Who We Could Be

by Chelsea M. Cameron

  Every time Monty talked about her parents, I had to breathe deeply so I didn’t go into a rage. They’d been given the most incredible gift of a daughter, and for some reason she wasn’t what they wanted, so they’d spent the entirely of her life trying to cajole her into being someone else. Monty had twisted and turned herself into a fucking pretzel, and none of it made them happy.

  I was glad that she didn’t see much of them these days and had cut off most contact. Every time she saw them, it took her a week to recover and get back to herself.

  “Your parents can go fuck themselves,” I said. It wasn’t the first time I’d shared that kind of sentiment.

  “I don’t want to talk about my parents,” she said quietly.

  “Sorry. Do you want to just go to bed? Or do you need me to talk?” I would, if it was what she needed.

  “No, I’m fine. You called me, remember?”

  “Oh, right.” I settled back onto my bed and looked up at the ceiling and the faded glow-in-the-dark stars that Monty had helped me stick up there what felt like a million years ago. I’d wanted to do random patterns and she’d insisted on measuring and copying the constellations, so we’d ended up with both.

  “Do you want me to talk? I can read you something,” she said. That was new. Usually I was the one who did most of the talking during these kinds of calls.

  “Yeah, go ahead and read me something.” She turned on a light and angled the phone on her pillow so I could still see her as she read.

  Monty picked a book that I’d actually been wanting to read for a while, so that worked out perfectly. It was like having my own audiobook narrator.

  “I’ll do one chapter a night until we finish,” she said before she started.

  “That sounds perfect.”

  I fell asleep before she got to the end of the chapter.

  “WE SHOULD PROBABLY start planning our wedding, don’t you think?” I asked Gus, when he picked me up from the bookstore the next day. My car was getting worked on, so he’d driven me to work today and would drive me to the auto shop tomorrow to pick it up.

  “Yeah, probably.” See? He wasn’t into it either.

  “I’m serious. If we don’t set a date, I’m afraid my mom is going to set it up and then surprise us with a wedding. Don’t think that she wouldn’t, you know what she’s like.”

  That made him laugh. “You’re right. Okay. When do you want to get married?”

  I had actually thought about this and the possibilities were endless, but summer seemed the easiest, in terms of planning and getting everyone there. Plus, summer weddings were popular.

  “How about next June? Like, the middle of the month. We can pick an exact day when we talk to our families, but that seems right. Right?” I had no fucking idea. It wasn’t like I had a bunch of experience. This was my first wedding, but I had been around for the planning of Monty’s, so at least I knew a little bit more than I did when we’d gotten engaged.

  “Sounds good. I’ll ask my parents what they have going on and make sure there are no holidays or anything. Happy now?”

  “Sure,” I said. I didn’t feel any different now, locking in a time. “So, if we do a summer wedding, do you like, have a theme in mind?”

  He grinned and waved at a truck driving by.

  “What kind of themes are available? Like, could we have a Star Wars theme? Or a pizza theme? Or a Star Wars and pizza themed wedding?”

  I smacked his shoulder.

  “August, that is not what I’m talking about and you know it. I’m thinking of decorations, the colors, that kind of thing. I know you’re not going to give me free rein to have control of this shit myself.”

  He turned onto the road where his cabin was located. I hadn’t been here in a while because I’d been so busy with Monty and dealing with the end of her engagement. I had to pull my focus back to Gus. He hadn’t said anything, but he’d been neglected for sure.

  “You’re right. Okay, let’s sit down and set a budget first, and then we can go from there. How does that sound?” he asked.

  “Ugh, sensible. You’re too sensible and it’s annoying.”

  “One of us has to be.”

  An hour later, I realized that Gus had no idea how much a wedding was going to cost.

  “Are you fucking serious?” he said when I showed him a sample budget and started going over average costs of food and tents and flowers. I thought his eyes were going to fall out of his head.

  “Why don’t we just do it in your parent’s living room and call it good? Grill some hot dogs in the backyard,” he said.

  I gave him a look. “You know my mother is not going to let us get away with that. What about that pretty gazebo by the lake?” Near his cabin was a hotel with cabin rentals and they had a pretty little spot that might be perfect. Plus, there was plenty of parking and if we wanted to run away, there were kayaks.

  “That’s an idea. There’s that picnic area too, if we wanted to do a reception all in the same place. I think other people have had weddings there before, so they probably have a package. I can ask.” We knew the people who owned it, because this was a small town and everyone knew everyone, so there was a high probability of us getting a good deal.

  “Okay, we’ll try that.” I slumped back in my chair. “Wedding planning is exhausting, can we be done for tonight? I just want to watch a movie.”

  Pain started pounding behind my eyeballs and if I didn’t relax, I was going to have a hell of a headache.

  “Sure,” Gus said, closing his laptop. We crashed on the couch and he brough me all the snacks and drinks I could want.

  “Do you want to move in before or after the wedding?” he asked.

  “I mean, after. I thought that’s what we agreed on?”

  “I know, but I wanted you to know that if you want to be here sooner, you could.”

  My stomach turned a little, thinking about that dramatic change. I definitely wasn’t ready for that shit. We could deal with that later.

  “No, I’m good for now. I know we’ve been together for a long time, but I don’t want to live with anyone before we’re married, you know?”

  “Yeah, yeah, agreed.” He nodded in a jerky way and then went back to the kitchen and didn’t come back for a few minutes.

  “You okay?” I asked, as he sat back down with a fresh bottle of beer.

  “Yeah, I’m good. You?”

  “I’m good.”

  Thirteen

  Monty

  Planning my own wedding had been strange, but planning Tessa’s was even stranger. I guess she and Gus had talked and had started making tentative plans. I wasn’t jealous, exactly, but it didn’t make me feel good. She didn’t want to talk much about it either, so there was an unspoken moratorium on wedding talk. Her mom was all about it, so when she hung out with me, she needed a break from it.

  I still hadn’t come out to anyone else, including my parents or my co-workers. Still not ready, but I had skimmed a few online dating sites. Just to see what was out there.

  A lot of beautiful people, that’s what. Now that I was allowing myself to see who I was really attracted to, it was like the floodgates had opened.

  Every time I saw a beautiful person, my brain overloaded and I couldn’t function. It was really making life hard. My dreams had turned overtly sexual, and I woke up touching myself on more mornings than I didn’t. Masturbation was a joy now that I wasn’t forcing myself to imagine TJ.

  The library was bustling in the summer, and we always had one activity or another going on. Tessa had volunteered to come and wrangle the Story Hour for the little ones a few times, and I was so grateful. Honestly, she would have made an incredible teacher. College wasn’t for Tessa, and that was okay. She’d never finished, and I knew she had guilt and embarrassment about that. There was always a chance later on she might want to go back, but I didn’t think so. Working at the bookstore suited her, and she was damn good at it.

  Right now she was doing the different voice
s for Peter and the Wolf, and even the most antsy kid was rapt with attention, eyes glued on her as she held the book out so they could all see the pictures.

  I leaned on the doorway to the Children’s Room, which was painted to look like fake stone with plastic ivy crawling on it, and the room continued with the castle theme. There was even a little tower that had a tiny slide attached to it. When kids first came in, they lost their minds.

  “She’s so good with them,” a voice said behind me, making me jump. Lindsey stood behind me, a stack of books in her hand.

  “I know,” I said. “I know she’s volunteering, but is there any money in the budget to maybe hire her on to help with the reading programs?” Our goals were to keep kids reading all year long, so in addition to our Summer Reading program, we did other events through the year, and we could always use more hands.

  “I’ll see what I can do,” Lindsey said, tapping her chin with the spine of one of the books. I’d have to make sure if it went through, that she didn’t tell Tessa it was my idea. Then she wouldn’t do it.

  A patron tapped me on the shoulder to come help with looking something up online, so I had to stop watching Tessa do her thing. By the time I was done with the patron, there were more books to reshelve, so I was in the midst of that when a voice spoke in my ear.

  “Excuse me, can you tell me where I might find the books about ships?”

  I turned around, my eyes already rolling. “As you know, Cin, we have an entire display of books about ships. Our patrons demand them.” It was true. I hadn’t had a day when someone had not come in and asked me for a book about boats. It made sense, since fishing was such a huge industry around her, but still.

  “Who is this ‘Cin?’ I’m just another library patron, eager for knowledge.” Her eyes were lit up. She’d never admit how much she loved doing story time. In less than a year she was going to have two new niblings in her family and I was almost jealous of them. I would have loved to have an aunt like Tessa when I was younger. Her whole family was so wonderful, even her brothers, who seemed like they’d be misogynistic jerks, but somehow weren’t.

  “You are not and you’re bothering me. What is it?”

  Tessa leaned on the shelves and crossed her arms. Her hair was falling on her forehead today in a rakish way.

  “Well, excuse me for wondering if you wanted to take your break with me and get some coffee.” Coffee. Yes. I needed coffee. My energy level had gone down considerably and I needed more if I was going to get through the rest of the afternoon.

  “Fine.” I abandoned the book cart and then waved at Lindsey to tell her I was taking my break. She was at the desk with one of the volunteers, showing her how to check out the books.

  “She’s cute,” Tessa said in my ear as we waited in line to order our drinks at the café.

  “Huh?” I said. I’d been pondering if I wanted to change up my regular order, or if I wanted to stick with something reliable.

  Tessa leaned closer. “The girl two people in front of us. With the glasses. Do you think she’s cute?” I took a subtle look, pretending to be looking at something on my phone.

  “Yeah, she’s cute,” I said. She definitely was. But in a too-polished kind of way. Like, I’d be afraid to touch her and mess up her perfect hair or unwrinkled clothes. I was pretty sure I wanted someone a little more approachable.

  “But not your type?” Tessa said. “Have you figured out what your type is?”

  “I mean, I don’t know. Why do you care?” Talking about this with her made my skin itch.

  “Just curious. I’m trying to be your friend here.” We finally reached the front of the line and I gave the perfect girl another look. Yeah, she was beautiful, but too beautiful. Too much.

  We got our coffees and I ended up trying something new: a s’mores latte. Why not?

  “You coming to kickboxing with me this weekend?” she asked, sipping her vanilla and peppermint iced latte.

  “I don’t know, maybe. I think I’m going to redecorate my house.” My new tea set was out of place with the rest of my apartment, and I felt like I needed to do a refresh.

  “You should come with me to kickboxing, and then we can go shopping. We could always stop at the antique store and get some more old shit.” That was a good idea.

  Someone bumped into me. “Oh, I’m so sorry.” I looked up to see the beautiful girl looking down at me with luminous brown eyes that took up half her face.

  “It’s okay,” I said. Or at least I think that’s what I said. I might have just made some sounds. She gave me a little nod and left.

  “Your face is so red right now,” Tessa said, poking my arm.

  “Shut up,” I said, sipping my drink and nearly choking.

  A WEEK LATER I GOT the word that the library was going to hire Tessa on for a few hours of work a week helping with some of our programs. I let Lindsey send the email so Tessa wouldn’t know I had a hand in it. Of course, she called me that night anyway.

  “I’m guessing you had something to do with this,” she said. I couldn’t tell if she was upset or not.

  “We needed help and I put your name in. It’s not like this is coming out of the blue. You’ve been doing Story Hour for years. You’re so good at it, Cin.” All of this was true.

  “You didn’t have to do that,” she mumbled. If she were with me right now, I know her face and ears and chest would be an intense shade of red.

  “Well, I’m not in charge of that shit at the library, so I didn’t. But it will be nice to see you more.”

  “You sure about that? Now I can just come by and annoy you anytime I want.” She laughed.

  “You do that anyway.”

  “But now I can do it more often.”

  “Oh god, what have I done,” I said, and she laughed even more.

  There was a beat of silence, and my silences with anyone else would have been awkward. Never with Tessa.

  “Thanks, though. Even if you didn’t have anything to do with it.”

  “Nothing at all.”

  “I THINK I’M GOING TO get a cat,” I said to Tessa, as we both grabbed dinner at our favorite café up the street a few days later. We’d been at a meeting for the library to help plan some new activities.

  “Oh my god, can I come help you pick it out?” That was the reason I’d told her. If I wasn’t careful, I knew Tessa well enough that she would shove a kitten in her pocket and try and sneak it out.

  She walked next to me back to our cars parked in the library lot. The town was still trembling with energy, even though it was a little bit late. Come winter, this place would be dead after 5pm. You had to enjoy Maine summers while you had them.

  “You know that this cat is also going to be my cat, right? I will make it love me.” Tessa had always wanted pets, but with so many rowdy brothers, her mother had said “no way” because there were “enough animals in this house already.”

  “You can come over and hang out with it when you want. But I can’t make any guarantees about it loving you.” I’d never had a pet either, but I assumed that I would pick a cat that would like me, right?

  “I wish we could go right now,” Tessa said, whining. I put the bags in my car and shut the door. My salad was probably starting to wilt, but I wasn’t ready to go home yet. “Oh my god.” Her hands gripped my shoulders like clamps. “Can I name your cat?”

  I looked into wide green eyes that blazed with excitement. How could I deny her?

  “Sure?” I said.

  “Yes!” She jumped in the air and started doing some sort of strange dance that involved a lot of hip movement and some arm wiggling. It was completely and totally dorky, but I couldn’t stop laughing.

  “You are fucking ridiculous.”

  “Yeah, and you’re going to have a cat with the best name ever.” She did a little hair flip and I leaned against the car. I really didn’t want to go home by myself.

  “Want to come over for dinner?”

  “Can’t. Gus is coming over to d
o wedding shit.” The dancing stopped and the corners of her mouth turned down. Dancing Tessa was gone.

  “Sounds fun,” I said. It did not sound fun.

  “Yeah, sure.” She checked her phone but made no move to leave.

  “You should probably go,” I said, after a few seconds of silence. A streetlight flickered across the street.

  “Yeah,” she said, chewing on her lip. “Okay, bye.” She turned and started walking to her car without saying anything else.

  “Bye,” I called after her, and she gave me a wave with her arm without turning around.

  Fourteen

  Tessa

  “I think we have to pick colors. Colors that go with the theme,” I said, tapping through some pages on my laptop. Gus and I were sprawled on my bedroom floor, trying to figure out how the fuck to plan a wedding. I’d already found apps and journals and spreadsheets and honestly, it made me want to throw up.

  “What are the color options?” Gus asked, looking up from his phone.

  “I mean, we can do anything, but probably ones that go well together.”

  “You do remember that I’m colorblind, right?” he said.

  “I know, but this stuff isn’t really for us, is it? It’s for pictures and our families and shit. Hell, we could do shades of white and gray and black, if you want. That would look really classy.” Formal, but whatever. It wasn’t like I cared. Sure, I had favorite colors, but when I tried to picture chair covers or bridesmaid dresses or anything, I couldn’t.

  “Hey, that’s not a bad idea. Then everyone can wear what they want and it will look more like a nice party than a wedding. So much of them seem so uptight. We don’t want that,” he said.

  No, we didn’t. In terms of theme, I was definitely leaning more toward rustic, rather than black tie.

  “Cool. White, black, and gray it is.” That gave us a starting point. And we were going to have the ceremony and reception at the lake. “What do you want to eat?”