Bad as in Good

by J. Lovelace

  Then, like clockwork, my phone vibrated. We both stopped as I checked the message. It was Louis with another reminder of my poor decision-making. In that moment, I thought about how uncomfortable I would be with Louis as I fantasized about Tariq. If I acted on my emotions, I could live out the fantasy. “I dunno what to say, Tariq.”

  “You can say or do whatever you feel like. If it’ll make you feel better, we ain’t even gotta have sex. It’s gotten to the point where having you around me is enough.”

  “Your situation…your marriage isn’t a situation. You’re a married man and I’m here contemplating spending a night with you. This feels wrong.”

  “My marriage is a joke. It’s a convenient way for me to see my son. But what it ain’t is something that I can keep lettin’ get in between you and me.”

  “Now there’s a you and me?”

  “If you want it. I do.”

  “What happened between you and your wife?”

  Tariq shrugged his shoulders and turned to face his wall. Sucking his teeth, he squeezed the skin over his knees and sighed. “She cheated. She lied. She played me like a fool. And after it all, I was stupid enough to agree to marry her. Now, here I am—trying to get her to sign divorce papers that she refuses to sign while I spend my time with you.”

  “If she cheated on you, why did you still marry her?”

  “When you have a son…” Tariq dropped his shoulders. “I hate talking about it because I feel embarrassed sometimes. When I married her, it was only for convenience, never because I loved her. That’s why I call it a situation and not a marriage. That’s why I don’t wear a wedding ring. That’s why you don’t see any pictures of her up in my place. She makes my life hell and she refuses to let me go. It is what it is.” Tariq took a deep breath as he clenched his fists. Licking his lips, he smiled. “I don’t wanna talk about her, though.”

  “But I don’t understand. How do two people marry for convenience?”

  “It was convenient for her. I thought I was doing what was best for my son. The plan was to divorce after our son was born; well, it was my plan at least. I don’t wanna get into it all, but please know, she’s nobody I plan to work things out with.”

  When Tariq spoke about his wife, there was a ray of aggravation that often washed over his face. The corner of his lip would quiver and his jaw would tighten. Usually, his look of exasperation was often accompanied by a small vein on the side of his forehead that would rest there until he changed the subject. Interestingly enough, it was a pleasant change from the look of longing that would often wash over Louis’s face whenever we discussed Teona. Nevertheless, Tariq was still Tariq, even if he was playin’ nice today. I was tired of getting the Jekyll and Hyde complex with him. I wondered if I had to play hard to get him to be the man that I wanted him to be when I wanted him to be it. As I stared into his eyes and he sat there vulnerably, my pussy quaked. I was turned on by the man who was scared of me leaving and cared about my feelings. I didn’t care about his wife anymore, or the past. Even though I had more questions and needed more clarity, in that moment, I wanted to do whatever I wanted to do. “Let’s go to your bedroom.”

  Without another word, he led me to his bedroom and shut the door. When he laid me down, I wrapped my arms and legs around him like a cocoon. He kissed me in a way that made my breaths short and my insides tense. My outsides moistened in preparation for his entry. His tongue was sweet and nearly made me forget honey existed. When he stood up to remove his boxers, I sat up to watch. When I saw how erect his dick was, I literally wiped the drool from my bottom lip. He grabbed a condom from his top drawer and kept eye contact while he opened the gold wrapper. When he got back on the bed, he slowly took off my clothes as he kissed almost every inch of my skin. He started with my gray slacks. He leisurely unbuckled my belt and lifted my ass to slide my legs out from them. He kissed my toes as he played with the band around my panties. As I started to unbutton my shirt, he spread my legs and pulled my hands to the side , making sure he did the rest. He slipped my shirt off my shoulders and then kissed down my arms. Unhooking my bra, he pinned me back and climbed on top. As we lay on top of his bed naked and hot, he whispered in my ear, “I was serious about before. We don’t have to do anything tonight if you don’t want to. I’m still enjoying your company.”

  With the tip of his dick grazing my pussy lips, I grabbed his ass and pushed down. He slid in with ease. He grabbed my right leg and placed it over his shoulder while he sucked my face. He rhythmically stroked inside me as my body wiggled underneath him. I sucked on my bottom lip and put my mind at ease. When it started to rain and the droplets tapped on his window, I relaxed my muscles and held on to the covers. I moaned as I could feel myself leaking through his sheets.

  He whispered, “Damn, I needed you tonight.” Staring into my eyes, he pulled the ponytail holder from my hair and let my tresses fall over my shoulders.

  Like the Nile river, I gushed. I spread my lips as tiny screams crept past my lips. He kindly gyrated on top of me, kissing my lips and licking my neck. I began trembling uncontrollably as I felt myself coming. Not five minutes passed, and I was already tingling from my toes to my eyelids. I squeezed my pelvic muscles as I dug my nails into his back and sucked on his earlobe, nibbling on his skin.

  “I can make you come all night,” he said victoriously as he kept stroking. Pushing inside of me, my pussy lips clasped around him, and I shrieked in passion.

  “Damn.” I could faintly hear the sound of my phone vibrating as I approached the cusp of another come. I ignored it, without remorse. I couldn’t let thoughts of Louis ruin an orgasm women wrote songs about.

  Tariq lifted my left leg and placed it on his shoulder while he sat on his knees. He pulled me back and forth while I arched my back. When my toes curled and heat ripped through my body, I was coming again. I didn’t know I was screaming until my muscles loosened. “Feels good?” he asked right as his dick swelled inside me. He was coming, too. “Shit,” he yelled out as he collapsed on top of me.

  As we lay there, catching our breaths, I smirked. I enjoyed the feeling. When Tariq pulled me closer to him, I rested my head on his shoulder. We didn’t say much; we relaxed in a moment that was bittersweet. Nevertheless, I lay there smiling while I focused more on the sweet part of the experience.

  • • •

  “Fuck you!”

  “Fuck you too!”

  Their voices rang through Loraine’s front door like sirens blaring. I may not have wanted to hear the sounds of Loraine and her ex making love, but I was sucker for a good domestic argument. I stood a few feet away from the door with my ear in their direction. Loraine’s voice continued and said, “I didn’t ask for this, Lorenz.”

  “Then what the fuck were we doing? Was it about dick wit’ you?”

  “It was always about pussy wit’ you!”

  “There you go wit’ this bullshit again. Yeah, I cheated! I apologized. I pleaded wit’ you. Hell, I even begged you to take me back. Stop bringin’ that shit up!”

  “Excuse me? You left me for some other woman and then came back once you realized that she couldn’t hold a candle to me. You lied, snuck around, and blatantly disrespected me for a bitch that sold bus tokens. I don’t care if she was your boss or not. I was your wife, Lorenz, and you betrayed me. I can bring that shit up all I want.”

  “I’m done hearin’ it. What did you have in mind wit’ all this? You honestly think I can be okay wit’ you fuckin’ me an’ datin’ otha niggas? Who the fuck do I look like, Loraine? You fuckin’ them too?”

  “Fuck you, Lorenz. Because you couldn’t keep yo’ dick in yo’ pants, every man I know must be putting his dick in me?”

  “I’m not playin’ wit’ you, Loraine. Stop tryna change the subject.”

  “I’m not playin’. I never said this was us gettin’ back together. I…” She paused. I could picture her twirling her dreads through her fingers while she shook her head and bit her bottom lip. “I dunno what we were
doing.”

  “I dunno either.” Lorenz lowered his tone and sighed. “Tell me—have you been fuckin’ anyone else?”

  Silence. I pictured Loraine staring at her feet while Lorenz patiently waited on her answer. I didn’t breathe; I wanted to hear her answer, too. “I don’t have to answer that.”

  More silence. I didn’t know what to picture then. Lorenz was boiling, though. They didn’t say any more words. When I saw Loraine’s doorknob turn, I ran a few steps back and pretended as if I walked up her driveway. Lorenz swung the door open and stomped past me without a hello. Loraine stood in the doorway and stared at my car. She didn’t watch as Lorenz sped off without a glance back in her direction. She stood there in her robe, hair tousled, dried sweat beads around her neck. It was clear they were sexing not long before arguing. I tried to act like I didn’t know what I heard. I gawkily said, “What’s up, girl?” She glared at me. Turning on her heel, she disappeared into her living room and left the door open for me to follow. I walked inside and closed the door behind me. I didn’t know what to say. I quickly thought up things I usually said when I didn’t know she had a fight with her ex-husband. I drew a blank. I stood there with a discomfited smile.

  Two seconds later, she pulled out a bottle of Grey Goose vodka. She poured a glass and gulped it down like wine. She then slammed the glass on her kitchen counter and exhaled. “Whatchu doing here?”

  “Came by to chat.”

  “I’m not sure I’m in the mood. I know you heard.”

  I never had a good poker face. “What was that all about?”

  Loraine poured herself another glass and guzzled it down. She wiped the excess liquid that leaked down her chin and shook her head as if I asked her a question. “Bullshit.” With frustration etched about her face, she stared at her front door as if she expected Lorenz to walk back in.

  “Why was he so mad?”

  “ ’Cause he’s full of shit. Why else?” Loraine didn’t raise her voice. She stared at her door as she tapped the brim of her glass. “I’m so sick and tired of him.”

  “What did he do?” I hated the vague innuendos and ambiguous references to Lorenz’s asshole tendencies. I wanted more. I needed to dish.

  “I thought we were fine sexing. I thought things were…what they are. But he thought we were gettin’ back together.”

  “How did this all start?”

  She poured another glass. She didn’t swallow it like before, though. This time, she let the alcohol sit on her tongue, allowing it to marinate on her taste buds. She sniffed the glass as if she were inhaling toxins and closed her eyes while the inebriation settled. I didn’t want to stop her too soon; I wanted to get her tipsy enough to spill the beans. When she opened her eyes, she took another long sip and gently placed the glass back down. “I’m not fucking anyone else, but that doesn’t mean I don’t date. Either way, Lorenz is not my man anymore. He signed the fuckin’ divorce papers. I have the right to see, call, or text whomever I want to. I don’t answer to him.”

  “You’re right about that.”

  “But when he sees another man callin’ me, he’s quick to start askin’ me all these questions. And when I refuse to answer, he throws a fit.”

  “What does he want from you?”

  “Apparently a relationship!” She went back to letting the alcohol flow down her throat like ripping rapids slapping against her esophagus with high tide. She threw her glass in her sink and walked toward her couch. When she sat down, she kicked her feet up on the coffee table and ran her fingers through her locks. “He drives me so crazy.”

  “You’re not ready for a relationship with him, anyway.”

  “I know that. I wish he knew that. I love him. At one point, I couldn’t picture myself without him, but he fucked that up when he walked out the door—twice. I learned how to fend for myself. I realized that life ain’t so scary without him. I grew up. I ain’t saying that there will never be a Loraine and Lorenz, but I know that there will never be the Loraine and Lorenz that existed before. I’m not accepting the shit he used to pull anymore. I’m a grown-ass woman wit’ grown-ass problems.” She twirled her dreads in her fingers furiously, almost ripping one from her scalp. “And dammit if I wanna fuck someone else. That’s my damn prerogative. It’s my pussy, not his.”

  “Claim yo’ pussy, girl. Own it.”

  Loraine paused initially and burst into hysterical laughter. I wasn’t tryna be funny, but my comment was enough to crack a smile and some of the unwanted tension. Loraine loosened her shoulders and let the sleeve from her oversized robe fall, revealing her come-get-me lace bra strap. She rubbed the side of her neck and pushed up her lips. “I dunno what to do, Erin. I love Lorenz. I love being with him but…I’m not ready to do this full time.”

  “Do you wanna date other men while you two have sex?”

  “I know I don’t wanna feel pressured not to. Whatchu think? Think I should give in? Ain’t like he’s tryna marry me. But he does want to keep things exclusive.”

  “You should do what makes you the happiest. You were always tryna make him happy. Why not make yourself happy this time? Things might turn out differently. If he can’t understand what you want, forget about him.”

  Loraine ran the tip of her tongue slowly across her top lip. Grabbing her phone, she scrolled through it and shook her head. “We had sex. Good sex, real slow, wet and juicy lovemaking. He had me on the wall. We were clawing at each other with this animalistic rage. It felt like we were mad at each other. Fighting each other’s bodies like we wanted to hurt each other for the pain we caused by staying apart. He grinded into me like a drill, and I…I came so hard it fell like the walls were coming down. We were panting on the floor, prepping ourselves for round two when my phone rang.” She threw her phone down on the couch beside her. “I recognized the ring and didn’t answer. Lorenz ignored it at first, but then he texted.”

  “Who’s he?”

  Loraine fixed her robe and folded her arms. She held her sides as if she were hugging herself. Her shoulders rose and fell as she fluttered her eyelids and pursed her lips. “I’ve kinda been seeing someone. Before Lorenz and I starting doin’ our thing, I met someone online.”

  “Online? When did you start online dating?”

  “I was lonely. A friend at work told me about this website called eMeet.com. I was only gonna check it out at first, but after an hour of perusing the profiles, I decided to set up my own. There were a few, well, a lot of low-lifes at first, but this one guy hit me up.” She grabbed one of her red dreadlocks and caressed it between her two fingers. Staring up at the wall, she spoke slowly and softly as her lips barely spread apart and her tongue moved seductively. “Bama56 was his profile name. In his pic, he had full lips that split open to big, white teeth. His smile was perfect, and his big, round gray eyes pierced through my computer screen as if they begged me to click on his personal info. I couldn’t stop staring at his mocha-skinned complexion. His profile read “6’4”, muscular/toned, loves God, plays golf, loves to read, reads/writes poetry, and enjoys watching the sunrise.” He sounded too good to be true, and I had to know for myself. The messages started innocent before they got real passionate. Eventually, we grew tired of waiting ’til we got online to speak and decided to exchange numbers.” She closed her eyes and tilted her head back. “Erin, his voice…his voice was deep. He had a Southern accent that dripped from his tone. I could almost taste it with each word he spoke. We would talk for hours about everything. I would even dream about him.”

  “When did this all start?”

  Loraine opened her eyes and sat up straight. Her face was euphoric as she fantasized about the mocha, gray-eyed Southern gent that stole her heart through the World Wide Web. She moaned, “Four months ago.”

  “Why didn’t you ever tell me?”

  “A part of me was ashamed. I was fallin’ for a man I never met in person. At first, it was really innocent, and I wanted to tell you, but then…the phone sex started. We would flirt onlin
e and make dirty comments here and there, but when I heard his voice, my thighs would stick.” She grabbed a magazine from her coffee table and fanned herself. Her face turned red, and her chest rose and fell at a hurried pace. “I wanted him to use his words to make love to me like I needed. It would get hot and intense to where I’d make myself come all over my sheets as he listened. After Lorenz came over, I was horny, and he was available. Bama56 would get me hot and bothered over the phone, and Lorenz would come in and close the deal.”

  “Are you still talkin’ to Bama56?”

  “Yea, I can’t stop. I still have feelings for him. The problem is I’m not the type to detach feelings from sex. Old feelings for Lorenz are resurfacing, and I’m starting to crave him. Bama56 can tell. I’m sure of it. Lorenz can tell, and when he grabbed my phone and read my text, he was sure of it.”

  “What’d the text say?”

  “Bama56 would read his poetry to me a lot. It’s really beautiful. He’d email me poems at work, and I’d lose myself in his words. He texted me part of his poem, the poem he first read to me when we first starting having phone sex.” She closed her eyes and rubbed the back of her neck. She sucked in her lips and then took a long, deep breath. She whispered, “I can illustrate how the absence of you causes my world to stop. The world lacking all its presence. Time no longer having meaning. The maddening sense of uselessness. Needing you to make seconds work again. My hard exterior is but the shell of a quivering mess. Nothing but a pile of shattered promises that yearn to feel something close to you …The very appearance of you is surreal… The heavens can’t shine as sweet as you…” She sat quietly with her eyes closed and her palms sweaty. After a second, she rubbed her fingers down her scalp and her skin.

  “Wow,” I said. “Are you in love with this man?”