Who We Could Be

by Chelsea M. Cameron

  I heard some music and it was a good song, so I decided to follow it. We crossed the street and turned a corner and there it was.

  “That’s where we’re going,” I said, pointing.

  “Okay,” Monty said after a little hesitation. Wow, I’d actually expected more resistance, but cool, okay.

  We approached the building, which turned out to be a bar that had a bunch of women in leather vests leaning against motorcycles and smoking outside.

  “Are you sure we should go in there?” Monty said, holding my arm.

  “Yeah, why not?”

  “Because I don’t think we belong in there,” she said.

  “Why not?” Looked fine to me. What was her deal?

  “Because I think this might be a lesbian bar,” she said, and then I saw two women making out right in front of us.

  “So? We’re women. Just because we aren’t lesbians, doesn’t mean we can’t go in and have one drink. Come on, one drink.”

  Monty looked up at the brick building as if it was going to swallow her up and never let her go.

  “It’ll be fine, you’re being extra,” I said, pulling her toward the door. We had our IDs checked and went in. Yup, definitely a lesbian bar. There were rainbow flags and memorabilia everywhere.

  “Listen, Vanessa and Hollie would be mad if I didn’t go to this place and then bring back stories and tell them about it,” I said.

  Monty snorted. “You’re probably right.”

  “Let’s get a drink.”

  We waded through the crowded and I bopped to the beat of the music. It was so crowded that dancing would only be possible if you were okay with bumping into a whole lot of sweaty strangers.

  “What can I get you, sweetheart?” the bartender asked. She had two eyebrow rings and more tattooed skin than not. I lost the ability to speak for a moment.

  “Uhhhh,” I said, looking at Monty. She shook her head, her eyes wide. What was wrong with us?

  “How about I make you something special? You’ll like it,” the bartender said with a wink, and I felt my face get hot. Or maybe it was just the lack of moving air in the room.

  She poured a bunch of things together into two copper cups and pushed the drinks toward me and Monty.

  “Want to start a tab?” she asked, taking my credit card.

  “Sure?” I said. I’d promised Monty only one drink, but why not? The bartender gave me a smile and I picked up my drink with both hands for some reason.

  “To the last night of the bestfriendimoon,” I said, holding my cup up. It had a lime wedge on the side that I squeezed into the drink and stirred with the tiny black straw.

  “I’m not going to call it that,” Monty said, holding her cup.

  “Come on, just one last time. For me?” I pretended to pout and Monty’s eyes went wide for a second and if it wasn’t so damn dark in here, I would have sworn she was blushing.

  “To the last night of the bestfriendimoon,” she mumbled, and we tapped our cups together. I was wary about drinking something without knowing what was in it, but bottoms up!

  “Oh, that’s nice,” I said. The drink was sweet and smoky at the same time, with a tiny hit of mint and something sharp. Ginger, maybe?

  “I think it’s a Moscow Mule,” Monty said, after taking a few sips. “But with something else. I don’t know, but it’s good. I’ll have to be careful or else I’m going to get white-girl wasted on this.”

  “Same,” I said. We sipped and looked around. I kept thinking that we were going to have someone come up to us and ask for a queer card to be here, but it wasn’t happening so far. What was happening was getting constantly jostled by other people wanting drinks.

  “Do you want to go find somewhere less crowded?” I yelled to Monty, and she nodded.

  Since I didn’t want her to get swept into the crowd, I grabbed her hand and towed her behind me as we attempted to move through a whole lot of people who didn’t want to let us through. I plowed my way forward anyway, and Monty’s fingers kept twitching in my hand.

  Somehow, I spotted a table that was at chest height and perfect for two people to set their drinks on. I made my way toward it and set my cup down, claiming this table in the name of bestfriendimoon.

  “That’s better,” I said. We were kind of tucked away, so the music wasn’t so loud and there weren’t as many people. Monty’s eyes kept flitting around the room.

  “You okay?” I asked. Maybe this had been a bad idea. “Do you want to go?” Someone pushed past me to join their friends at the next closest table, so I had to scoot closer to Monty, our arms touching. They were both bare due to the outfits. Plus, it was kinda sweaty in here.

  “No, I’m fine. Just don’t feel like we belong here. I’m scared that we’re going to get booted.”

  “I mean, they’re not going to check out queer cards, if there were such a thing. You come to Pride with me every year.”

  “That’s different. I feel like I’m an invader.”

  She finished the rest of her drink, even though she said she was going to drink it slow. Monty looked down into her cup and then at me.

  “Want another?”

  I was still working on my first, but I nodded my head. Something was off with her, and I couldn’t put my finger on it. I could sort of see what she was saying, but weren’t we being good allies by supporting the bar and buying drinks? It wasn’t like we were here to make fun of people or be homophobic or transphobic.

  While I sipped at my drink, I tried to curl back into a corner so I wasn’t taking up any space.

  “Hey, you here alone?” a voice said. I looked up to find a person with long dark hair and an eyebrow piercing smiling at me. If I had to guess, I’d say she was a few years older than me and clearly lifted a few weights. Her shoulders were barely contained by her tank. I wanted to congratulate her on all her work, but my mouth was completely dry.

  “I’m Lucinda,” she said, leaning closer to me. “Can I buy you a drink?”

  Oh. OH.

  She was hitting on me. The realization hit me like a train and I almost fell over, even though I was leaning on the table. I was getting hit on at a gay bar and I didn’t really know what to do in this situation.

  Before I could come up with anything to tell this person I was a heterosexual, an arm snaked around me and a soft voice spoke right next to my ear.

  “Hey, babe, who’s this?”

  I almost fell over again, but Monty’s arm was tight around me so I didn’t go anywhere.

  “Oh, sorry,” Lucinda said, backing off. “Nice to meet you.” And then she was gone, and I was dizzy and wondering if this was real life.

  MONTY

  I couldn’t put a name to the feeling that blazed through me when I saw someone talking to Tessa. It was hot and unpleasant and it completely consumed me until I could barely breathe. I walked away from the bar, completely abandoning the drinks, and what I did next made no sense, but I had moved without thinking.

  My arm wound around her, pulling her close and I looked right at the other person, telling her with my entire being that she was treading too close to something that did not belong to her. Her eyes went wide and she left, but I would have fought her if she persisted. I would have ripped her to shreds and not have even thought twice about it.

  “You’re shaking,” Tessa said, turning to look at me. I still had my arm clamped around her, and it was an effort to remove it.

  “I’m sorry,” I said, and suddenly I was so embarrassed that I wanted a portal to open up in the floor and suck me into a different dimension where I would forget what I’d just done.

  Unable to do anything else, I picked up Tessa’s drink and downed it. Tessa blinked at me. It might be dim in here, but I would have seen her blush flashing like a neon sign in the darkest, deepest cave. She must be totally embarrassed by me.

  This little venture had been a huge mistake.

  “We should go,” I said, looking into the empty cup. I wasn’t much of a drinker, so I was o
n the road to making even more bad decisions.

  “Okay,” she said.

  THE ONLY TALKING WE did on the way back was Tessa telling me where to turn so we didn’t get lost.

  “I’m sorry,” I said as we stepped into the hotel lobby. Thunder rumbled in the distance. The forecast was for storms all night.

  “For what?” she said, not meeting my eyes.

  “For...that,” I said. I couldn’t even put words to what “that” was. “For being a total weirdo back there.”

  People kept walking by us, and we moved to the side of the lobby, where a few chairs grouped around a small table. I fell into one of them. Tessa sat next to me.

  “It’s fine,” she said, and I waited for her to say more. Tessa always had more to say. The only time I ever got truly worried about her was when she wasn’t talking. “I’m tired, can we go upstairs?”

  Her eyes kept darting around, like she didn’t want anyone to see her or something.

  “Yeah,” I said, and we got in the elevator significantly less upbeat than we’d been when we’d left.

  TESSA WENT RIGHT FOR the shower when we got back to the room. I sat by the sliding glass door and watched raindrops patter and slide down the glass and lightning split itself across the sky.

  I needed to get out of my skirt, but I couldn’t do anything. Something was happening to me and I couldn’t even move. The thoughts I’d had off and on and that had stalked my dreams were bubbling up, and I was powerless to stop them.

  Something was happening. Something big. Something that I’d never be able to go back from.

  Tessa came out of the bathroom in her pajamas, her hair wet and falling on her forehead. I wanted to push it back and out of her eyes.

  “You want to go?” she asked, rubbing a towel on her hair. I wanted to tell her not to do that, it was going to make her ends split, but I couldn’t. There was too much else going on inside me that she wasn’t even aware of.

  “Yeah,” I said, somehow getting to my feet. They moved without me noticing and the next thing I knew, I was turning off the shower and getting out. I’d forgotten to bring clothes in with me, but Tessa must have put them on the counter for me while I’d been under the water.

  My hair dripped down my back, making a little puddle on the floor.

  I wasn’t the same person I’d been when I’d gotten into the shower and I desperately needed to talk to someone about it.

  The only one I had was Tessa.

  Ten

  Tessa

  Monty was acting totally strange ever since we’d walked into that bar, and I didn’t know how to ask her what was going on. She came out of the shower and found me sitting in front of the sliding glass doors with the lights off, watching the lightning.

  “Remember when we used to do this?” I asked her.

  “And your mom would make frappes,” she said, coming to sit beside me.

  “Let’s order some from room service,” I said, hopping up. I called the order in and grabbed the wide-tooth comb that she used to detangle her hair.

  “Come on, you didn’t even brush it out. Are you okay?” She turned and presented me her back. I dabbed at her hair with the towel before dividing it into sections and, starting at the ends, began gently pulling the comb through.

  “I have something to tell you,” she whispered. Lightning lit up the room, and I was interrupted from answering her by the arrival of the frappes. I tipped the server and handed her a frosted glass. She took it in both hands.

  “What is it, Ford?” I asked. My hands shook as I kept working on her hair.

  She moved away from me and scooted around so we were face-to-face. I picked up my frappe and gulped so much that I almost choked.

  Monty set hers down next to her and then lay down on the floor, looking at the ceiling. I joined her, our shoulders touching. I’d just have to keep track of where I’d put my frappe glass. Cleaning that shit off the carpet would be a nightmare.

  Thunder boomed so close that I jumped a little.

  “Even if I didn’t know you better than I know myself, I’d know something was going on with you. Something big. Can you find somewhere to start?” I asked.

  Monty took a deep breath and licked her lips.

  “When I found out about TJ cheating, I was angry. But I was also relieved. I didn’t want to marry him. I don’t think I ever did. I just...I made a plan that I was going to be librarian and marry a man and I never questioned it. He was there and he asked. It was what I was supposed to do. Everyone said so. Girls would tell me all the time how lucky I was and how hot he was, and I repeated all of that over and over to myself in the dark at night. I was lucky. So lucky. But that didn’t make it true.”

  I clamped my lips shut so I didn’t make any comment. I had to shut up so she could get this out. She needed to get it all out. My arms ached to hold her, but I pressed them against my sides.

  “I had everything planned, Tessa. Everything. There was so much comfort in knowing exactly where I was going. Exactly what my path was. I didn’t have to rattle around or worry or have a crisis about who I was going to be. I already knew. I knew, Tessa. I knew who I was.”

  She took a deep breath.

  “Until now.”

  This waiting was going to kill me. I felt like I was standing on the edge of a cliff with her, waiting to see what would happen.

  “I’ve been thinking, and I think I know...I don’t think I’m...” she trailed off and made a gasping noise that was almost like a sob. I couldn’t stay still anymore, so I rolled over and faced her. I still didn’t speak, but I couldn’t look away from her face. She kept her eyes on the ceiling as she inhaled and exhaled with little jerks. I looked for tears, but there were none that I could see. There was nothing I could do to help her, and it was one of the worst feelings in the world.

  “I don’t think I attracted to men. At all. I’m not sure. I was having all these thoughts and now that my future is this big blank and I’d started letting myself imagine what it could be, not what it should be, and I don’t think I want it to be with a guy. Not just because of TJ. Looking back now, it feels obvious that I was never really attracted to him. I mean, sure, he was good looking. I knew that on the surface. But when he kissed me, I felt nothing. Just two sets of lips touching. When we first got together I’d get so nervous when he’d kiss me, but once that went away it was like kissing a relative. No fire. No desire. No feeling like I wanted him to do it again.”

  For some reason, I started shaking. Maybe I was cold from the frappe. I almost screamed as another boom of thunder sounded right above us, so loud that it almost shook the hotel. Rain smashed against the windows, as if it was trying to find a way in.

  “And I know that someone else might say that just means I wasn’t attracted to TJ, but that’s not it. I can’t explain it. I don’t understand it. I just know that it’s true. It’s true that I’m some form of gay or queer or something. I don’t know.”

  She exhaled slowly and I waited for her to say more.

  “Please say something,” she whispered.

  “How long have you been thinking about this?” The questions piled up in my mind, but I needed them to shut up right now. Supporting Monty was the absolute most important thing I could do right now.

  “I don’t know, exactly. Off and on since the breakup. But this trip really opened something up in me, and being at that bar tonight.” She shivered. “It was like sticking a key into a lock and opening a box in my brain that I didn’t know was there.”

  I’d had a lot of experience with queer people. Hell, I had two trans lesbian aunts. But nearly everyone had been out before I’d known them. This was a new experience, and this was my best friend.

  I had to find the right words. I desperately wished I could talk with my aunts, because they’d know exactly what to say.

  “I love you, always. You’re my best friend and I’ll do whatever you need to help you work through this, and you have my support. And I love you. Did I say that a
lready?”

  Sweat collected on my upper lip and the air in the room felt thick for a moment.

  “Thanks, that means a lot. It’s kind of mind-blowing that you can not know yourself so thoroughly. You know?”

  Not really, but I nodded anyway.

  “Do you want a hug?” I asked her.

  “Yeah,” she said. Her arms came around me and we lay on the floor together, our noses just inches apart. It was impossible to tell which sound was louder: the thunder or the beating of my heart.

  “Thank you for telling me. I know that wasn’t easy.”

  “Thank you for being my best friend. I knew you were the first person I needed to talk to about it with. I’m so messed up, Tess.”

  Now the tears started and I used my thumbs to wipe them away.

  “You’re not messed up. You’re just figuring yourself out. Some people don’t even do that their entire lives.”

  She sniffed and I wished I had a tissue handy. “But how could I not know? Is my entire fucking life a lie? Am I a lesbian? Am I bi? What am I even supposed to do now?”

  The words tumbled out of her mouth in a rush, all tangling together, her eyes wide with panic.

  I held her face in my hands and met her eyes.

  “We’ll figure it out. You don’t have to do anything right now. You’re safe with me, and if you want to talk about it or don’t want to talk about it, let me know. Okay?”

  “Okay,” she whispered.

  “I’m going to get you some tissues.” Reluctantly, I let go of her and scooted over to the nightstand and pulled down the box of tissues.

  “I can’t believe this is happening,” she said, after she’d wiped her nose and her face. “Do I have to start wearing flannel and buy a bunch of power tools? I don’t even know what to do with this.”

  “I don’t think there’s one way to be queer, but if you want to know about either of those things, my aunts are only a phone call away. They’d be happy to take you under their wing and teach you their ways.”

  She snorted and I breathed a sigh of relief. I didn’t want this to be an upsetting moment for her. I wanted her to know how much I loved her and wanted her to be happy.