Bad as in Good

by J. Lovelace

  The sound of his moans vibrating against my sensitive skin made my body shudder and my legs tense. I rested there, victim to his touch. Soon, the screams came. They bubbled at my lips and erupted like a volcano. Pouring out, reverberating off his apartment walls. At that moment, I didn’t care if his neighbors heard. All I wanted was to feel that orgasm that had been longing to escape. It feened for freedom as he licked, licked and nibbled. And like that, every muscle in my body tightened as I boiled in ecstasy. He never eased up. He held on to my waist and thighs and kept his lips and tongue so close to my hole that I thought we were conjoined. I gasped for air, trying to gain composure, but my body exploded and then collapsed.

  “Shit, Louis.” My man. The man who sucked the life from my insides and breathed it back in.

  “I’m glad you liked it.”

  “I loved it,” I sang.

  “I love you.”

  I smiled awkwardly, not knowing how to respond. I tried to break the awkwardness with my witty humor. “I need to oil your scalp more often.” He bought it. He kissed my inner thigh gently and stood up. When I felt a phone vibrating, I glanced at mine but remembered that it was turned off. I looked over and noticed Louis’s phone was lit up. I would’ve looked away had it not been for Teona’s name on his caller ID. I looked up at him and handed him his phone. “Why is Teona callin’ you?” I noticed the time. “It’s after midnight.”

  Louis took his phone and sent her call to his voicemail. Throwing his phone to the couch, he said, “I told you that she keeps callin’ me.”

  “Do you need to change your phone number? I don’t like her calling you like this. I’m trying to move forward, but she’s makin’ it hard when she’s constantly intruding.”

  He took a deep breath and sat down next to me. “I can understand that. I don’t know why she keeps callin’.”

  “Are you sure things are over between you two? She doesn’t seem to think so.”

  “We’re over. After the abortion, I was done.” He threw his head back and sighed. “Shit.”

  I jerked my head back and shot up. “Excuse me?” I didn’t want him to say it again, and he wouldn’t. Still, he opened Pandora’s box, and I had more questions that required answers. “What do you mean abortion? Louis, you got that girl pregnant?”

  He stood up and tried to hold my hands. I snatched my hands away and tried to shoo him away. “Erin, I…I don’t know what to say.”

  “What can you say? Louis…” I squeezed the skin between my eyebrows and sighed. “I asked you if there was anything else I should know, and you lied to me. Every time I try to let things go, I find out something else.”

  “I know…I know. I didn’t…”

  “When did she get pregnant, before or after you proposed to her?”

  “Does it matter?”

  “If it didn’t, I wouldn’t be asking.”

  He rubbed his dreads and grunted. “Erin, what I had wit’ Teona didn’t mean anything. How many times do I have to say that? I thought she was something that she wasn’t. She got pregnant, and at the time I wanted her to keep it, but she aborted it. After that, I found out she was sleepin’ around and lying about so much bull-shit.”

  “If she hadn’t gotten the abortion, would you two still be together?”

  He didn’t say anything. His eyes were blank, and his mouth was open with absent words. When he realized he hadn’t said much, he quickly said, “No.”

  I nodded and looked for my purse. “I prolly woulda believed you if you answered quicker.” When I found my purse, I snatched it from Louis’ sectional and walked to the door.

  Louis ran after me and pleaded his case. “Erin, stop running away.”

  Without looking back, I waved goodbye and grabbed the door handle. “There’s nothing left to discuss.” Louis put his weight on the door to keep me from leaving. I turned around and folded my arms. “Open the door, Louis.”

  “No. Not until we discuss this. Don’t you think I know how bad this looks? I love you, care about you, and I want to be with you. I don’t spend my days thinkin’ ’bout Teona and what we had. What Teona and I had was something at the time, but it’s nothing compared to you and me.”

  “Oh, now it was something. Not too long ago, it was a fling. Then, it was an engagement; now, it was you two starting a damn family together. If it didn’t mean anything, you wouldn’t have kept all this from me. If I let this go, how do I know I won’t find out about something else? I can’t trust you. This was your third strike, Louis.”

  He stared at me as if he were shocked at the possibility of us being over. He held his chest and shook his dreads. I looked away from his stare. I got the same feeling I had from before, that unfamiliar feeling. I was back at Louis’s place feeling like I was facing a stranger. Louis was one man to my face and someone else behind closed doors. Behind his closed doors, he shared a meaningful relationship with a woman who cared more about her makeup than her body. He shared a child with her. He contemplated the idea of sharing a last name with her. And then, not too long after, he says he’s in love with me. Nothing seemed real anymore. Louis seemed too good to be true, and I finally understood why. Louis took a deep breath and moved away from the front door. “What does that mean, Erin? Are we done?”

  I shrugged my shoulders. “I can’t see how we wouldn’t be. You made me doubt things with you. I’m a rebound from Teona. Whatever you had with Teona wasn’t nothing. You still care about her because she’s keeps finding a way back in our relationship. I’m tired of talkin’ about it. I’m too grown for all this. I don’t have to deal with this.”

  “Why does it even matter? Why does it have to be all or nothing? You’re the one that keeps bringin’ her up. I’m tryna let it go.”

  “Now it’s my fault? Her flashing your engagement ring in my face, you showing up at Loraine’s house looking for her, you two fighting over your relationship in my kitchen is all my fault, Louis?”

  “Erin, can we sit down and talk? You gotta stop runnin’ from all this.”

  “I’m not running. Louis, I don’t like when you keep things from me. I keep askin’ you to talk to me like an adult; instead, you keep hidin’ things like a child. I’m done datin’ men who act like children. We haven’t even been together a year, and already your past keeps coming up like you don’t want it to go away.”

  “Now I’m actin’ like a child?”

  “Imagine if the roles were reversed.”

  “Erin, I understand how this seems, but I don’t feel my past is something important enough for us to discuss.”

  “It is when it keeps shoving itself back in my face.”

  “I can’t control Teona.”

  “I’m not askin’ you to. I asked you to be honest with me. I’ve given you ample time to speak up, Louis.”

  “What benefit would you have gotten from me tellin’ you that I got her pregnant? I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want you to act like this.”

  We were going around in circles. I rubbed my eyes as our dialogue went through my mind from start to finish, and then I realized it was time to shift gears. “Did you want her to have your baby?”

  “Erin…” Louis turned away from me. He was frustrated, but he was the one forcing us back into these situations. “Why would you ask me that?”

  “Answer the fuckin’ question, Louis! Why can’t you answer simple questions? I know you still want this girl, Louis.”

  “I don’t believe in abortion, Erin, but I don’t want to be with Teona. How many times do I have to say it?”

  “If I have to constantly question it, that’s a problem for us, Louis.”

  “Tell me what I have to do, and I’ll do it.”

  I opened my mouth and grabbed the sides of my head. We would argue, and I’d end up back where we started—nowhere. I needed to face the obvious. It was hard for me to move forward with someone I couldn’t trust. I’d ask Louis questions that I needed answers to, and he’d skirt around them like they were heat-seekin
’ missiles. I wanted to make things work. I couldn’t face the possibility that a married man was my best hope at a somewhat fulfillin’ relationship. But doubt was a sneaky bastard that I couldn’t leave unattended. “We need to take a break.”

  Louis swallowed the lump in his throat as he lowered his head and chewed his bottom lip. “I’d rather we slow things down. We can start over; I’ll tell you everything you want to know.”

  I turned my head as I turned the doorknob. “I need time to think. I dunno if this is a relationship that I have the tolerance for anymore.”

  “Why do you let Teona get to you? Is she worth us not being together?”

  “Teona’s not the problem, Louis. You are. You can’t be honest with me. Teona has a hold on you; sometimes I feel as if I can still smell her on you.”

  “Why do I need to tell you everything about that relationship? Should I be telling you about all my past relationships? You haven’t even told me about your last boyfriend.”

  “It’s not a matter of you telling me everything. Honestly, when I think about you and her, I wonder what you’re doing with me. I may be wrong for judging a man for his past, but I’m human. I can see why a man would want to fuck her, but marry her, and have a child by her—she’s still a child herself. When I think about the type of relationship you had with a girl like that, I question the man I’m with, especially when it’s obvious that you still have feelings for her. Her, Louis! Even after you found out what type of girl she is, you still harbor feelings toward her; whether you choose to admit it or not.” I took a deep breath and rubbed between my eyes. “I can’t do this right now.” I wasn’t emotionally prepared to deal with it all. I needed space. My sense of peace desired the chance to be alone with my thoughts as I contemplated the fate of my relationship. “I’ll call you later.” Louis talked a big talk, but the reality was he didn’t see the sense in lettin’ me into a relationship he knew meant more than he let on. I believed him when he said he wanted to be with me, but he was lying when he said Teona meant nothing. It was clear now more than ever that Teona, the floating petri dish of venereal diseases, meant more to Louis than a simple fling. And that revelation disgusted me.

  Louis pulled me into a kiss. The kiss was apologetic and warm. He caressed my face as he grazed the skin of his lips against mine. I licked my lips and pulled away. He whispered, “I’ll wait on that call.”

  I didn’t say anything. I considered the prospect of forgiving Louis, ignoring my concerns, and allowing Louis to be the man he begged to be for me. At the same time, I considered how it would be when I brought along my man to the same functions where Teona was. With Loraine as my best friend, Teona’s appearances would eventually be unavoidable. I would have to compete for Louis’s attention with a girl like Teona. The thought alone was nothing short of irritating. I needed space, and Louis needed time to realize why his relationship with Teona affected him the way it clearly did. We parted ways with no more words, silenced by the possibility that this might be too hard to fix.

  CHAPTER 27

  Erin

  I lied. When I reached Tariq’s door that warm Friday night, I lied and told him that Louis and I were completely over. Louis wanted the opportunity to start over, but I wasn’t sure I wanted to. When I went home the night after Louis’s confession, I stood in my shower wondering what my next move would be. My meeting with Vivian was an eye-opener. Initially, I thought it was a sign for me to give Louis another chance, but after what happened, I thought maybe it was my cue to live dangerously. I needed to stop living so earnestly and do what made me happy. The next night, I didn’t call Louis. I showed up at Tariq’s door and lied to ease my relationship, allowing myself to submit to him. Louis was still technically my man, as I didn’t completely end things, but Tariq was callin’ my body for the longest, and it was due time that I answered. Initially, when I showed up at his door again, I wanted him to tell me that I was too late and that he had reconciled with his wife when she came home to retrieve her panties and shoes, but like before, he let me in.

  “We’re done,” I said when he shut the door behind us.

  “What?”

  “My man and I…well, my ex. We’re over. I needed time to sort things out.” I didn’t mean to lie at first. In a sense, I hadn’t lied. Louis and I were most likely over. But if the roles were reversed, I’d consider Louis a cheater if he were doing the same thing I was about to do.

  “Oh yeah.” He smiled devilishly. “I’m glad you came by to see me then.” He looked me up and down and walked over to his couch.

  I expected him to rip my clothes off and lead me to the bedroom, but I followed him to his couch to have a sit down instead. When we sat, I tried not to stare at his bare chest. This time, he wore boxers that hung off his waist while his packaged peeked through the slit in the middle. I wanted to ride him at that moment. I sat quietly, not letting his glistening chest distract me. I didn’t know what to say. All I wanted was an excuse to take my clothes off , but he sat there calmly.

  “Why you sitting so far away?” He wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me closer to him. My body was tense. I didn’t know what game he was playing. Any other time, my pussy would’ve been throbbing around his dick while I screamed out in passion. Tonight, he was taking it mysteriously slow. I edged closer to him and took steady breaths. He rubbed my skin. “Damn, I really did miss you.”

  “That’s good to hear.”

  Rubbing my thighs, he ran the tip of his tongue across his lips. “You look good, as always.”

  I peeled off my work blazer. “Thanks.” I was giving him the permission to do what he begged to do for months, and he was squandering it all away with small talk. “I can’t stay for long.”

  “Ain’t like you got work in the morning.” He pulled me closer to him and planted sweet and short tongue-free kisses on my lips. When he pulled away, I sat there wondering why he stopped. He was toying with me. He whispered, “I want you bad, but I’m tryna give you what you want.”

  “And what’s that, Tariq?”

  “You know, the only woman that calls me Tariq is my grandmother.” That was the first time he had ever mentioned his family to me. For months, he had spent his time pushing me away, and now, he was awkwardly letting me in. It was discomforting. I didn’t want it like this. I didn’t want to build a relationship with Tariq; only sex. Then, the thought of leading two men on while I lied my way through made me feel dirty. I didn’t know how men did it. I moved away from him and looked at my phone. The fact that Louis hadn’t texted or called me in the past twenty minutes made me feel as if something was wrong, like he knew what I was up to. I felt wrong moving on so quickly after not giving Louis the respect to actually end things.

  “I have to go.”

  Tariq’s smile faded. “Whatchu mean? I want you to stay.”

  “I’m feelin’ a lil’ weird, like this isn’t right.”

  “I thought you weren’t with yo’ man anymore.”

  “I’m not.” I lied—again. “But it hasn’t been long since we ended things, and I’m already here with you. And you’re still married.”

  “Want me to slow it down? Erin, I know I ain’t been the nicest man to be around sometimes, and my situation ain’t ideal but, I’m here…you’re here.”

  I moved away even further. I wasn’t ready to be that girl. I was a good girl, not one of those girls who carried on like a ho, sleepin’ around with two men at once. “I can’t. Not right now. I dunno what I was thinking.”

  “I get it. I got a wife and a son. And the bullshit you saw under my bed the other night was not what you think.”

  “I don’t care what it was. I’m not yo’ woman, and it shouldn’t matter to me. Not too long ago, though, I was someone else’s woman, and I’m already here. How do I know yo’ wife won’t show up again? You goin’ put me out again?”

  “Erin, you’re not my sidepiece. You keep saying you’re not my woman, but it’s gotta be clear by now that is something that we both
want…that we both need.”

  “Tariq, sex with you…right now—”

  “It ain’t about sex either. If this was only about sex, I would’ve been gone a long time ago. And I know the same goes for you. The back and forth with us…I try to move on from you as much as you try to do the same. But like you, I end up back here with you.”

  I heard a ringing in my ears as I felt my palms moist. I wondered if he could hear my heart beating while I looked down at his lap and saw his package peeking through more as he grew hard to my presence. It was certain that he wanted me sexually, but I wasn’t sure he could handle me emotionally. In actuality, I didn’t go there for an emotional connection. But it was hard for me to be with someone in that way and not feel anything for him. I may have talked big, but at the end of the day, I’d want Tariq to hold me while we slept. I’d want him to call me the next morning and text me how much he missed me. I ran from it, but I wanted a relationship with Tariq even though he was in the same situation I chastised Louis for. He was holding on to a relationship that he claimed was over. Nevertheless, I ran to Tariq and allowed him to fill my head with colorful words that made my panties wet.

  “I ain’t goin’ make you do anything you don’t wanna do, but I ain’t goin’ lie. I want you more than I can even describe right now. Erin, my situation is what it is. If my wife shows up, it’ll be a fucked-up situation, but I won’t kick you out this time. At least not out the window.” He joked but I winced. At the same time, I stared at his package that grew so big I felt the need to gift-wrap it. He held my hand, and I could feel him pulling it toward him. I wanted to pull back, but staring at him had me salivating.