Who We Could Be

by Chelsea M. Cameron

  “So, can I finally say how much I fucking hated TJ?” I asked.

  Monty narrowed her eyes and glared at me. “That was never in question, Cin. I knew you hated him. You are not as subtle as you think you are.”

  “That’s a lie, I can be very subtle.” I picked up my frappe and almost dropped the glass.

  “It’s fine, I didn’t like him either. What was I thinking?”

  A flash of lightning lit up the room.

  “Hey, we all make bad decisions. Remember when I thought I’d look great with bangs and cut them myself while attempting to follow a video?”

  Monty picked up her frappe and sat up, pulling her knees close.

  “I told you that was a bad idea, but you didn’t listen.”

  I sputtered into my glass, almost spraying frappe everywhere. “You were the one who handed me the scissors!”

  “Because you were going to use kid’s scissors and would have made it even worse! I gave you the right pair of scissors and the rest was up to you. I was not responsible for anything you did after.”

  “You are so full of shit right now and I should dump this on your head, but I won’t. You’re welcome.” I held up my frappe and leaned toward her.

  Monty pointed at me with one finger. “Don’t you even dare, Tessa O’Connell.”

  I stuck the straw back in my mouth and sipped. “I wouldn’t want to waste this.”

  “Just don’t mess with me or you’ll wake up with bad bangs again.”

  No idea how Monty slept, but I couldn’t stop thinking about everything she’d told me. Should I have known? I mean, that was ridiculous because she didn’t even know. Sure, I’d hated TJ, but I probably would have hated just about any guy because he wasn’t good enough for her. I’d sucked it up and kept my mouth shut as much as I could because she asked me to.

  Now that he was out of the picture, she could be free and figure out what she wanted, and I was going to be by her side for every single step. Coming out was a huge deal, and I didn’t want her to feel forced or like she owed anyone anything. Her parents weren’t all that supportive in anything she did, so there was probably going to be no support there, but she’d all but severed ties with them years ago. My parents, of course, would have completely open arms, so no stress there.

  This had been quite the trip for both of us, and tomorrow we had to get on a plane and go back to our regular lives, both holding her secret and keeping it safe.

  To pass the time until she woke up, I made a mental list of all the books she could read. If there was one thing I could do, it was recommend a book. Sure, she was a librarian, and probably knew about most of the titles I came up with already, but I wanted to contribute in some way.

  The other thing I couldn’t stop going over was her behavior in the lesbian bar. It was probably just dealing with her sexuality, but that didn’t explain why she’d acted so possessive when Lucinda (what a gorgeous name) had tried to hit on me, which I wasn’t even sure that’s what she’d been doing. I was probably just making too much of it. She was probably just trying to be nice to someone who looked like she was in from out of town. She’d had a soft southern accent that I envied.

  I mean, I was as straight as could be, I just knew a lot of queer people. And now one more, I guess.

  Monty was withdrawn, but contemplative, on the trip back home. I honestly wasn’t looking forward to having to go back to my life, but I’d missed my family and Gus and the bookstore, so it was a mixed bag.

  “Call me later, okay?” I asked, as she dropped me off at home after a seriously delayed flight. I wanted to ask her to come in, but I also knew she needed some time alone to decompress after being on the plane and being in a new place. I also really needed a shower and a nap. Knowing Monty, the first thing she’d do when she got home would be unpack her suitcase and do a load of laundry. Overachiever.

  “I will. And thank you. For coming with me and for everything else.”

  I pulled her in for a tight hug and smacked a kiss on her cheek.

  “I’m always here if you need me, Ford, even though bestfriendimoon is over and you never admitted I’m right.”

  Although I couldn’t see her face, I could feel her rolling her eyes.

  “I love you too, and I’ll never admit it.”

  COMING BACK TO REALITY was rough. Even though I’d been in the same time zone, I was still convinced I had jetlag, even though Monty insisted that was impossible.

  “Listen, time moves differently on planes,” I said a few days later, when we were walking on the beach in the surf.

  “Have you unpacked your suitcase yet?” she asked, leaning down to pick up a shell before discarding it. Monty always ended up with pockets full of shells and interesting rocks when we came here. She had an incredible knack for finding seaglass, which was so rare now with the profusion of plastic bottles.

  “No comment,” I said. We both knew I hadn’t.

  “What am I going to do with you?” She smiled and shook her head.

  A seagull waddled along ahead of us as three children threw themselves into the waves with screams.

  “Have you thought anymore about what we talked about in Savannah?” She hadn’t brought it up and I’d been giving her space the past few days.

  “It’s been pretty much all I’ve thought about, honestly. I’ve been a mess at work because I can’t think of anything else. The reading list has been helpful for when I can’t sleep.” It hadn’t escaped my notice that she’d also seemed exhausted since we got back.

  We took a few more steps and I could feel she was working up to something.

  “So, I think I’m a lesbian. I guess. Or something like that. It’s so complicated, and I’m afraid I’m going to lock myself into a label and then if I want to change later I’ll feel trapped. It’s all so much to consider. I know I’m definitely not ready to tell anyone else yet.”

  She picked up a small stone, rubbing it free of sand before deciding it was a keeper and sliding it into her shorts pocket.

  “So yeah. I’m sort of a lesbian. I think.”

  “You can always just use queer if you want.” Not that I was the authority, being cis, alloromantic, and heterosexual.

  “Yeah, that might be best for now. Until I can figure out if something fits better. It’s a little different than trying on a sweater.” She laughed softly.

  “Yeah, I’m guessing it is.” I didn’t know what she was going through, but I could sympathize, completely.

  “And I think once I get a better handle on things, I might like to talk to your aunts. I mean, they feel like my aunts too, since I’m not close with my own family. You kind of absorbed me into yours.”

  “It’s true. You assimilated into the O’Connell clan. Your copy of the manual and poster of the family crest is in the mail.” We both laughed about that and the wind whipped her hair in front of her face and I helped her push it back.

  “Please don’t tell Gus, okay?” she said.

  “Of course. He’s my second-best friend, but you’ll always be my first. Just don’t tell him that.”

  Her hair was almost reddish in the light of the sunset.

  “I think he already knows he’s second.”

  “I’m totally putting that in our vows,” I said.

  We resumed walking.

  “Have you picked a date yet?”

  I made a face. “I’m still hoping that I can pull off an elopement.”

  Monty just gave me a look.

  “I still need to give you your wedding present. I kind of hid it away with the rest of your shit, but do you think you’d be okay if I gave it to you now? I don’t want you to associate it with the breakup and everything. Shit, can you think of if you’d actually married him?”

  Monty closed her eyes. “I think about that all the time. I’ve honestly almost texted TJ and thanked him for cheating on me, as much as it hurt. Because it set me free.” She opened her eyes and tipped her head up, smiling at the clouds.

  “I’
m happy for you,” I said. “I really am. Plus, no more TJ!” That was something to celebrate in and of itself.

  “No more TJ,” she said through a sigh. “Maybe there’s room for someone new. Who knows?”

  I stopped walking. “Wait, are you ready to date?” That seemed awfully fast.

  “No, no definitely not. Just pondering the possibilities.” She twirled in a circle and started walking backwards.

  I didn’t want to think about her dating again. It was bad enough when she’d been with TJ and I’d had to hang out with him. What if she found another person I didn’t like?

  “They better get my stamp of approval. I didn’t get to approve TJ and look how that turned out.”

  She shrugged and did a little skip. She seemed lighter than she had a few moments ago, and I was glad to see it, but also wary.

  “We’ll see,” she said, and then she started running, laughing as her feet kicked up water.

  “What are you doing?” I started jogging to keep up with her. A memory flashed of the two of us in half-dry bathing suits, chasing each other down this very beach years before.

  I’d lived my whole life beside Monty. There was no life before her that I could remember. She’d always been there, and now things were changing for her. Sure, when she’d been engaged to TJ, I’d known that she was going to get married and that would change things, but my efforts to put that out of my mind as much as I could had been pretty effective. Now that wasn’t happening and I had her all to myself again. But for how long?

  “Wait for me!”

  Eleven

  Monty

  I was queer now. Possibly a lesbian. I’d done a lot of looking online to figure it out, and my current hobby was trying to decide which celebrities I found the hottest.

  So much was so obvious now. I’d never had one ounce of desire for TJ. When I had sex with him, it wasn’t like being on my own. Sure, it felt nice, but that was about it. I’d faked every single orgasm, mostly because I just didn’t care. That was the other thing I should have known: I didn’t care about him. When I wasn’t with him, I sometimes forgot he even existed. Before I’d had a ring on my finger, I had to set reminders to call or text him.

  He hadn’t been that into me, either, which made the fact that he’d proposed so strange. I’d probably never know what was truly going through his mind when he’d asked me to marry him, or why he’d stayed with me so long. I was one to talk; I’d been ready to marry a man I didn’t even love.

  There were almost too many online resources about being queer, and too many discussions that I didn’t feel like I was a part of, so I stuck with reading fiction (mostly romances) and looking through pictures of beautiful women.

  Not a bad way to spend my time, to be honest. I was really getting into it. Did I have a type? Did I have a preference? I had no idea. It was a bit like being a preteen picking which member of a band was the hottest. Only I guess I’d usually picked the one with the best hair. Huh.

  There was so much to think about, and more often than not, I started feeling like I was getting a headache and had to stop, or switch to reading romances or watching lots of TV shows. Somehow, I had cut myself off from so much content, probably because I was afraid it would trigger something in me.

  Everything made sense from this hindsight point.

  Now that I had a better handle on myself, I had some decisions to make. I didn’t care about telling my parents, but there were a few key people I did want to trust, the top one being Tessa. She already knew, so I didn’t have to go through that again. Next on my list: Tessa’s parents, Gus, and Tessa’s aunts. I wanted to tackle the aunts first, so after locking up the library one day the following Thursday, I headed over to the antique store, knowing they stayed open later on Thursdays. I hadn’t told Tessa I was doing this, because I wanted to just do it.

  “Oh, Monty, good to see you!” Vanessa came out from behind the register to give me a warm hug. “Is Tessa with you?”

  I shook my head. “Actually, I came to see you. And Hollie, if she’s around. If not, can we talk?”

  “Of course, sweetheart.”

  As if she’d heard her name, Hollie came around the corner.

  “Monty, what are you doing here?”

  “Do you want to go somewhere more quiet?” Vanessa asked.

  “Yeah, sure.”

  Why had I decided to do this? Coming out to Tessa was one thing, but this was completely different. Was it different every time?

  Vanessa and Hollie took me back to their cozy office, which had two antique desks, and a corner with two chairs and a coffee cart.

  “Do you need anything?”

  “A glass of water,” I croaked, my throat parched.

  “Honey, what’s wrong?” Hollie said, reaching out and taking one of my hands as Vanessa handed me a glass. I downed the whole thing and set the glass down so I wouldn’t drop it.

  “I think I’m queer. I mean, I know I am. Maybe a lesbian. I’m still working on that part. But I know you’re both lesbians, so I wanted to talk to you about it.” I looked into my lap as I spoke.

  Hollie squeezed my hand. “I’m so proud of you.”

  Then I was engulfed in the most loving aunt hug of my life.

  “How do you feel?” Vanessa said, pulling back and beaming at me.

  “I’m not really sure? But good, I think. There’s just so much going on in my head and I’m realizing that I didn’t know myself as well as I thought I did.” They exchanged a knowing look.

  “Thank you so much for trusting us with this,” Vanessa said. “I know we don’t talk about how we each came out, but if you want to know my story, I’m happy to share it with you.”

  “Me too,” Hollie said.

  So I sat with my adopted trans lesbian aunts and listened. Yes, their stories were complicated further by coming to the realization they were transgender first, and transitioning, and then meeting and falling in love with each other.

  Still, their stories hit a deep place inside me, and by the time they’d pushed a cup of steaming minty tea into my hands, I felt lighter.

  “You’ve always been ours, you know,” Vanessa said. “Something we both know is that family is what you make of it. The bonds you choose can be thicker than blood.”

  Hollie’s family hadn’t been supportive of her, but Vanessa’s (Tessa’s family) had been, so in a way she’d been adopted by them, kind of like they’d done with me.

  “Thank you,” I said, finishing my tea. It was late and I needed to go home and figure out what I wanted to make for dinner, and if I was ready to tell Tessa’s parents and Gus.

  I was engulfed in another aunt hug and they walked me to the front door of the now-dark shop.

  “Now, I know we’re too old to give you much advice, but there are a lot of queer people your age on social media. If you ever decide you want to try role-playing games, we can hook you up with some friends of friends,” Vanessa said.

  “She doesn’t want to hang out with a bunch of nerds,” Hollie said.

  “Hey!” Vanessa and I said at the same time.

  I COULDN’T STOP SMILING that night. So far, so good on coming out. I knew that it wasn’t going to be all roses and rainbow flags, but this was a good sign.

  “I’m a lesbian,” tried saying as I dipped chicken strips in flour, buttermilk, and then breadcrumbs to fry up for dinner.

  “I’m a lesbian,” I said as I washed my hair in the shower.

  “I’m a lesbian,” I said as I brushed my teeth in the mirror, spitting toothpaste everywhere.

  The word felt foreign on my tongue, but I liked the sound of it. I liked the weight of it, sitting on my shoulders like and invisible shawl.

  “I’m a lesbian,” I whispered into the dark as I lay in bed.

  “I’m a lesbian,” I said to Tessa five minutes later when I called her.

  “Well hello to you too. So, you settled on that label?” She sounded tired, but I was too wired and I needed to talk to my best friend. />
  “Yeah. It feels right, at least right now. So yes. I am a lesbian. I talked to your aunts tonight. They told me how they came out and transitioning and everything.”

  Tessa yawned. “Sorry. Yeah, They’re pretty amazing. Were they helpful?”

  “Yeah, they were.”

  “Did they give you lessons on how to be a lesbian?”

  “Uh, no? What kind of lessons would those be?”

  “Oh, you know, how to wear a beanie and fix a sink and shit,” she said.

  “Tessa, those are just stereotypes. There’s no one right way to be a lesbian.”

  “That sounds like something a lesbian would say.”

  “Oh my god, I’m sorry I called you.”

  She laughed in my ear. “Sorry, I couldn’t help myself. Do you need help sleeping?”

  I hadn’t realized that I did need to hear her voice tell me silly things as I drifted off.

  “Maybe just for a few minutes.”

  “Ford, you know when I get started that I don’t know how to stop. Anyway, since we haven’t done this in a while, I’ve got stuff saved up.”

  Of course she did. When we’d been on our trip, if we’d stayed up a little late, she’d talked to me like she used to over the phone, but somehow it was different, having her right there. I was too busy being aware of her to listen to what she’d been saying.

  “I read the book that inadvertently started the Satanic Panic from the 80s and 90s. You wanna hear about it?” Her voice perked up and I felt my body sink into my mattress.

  “Yeah, I want to hear about it.”

  IT TOOK ME ANOTHER week to come out to Gus and Tessa’s parents. The whole process was exhausting, and I didn’t know how I was going to keep doing this. Fortunately, I didn’t have to field too many questions from everyone I’d told so far, but I knew that trend wasn’t going to continue.

  “I’m going to give this to you. It’s a ‘congrats on being a lesbian’ present now,” Tessa said, presenting me with a box the following weekend.