liked Kevin's openness about things he had always kept to himself. He liked Kevin's sudden playfulness even more.

  "I like to role play."

  Kevin's grin was infectious, and Connor found himself smiling. “Dish, my friend."

  "You want examples?” Connor asked.

  "Of course, I want examples. You asked about my brand of kink, now I want to hear yours. I still think you need some leather.” Kevin bit into a slice of pizza, and the pink tip of his tongue snaked out to lick his lips slowly.

  "My partner and I pretended not to know one another. I picked him up at a club, and then we went to the bathroom and sucked one another off."

  Kevin curled a string of cheese around his finger and licked it off as slow as he could, then sucked his finger.

  Connor looked away, imagining Kevin's lips around a different part of anatomy. “God, you're a tease."

  Kevin didn't laugh, didn't even react to the comment. “I'm a switch.” The statement was spoken with an even, steady voice, but Kevin's eyes were glowing with puckish delight.

  "What?” Connor wasn't familiar with the term, and he didn't know why Kevin had used it.

  "I like to top as well as bottom. I've played the master before, and I like it. I like to be in charge as much as I like to give up control. Most of the best Doms I played with started out as subs. Devon started out that way. We had a thing for a while.” He shrugged. “I can't even call it a thing. All we did was fuck, but we knew how to read each other.” He ate a little less suggestively now. “I like to top from the bottom. You do know what that means, don't you?” When Connor didn't respond, he licked the length of a breadstick, before closing his lips around the end and sucking it.

  Connor swallowed hard. This was the real Kevin, he realized. This playful, candid creature who was unashamed of himself. Connor liked Kevin's serious side, but he adored this one.

  "You're a hellcat in bed, aren't you?"

  Kevin giggled. “Why, Sir, I do believe I've frightened you.” He batted his eyes, and Connor laughed, but he hadn't forgotten what Kevin had just said. All those fantasies he'd had of burying himself deep inside Kevin suddenly dissolved into a new fantasy, one with the roles reversed. Much to his surprise, he found the idea exciting.

  "I'm not frightened."

  "You aren't being honest.” He pouted at that. “I can tell. Your eyes get shifty when you lie."

  "I think you should've been a cop."

  "Thought about it but decided getting shot at wasn't for me. Am I scaring you?"

  "A little."

  The teasing stopped, and Kevin finished the slice of pizza and chased it down with a drink of beer. “You're older than me. I can't be that much more experienced."

  Connor shrugged. “Maybe not more experienced, just more adventurous. I'm afraid my exploits have been rather vanilla."

  Kevin raised his beer in a toast. “Adventure is the spice of life. You've got to try new things. That's what makes life worth living."

  Connor tapped his bottle against Kevin's.

  "So you did it in public. Is that as juicy as it gets?"

  Connor groaned, but they traded tales over two more bottles of beer and half of the pizza. When they went to bed later, much earlier than Connor was used to, Kevin didn't tease. He wrapped Connor's arm around his waist and snuggled against him so they lay spooned together. When Thumper hopped onto the bed and curled into the crook of Connor's legs, he thought his life couldn't get anymore perfect.

  [Back to Table of Contents]

  Chapter Thirteen

  Kevin heard Connor's whispered, “I love you,” before he fell asleep the previous night. He hadn't responded. A part of him was happier than he ever remembered being. Connor gave him the respect and consideration he'd always longed for and never quite found, but he wasn't ready to admit to those deeper emotions.

  The room was dark, and the clock sitting on the table beside the bed read 4:16. He laid his hand over the one resting on his hip and threaded his fingers through Connor's. He was scared. Not just of Josh, but also all of his growing feelings for the man lying beside him, and yet, he'd never felt safer, and when he was honest, he'd never felt so loved.

  He slid out of the bed, taking care not to wake Connor. He sat on the edge for a few minutes, watching Connor sleep. He looked so peaceful and sweet that Kevin almost crawled back under the covers. He was determined to put what had happened yesterday behind him. He would go to work today. Dave would pick him up a little after seven. They'd made arrangements last night, and at lunch they'd get a new cell phone. The old one had already been reported stolen.

  Connor's living room wasn't large, but his lack of furniture gave it a sense of space. Kevin turned on one of the lamps and closed the bedroom door so he wouldn't disturb Connor. After he slid the milk crates against the wall, he stood in the center of the floor and closed his eyes, centering himself, and began the stretches and warm-ups that started every day for him. He had no music, other than the shifting and creaking of the building, a bird singing outside, a car driving past, the beating of his heart, but he found rhythm in that and moved to a music only he could hear. With so little space, he concentrated on form, on holding an arabesque just so, or the turn out of his toes in each position. The motion felt good. It reminded him that he was alive.

  Halfway through a pirouette, he realized Connor was leaning against the doorframe, watching him. He wore only the sweats he'd slept in, and his arousal was quite obvious.

  Kevin fell out of the dance frame of mind and looked down at his own body. He was also shirtless and barefoot. He'd not quite broken a sweat. “How long have you been there?"

  Connor glanced at the clock behind him. “Ten minutes. Do you always get up this early? You didn't even set the alarm."

  Kevin wished he had a shirt. He suddenly felt cold. “Usually. I like this time of the day. It's quiet and peaceful. I told you I was a morning person."

  Connor smiled and moved slowly toward him. “When you said you blew a shot at a professional dance career, you neglected to mention it was a ballet career.” He touched Kevin's shoulders and bent to kiss him gently.

  "Before you lecture me, the best I could hope for is three or four more years, maybe six or seven. I could teach, and I have done that. That's partly how I put myself through school. Before Josh, I danced with a company here in the area. Not a ballet company, an eclectic group. My knee injury wasn't that serious, certainly not career-ending. I just decided I would be better served doing something practical, something that I could fall back on, because I might not get to do this forever. I like what I do, Connor. It's challenging. I hack into people's networks and then tell them how to fix the problems. The pay is good. The work is steady. I don't have to watch every bite I eat. I don't have to worry if I'm losing my edge."

  "How good were you?"

  Kevin licked his lips and took a deep breath. “Good enough that I was offered an apprentice position with the company I audit
ioned for, despite the injury. I didn't take it.” He wrapped his arms around Connor's broad chest and tucked his head beneath Connor's chin. He liked this position. He fit there so perfectly, as if Connor's body had been made to fit his. A hand touched his hair.

  "I was probably foolish. That had been my dream since I was seven, but I was twenty and stupid. I thought I'd ended my career, but a few months later, I was back in the studio. The knee was weak but workable."

  "How long have you been doing this? You look amazing."

  Kevin smiled. “Since I was three. My mom was a dancer. She had a studio, and when I was old enough, she started taking me with her when she taught classes. She was delighted when I started dancing. It was the only thing I ever did that she was proud of."

  "And you don't miss it? If you tell me no, I'll tell you that you aren't being honest."

  Kevin laughed and kissed the salty skin beneath his cheek. “I miss it. Maybe when things are settled again, I'll go to George and see how much I've really lost. I'm sure the jumps are gone, and I would have to do something with the stomach.” He looked up at Connor and smiled. “It's a good workout. I do it every morning. I didn't mean to wake you though."

  "I was just..."

  "Lonely?"

  "Lonely,” Connor agreed. His fingers touched Kevin's face, traced the line of his cheek, the curve of his jaw before tilting his head up for another kiss. “You don't have to go to work."

  Kevin kissed him again and laid his hands on Connor's cheeks. “If I stay here and hide, he wins. It's bad enough that I have to find a new place to live, but I'm not giving up my job. I did that once for him. Now, I'm sure he'll call me at work. He has before. He even showed up in the lobby of my building once. I had security escort him out. My boss understands. My outside calls are screened. Visitors are screened. I'm as safe as I can be.” He returned to his earlier position with his head tucked under Connor's chin. “I'll get a new phone at lunch today, and I'll give you the number."

  "As long as you're sure."

  "I'm sure.” He slid his hands down Connor's arms and grasped his hands. “I need to take a shower so I can go to work."