Jack sank into a chair. He spent so much time trying to fix Lilly, not realizing she’d been repairing him all along. It was clear the last time they were in his playroom. Everything he’d said to her that night was true.
She’d healed him.
He needed her.
He was hers.
“Yes,” Jack said. “I love her.”
Patrick nodded, as if he’d expected that answer all along. “Then you did what Eve asked. You were just too stupid to figure it out.”
Lights flashed against the front windows. Jack heard the sound of an engine idling in the driveway.
“Guess the night ended early,” Patrick said, heading toward the door. “Josh is home and my ride is here.”
“Patrick,” Jack began, but his friend cut him off with a wave.
“We’re cool, but you’ve got some shit to work out, and I can’t help you with it anymore.” He opened the door and glanced back over his shoulder. “I’ve always wanted to be you, Jack. Don’t choose now to be like me.”
He clapped Josh on the shoulder as he left. Meaning to greet Josh, Jack stood and then put a hand to his temple. A headache had coiled up in his skull, and the room was starting to swim.
“I didn’t think you’d be home so soon,” Jack managed to say.
“I had a question to ask you,” Josh said. “When were you going to tell me about Lilly?”
Chapter Thirty-Nine
“What are you talking about?”
“Come on, Dad. I’m not stupid.” Josh shoved his hands into his pockets and fixed Jack with a hard stare. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
His palms up in a peace offering, Jack took a step forward. The room, however, decided to go with him. Movement was obviously not a good idea.
“Nothing is going on with Lilly,” he insisted, but talking made everything worse. His pulse hammered through his temples.
“Don’t lie, Dad. I could see it in your face. It was obvious every time the two of you looked at each other.”
“Josh, it’s—”
“You let her cook here, in Mom’s kitchen! And you have litter for her goddamned cat.” He spread his arms out, as if the house itself had let him down too. “Jesus, Dad! Could you be any more of a cliché? She even looks like Mom, just half her age.”
Jack winced. Josh might as well have hacked into him with a machete.
“I never meant for you to find out, but it’s over, okay? It’s over.” Jack retreated to the couch and sank down onto it. He deserved Josh’s contempt, though. He’d earned it.
“How long?” Josh asked.
“A couple of months.”
“No, how long since it’s been over?”
“Three weeks. It seems like a year, though.” Jack grimaced as soon as the words were out. Drinking made him too honest for his own good.
Josh took a step into the room. “Why’d you end it?”
“You don’t need to hear the reasons. Just know that it’s over and nothing will ever happen between us again.”
He couldn’t believe how much it hurt to say that. Defeated, he fell back against the pillows and closed his eyes. He tried to breathe slowly until he felt Josh’s weight settle on the couch next to him.
“You haven’t answered my question.”
Jack peeled his eyes open. “Which question is that?”
“Why you didn’t tell me.”
“There was no reason to. It was never going to be something long-term.”
“Why not?”
Jack sighed and looked at the ceiling. “Because it was complicated. And I’m sorry you had to find out this way. But, like I said…it’s over.”
There was a long beat of uncomfortable silence. Jack glanced over at his son. His chin was ducked down, some of the fury drained out of him.
“So you really cared about her?” Josh asked. “This wasn’t just about sex?”
“No,” Jack replied sadly. “It wasn’t.”
“That explains what happened after you left.”
Jack felt a flash of panic. “What do you mean?”
“Lilly wouldn’t talk to anyone, not even her brother. Cassie ended up taking her home.”
What a mess. He’d practically pushed her into Damien’s arms. At least Cassie was there for her, and no doubt she’d told Lilly exactly where Jack could shove it. She would’ve been right too. Lilly needed a friend like that. She’d needed it all along.
It was wrong of him to have made her stay quiet. He’d done the exact same thing Damien did—ignoring her in public, keeping her hidden like some dirty little secret. His own selfish need for discretion had trumped his responsibility to her. He was supposed to put her well-being above everything else, and he’d only thought about himself.
What a shitty Dominant he turned out to be.
Josh leaned forward, his gaze on the floor. With his body hunched over, his elbows on his knees, he looked exactly like he did during Eve’s last moments.
“Do you know why I don’t come home anymore?” Josh asked.
“Because it’s too hard without Mom here.”
“That’s not why.”
“Okay. Why?”
“I don’t come home because I can’t stand seeing you like this.” Josh’s words hit Jack like a sucker punch, driving the air straight out of him. “I miss Mom, but I made my peace with her death. I’m living my life and doing the PhD program like she wanted me to. I’m doing what she asked. You’re not.”
Jack’s spine stiffened. “What do you mean?”
Josh looked over his shoulder at him. “I heard what she said to you before she died.”
Everything stopped. Jack tried to swallow, but his throat clamped shut. “You did?”
“I was standing right there.” He nodded toward the kitchen. “In the doorway.”
The sudden grief was a painful spike inside him. “I didn’t know you heard,” he croaked. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. It was my fault. I shouldn’t have listened.”
“It’s okay—”
“Mom wanted you to be happy,” Josh interrupted, and this time, it was his voice that broke. “Did Lilly make you happy?”
Jack nodded, slowly. “Yes. She did.”
Josh let his head drop before shaking it and taking a deep breath. “Can you get her back?”
He was stunned for a second time that evening. A wistful smile pushed its way across Jack’s lips. “I don’t know.”
“You should try. If you love her, then you have to try.”
“It might be too late.”
“Then you’d better do it soon. If you meant what you promised Mom, then you have to let her go and find a way to be happy.”
Jack’s throat went tight, his mouth dry. “Thank you.”
Josh nodded and stood. “I’m gonna go to bed.”
“You go on up. I’m crashing soon too.”
When Jack heard Josh’s footsteps on the third floor, he made his way through the house, turning off lights as he went.
His head spun with Josh’s and Patrick’s words. All this time, he’d thought he’d been ignoring the promise he made to Eve, putting it aside for his own selfish desires, when the truth was it had been the opposite.
He paused at the basement door, beckoned by what lay behind it, and his memories of Lilly. The wide-eyed wonder in her beautiful hazel eyes. Her blushes and her tears. Her determination. Her love for him, despite the odds.
His beautiful, strong, stubborn little girl.
He loved her, and he wanted her back, not just in his playroom, but in his life too.
Was it too late to fix this?
It couldn’t be. He simply wouldn’t accept the idea that she’d decided to go back to Damien, or the possibility that he’d lost her for good. His only hope was in showing her
he could give her the things she’d wanted so badly. Things he’d refused to give her before.
He was going to show her he could give her everything.
Early Saturday morning, Lilly arrived at the café she and Damien had agreed on the night before. She’d told him she needed to sleep on it, but he was taking an early flight back, so breakfast had been her only option. It was a good thing Cassie had told the cabbie to stop for doughnuts on the way home last night, or the three shots Lilly had at the bar would’ve made this morning suck even more.
She’d thought about Damien’s offer all night. About how sincere he seemed, dangling what she wanted in front of her like a shiny treat. And then Jack’s reaction to everything, how miserable he looked, acting like she was the one hurting him. He had his chance to change everything. He could’ve said something the moment she told him Damien wanted her. All it would’ve taken were a few words:
“Don’t go back to him. I love you.”
But he hadn’t said that. He’d gotten wasted instead, leaving without even a good-bye.
She hated how things were now, but that didn’t change the past. Didn’t change how Jack’s touch and words had rebuilt her, piece by piece. No matter what had happened in the end, she’d been changed by him. She’d learned to believe in herself again because of his help. And after a sleepless night, Lilly knew what she was going to say to Damien.
She found him at a table by the window, dressed in a crisp shirt and his trademark sex-mussed hair. It occurred to her there was no reason he couldn’t have hooked up with someone else last night. She wouldn’t have put it past him, despite all he’d said about wanting her back.
After all, she shouldn’t fool herself into believing he was hers.
Lilly sat down. She didn’t even open her menu. “Why do you want me back?”
Damien’s eyebrows climbed up in surprise. “I thought I made that clear last night.”
“You said a lot of things, but you never actually said why.”
His eyes narrowed slightly. He obviously thought he was through with apologizing. Contrite was not a color he wore well for long.
“I’m not sure what else you want me to say.”
“How about telling me why you’ve been going crazy thinking about me? Do you actually care about me, or do you just miss the sight of me on my knees?”
“Lower your voice,” he hissed.
“See, there’s something I’m waiting for, Damien.” She emphasized his name, and his eyes shone with disapproval, his lips pressed together in obvious displeasure, but she didn’t care. She had no intention of calling him Sir ever again. “Something I want to hear before I submit to anyone. Because now I know that being a submissive doesn’t make me weak. Actually, it makes me incredibly strong. So when I choose to kneel before someone again, I’ll do it because that person loves me.”
She paused, sure of the answer to the question she was about to ask by the malice in his eyes. “Do you love me?”
Damien closed his menu, sat back against his chair and said nothing.
Lilly laughed. “That’s what I thought.”
She stood, enjoying the role reversal of looking down at him.
“I’m not the girl you used to know, and I’m not going back to Chicago. My life is here. I have a future here.” She started to walk away, but stopped and turned back to face him. “It’s funny. I’ve hated you for a long time. I had nightmares about how you broke me, but now I actually have to thank you for it. If you hadn’t done what you did, I would never have realized how strong I am. I’m smarter because of it. And I’ll never make the same mistake again.”
She walked out without looking back.
Outside, she breathed in the warm air and smiled up at the sun, feeling freer than she’d felt in ages. It was as if she’d thrown off the weight of a thousand rusted chains that had been keeping her shackled to her past. And while part of her wished she could tell Jack everything, there was one person she needed to talk to more.
A few minutes and a couple of blocks later, she knocked on the door to Nick and Gabe’s brownstone. Gabe opened it and rubbed his eyes.
“What are you doing here so early?” he asked. “Is it Monday? Did I sleep through the weekend?”
“No, it’s Saturday. Is Nick here?”
“He’s in the darkroom. Come in.”
She waited in the kitchen as Gabe went to retrieve Nick. Her brother emerged from the hallway, wiping his hands, his smile bright.
“What’s doing, kiddo?”
“Can we talk?”
Nick’s smile vanished. “Sure. You okay?”
“Yeah. Just have some stuff to tell you about.”
Nick sat down next to her, and Gabe poured them each a cup of coffee before squeezing both their shoulders and leaving the room. Nerves flooded her system, her knee bouncing under the table. It was a big risk, but she needed her brother’s acceptance, and to stop lying for good.
“I need to tell you about what happened back at school. It wasn’t just a bad breakup.”
“Never thought it was.”
Lilly took a breath and told him everything, from when she met Damien to just minutes before when she kicked him out of her life for good. Her tongue nearly stuck to the roof of her mouth when she told him about being Damien’s submissive, what he kept from her and how stupid she felt when she figured everything out. The hardest part to say, however, was how she was strangely grateful for the experience, because it helped her figure out a part of herself, that she now understood this was who she was.
But it was also the easiest to say too, because she knew he’d understand.
When she finished, Nick took her hand in his. “Why didn’t you tell me all this before?”
“I didn’t want you to think badly of me.”
“Why would you ever think I would feel that way?”
“People don’t exactly accept this kind of lifestyle. You’re looked at as a freak, or some kind of twisted sex maniac.”
Nick sighed. “Do you have any idea how hard it was for me to tell you I was gay?”
“To tell me? Why?”
“One word: Mom.”
“I never would’ve reacted the way she did.”
“But I didn’t know that. And it was the nineties. People didn’t accept different sexual orientations yet. Many still don’t. And I didn’t want you to think badly of me. I was the football star, the big brother, the hero. How could I be gay?”
“But you’ve always been my hero. Nothing could ever change that. And I never cared who you fell in love with, just as long as you were happy.”
“Exactly.”
It took a second before Lilly understood what he was saying. She blinked, unable to respond.
He squeezed her hand. “Gay or straight, Dominant or submissive, old or young—it’s all the same thing. It’s all people, and the different ways we care about one another. That’s what I take photos of. That’s what my life stands for. You love who you love, Lilly. You can’t change that.”
Tears pricked, hot in her eyes. “And if they don’t love you back?”
“Sometimes people don’t know what they want, and you have to wait for them to catch up with themselves. To figure it out on their own.”
Nick smiled, and Lilly considered the possibility that he might know about Jack, but didn’t say anything. One confession was enough for today, and there was no point in telling him now.
“That’s good advice,” she said, wiping away a tear. “I guess I’ll have to keep hoping.”
“That’s all any of us have got, kiddo.”
Lilly smiled. “There’s one other thing I’ll need to be hopeful about. I’m going to take the bar exam.”
“It’s about freaking time.” They both laughed. Nick squeezed her hand again. “Did you eat?”
“Nope.”
“How do pancakes sound?”
She sighed. “That sounds perfect.”
As they stood and started prepping, her phone beeped with a text. Figuring it was Cassie making sure she made it through the morning in one piece, Lilly pulled it from her purse. Her stomach did a somersault when she saw Jack’s name on the screen.
She took a deep breath and opened his message.
Can you meet me this afternoon at Rosie’s?
No “how are you”, no emoticon to soften the blow. Great. He probably wanted to talk about how she behaved after he left last night. She hadn’t exactly done an awesome job of keeping her emotions to herself.
Lilly replied with as little feeling as he’d put into his own words, saying she could be there around three. She needed time to get her head together. After this morning, she was exhausted. But it would be good to get it over with today. Maybe after they talked, she could find some closure and figure out how to go on with life without him.
Chapter Forty
The house was quiet when Jack returned from the store, the sounds of late spring stealing in through the open windows. He placed the flowers he’d bought by the steps and went into the kitchen to scribble out a note for Josh, who was probably still asleep. It was past noon, but the kid was on California time, and yesterday took a lot out of both of them.
Leaving the note by the coffee machine, Jack went up to his bedroom and stood in front of Eve’s nightstand. He opened the drawer, took out the jewelry box, flipped it open and studied Eve’s collar and wedding rings that lay inside. After unlatching the silver chain, he slipped it free of the rings and dropped it into his pocket. Stowing the rings back into the box, he went to his closet and slid it onto a shelf near the ceiling.
Then he went downstairs, picked up the flowers and headed out into the day.
The drive across the river was calm, little traffic for early on a Saturday afternoon. He found a parking space and cut the ignition. Flowers in hand, Jack walked through the stone archway leading into the cemetery. Sun filtered through the towering pines, the sky a curve of soft, pale blue above him. Birds chirped happily from their perches, and the sound of children’s laughter echoed from the playground nearby. When he approached the gentle slope of a small hill underneath a weeping willow, Jack stopped.
His Contract: Legally Bound, Book 1 Page 32